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User:Mu.ollin/pokemon in popular culture
As Pokémon swept across the earth and its popularity exploded, the puny capitalists realized that they could take advantage of this and make money. This not at all the main reason that Pokémon was invented. With a stunning lack of creativity, shit was turned out from Chinese factories at a rate that would stun the strongest of Walmart manager. Thousands of children’s minds where raped as cheap paper cards inspired schoolyard fights and brawls and kids traded bits of data back and forth on Game Boys. A shitty anime was produced, as well as a hundreds of other toys.
Now all of this is pretty normal for any fad, but the thing to realize is THAT’S ITS STILL FUCKING GOING ON! They are still making these games, still making the card game, still making the shitty anime, even though everyone knows that it all went to shit after the Gold and Silver. Then they remade the old games and managed to fuck them up too. If you have some spare time, email Game Freak and tell them no one wants a touch screen Pokémon game. Its just a bitch to navigate and use. There is something like 600 pokemon now, and besides the first 251, all of them suck.
Red and Blue
The original video games are actually pretty good, that is, if you like shitty graphics, extreme glitchiness, and bestiality. It was created by an otaku who enjoyed collecting bugs, and so, the object of the game is for you to catch cute little animals with Pokéball and force them to murder each other in battle. To win, one must also obtain all the PokéGods, secret Pokémon that have Digivolved to the highest level, such as Mew, Zapdos, and Proxy-Connection: keep-alive Cache-Control: max-age=0. These Pokémon are unlocked by releasing all your Pokémon after defeating the Elite Four exactly 666 times and then using the Super Rod repeatedly behind the Easter Egg truck.
There was a secret cheat you could get to catch a character called "MissingNo", a glitch in the gameplay, allowing you to clone items and have Pokémon with max power levels. Doing this eventually wipes your game save, and not only that, if you use your Nintendo Game Boy connect cable to trade these glitch Pokémon with your best friend, it will also rape their game save as well. Good thing you don't have any friends. This has been compared to the Pokémon equivalent of AIDS by leading scholars, because they both result in certain death of the infected target. This was a funny trick to play on your retarded school mates, as your game was already raped, might as well rape others AMIRIGHT?
Gold and Silver
Quite literally exact copies of the original games, only with rearranged cities, the infamous Misty skinny-dipping cut scene, and a bunch of new Pokémon such as Bluchu and Togepi and moar PokéGods like Ho-oh. This cycle would repeat several times over, each time adding better graphics and more Pokémon, but never actually evolving the gameplay or plot in the slightest.
These games also introduced the concept of Pokémon breeding, which makes all of the Pokémon-on-Pokémon Rule 34 ever conceived technically canon.
On a side note: There USED to be a really cool character named Silver. He was the only rival that ever pounded your face in for talking to him before he got his Pokémon. As if he wasn't badass enough for pounding the hero's cockcraving face in he was the original Team Rocket leader's kid. In HeartGold SoulSilver he got a new look. However he was compeltely ruined when he was turned Neko by a furry (Raiden73 or as he likes to be called Gyro Gun; to all Silver fans, download Byond and troll the fuck out of this scum).
Ruby and Sapphire
The next games in the series came out for the Game Boy Advance. They featured new villains, Team Aqua and Team Magma, who think global warming is a good thing. Widely regarded, even among diehard Pokéfags to be shit, the only positive aspect of these games was the introduction of Mudkips.
Only underage b& think these games are good.
FireRed and LeafGreen
Basically Pokémon Red and Blue committing samefaggotry, these games are the same thing as the 90s originals, but with GBA graphics and some seven new islands full of Muslims.
Diamond and Pearl
These latest sequels in the Pokémon franchise add connectability with teh internets, so you can trade your Mewtwo for a Magikrap from around the world!!!111 You can also download Ash x Gary yaoi straight to your Nintendo DS. Just be sure to carry a strong anti-virus Pokémon in your party at all times, or you risk being pwnt by a wild virus Pokémon encountered on the tubes.
They also feature Cynthia as the Pokémon League Champion whiny emo bitch, her existence the result of mass controversy and butthurt amongst Nintendo. She is an avid fan of trolling by using her favourite Pokemanz, Trollchomp, which can easily troll unsuspecting Empoleon by using Earthquake and Brick Break - LAWLZ IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!!!111
HeartGold and SoulSilver
Last Thursday, after many rumors were circulated on the tubes, Nintendo confirmed that there would indeed be remakes of the hit games Gold and Silver for the DS. The games have features such as letting any of your Pokémon follow you around, a wide variety of Generation II Pokémon, and pseudo-3D graphics. Basically, the new games are just a giant clusterfuck of fail produced from merging half of the old games together and adding useless features like the Pokeathlon, Pokewalker and the Spiky eared Pichu, but as soon as this piece of news was released on the internet, nostalgiafags everywhere creamed their pants. The only thing of relevance to come out of these games is the scene where the rival rapes you in Goldenrod City and leaves what's left of your semen-filled anus for Team Rocket.
Black and White
The latest Pokémonz game was released in the U.S. during the apocalypse. It is the first one with real 3-D graphics and the Pokémon professor, Professor Juniper is an older woman who will attempt to rape you once you complete the whole fucking Pokédex, which means that you have to catch all 151 493 649 Pokémon in order for her to accomplish this. You travel across the Unova region, far away from the other Pokemon regions. This time, rather than playing as some snot-nosed 10-year old, you begin the game as either a bratty teenage bitch named Hilda or as an older version of Ash named Hilbert. When you pick your starter, you can choose a fire pig, Smugleaf, or a water, um, baby clown. However, you still go through the same shit as the other games, AGAIN. You now have two rivals, a blonde bimbo and an azn. It is your responsibility to defeat Team Plasma, whose goal is to free all pokemon from the world for some stupid unexplained reason. Some green haired faggot that claims to hear pokeyman's voices bugs the shit out of you until the end of the game where he rages at your faggotry and gets Reshiram's/ Zekrom's mighty dick to brutally rape your puny asshole while stretching it out and widening it.
