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Dashcon
Dashcon, originally titled "Tumbl-Con" before tumblr staff rudely informed them of copyright law, was a weeaboo convention created by tumblr users for tumblr users to take place at the Renaissance Hotel and Convention Center in beautiful downtown Schaumburg, Illinois, spanning July 11th – 13th, 2014. Heavily criticized from its inception, the only people it didn't manage to disappoint were the people laughing at it from the beginning.
You can now experience it all for yourself, by just paying $1000 and go here
Humblr Beginnings
— Loose translation: Give us your money. | ||
The project started as an Indiegogo campaign, and because there's nothing tumblr loves more than donating money to implausible causes, swathes of children and teenagers pledged their allowance money to internet strangers, setting the tone for events to come. Reward tiers ranged from "donate $5 and get nothing" (common Kickstarter practice) directly to "donate $100 and we'll put your name on a gold star and give you some tea". (Tea is symbolic to tumblr in that drinking it makes you different from the other girls, and closer to the lord and savior Benedict Cumberbatch. Tea is also not coffee, because coffee is synonymous with heterosexual buttsecks.) For $500 "admins will love you forever" and they will buy you some hand made trash from etsy. In the spirit of Kickstarter, most if not all of these prizes were never delivered.
The Indiegogo campaign ended without meeting its goal on March 14, 2013 and the con began July 11, 2014. This gave its admins 484 days to ignore the financial hint and march right on to fuck everything up. Registration for the con began months in advance and cost a hefty $65 for one full weekend badge, comparable to many large-scale established events. Attendees were expected to pay another $15 to meet the cast of Welcome to Night Vale for a live version of their podcast and an additional $5 for a ticket to see Steam Powered Giraffe, a steampunk gimmick band that no one gives a shit about. It took most attendees 4 weeks of chores to make that $65. Unfortunately, in January, Steam Powered Giraffe dropped from the con.
Following suit with SPG, panelists for amazing panels such as "British Men with… CHEEKBONES" and "You’re Demon Hunting In… Stilettos?" dropped out of the con. The 17-year-old admin of the con's official tumblr called to its guests asking them to fill the positions, because it's not like anyone running this kind of shit is qualified anyway. Fortunately it seemed quality panels such as "Mental Health Support" and "Period Dance" survived.
The con recruited "committees" representing different fandoms to raise money for expenses by asking popular artists to create and auction off fanworks and donate the profit to Dashcon. These committees were run by teenagers and were expected to raise $5,000 each. Mods appointed to run each committee were either unaware of their duties or ignored the people working under them entirely.
An "art director" took command of the committees and wasted everyone's time and efforts on their own side project called "Tumblr University". The director attempted to divert funds and labor to Tumblr University before getting shut down by Dashcon admins. It is currently unknown if this person was a run-of-the-mill scammer, or a hero trying to stop the project in its tracks.
These committees were derailed by side projects, ignored by their leaders, and in the end dissolved into nothing. Yet despite the universe's most valiant efforts, the con continued to brew.
It Begins
Here is the actual programming schedule for Dashcon.
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Friday -
Saturday -
Sunday
Meet the Admins
Underlings such as "16 year old girl with diagnosed mental disorders that had her pulled out of a regular school and an unstable personality" and "14 year old contracted to beg for art from popular artists" were all working under a set of admins who were the real "brains" behind Dashcon. There were several other admins not listed here though the others did seemingly nothing and do not matter. Dashcon is owned by Roxanne Schwieterman (20) who was helped by Megan Eli (32, degree in interior design and unemployed, listed herself as a Featured Artist for Dashcon), Cain Hopkins (20, wannabe cosplayer, lives in Ohio but talks with a fake British accent), and Lochlan O' Neil (17, cosplay "model", emotionally unstable, was paid $800 by Roxanne to fly to Dashcon from her home in Denver, CO).
Previous journalistic efforts were rendered useless when Roxanne and Lochlan changed their URLs post-Dashcon out of pure shame.
Friday
Day one of the con seemed to start out okay. Despite expecting a 5,000-7,000 turnout for its first occurrence, attendance seemed to be around 500. There may have been about 1,000 people if you counted hotel staff. But crowds are triggering so this wasn't too bad. People attended "Youtube Livestreams" and "Depression and Anxiety Tools and Support".
$17,000
At 9PM Dashcon admins rounded everyone at the con up into one large room and gave them terrible news. The hotel patriarchy was demanding $17,000 or they would shut the con down and kick everyone out. Everyone started to cry. Dashcon staff had a verbal agreement with the hotel that they would pay the remainder of their bill after the con and was very surprised that the hotel expected them to abide by their signed physical contract.
