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Steven Universe/Characters

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
< Steven Universe
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This show has a lot of fucking characters.

Important people

  • Steven DeMayo - The main character. As the son of Rose Quartz, he has inherited all of her powers; such as healing literally anything ever, creating life, possessing people, and others. If you pose a threat to the planet's existence, Steven will still see you as capable of changing; but if you hit on him, you're worse than Hitler. Has PTSD.
  • Pearl - She is a smart-ass who thinks she's superior inferior to anything surrounding her. Has an unquenchable thirst for Rose Quartz. She watches Steven in his sleep. Since she can't sex it up with Rose anymore, she'll settle for the next best thing: Garnet. Her weapon is a Spiral-tipped spear.
  • Amethyst - A Gem that was grown on Earth by evil gems. FAs on Tumblr can NEVER get enough of her because, like a disturbingly high number of characters in this show, she's FA-worthy. Constantly stuffing her fat face (even though apparently Gems don't need food, or drink, or sleep, or air). Used her shapeshifting power to turn into her fursona, "The Purple Puma" and wreck people behind Pearl and Garnet's backs. You learn later in the series that she is Jasper's bitch and has shown to be worthless as hell. Her weapon is a spiked whip.
  • Garnet - The Leader of the Crystal Gems since Rose died. She is secretly a fusion of two lesbians (lesbians exist in kids' shows now). Her powers include seeing into the future, swimming in lava, and a diva voice. The Gem Homeworld is full of Dixie Confederate Republican gems that didn't like Garnet being Garnet, so she joined Rose Quartz's army to fight for Earth so she could be free to be a black hole of faggotry. The french dub of the show censored Garnet's gayness spawning a sewer flood of hate. Her weapon is a pair of gauntlets.
  • Ruby and Sapphire - Dwarf lesbians that make up Garnet. A hot-headed red one with fire powers and a cool-headed blue one with ice powers. Completely Original. Can't last five seconds apart from each other. They are the real reason why people started to watch the show and Rebecca likes to milk them whenever she can.
  •  
    Opal
  •  
    Sugilite
  •  
    Sardonyx
  •  
    Alexandrite
  • Opal - Whenever Pearl and Amethyst aren't arguing for no reason, they can perform fusion to "form Opal": a four-armed giant woman; the gems claim that they only fuse when they have no choice but hardly ever do it when they need to and when they do it it's hardly ever when they need to.

Fun Fact: Originally they were going to pose her arms to form a swastika as a Hindu reference but were forced to scrap it because culturally ignorant Jews and Social Justice Warriors would have been offended and that can't ever happen. Her weapon is a bow.

  • Sugilite - Whenever a mission can only be completed with brute force and lots of it, Garnet and Amethyst will fuse to form Sugilite. In exchange for that power the three succumb to roid rage. Is voiced by Nicki Minaj.

Obviously the SJ-Wankers were appalled by how obviously racist her character is, which surprised us all since SJWs typically jerk off to and worship the Steven Universe characters. Sugilite's weapon is a flail.

  • Sardonyx - A fusion of Garnet and Pearl. A gap-toothed cricket who apparently works at a casino. Pearl lies to Garnet so they keep having to fuse into her, because she enjoys how it feels, causing Garnet to get butthurt and ignore her for several episodes until Pearl basically admits to being a worthless cunt who can't do shit on her own. Her weapon is a giant hammer.
  • Alexandrite - The over-hyped tri-fusion of all 3 Crystal Gems. Her main personality traits are the ignorance to human sociology already present in the Gems and her Multiple Personality Disorder. Her main physical traits are her Sonic the hedgehog shades and her second mouth that looks like something from Parasyte.
  • Lapis Lazuli - A waterbender. The Crystal Gems trapped her in a mirror for 5750 years until Steven broke her free. She flew to her homeworld in space to find that if you give a civilization 5750 years they tend to advance. She fused with Jasper so she could use her water-powers to trap herself and Jasper at the bottom of the ocean forever. Fans want to fuck her because tumblr fags think they relate to her 'abused' past. Thus, making her the most overrated and second to boot meme'd SU character and all that cringy shit.
  • Peridot - A racist who uses prosthetics and jerks off to The Diamond Authority. She used to be a baddie but now she's a goodie because of Steven's selective character redemption powers. As an "Era-2" peridot, she's a shitty millennial whose only power as a gem to be magneto.
  • Jasper - A roid-rager who Peridot dragged her with to Earth, is Lapis' abusive girlfriend and thinks Steven is Rose Quartz. She fused with Lapis after being jelly that Garnet is infinitely better than her in every way (even though she thinks fusion is for pussies) but Lapis dragged their fused body into the ocean. After separating from Lapis, Jasper became obsessed with fusing with her again, but was thrown back into the ocean. She later created an army of corrupted gems, but fuse-raped one of them and got AIDS.
  • Malachite - The Lapis-Jasper fusion that dragged it's horrid form to the bottom of the sea to save the C-Gems, getting kinky with each other with whatever shit they find down there to pass the time. It ultimately got it's shit wrecked by Alexandrite.
  •  
    Stevonnie
  •  
    "Artificial Fusions"
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    Rainbow Quartz
  •  
    The Cluster
  • Stevonnie - The accidental shota/loli fusion of Steven and Connie who frequently suffers from hallucinations brought on by Steven's own mental instability, initially thought to be Connie's fighting 'skills' being overwhelmed by her edgy 14 year old mind, being the downward spiral moment of the series if it had any upping points.
  • Rainbow Quartz - A fusion of Rose and Pearl. Now that Rose is gone, pearl decided to go for garnet instead.
  • "Artificial Fusions" - Franken-fusions of dead crystal gems created by the Homeworld as prototypes for the demon below.
  • The Cluster - An Artificial fusion of millions of gem shards that was incubating within the core of the Earth. If it were to emerge, it would become more massive than the Earth itself and rip apart the planet by the shear volume of its form. Why Homeworld made this thing? No-one knows. After all the so called "build up" of the cluster, was quickly "defeated" in one episode.
  • Bismuth - The blacksmith that made all the Crystal Gems' weapons. She treated the war like an actual war and got bubbled for it. Upon her chimp out in her debut, the fans started demonizing Fructose for having a "black-coded" character be loud and aggressive, and also for stating that murder is wrong. Steven refused to shatter other gems, and this made Bismuth turn apeshit against Steven, attempting to shatter him. Dead
  • Smoky Quartz - A fusion of Steven and Amethyst. A ripoff of sardonyx. This fruit is such a shit waifu that 4chan straight up gave up on fapping to every gem in this show. Immediately, Tumblrites started drawing the most disgustingly obese incarnations of him that could exist, doubling the demand in Clorox bleach. His weapon's a yo-yo. No jokes, he flings a giant yo-yo at his enemies to attack. Worth noting is the fact that the show devotes an entire episode to showing us that this particular fusion is inferior to the others in every way, and the creators seem to have gone out of their way to emphasize just how useless Smoky is.
  • Aquamarine - Probably the most overpowered character in the show, despite her lolita appearance. Spends the majority of her screentime trolling the other characters and makes the Crystal Gems look like weak little bitches when they try to fight her.

