Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars

Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars is a shitty 2009 open-world action-adventure vidya game, developed by Rockstar Leeds, in conjunction with Rockstar North. The game is only available for iPod, PSP, iPad, and Nintendo DS because Rockstar attempted making a "GTA game for kids", for the first time ever. The game itself, is pure shit. It has a top-down camera view with a shitty lock-on system, boring cutscenes, that are just images with captions at the bottom, and boring gameplay in general. Essentially, it's just a scaled down version of GTA IV, that the only thing you can do in it, are the missions. The map for GTA CTW is based on the GTA IV rendition of the city, but everything is square, and details are simplified because of "restrictions" on hand-held devices. Also, there is no third island, Alderney State, in this game.

GTA CTW has shitty graphics.

However, you can buy and sell drugs. Kids will certainly learn a lot about the drug trade by playing this game, thanks to Rockstar.

Plot

The game starts off with Huang flying in his private jet, talking about how his father was murdered in Kowloon, and how he has to deliver a stolen sword to Wu "Kenny" Lee in Liberty City. Apparently, his father was murdered while doing drugs and fucking cheap women, when he was murdered. A few moments later, as if Huang's plane was traveling at the speed of light over the ocean, manages to reach Francis International Airport in Liberty City. Some guys roll up in an Admiral, and tell him that his uncle sent them to pick him up.

Then, Huang, and his bodyguards are ambushed by a bunch of guys in black suits, driving black cars. Huang gets shot, and is kidnapped by the guys in the black cars. The guys in the car Huang is in argue about robbing people, Huang himself, and eventually come to the conclusion that Huang is dead, when he's really just unconscious. So, they dump him in the water at the BOABO docks. Huang, managing to escape, reaches the shore and steals a car. He drives to Kenny's restaurant, Sum Yung Gai. There, he talks with his uncle about shit, and unlocks the first safehouse.

From there, he continues working for Uncle Kenny, for Chan Jaoming, and eventually all the other characters listed below.

...

In the end, it was Kenny who murdered Huang's father, stole the sword, and threatened to kill Hsin. Huang kills him in Hsin's penthouse, after another long boring cutscene, a gunfight in a desalinization plant, and a long police chase.

Characters

Dull, boring, and often forgotten. Here are the notable characters in this game:

• Huang Lee: The protagonist of the game; the person you play as. He's a spoiled rich kid who hates the people he gets missions from. But who could blame him? For a guy that was robbed, shot, and left to die in a drowning car, he was sure treated like shit, and demanded to do a bunch of boring, mundane shit, just to find out where a fucking sword was.
• Wu "Kenny" Lee: Huang's uncle, a person whom he gets missions from. A typical, "power-crazy" motherfucker who makes Huang beat up Mexicans behind a store, burn down stores, and kill Zhou Ming and Chan Jaoming close to the end of the game. As it turns out, he is the one that murdered his brother, and stole the sword that he won in a card game.
• Chan Jaoming: A complete fucking moron, and the son of the Triad boss, Hsin Jaoming. Like Wu "Kenny" Lee, he is another notable person you take missions from. Him and Zhou are competing to become the next Triad boss.
• Zhou Ming: The "arrogant shit" in the game, as described by Huang Lee in a cutscene. Makes you deliver a man in an ambulance to him, only to cut his heart out. Also, pays you shit for hard missions. Asshole.
• Hsin Jaoming: The leader of the Triads. Makes Huang do whatever he wants. In one mission (One Shot, One Kill), you give a guy the JFK experience. Oh, and he makes you chop guys' heads off with a sword.
• Melanie Mallard: A moronic TV reporter, who makes you kill a bunch of niggers for a TV broadcast.
• Rudy D'Avanzo: An Italian mobster who makes you kill a bunch of guys in a graveyard. Also, he's a cross-dresser.
• Lester Leroc: The fat, greasy biker who acts as Hsin's private investigator who was told by Hsin to contact Huang about raiding the Angels of Death biker gang. Huang hates him for making him buy him ecstasy, and sell the biker's drugs because he's too much of a wimp to do it himself. Unfortunately, the game does not order you to kill him.
• Ling Shan: The only girl in this game that Huang wanted to fuck. She appears in one mission where you pick her up from his uncle's exotic porn shoot. In the next mission, she gets shot to death by a Spanish Lord. The end.
• Xin Shan: Ling's brother. Probably a more spoiled rich kid than Huang. Makes you drive a tank around the airport and blow shit up, and then gets mad at you because he got his ass shot by the cops. In order to unlock his missions, you have to waste time looking for the "Lions of Fo" in random locations throughout the map. He's the last storyline mission character in the game.

Gangs

The pedestrians who carry machine guns, and dress according to a code, so they're all the same color. If you shoot at them or jack their vehicle first, they'll try to kill you. They drive vans loaded with drugs, that you can steal. They're not hard to identify.

• Triads: The main gang in this game, and the one Huang is a member of. They dress in purple, and control Chinatown and Cerveza Heights.
• Irish American Killers: Potato heads who dress in green, (go figure) and control the Dukes area. They appear in one mission where you can burn them alive with a flame thrower, thereby making baked potatoes.
• African Americans: Niggers who control the streets of Northwood, and East Hove Beach. They are possibly the recycled "Hustlers" from GTA IV, considering that IV and CTW both take place in the same universe, in the same city.
• Yardies: Little Jacob's posse, only he doesn't appear in this game. They don't appear in any missions, control only one area, and dress in yellow.
• Spanish Lords: The long-term enemies of the Triads who constantly attack Kenny. So Kenny makes you blow up their warehouse like an ISIS bomber, and kill them all off.
• Midtown Gangsters: Korean faggots who reside in North Bohan. Like the Spanish Lords, they get massacred, and have their shit blown up. Seems like the Rockstar Games developers really like the concept of blowing shit up.
• Angels of Death: Greasy biker gang that Lester tries to become a member of, with the help of Huang, to infilitrate it.
• Russian Mafia: Russians who control Hove Beach. These are possibly the same Russians that Niko had to deal with in GTA IV. In CTW, however, they do not make a presence in any missions.
• Mob: Italian mobsters who dress in fancy suits. These are possibly the Messinas from GTA IV, though their actual name is unknown. In the game, they are only referred to as the "Mob".

Excluded Gangs

Gangs that appeared in GTA IV, but not CTW because Rockstar was too lazy to add them in.

• Albanian Mob
• McReary Family
• Jewish Mob
• Pegorino Family
• 4/5 Commission Families:
  • Pavano Family
  • Ancelotti Family
  • Gambetti Family
  • Lupisella Family
• Faustin Mafia
• The Lost
• Korean Mob
  • The Midown Gangsters are possibly a splinter group of the Korean Mob, driven out of Alderney.

Gameplay

Chinktown Wars has shitty graphics that look like they're from an early 2000s video game. And the lock on system doesn't even work properly half the time. This is funny, considering GTA IV has far superior graphics to GTA CTW, but was released a year earlier. The cutscenes, themselves, are boring, making 9/10 people skip them altogether. It features a crappy top down view, the same one you'd find in GTA I and II. Only here, the top-down camera is even shittier. You cannot see the sky, and are restricted to a particular camera plane at all times, nor can you change the camera mode. The map isn't completely identical to GTA IV; there is no Alderney, for some reason, just Algonquin, Broker, Dukes, and Bohan. Also, the radio stations are crap.

Unlike other GTA games, you can buy and sell drugs and make money off them. I guess that Rockstar wanted to teach kids about the drug trade. And they'll certainly learn how to be an IRL drug dealer.

See Also

• GTA V
• GTA IV
• GTA EFLC

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