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Hambeast

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Hambeast (aka Fat, Fatass, Lardass) is a word that describes you, Anonymous, and about 95% of all LiveJournal; actually, about 95% of all on the internets. Also, one who cannot fit into MRIs. Fatties, along with rednecks, are the only people it is politically correct to make fun of, although transsexuals have no legal protections in most jurisdictions and can be freely harassed. Finding a fat tranny to harass would be an epic win. Finding a fat, redneck tranny to harass would be a once in a lifetime chance for extreme lulz.

He came.

Fat people are abominations, the filthiest eye-sores known to mankind, they deserve to be slaughtered like the pigs they are and roasted on a spit to feed the starving people they stole life-saving food from. A fatty is without exception angry, bitter, and cynical. They like to eat, talk trash with their fat friends, eat, act petty, eat in secret, eat in public, cry about how this shallow and materialistic world is so unjust to their kind, and most importantly, eat while crying. Although in some cases, there are people who are naturally born fat. And even then, there is sometimes a solution.

Fat Mentality

 
HNNNNGGGG
 
Fatty with moose knuckle.
 
MAN THE HARPOONS!!

Fat people possess fat mentality, which subscribes to the following assumptions (and their rebuttals):

Yes, it is. It's never the bullet. It's always the sniper.
  • Because I am fat, I can be a bitch.
No, even if your body doesn't drive people away, your attitude will.
Nobody likes a fatty. Seriously. Unless they're sick fucks. And since when is being fat a race?
  • Real women have curves.
Curves ≠ balloons of fat.
She was actually a size 8, 5'5", and weighed roughly 112 lbs-- putting her at a BMI of 21, overweight being 25. Snopes debunked that shit. The size 16 myth was circulated by fatties, to feel better about their own lard asses. Weight notwithstanding, Marilyn Monroe was hot, you are ugly.
No, you are a fat whore, and nobody forced you to eat so damn much.
  • You must change the airplane seats to fit my enormous fat ass.
If you stopped eating so much, you wouldn't have that problem in the first place. Or, stop being so cheap and pay for the bigger first class seats.
  • I deserve a free electric mobility cart because Twinkies aren't a choice.
You deserve a push down a flight of stairs.
Beer makes everybody look better, honey.
  • More cushion for the pushing.
I do not want to wonder if I am fucking your pussy or your sweaty folds.
Yes that may be true, but just not from me or you.
  • If you find me unattractive, you're fat-phobic.
I find you disgustingly repulsive, as does the rest of the normal human populace.
Fat-phobic and proud, baby. Call the whaaambulance.
  • Being fat is due to genetics.
Unless your genetics involved not being able to put the fucking fork down, STFU
  • Would you rather look at at anorexic bag of bones?
So people have two choices only, looking like a blimp or a skeleton?
  • You're just jealous of my confidence.
No, I pity your self delusions. I'm pretty confident no one wants to look like you.
  • I'm taking hormones to help lose weight.
No, you're just a fat bitch with a stache.

Some say that the fat mentality is the main reason fat people are unattractive. This is a big fat lie. Fat people are unattractive because they are a bloated mockery of the human form and they reek because they can't reach to clean in between all the rolls.

Obesity and Oral Sex

 
The only thing fat girls are good for....

It should be noted that fat chicks give great head. They have also been known to have warm vaginas, because their fat thighs insulate heat better, but I digress. Fat girls give the best head because having things in their mouths gives them pleasure. This is why they are fat - it's not about the calories, its about the feel of something meaty sliding down their throats. In cases of too much enthusiasm, a fat woman may take ejaculation as a cue to bite and swallow anything in her mouth.

The hazards of getting head from a fat chick include but are not limited to getting one's penis barfed on as fat chicks often have esophageal reflux, getting a dick hickey from an overenthusiastic performance, and having the beluga stalk you, becoming an albatross around one's neck and an embarrassment in front of one's friends. It should be obvious that any fat chick with a working gag reflex has a built-in solution to her problem of being fat! Fat chicks who do not give great head are probably fat dykes. Research is inconclusive regarding fat men and cunnilingus. For information on fat men and fellatio, please see gay.

How Fat People Should be Treated

 
Proper treatment of those who choose to offend visually.

Written at least 100 years ago by Thomas Jefferson, the Declaration of Independence states that all people men are created equal. However, fatties are not people, and besides, who cares what a black person fucker like Thomas Jefferson says, amirite? Therefore, mass extermination of fatties is recommended and even encouraged by God himself as laid forth in the Bible in that part about flamethrowers. Since fat people are the world's greatest abomination, the only thing they deserve is to be pwned in the electric chair... then again they can't fit their Russian sized asses into the electric chair, so they should instead be sent to fat camp and incinerated in gas rooms and bukkaked the way das Fuhrer did with the Jews.