.. Oh, and some of the new gym leaders (Lenora, Drayden, and Iris) and one of the Elite Four Members, Marshall, are all a bunch of niggers. These niggers were added to the Pokemon games possibly because niggers bawwwed and complained to Nintendo that it was racist that There are no black people on the Internet. Plus, new Pokemon are introduced, like some dark type anthro-weasel-fox thing for sick fucks to pair with Lucario and Weavile in their twisted, horrendous sex art. Thanks so much, Japan. And thanks for [[|OM NOM NOM|OM NOM NOMing]] on the bullshit before the West.
The Anime
The Pokémon cartoon tells the story of hermaphrodite Ash Ketchcum, whose hollow life is devoted entirely to Pokémon fanboyism. Therefore, he teams up with his best buddy and partner, the electrified rat Pikachu, and sets out to catch 'em all.
Ash is soon accompanied by Misty O'IttyBittyTitties, former underage fetish model. He is also joined by Brock Statue Tory, all around horn dog and charter member of the Nurse Joy appreciation club. A running joke involves Brock cumming in his pants whenever he sees anything with breasts, which happens with amazing frequency considering his eyes are permanently closed. However, the reason behind Brock's weird-ass behavior is his homosexuality. This is the only explanation why he has never had a girlfriend, and why he loves to cook. As the rest of the gang are major gay-bashers, he hides this with his girl "obsession."
Ash is chased around the world by Team Rocket members Jessie, James, and their annoying retarded cat. They supply 95% of this show's lulz in the form of endless attempts to steal Pikachu so that their boss would appreciate them again, not that he did anyway. They are also the subject of many shipping wars among Pokéfans who are just too dumb to realize James is gay.
Misty later leaves the show after getting knocked up and is promptly replaced by May, a jailbait whore with breasts that more than make up for Misty's lack thereof. May brings along her brother Max, an incestuous little fuckface, who seems to know more about Pokémon than Ash. In order to boost ratings, Dawn is then introduced to the show, and considering that she's 10 years old, she is an even bigger whore than the other girls, (if possible), mainly due to her extremely short skirt. Having the smallest chest, she is clearly fanservice for pedophiles, amirite?
Some argue the entire series is merely Ash's coma-induced dream, revealing such elements of his subconscious as his repressed sexual feelings and poor relationship with his father, which is most likely true if he runs away from home to serch for da weird tings known as Pokemans. These people need to find something better to do than psychoanalyzing bad anime.
Professor Oak is Doing Your Mom
In the Pokémon anime, it was blatantly obvious that Professor Oak was sleeping with Ash's mother. Every time he would call his mother's house, Professor Oak would almost always be there for some intriguing reason. Indeed, the television show only made a few cursory references to Ash's biological father, saying only that he was on his own Pokémon journey, and not specifying whether he was even still alive. Several popular fan theories state that Ash was conceived in a three-way between Giovanni, Delia Ketchum, and her Mr. Mime housekeeper.
The latest episodes have been criticized for their huge amount of filler.
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Card Game
In 1996, Wizards Of The Coast released a trading card game in which they (badly) translated the cards from Japan. The cardgame involved the strategy of flipping over 9000 coins and using the same set of cards for every single deck.
Later, Nintendo realized they didn't have to rely on Wizards' shitty rules and broke up with their homoerotic corporate lovers, releasing them independently (by which time Pokémon had lost popularity anyway and was reserved for ghetto kids middle class white kids, whose parents couldn't afford cable or piano teachers). This new game featured the same basic principles: coin-flipping, same fucking cards, and sticking to a theme.
Elements in the TCG
There are several colors elements in the TCG. Note that a few of these are not the same as their video game element counterparts.
- Grass/Bug: Nobody played Grass, except for Jim Profit, but nobody likes him anyway. Grass involved using the same poison attack on twenty different cards.
- Fire: Fire was for dumb kids who wanted to use their favorite Pokémon for their deck. They always got beaten and had their good cards stolen. The stratagy involved doing mundane amounts of damage, and wasting energy.
- Water: Water decks were played by fags who fapped to Misty. The strategy involved doing more damage by adding more energy to your Pokémon. OMGZ nova!
- Psychic/Ghost: Psychic fags were always noticeable as they wanted to use their super rare Mewtwo card, but you would let them because Mewtwo sucked anyway and then they'd get their asses kicked in a children's cardgame.
- Fighting/Ground/Rock: This element was a combination of Fighting, Rock, and Ground type Pokémon from the original video game. Why they couldn't just give everyone their own elemental card still remains a mystery to this day. Fighting was for unoriginal faggots who didn't know how to do anything else but flip coins and deal damage. Needless to say, they always win.
- Lightning: Lightning was used by girls who didn't know what the fuck they were doing. Lightning strategy involved flipping coins to deal what other Pokémons were dealing without coinflips, and Self Destruct which dealed a whole 40 damage. WOW!
- Steel: Steel was all about defense and lots of HP. Steel had a lot more cards in Japan, but America was scared that the cards would give American kids seizures and encourage communism because of the emphasis on industrial work.
- Dark: Dark, like Steel, was intended to be a non-basic energy that was splashed in decks. Unlike steel though, dark appealed to angsty 13 year old boys and there's now more Pokémon that can use Dark energy then anything else.
- Normal: Otherwise known as colorless (or simply white). Normal Pokémon could use any other energy and were a favorite of pedophiles. Players would purposely make all colorless decks, which was fucking retarded and they'd lose on purpose so they could be taught how to play by expert little girls.
