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Subway
Subway is the best place to get a shit sandwich with crusty bread, made by a high schooler who couldn't give a fuck even if by some miracle they aren't high. It is the McDonalds of whites, and tastes about the same. Subway is the cancer that is killing sandwiches, outnumbering Starbucks two to one despite having nothing eatable to sell. They also cater, in case you want to impress upon a group of people what a cheap and tasteless sack of dog shit you are.
Sandwiches
Tell the “sandwich artist” what kind of bread what you want, which couldn't matter less because they all taste exactly the same. Pick which bucket of raw meat you want your filling to come from, and which processed cheese product you want to scrape off the roof of your mouth for the next hour. Answer yes when they ask if you want the sandwich toasted, because it's your only hope of avoiding salmonella. If you ever wanted three day old vegetables on a sandwich, you can choose them, and if mayonnaise is too subtle, they can drench the sandwich in vegetable oil.
More often than not, you end up with something or another you didn't want on your sandwich. Subway uses wax paper to keep meats from congealing during the weeks they sit on the line, and biting into one is pretty fucking common. Some innocent child in Canada was fed glass shards by her mother, who neglectfully assumed that the Subway sandwich she bought for the child was safe for consumption. By far the most common surprise lurking on a Subway sandwich is cocksweat. It has been a longstanding tradition for underpayed “sandwich artists” to rub their impotent chodes all over bread before serving it to the public. This ritual went on for several years before a sandwich artist broke both the first and second rules of Subway by posting Instagram pictures of his tiny cock flopped on unbaked Subway bread. Subway claims he totally stole unbaked bread, took it home, and then took the pictures, instead of just showing the public how he prepared for a busy day of sandwich artistry. This is suspected to be bullshit, because they fired the two employees involved anyways.
Bullshit Health Claims
Not only does Subway claim that frozen bread and presliced, mummified ham count as “fresh”, they actually have the balls to claim that their shit food will help you lose weight. They sell themselves as the healthy alternative to burger joints, scaring subhumans into buying food at Subway. But if you actually look at the nutritional information instead of just scarfing down a foot of food, you will see that Subway sandwiches actually contain way more calories and sodium than McDonalds hamburgers. The only real advantage Subway has over McDonalds is more white women, but that ad might piss bitches off.
The earliest incarnation of this lying bullshit is Jared Fogle✡, who got Cher famous by claiming that eating Subway caused him to lose eleventy-billion pounds. Just saying this over and over has earned him a net worth of $15 million, despite never holding a job in his life. Which is all well and good, except for the fact that even as he's paid to say Subway makes you skinny, he regularly puts on thirty or more pounds before being busted and being forced to go back on a real diet. But even at his lowest weight, he was still only two pounds away from being overweight.
—The only portion of Jared's Wikipedia page not written by an advertising agency. | ||
Advertising
Subway knows that only the clinically retarded could eat their food, so their advertisements are just the words “five dollar, foot long” spammed over and over. After a few dozen of these commercials, some of their stroke victim customers remembered that penises can be a foot long too, and that you can pay money to put one in your mouth. They clearly thought this realization was absolutely hysterical, because it's still spammed all over the place, as if it isn't a cancerously unfunny forced corporate meme.
In addition to being incredibly annoying, these ads are also Jewish lies. For years Subway had been ripping off all of their customers by cutting the size of their subs to save cash. They have been sued repeatedly for giving customers subs eleven inches or shorter while promising twelve inches in all of their advertisements.
—Your cock is now actually a footlong! Provided it is a Subway sandwich. | ||
Do It Yourself
If you want the Subway experience without having to go twenty feet to an actual store, you too can open a Subway franchise. Simply go to your kitchen, pull out the oldest bread you have, let it sit on the counter for another couple days, then carefully lay paper thin layers of welfare cheese and Spam on it, and stuff it with wilted lettuce and the most semen flavored ranch dressing you can find. Then rub your cock all over the sandwich because, as you know, they all do.