Dashcon admins and staff shook down attendees for donations by literally passing a bag around and posted a donate link on their official tumblr and twitter. Dashcon's twitter also spammed this donation plea to the twitter accounts of Will Wheaton, Neil Gaiman, John Green, members of Welcome to Night Vale, and Gingerhaze probably to foreshadow financial situations to come. A member of the Dashcon admins tweeted a picture of herself crying to show how super serious things were. This gave word to tumblr that this shitty con had no money and suspicions arose about the admins' competence and intentions with Dashcon. Rather than admitting this money was a matter of payment for debts owed, Dashcon admins stated that the hotel was simply demanding more money because they didn't like tumblr people. Because that's apparently how business works. Attendees believed Dashcon admins and began to treat hotel staff very rudely as if they were persecuting them for being members of tumblr. They stayed grouped in this room singing Queen songs, and tracks from Miserables in protest to their oppression. They tweeted at Misha Collins, Benedict Cumberbatch, and other grown ass men they had previously drawn in pornographic fanart to get the word out that someone needed to give them $17,000 to continue this massive weekend babysitting effort.
—Some 14 year old who secretly thinks Anonymous is cool | ||
An hour after this activist protest Dashcon deleted the donation request post and pretended everything was going to be okay. Dashcon admins addressed attendees thanking them for their love and support. "Cain was in tears because of you, because of how perfect and beautiful and generous you all are," said a Dashcon admin to woo more money out of the pockets of their attendees. A parent in the audience yelled back over the crowd "Yeah what's to stop you from doing this again ten minutes later? What if you want more money?"
Later attendees of Dashcon threw bitchfits on their/xir blogs when people with common sense called the con a scam, apparently unaware that the two are synonymous. They "called out" the "haters" by posting pictures of themselves having fun in poorly constructed costumes and covered in gray face paint for no apparent reason. Tumblr as well at those catty cunts in /cgl/ responded by reposing, editing, and shit-talking these pictures to no end. Who saw that coming? Later that night there was trouble as underage attendees were allowed into the "BDSM 101" panel as well as other 18+ panels. Some believe this was because no one attending was over the age of 18 at all.
Saturday
Saturdays are generally the most crowded and eventful days for conventions but as this day rolled in Dashcon was just as empty as before. Pictures of the registration room surfaced showing only con staff sitting alone at empty registration tables. The only real crowd witnessed was in the gaming room. Several teens were crowded around the room's single TV and a few others grouped at scattered laptops. Embarrassing cosplays and panels continued while excitement mounted for the guests Dashcon boasted. Several attendees were already disappointed that Steam Powered Giraffe was allowed to bail from the con while their Dashcon badges were nonrefundable but fans traveled from as far as Flordia to see Welcome to Night Vale.
Welcome to Nonpayment Vale
Many were excited that Cecil Baldwin and other members of the Welcome to Night Vale cast were going to perform a live radio show outside their regular scheduled tour just for Dashcon. Those attendees waited in line for over an hour to get their seats and taunted their online haters about being minutes away from meeting their internet idols. This was only until Dashcon admins told them all that the show was canceled. They did not have money to pay the WTNV cast. Well they HAD the money, stupid Paypal was just malfunctioning so they couldn't give any money! Gosh darn it Paypal! It is all your fault! After providing their own travel expenses and not being financially compensated for performing at the con WTNV cast walked. They shopped around the Artist Alley and then left the con. Everyone cried again. Dashcon admins did they best they could to apologize for this mistake that was blatantly the fault of Paypal. Also it was WTNV staff's fault too because they didn't even want to get paid or something. Basically it was everyone's fault EXCEPT for Dashcon. Dashcon did nothing wrong. An attempt to apologize was made by offering these ticket holders entry to a raffle. This was not only a shitty consolation but the prizes were items originally purchased as rewards for donators to the original Indiegogo for Tumbl-Con. It seemed that admins never sent these rewards to their rightful owners.
The Ball Pit
|
To save their ass, Dashcon admins did the impossible. They turned everything around and stopped WTNV fans from committing ritualistic cult suicide by allowing them one hour of free play in an inflatable ball pit. It is reported one attendee said "Fuck Cecil Baldwin this ball pit just made Dashcon worth a non-refundable $65 ticket" before settling bunself crotch-deep into dirty plastic balls. This ball pit, or "inflatable emergency raft patched with duct tape" as some may call it, was erected in a large empty room along with a bouncy castle. Dashcon admins kept this beautiful ball pit open for an entire hour exclusively for those who paid real money to enter the WTNV live show.
