Lead

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Lead, in its unprocessed form, is quite beautiful to look at...and quite tasty.

Lead (atomic number 82, symbol Pb from the Latin: “paragon beautia”) is a sparkly, magical chemical discovered by the Chinese. Often used in the construction of toys meant for export, recent discoveries have found that Lead is also a tasty food additive, making already delicious desserts and candies that much more scrumptious.

Personality

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Once processed, Lead can be used to make eye catching jewelry.

When initially mined, Lead is a soft, brightly colored metal resembling mushy grey plastic. Wait, what? "Brightly colored" and "grey" sort of contradict each other, don't they? Upon further inspection, it is found that Lead is uncommonly heavy and boring. This seemingly bland metal was thought to have no useful purpose until very recently when the Chinese discovered a wide range of uses by magically transforming the chemical by the use of their ancient and mysterious yellow miracles.

Production

After the mining process, the Chinese take Lead and wave large magical wands over the substance, instantly making delightful toys and jewelry. Nobody knows just what the Chinese do to cause this miraculous transformation, but because the Chinese are all wise old men with friendly faces, it is thought that the process is both safe and beneficial for the environment.

Uses

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With a smile like that, you know the toy is made of pure Lead.

Lead is the primary ingredient in all Chinese toys. The enchanting attributes of the metal make every toy it is fashioned into just like a gleaming gumdrop of love. Because the metal is so desirable, one would think that it would be rare and expensive, however because of those witty and fairylike Chinese, the cost is astoundingly low and has stayed that way for several years.

Another benefit from this truly special metal is gained when the toys made of the substance are designed to be worn next to the open skin or placed in the mouth. Scientists disagree upon what the exact processes are involved, but early testing on laboratory rats have yielded many fabulous results, including increased strength, x-ray vision, and a near immortal life-span. Will the wonders of this nearly perfect substance ever cease?!?!

Recent Press

Despite the fact that Lead is a modern marvel, there are a few, rag-tag fringe groups that wish to downplay the brilliance and importance of the material. These fringe groups, most notably CBS, NBC, ABC, and the Los Angeles Times have all mocked together “scienticous experiments” whose only goal is to injure the upstanding and unassailable reputation of Lead. These reports should be considered media sensationalist hogwash and promptly ignored. The Chinese are incapable of creating anything poisonous, harmful, or toxic. If they could, why would their products sell so well?

The Future

Several new processes for the production of Lead have recently been discovered. Because of these processes, a whole rainbow of new products will begin to be produced and sold in American markets. One such process will actually incorporate Lead into food products and will also be utilized as a sugar substitute. Soon, hard candies, frostings, drink sweeteners, chocolates, salads and chewing gums will be entirely made of Chinese Lead.