Fifty Shades of Grey
Fifty Shades of Grey is smut written by a Brit named E. L. James. It was originally a Twilight fanfiction called, Master of the Universe but was removed from fanfiction.net because she wanted to make money off of her poorly written erotica. E. L. James decided to share her sexual fantasies to the mainstream public by changing the names of the characters and publishing her piece of shit work. And so began the media sensation, "Fifty Shades of Grey" as every housewife within a mile radius of a store rushed to get it and a vibrator and get down to business.
It stars a virgin named Anastasia Steele Unrealistic expectations, and in typical porn fashion, they fuck and she can't get enough of his dick. Ana loves getting tied up and being his submissive bitch, getting wet every time he smacks her around and rapes her.
Despite the boring plot, the one-dimensional characters, and the poorly written sex scenes, Fifty Shades of Grey was proven to be an international success. Its target demographic: forty year-old housewives whose husbands are busy fucking the young secretary that will actually suck and swallow. This book provides fappable material for these sex depraved housewives who secretly fantasize about being slave whores to shirtless, well-built, male gardeners while their husbands are away fucking their cousins. It was bestseller of the year and is now forced into libraries and public education as a form of study and as a guide for women to read while bored in the kitchen.
Characters
Anastasia Steele
Bella Swan, I mean, Anastasia Steele is your typical Mary Sue. She's boring, sees herself as unattractive, always thinking someone is laughing at her or teasing her, and yet has every guy wanting to put their dicks in her, and she's thirsty for their jizz (see Bukkake). The twenty-one year old is supposed to be an intelligent, independent college student. This characterization is contradicted when we find out that not only does she not know how to use a laptop, she doesn't even know how to use email. This is even further reinforced when she practically dates a psychopath who actually warns her to keep away from him for her own safety. Despite this warning, she disregards his advice and still expects a prince who treats her with respect. This only proves that women, especially women like Ana, should not be allowed to leave the confines of their kitchens. She typically uses phrases like, "Jeez!", "Holy crap!" and, "Oh my!" instead of swearing, leading one to believe that the twenty-one year old has the mindset of a five year old, making Christian Grey a Pedobear.
Despite being a virgin who has never masturbated in her life, Anastasia is able to lose her virginity with hardly any pain, and even had the ability to give a perfect blowjob on her first try. She constantly gnaws on her lower lip, which gives Grey a raging hard on. She loves getting her ass kicked by Grey, having orgasms every time he practices his pimp slap on her. She soon falls in love with Grey for his "intelligence" and "charms". She's a walking doormat who gets off to Grey's GPS skills and dominant style and will do anything to fill her hole with Grey's rod.
Christian Grey
Christian Grey (aka Edward Cullen) is a twenty-seven year-old CEO of Grey Enterprises Holding Inc., translated as "some company no one really gives as fuck about." The control freak surrounds himself with blonde women as a part of his fascist sexual tendencies and his need to assure the public that he doesn't take it up the ass on a regular basis. He's described as cold, calculating, and looking like he has a 12 foot long iron pole shoved up his rectum.
Grey was raped by his adoptive mother's best friend at fifteen, teaching him how to find pleasure in domestic violence and rape. It stopped when the woman rejected him because he finally became an adult. Hurt and alone, he found comfort in men for a while, but then switched back to women some time later in his life. When Ana asks him, "Are you gay, Mr. Grey?" during his interview at the beginning of the story, Grey gets extremely tense and pissed, indicating that the above content is indeed correct. Dating and fucking Ana gives him the hope of fully regaining his heterosexuality, though we all know that isn't going to happen, which is part of the reason why he beat her.
José Rodriguez
José Rodriguez is this book's version of Jacob Black, the werewolf from Twilight. He works at an off-brand version of Home Depot like most spics, and is one of the guys who wants to bang Miss Mary Sue. ONe night he was drunk and nearly raped her, but Christian Grey stepped in to save her, telling him that she was his to rape. E. L. James throws in a few rough Spanish phrases to authenticate his Mexican heritage.
Katherine (Kate) Kavanagh
She is Anastasia's whore roommate who is extremely open about her sexual encounters, constantly regaling Ana with stories of how many penises she was able to fit in all her orifices at once. In the beginning of the story, Anastasia goes into detail about how her friend looks:
—E. L. James's failed attempt at imagery through Ana's narration | ||
This could imply that Ana is interested in wanting to be just like her.
Inner Goddess
The Inner Goddess is constantly referred to when things happen to Ana.
Plot
The plot, if you want to call it that, is your basic, "Aloof, naïve girl meets rich, handsome man with mommy issues. They have a lot of sex and live happily ever after in their mansion," story. Seriously. There's nothing more than this. It is roughly five hundred pages of this.
Erika L. James
Erika Leonard James is a 48 year-old mother of two who should definitely stick to her day job. She said that she did a lot of research on BDSM by watching enough porn that would make Quagmire admire her. Many doubt that she did much research at all considering that the sex scenes were extremely generic and uninteresting to people with healthy sex lives.
E. L. James claiming that she did research.
In the days of Shakespeare, talent and literacy were needed to make a famous novel, but thanks to Erika and Smeyer and all the stupid fucks who buy into their bullshit, the only thing needed is a set of ovaries and the minimum of an sixth grade education. Her most used tools for writing the books was finding new synonyms on Microsoft Word to make up for her lack of sophisticated vocabulary and trying to make her characters sound upper class, that is, before degrading them back to cumwhores when she gets lazy and wants to get horny. By using repetitive words, pretentious word usage, and terrible story structure/storyline, she became an overnight millionaire.
Her books are primarily composed of events that would never happen in real life. If any of the books happened in real life, Ana would be in a domestic abuse victim unit and Christian Grey would be behind bars for abusing dem virgins, unless of course it was staged somewhere else. It's a wonder how her husband can stand being around her. Perhaps he's into it as well.
ZOMG A MOVIE?!
Yes, there has been a lot of talk about there being a Fifty Shades of Grey movie. According to the Los Angeles Times, the film rights to the novel have been sold to Universal Pictures, so one is to assume that Fifty Shades of Grey will follow in its predecessor's footsteps and shit out a few poorly acted movies.
Now the question on everyone's mind is, "Who is going to play Anastasia and Christian?!" Disregard that. No one gives a shit.
Videos
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Quotes from the Book
—Anastasia informing Christian that José is condemned to the Friend Zone | ||
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