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Grand Theft Auto III
Introduction
Many people believe Grand Theft Auto III is the first in the series because they are too stupid to read Roman numerals.. Set in "Liberty City," you played as some luser with no name who had his vocal chords ripped out as a kid. The NPCs didn't seem to mind him being a mute because he was such a badass, so would often have whole, albeit one-sided, conversations with him.
According to GayFAQs, his name is "Claude Speed."
This is so your character in GTA: San Andreas (if you're stupid enough to play it) can date "Claude's" girlfriend Catalina and be dumped, with some mention of how her new boyfriend is "Claude Speed".
The Mr. X/Claude Speed controversy led to massive trolling of GameFAQs boards, giving the mods a field day.
Story and gameplay
The game begins with a boring FMV that takes a couple of hours to show a bit of drug taking and bank robbing.
If you wait long enough to discover that parts of the game are playable, you get to take 8-Bix and X through a 0.02-second journey on foot before they discover a conveniently placed car, complete with radio (happens all the time).
Mister X then somehow finds himself doing "jobs" and "favors" for the Mafia (Don Salvatoré, Tony Cipriáni & Maria), a gang named "El Diablos" (El Burro) and some pervert named "Luigi" who runs a sicko strip bar.
Lulz ensues with the AI that is in every GTA to date causing pedestrians to dive in front of your car more often than they avoid it.
For some bizarre reason which can only be the result of a drug cocktail enjoyed by Rockstar employees, some missions include taking photographs of fat men in diapers. I shit you not. Other missions involve the theft of bestiality porn.
At least 100 years of hard labor later, the infamous bridge that was Osama'd at the beginning of this game is miraculously repaired, granting you "Staunton Island": five more square centimeters to run around in.
The game ends when you've killed all of your past buddies because someone told you to on the phone, rescued your booty call from earlier in the game, and Mr. X and her walk off into the sunset (original, eh?). Mister X then puts a bullet in her mouth because she can't shut up and he can't say STFU.
The lulz that never were
Being developed in the lulzy 90's , when terrorism was seen as something cool and transgressor, and amateur bombings and shootings happened every week (see Waco, Timothy McVeigh, Columbine and unabomber as examples), the game originally included a character named Darkel that ordered you to commit massacres of random pedestrians, and it is even rumored that one of the missions was to drive and airplane into some building and another one had you blow up a schoolbus full of kids.
But because it was supposed to be released just 3 weeks after Jews did WTC, the game was modified and the character was baleeted. sniff
Gallery of GTA III
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Claude Speed is prone to taking orders from talking pieces of paper and can drive vehicles that handle like a swim in dog-toffee. -
If you saved the photo of Mr. Underpants you'll find a bonus pic of him wearing none. WIN! -
Generic nigger owns bomb shops in plainly advertised view of everybody and will fit anybody's car with explosive material. Allahu Akbar! Voiced by recently deceased nigger Guru -
Mr. and Mrs. Goterelli run a brothel in GTA III.
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Retard Hambeast (left) & Miguel (right): This is entitled Feminist ex-girlfriend with spic -
Guess who's going to die of AIDS first? Greaser or Britney clone? -
Some virtual guy voiced by Michael Madsen (Driv3r, Kill Bill), OMG, so exciting! -
Chef Boyardee -
Some whore -
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...and this is his boyfriend.
Gameplay footage
(Above) [Intro and Mission #1] Osama's h4xX rampage on Portland's bridge, the escaping negro etc...
Mission #02
Oh NOEZ! People taking drugs and having fun? Kill kill kill. The piece of paper told you to!
Mission #03
Picking up an ugly prostitute with Boy George's dress sense, driving her to you.
Mission #04
Moar killing, same old shit after just four missions. DESU.
Let's skip forwards...
Mission #15
Collecting Donkey Does Dallas magazines that float, are orange, and are everywhere. Just like reality.
Mission #16
Maria. Boring driving, annoying voice, doesn't stop talking and killing her = WIN.
Mission #17
Your mom, another talking letter and moar boring driving!
Mission #18
Wut? Moar boring driving? DESU DESU.
Let's skip again, it's all the same...
Mission #21
Moar talking letters. Man this shit is whack. Moar of the same.
That's it! Skipping by 40 should lead to something new? Right?
Mission #61
Oh shit. Driving? But crashing atall = FAIL? DESU DESU FUCKING DESU! It's all the same!!
Final Mission
Driving?...Shit-hard shooting? Amazing action? A mission most people alive cannot complete without cheats you say? YES! Oh it's all over...
GRAND THEFT AUTO 3 = FAIL/100
See also
- Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy - The Definitive Edition
- Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
- Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
- Grand Theft Auto IV
- Grand Theft Auto V