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This image looks like how growing up feels. -
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All good things must come to an end and later that night the ball pit mysteriously vanished though it will live on in the hearts and skin infections of those who enjoyed its balls on their faces forever.
Rumors say some /pol/ faggot peed in it.
Gingerhaze
WTNV were not the only people stiffed at the con. Artist Gingerhaze was told that her room would be comped by the con and it wasn't until her arrival that she realized this was not true. She moderated a panel she was only supposed to attend after the original moderator never showed up. By 6pm after witnessing how bullshit this place was she left. She tried guys.
The Night Vale gang and Gingerhaze made what they could of the night by getting dinner together and appreciating that they were no longer in Dashcon.
The Bakerstreet Babes
Some kind of Sherlock Homes-themed band or something, the Bakerstreet Babes were asked to attend the con as panelists and to record a podcast for their website. They completes both events but left the con when they realized that despite their hotel rooms being paid for by Dashcon previously, Dashcon had removed its credit card from their room. Without prior notice they were expected to foot their own bill. The Bakerstreet Babes left the con that evening having put up with enough bullshit.
After being threatened with legal action Dashcon said they were totally going to pay the Babes and that they were good for it.
Staff Underlings
The teenage gophers who oversaw the majority of Dashcon's operations while its admins hid behind curtains were essentially running free with whatever authority a plastic badge with "STAFF" printed on it could grant them. They also made up a security team to protect con attendees from their parents' shame and the criticism of their peers. These staffers were promised food by the admins but none was provided. Take the hint staffers oink oink.
Sunday
Predictions:
—/cgl/ | ||
The last day of a convention is always slow and this was no different for Dashcon. The majority of attendees, guests, and panelists bailed Saturday night or Sunday morning. Artists Alley vendors reported depressingly low sales due to the low volume and young age of attendees. The remainder of attendees were happy to meet Doug Jones, the only remaining guest. It is unknown whether or not Doug was paid for his appearance.
To close the events of Dashcon a "feedback panel" was held in order for Dashcon admins to address how they did everything perfectly and nothing was their fault. In this panel they clarified how all fuckups were mistakes outside of their control and urged attendees not to search "Dashcon" in tumblr's tags less they read 17,000 posts about how poorly they ran the con. Reportedly police arrived on the premises.
Sketchy Activities
As with most shitstorms the more that goes down the more people dig up. The galaxy pattern banner used on Dashcon.org was taken from a galaxy themed artist and repeated to disguise the original piece of art. DashCon also reportedly screened Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog despite not being legally able to attain the rights. This brought up questions about whether or not they had legal permission to screen Pacific Rim either. Also, for whatever reason DashCon felt the need to advertise on their blog that they are partnered with Random Acts, a nonprofit organization dedicated to creating fundraisers and spreading kindness. Upon inquiry, Random Acts said it has never made any partnership with Dashcon.
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Top, DashCon banner. Bottom, original art. -
What a HORRIBLE fucking plan. -
Attaching yourself to kind people in an attempt to look kind. -
Official statement from Random Acts. -
Con rules mysteriously edited after WTNV walkout.
The Aftermath
Out of pure shame and regret, Roxanne and Lochlan changed their tumblr URLs.
Orgy, Subsequent STD Outbreak
Throughout the years, many conventions have mentioned the after-con orgy as a joke. Tumblr, of course, being a ball-pit of retards, failed to recognize the recurring joke for what it was, and assumed that orgies were a necessary part of the con experience. As a result, freebleeding cunts spread their GRIDS to other freebleeding cunts, thus ensuring the continuation of Darwinian natural selection.
Dashcon 2015
It seems like absolutely no one has learned their lessons and DashCon 2015 is up for preregistration! Admins reserved Dashcon 2015 six month before Dashcon 2014 took place. Dashcon 2015 should "expect between five and eight thousand people" despite the under-1000 turnout in 2014. It's also boasting new ideas such as being hosted in another state where (hopefully) no one has heard of their incompetence and a meal plan where attendees can pay $15/meal per day for food Dashcon ultimately won't provide. Remember kids, no refunds!
See Also
External Links
dashcon- tumbl-con-usa - former blog
- Things you can buy with $17,000
- In just one weekend, DashCon descended into chaos
| Featured article July 17 & 18, 2014 | ||
| Preceded by Jada |
Dashcon | Succeeded by Hungary |