Useless people

  • Jamie - A mailman who's a slut for acting.
  • Onion - There are only 2 things we know for sure about Onion: His dad is always out at sea but visits for brief (emphasis on 'brief') periods of time to talk Moonspeak to him; and he's the Devil. Everything else is just speculation, shit like him being an aspie or a typical sociopath or even Yellow Diamond but the truth is he's the fucking Devil.

He also showed Steven a tape of his birth. Not even kidding.

  • Greg DeMayo - Steven's dad. He's an ex-solo-musician with cat hair and the poster child for how to fail at life but still get the best girl. Seriously though he met Rose because she's the only person who liked his music. Now Greg runs a Car Wash and lives in a van, so Steven lives with the gems.
  • Andy DeMayo - Greg's republican cousin who believed in good christian values until he shared a thanksgiving dinner with illegal alien lesbians and caught up to the current year.
  • Lars - Lars is a fat-admiring doughnut shopkeeper whose life Steven repeatedly ruins. He's secretly jealous of Steven because he's magical and hangs out with "hot girls", he is also secretly gay for Steven.

Also he's transgender. Tumblr said so.

  • Sadie - Lars' work partner and is only ever seen around Lars, Steven or both indicating that she has no other friends.
  • Connie - Steven's obligatory love interest. Connie's mom is a doctor and her dad is a cop who works for multiple beaches in multiple cities so she isn't in the same place for long, meaning she can't make friends. Because she has no friends she spend most of her time reading books and looking at boats. This probably means she knows about Onion's status as Satan. [Insert Un-funny Lolicon joke here.]
  • Mr. Fryman - The owner of a family business called 'Beach City-walk Fries' which sells Fries and seemingly nothing else. His kids are a teenage tumbling schizophrenic and an Emo.
  • Ronaldo - Petey's elder brother. A fedora-donning Tumblrite. He runs a blog called "Keep beach City weird" which oddly enough exists. In real life. Yes Really. This blog describes Ronaldo's obsession with anime, his need to feel important and his delusions about a Snake-illuminati from 12-dimensional space.
  •  
    Ronaldo
  •  
    Mr.Smiley
  •  
    Connie
  • Kofi and Kiki Pizza - Kofi's family own a pizza place called 'Fish Stew Pizza'. His known family are his daughters Kiki and Jenny and his mom, Nanefua. Kiki has incredibly little character so you can just ignore her. Kofi can only be described in 2-words: "Black Rage".
  • Mr. Smiley - The nigger that runs Beach City Funland and hosts an illegal wrestling business. his addiction to crack is the reason Beach City Funland is so accident prone.
  • Kevin - The antithesis to everything SJW and thus the best character in the show while the whole fandom hates him. He appears once in a rave to try to get into Stevonnie's shorts but fails. He now has a slick car and a tendency to piss everyone off.
  • Marty - Greg's former manager and a greedy, womanizing kike. Greg told him to GTFO after he learned the truth about him. He fucked Onion's mom which resulted in Sour Cream being born. He later comes back after turning into Mr. Burns and pretends to want to help Sour Cream with his DJing career. However, true to his Jewish nature, it turns out to just be an excuse for him to shill some shitty soda.

"Respect our authoritah" people

  • Yellow Diamond - The gem matriarch or something. Revealed to be Gem-Hitler when she finally shows up, wanting to destroy the earth just because Rose told her to fuck off years ago and killed her baby sister, and because it will give her pleasure to do so. She is such a boss that even the crewniverse fangirls over her VA.
  • Blue Diamond - Yellow D.'s partner. While Yellow is shown to be focused on Making America Great Again, Blue just spends all her time being an emo cunt and BAWWWWWing over Pink Diamond. Since Earth was Pink's first colony, humans remind Blue of her. So she kidnaps Greg with the intention of inserting him into her gaping vag while fantasizing about Pink Diamond.
  • White Diamond - The best Diamond. Much like whites in real life, White Diamond is strongly implied to be the gems' supreme leader and the other diamonds' boss. Knowing this show, this was likely done intentionally to symbolize white privilege or some other made-up bullshit.

TL;DR everyone is how tumblrinas want the world to be i.e. men are inferior, women always say something intelligent, children are being brainwashed into being SJWs etc.

 

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