IBM

IBM, which stands for either "Idiotic Bullshit Magnet" or "International Bowel Movement", is the world's oldest computer company. IBM, U BM, we all BM. They can also be called the "Giant Enemy Crab" because they smell bad and wear suits and neckties and are all faggy and friendly with Jimbo Wales.

History lol

Typical IBM employee

In the 1920s, when J. Edgar Hoover was sucking the cocks of Commies in back alleys, an ugly little salesman named Tom Watson stopped playing with himself long enough to merge several companies that made boring things like punch-card tabulators (used to fuck over hourly-wage employees) and time clocks (ditto), and called it International Business Machines. Because he was an inbred white cornholer from upstate New York who didn't afraied of anything, this made him a hero to corporate America. He soon learned how to ass-raep those followers, by making tabulating machines that were slow, primitive, horribly noisy and unreliable, difficult to use, and hideously expensive. American businessmen are masochists so this scheme was incredibly successful.

And IBM even cornered the market before the computer existed as an idea. Despite being a "technology" company, for its first few decades IBM was dominated by its marketing division; the engineers who made their crap were stuck in an old barn in Armonk, a place so hideous even your mom won't go there. So when electronic computers started to appear in the late 1940s, Tom and his even-uglier son and their giant enemy crab marketing department were in a great position to putz and smegma any competitors. So when the "mainframe computer" became a "necessity" for large organizations in the 1950s, there was IBM, offering to lease them whatever they could be bullshitted into paying for. (IBM products were leased, never sold outright, because leases were a great way to lock companies and government agencies into becoming IBM customers for eternity. Or bankruptcy, whichever came first.)

"I first became operational at the Giant Enemy Crab plant in Urbana, Illinois."

By the 1960s the "computer industry" (lol) was being called "IBM and the seven dwarves". Most of the dwarves have since disappeared, but IBM is still shitting on our heads today (despite a near-bankruptcy in 1992 lol). The Watsons harassed their underpaid tech people into taking out thousands of patents so they could crush anyone with the nuts to challenge them. At the same time, they treated their thousands of baggy-suited field salesmen like kings. Unfortunately the patents began to run out in the 1970s so parasites of the Big Parasite appeared, like Amdahl, to make "plug compatible" mainframe computers that were cheaper than the turds IBM offered. Because the Crab was so huge they could dictate technical standards to the rest of the world. That is why we have ludicrous bullshit terms like "DASD" and "3270" and "UCB" and "NIP" and "IODF". No one under the age of 30 knows what any of this shit means today. You get the idea.

In 1981 the Enemy Crab introduced the PC, even though it was originally invented by Alan Turing. They crapped out this digital turd because they wanted people to lease (never buy!) their expensive-as-fuck mainframes, so they created a small computer that sucked so much that no one would buy it. But people did buy it, so IBM had a lollercaust and decided to become a personal computer company. However, by the time IBM realized that people liked their computers, the same people stopped buying them in favor of stuff that worked like the PC. Which almost killed off the Hellchild of Watson in 1992, as businessmorons learned they could run major financial and other applications on cheap PCs, rather than be forced to give millions of dollars to the Big BM.

IBM also makes incredibly shit software (OS/MVS lol, OS/2 lol, JCL lol) and wants to run your business and raep your children. Their mainframe operating systems were famous for being badly designed and difficult to use. IBM is big, blue, and hairy. To elderly computer b00bs, IBM may be confused with Intel. They are still making mainframes called "Z series", which are just as big and expensive and badly designed as any of the predecessors. One of their favorite tricks: make the cabinet far too big and put a massive steel weight in the bottom so it impresses the idiot customers with its heavy black massiveness.

IBM is also known for StinkPad and ClitMouse (The Red Dot) on their ugly black notebook computer (don't call it a laptop!). They put out the WankPad notebook series in the early 1990s and billions were bought by fuckheaded businessmen and government asswipes. Twinkpads are resistant to various external factors like bathing with them, peeing on them, ejaculating on the screen, farting inside the fan holes, drilling, and being thrown at a wall (a typical action applied to crappy computers). Otherwise they are shite. Since 2005 StinkPads have been made and sold by a Chinese company because the profit margins aren't massive enough.

Relation to Microsoft

IBM created Bill Gates, and is therefore responsible for all the wars and CP in the world. Therefore, IBM is the most gay corporation on earth. Gates and his joke company Microsoft were too lazy to produce their own OS, so they got Gary Kildall to do it. But he went flying so.....they got Bill Gates "quality product" instead. Later, IBM asked Microsoft to join them in creating OS/2 -- which they did. It even ran on their shitty mainframes (which no one was buying by that point anyway). Later, when Microsoft was ready to sell Windows 95, Bill Gates made fun of OS/2. IBM cried about it, and because they were such sissies, nobody bought OS/2. However, their crying did get them over $8 in an anti-trust suit.

In revenge, IBM now "sells" Linux. It's free but it won't work unless you send blank checks to the Giant Crab every month.

Relation to SCO

Where the Watson family stores their giant black cocks

Back in the late 90s, SCO teamed up with IBM to join them in creating Project Monterrey. This was to take IBM's existing *nix OSes and merge them with UNIX. IBM later stopped working on their own *nix, and decided to "sell" Linux. The actual software was "free" but if you wanted support, oh, hell, you were expected to display your CEO's anus for immediate fisting by IBM sales drones. As a result, SCO decided to sue IBM, Novell, and all their customers. IBM now holds a death grip on SCO and is sucking the life out of them.

Moral of the story: never mess with IBM. Ass fistery is their business.

Relation to Nazi Germany

IBM made the computers that counted up dead heebs and homos, restocked yummy snacks online, and switched the perimeter security lighting (and Hitler's night light) on and off every evening and morning according to the solar calendar. There's a book about it, which was the subject of a retarded editwar on TOW.

Other turds

• Teenaged boy buys useless IBM mainframe for $240 and worships it in his basement
• 50 years of horseshit and JCL

[RecessionInflation]

£€ IBM is a part of a series on Money $¥

Featured article October 1, 2005
Preceded by Latvia	IBM	Succeeded by Tinkebell