Bogans

As America and Canadia has her wiggers and rednecks and England her chavs and pikeys, so too does Ausfailia. Going by various titles such as "bogan", "derro" (short for derelict) and "that cunt 3 seats behind me who won't stop playing nigger music on his fucking phone", these colourful characters serve as a community reminder of how low white people can sink.

Defining Traits

if you see this bogan troll whore Stylidiumlane you better fucking run mate

Baby Milo jumper
Referring to male friends as "brah"
Vocal and unfounded hatred of other races, oblivious to the fact that immigrants typically contribute far more to society than they do
Blasting shitty repetitive nigger music at 90 decibels on trains and buses from their stolen phones
Constant adjustment of genitalia; heedless of environment
Noisily kissing sexual partner on buses
Eight children, all with asinine names like "Shakira" and "Phoenix" or ordinary names with retarded spelling such as "Jyessekæh" and "Chkristallle"
Public alcohol consumption and unchecked alcoholism; but we all know it's invisible if it's in a brown paper bag, isn't it officer?
Harassing any intellectuals they happen across
Conducting conversations within themselves with the verbal skills of a trisomy-addled stroke victim immediately after a dental anaesthesia
Constantly smoking to relieve their very stressful lives

Spotting a Bogan

What happens when /b/ encounters a bogan

Bogans are usually very easily identified, usually from a distance. They ~~speak~~ mumble a dialect of English which remarkably does not seem to use any consonants whatsoever (eg: "yeahiuhweareuhyeah" is a formal greeting). However, the bogan mating call is a different affair entirely: they shriek a series of what are apparently words in a vocal timbre so nasal one wonders if their vocal chords are actually located in their sinuses. Should you be taking a Sunday stroll and hear a cry of "AWWWWYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBRU" take cover immediately- a bogan is nearby, and he "needs some money for the bus" (perhaps the greatest mystery surrounding bogans is that despite always spending "bus money" on alcohol and cigarettes, there is still a plethora of them on any form of public transport you care to name).

Concerning Cityrail

Cityrail officers and bogans have a symbiotic relationship largely consisting of mutual ignorance. Bogans treat Cityrail trains as a second (or in some cases first) home; and despite constant behaviour that is clearly not allowed; Cityrail officers will ignore them, opting instead to concentrate on their true vocation: charging fines of several hundred dollars of people who unfathomably did not manage to get a ticket for their 6-minute train ride even though there were only three or four hundred people in the queue and Cityrail generously had one WHOLE serving window open.

Bogan Fashion

While traditionally consisting of flannelette and ratty jeans, it appears nowadays to be an ongoing competition to see who can spend the most money at Paddy's Markets (for non-Australians, Paddy's Markets are basically retail sweatshops). Baby Milo jumpers for the boys and fake "Guess" bags for the ladies (as in "guess how many Asian children it took to make this") are timeless classics, set off with an alluring $4 deodorant. The ladies are to be seen in pants that are MUCH, MUCH TOO REVEALING (remember those little balloons filled with flour that you could squish around?). The boys participate in ongoing physics experiments; seeing how far below the waistline they can suspend their pants without them actually falling off.

"Body Art"

Bogans are the sole reason the tattoo business stays afloat in Australia. The males adorn themselves in badly drawn skulls and pictures of their girlfriends; albeit with some artistic license (they are typically depicted as ~100kg lighter than they actually are). The ladies opt for badly spelled (or more often simply incorrect) quotes, occasionally interspersed with the names of some of their enormous Centrelink-funded brood.

WHEN BOGANS ATTACK!

Confrontations with bogankind are a danger that all Australians and visitors to Australia must deal with on an almost daily basis. Below are some typical examples of confrontations and how to deal with them.
The attack: You are walking by a group of young male boganlings. You are alone- bogans do not attack multiple targets. One of them says something about you, deliberately too quiet for you to hear because he's too cool to speak audibly, much less coherently. His quasi-sapient friends bray with badly concealed, hyena-like hooting laughter. This is, somewhat inexplicably, an attempt to intimidate you.
The defence: Tell them there is a sale on goon at the local bottle-o. They will not be seen again for several months.

The attack: You are at work and approached by a bogan. His nasal emissions give a vague indication of wanting something but you are out of stock. The bogan flies into a rage, flailing his tattooed arms and braying about "DISKRIMMUHNAYSHUN"
The defence: Wait for his girlfriend to waltz up and beat him into submission with her Supre bag.

The attack: You are alone somewhere- location is not relevant. An obvious bogan approaches you and may or may not attempt (attempt, not succeed at) conversation. Sooner or later, said bogan will implore you with some variation of "I need money for *some form of public transport*". You are for whatever reason expected to give them money you earnt because they have run out of money the government gave them. If you give them the money, they will without hesitation walk to the nearest bottle shop and emerge with a goon sack or passion pop. They have no qualms with doing this in plain sight of whoever gave them the money. They presumably adopted this tactic from the Aboriginals.
The defence: if the bogan is male, exclaim "you're that bastard who got my daughter pregnant!" which in all likeliness he probably was because your ~~daughter~~ mum is a slut. It is unlikely to be a female but if it is, just choke a bitch, you faggot.

Bogans on the silver screen

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Linguistics

Alastor confirmed master troll

The perversion of English used by bogans has a very distinctive tone. Here are some fun translations which will aid you in your travels:

When greeting one another
Standard: Hello.
Bogan: HOW YA GOIN YA KUNT

When one's toe is stepped on by a passer-by
Standard: I'm sorry, I should have watched where I was going.
Bogan: OI FUKKEN KUNT GIT DAHFUKKOUT MOI WAY

When purchasing items at the local tobacconist
Standard: May I please have a packet of Marlboro Light? Thanks.
Bogan: GIMME SUM FUKKEN DURRIES BRAH OR I'LL FUKKIN SMASH YA

When having bags checked upon exiting a store
Standard: It's ok, I understand this is a regulation, thanks and have a nice day.
Bogan: DIS IS UN-FUKKEN-BULOIVABLE I DIDN'T STEAL ANYFING YA FUKKEN MOLL

As you can see, the bogan language is rich indeed!

Bogan Youth

The youth of the bogan community are to be seen on public transport; exchanging philosophical treasures such as "fukken top weed" and "I fukken did dis bitch last night brah". When they aren't contemplating their place in the universe and discussing the complexities of Nietzsche, they pass the time by burning holes in the plastic seats to get high off the fumes, and scratching illegible words into the windows, so everyone knows that "╚>▲BUR7@#$@%@*67 WUZ ERE".

These precocious kiddies busy themselves with other wholesome activities, such as shoplifting, assaulting the elderly, and having "rap battles" wherein the vocabulary is apparently restricted to around six words and the battle is won by the competitor who sprays the most spit on his opponent. The young girls also play a fun group activity called "Who can get pregnant before they turn 15?".

The Ladies Sluts

Female bogans are renowned for many things; most notably the ability to make cheap, shitty jewelry look even stupider than it does on the 8 year old girls at whom it is targeted. Female bogans are always, ALWAYS named Cheryl, Sheila, Colleen, Jessie, Katie or Marlene. Their job consists of having 39 children and "tarting up" for her sperm donor so she looks presentable when it's time for her daily beating.

Bogan driving

The capacities of a bogan brain.

Bogans tend to buy really nice cars with supercharged V8 engines or utes with custom trays, which they then crash into trees or poles. Theory has it that the drivers tend to crash out of remorse for being a failure, finally contributing to society by removing 1-5 bogans from this world.