As you can clearly see, fat people are known to refrain from physical action because.. well.. it's action; and action is exercise which is against fat people's morals. Instead, they make really loud unnecessary noises and threats they know they are too lazy to carry out as well as an array of feral, guttural noises even more savage sounding than Helen Keller before Anne Sullivan taught her to sign. This should not be considered a threat as the fatty will most certainly tire out before any harm is done.

Weight Loss Advice for Fatties

 
Typical ineffective fatty exercise.
 
OM NOM NOM NOM
 
A winner is you!
  • Stop eating.
  • Amputate eight or so of your chins.
  • Stop eating.
  • Aid Japanese fishermen by attracting some whales of the opposite sex.
  • Stop eating.
  • Throw up.
  • Stop eating.
  • Eat less.
  • Stop eating.
  • Cut off both of your legs.
  • Stop eating.
  • Slit your... oh wait you don't have a neck.
  • Stop eating
  • Masturbate with your bite-sized dick.
  • Stop eating
  • Do a fucking push-up.
  • Stop eating.
  • Remove any of your useless organs, presumably your stomach, brain... better yet your heart.
  • Stop eating.
  • Go on Dr. Phil
  • Stop eating.
  • When going to a buffet, the term "all you can eat" IS NOT A CHALLENGE.
  • Stop eating.
  • Get liposuction.
  • Stop eating.
  • Try drinking water instead of a milkshake- just because it has a banana in it doesn't mean it's healthy.
  • Stop eating.
  • Have celery instead of a sheet cake when you want a snack.
  • Stop eating.
  • Eat raw meat, get a tape worm.
  • Stop eating
  • Take lots of drugs and die on the toilet.
  • Stop eating
  • Become An Hero.
  • Did we mention... STOP EATING?


Euphemisms

File:Lolfail.jpg
A fatty's attempt at being "sexy".
 
Sexy time for the "big-boned".
 
Look mom, I'm in a rock band!
 
Fat Princess
 
When their gravitational pull attracts them, it's impossible to get them apart

Fat women will never refer to themselves as "fat". They will use other, gentler words to describe their disgusting obesity. If you hear a hippoglotamus use any of the following words to describe his or herself, please correct them:

Heavy

Fat girls will often describe other fat girls as heavy (or heavyset). Example:

Fatty: "Excuse me, but did you see a heavy woman here?"
Normal person: "Hey, I'm looking for this stupid fat bitch, was she here?" (This is correct.)

Note: Do not ever ever ever confuse "heavy" with "top heavy" Heavy girls are fat fucks. Top heavy girls have nice big boobs. (See Scarlet.)

They may also use the term "Full Figured." (Just how full is the figure we're talking about?)

Chubby

A chubby is a fat girl who thinks she is proportionate. In reality, chub scouts are not proportionate. The problem with the adjective "chubby" that sets it apart from the other euphemisms is that fat girls who describe themselves as "chubby" are in total denial of their fatness.

The following exchange is not uncommon with a fat girl:

Normal person: "Wow, you're fat."
Fatty: "No I'm not, I'm chubby."

Note: Truly proportionate girls are top heavy (see above) and callipygous.

Curvy

Fat women like to justify their lard filled asses by saying that they are curvy or voluptuous as opposed to fat. This is a brazen fucking lie. Fat feminazi whores believe that they are equal in hawtness to Bettie Page or Sophia Loren, because of their tit sizes. This is not true, as curvy women are actually attractive. Any fatass who does this is only lying to herself and deserves to burn in a fire. It just confuses people to the point where women are offended by men who call them "curvy" because of the fat fucks using the term to describe themselves, when men are actually giving them a compliment.

A similar incident happened on the hit TV show I Love New York, but no one really gave a shit, because she is an ugly black person who looks like a goddamn plastic Muppet. The results of said offensive comment were somewhat lulzy.

Healthy

A word that is being ruined by fat woman much as "curvy" was. Something so obvious shouldn't have to be spelled out, but here goes: a five foot tall woman who weighs 100 pounds is "healthy". A five foot tall woman who weighs 200 pounds is a beluga.

BBW

BBW stands for "Big Beautiful Woman" (moar like "Bring Burgers With", amirite?) Other more appropriate translations for this acronym are "Bulbous Beastly Whore", "Bloated Beached Whale", "Blubbery burger whore", "Big Bulky Wench" or "Big Bulging Waistline". Fat women think they can get away with calling themselves "beautiful" if they qualify it with "big". This is not true. BBWs are also eatbeasts, who happen to have seven chins coated in pickle juice. BBW is also the term preferred by so-called FAs, or fat admirers. The act of trying to locate these Moby Dick's is known as Hoggin. Extremely fat women (like "Stuck-in-the-bathtub" fat)call themselves "Super Sized Big Beautiful Women". From an actual FA, SSBBW is technically a term given to a lady who is over three hundred and fifty pounds in weight, or 159.1 kilograms for those of us `cross the pond.

Dumbest vid on chubby chasing- this redneck hates gays but loves fat wtf?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0NVxP0bWqg

Rubenesque

Often found in personal ads or used by fatties attempting to "take pride" in their fatness. Peter Paul Rubens was a 16/17th century painter. Many of his paintings show women with fat rolls, exaggerated ass cleavage and cellulite ripples. To be fair, the original painter used oil-based paints, so they are quite blurry, thus hiding the cellulite for the most part.

Bear

This is what fat hairy men like to be called, if they are gay and most likely closet fur-fags. The whole Bear scene reeks of rotten ass. While at one point hailed as an alternative to gay body fascism, it's now just another money-making label for homo. Being fat doesn't give immunity to AIDS, but it does ward off non-BBW's. Hence, gay.

Big-Boned

This euphemism is used by both sexes to make the fact that they are such colossal lardasses seem like a natural phenomenon, and completely beyond their control, by insinuating that they have very large bones. It is most often used in defense of ones monolithic proportions, but unfortunately for those that use this euphemism nobody buys this bullshit. (PROTIP: Offer to pay for an all you can eat buffet for them if they can prove they are big-boned by going to a doctor for an X-ray.)

Whale

A Whale is a derogatory term for a fat girl or woman. See also Fat whore. Whales are generally considered good at giving blow jobs. They have to, or else they would never get any cock. They also swallow since they are always hungry. Sex with whales is usually known as whale hunting. A common sub-variety of whale is the Welfare whale.

Real Beauty

A self contradictory euphemism that in theory can be used by any ugly but entitled-feeling woman to describe herself. It is mainly used, however, by overweight women who have convinced themselves that the media is to blame for other people's disgust with their rippling blubber. Such women will often evoke the squat and chimp-like America Ferrera as a typical real beauty.

Stocky

A term used mostly by male fatasses. The leading theory behind this is that the term stocky refers to the large stock of food items, mostly twinkies, stored by fat people. Fat people will store food anywhere so that they never have to go without food because that would be SUCH a travesty. No but srsly, they will hide food in: Fat rolls(their own or other fatties'), their anus and/or vagina, carved out books, glove boxes, toilet tanks, under tables, etc.

It's Genetic

This euphemism isn't so much a euphemism as it is a flabby finger pointing at God, blaming It for their tremendous girth. Though it wouldn't be past God to make lulz by making a person's own genetic make up make them fat, this is usually not the case. Everyone knows that fat can be controlled, and this is another lazy excuse for the fatty in question to continue gorging itself on twinkies and ho-hos without feeling guilty. After all, IT'S GENETIC!

Appropriate Names for the Fat

 
A rite of passage: every fat person has been called the name Jabba at one point in their life.
 
Fat fuck getting what he deserves.

These names are totally appropriate and are considered the correct way to address persons in the fat community. These should constantly be used in conversations with these people.

These include, but aren't limited to:

  • Thunderthighs
  • Tons O' Fun
  • Fatboy
  • Hog
  • Piggy
  • Fatfuck
  • Tubby, tubs
  • Aunt Jemima
  • Buffet killer
  • Rotundo the Immense
  • Fat Cunt
  • Tuba Luba
  • Aisle Blocker
  • Juggalo
  • Klondikebar
  • Blubbernaut
  • Chub Scout
  • Snorlax
  • Butterball
  • Fatty Fatty Boombalatty

Chubby Chaser

 
How chubby-chasers practice

A chubby chaser is someone who loves "chubby" girls only. You have to wonder how much chasing is actually involved here. It's fact that fat people don't move that much besides getting lowered into their electric cart at Wal-Mart. Many Chubby Chasers choose to live in blissful denial that there is anything '"perverse" or indeed "unnatural" about the desire to copulate with giant wobbling grease-coated fatsacks. <video type="youtube" id="TNaddkLij3g" height="200" width="200" position="left" frame="false" />In fact, some have even been known to be seen in public with their hyperfleshed darlings. However, in 2004, sexpert Yosuf Sindinchilchrun of the University of Newcastle, U.K. carried out extensive studies and identified Chubby Chasing as "worse than being ghey, since even gheys don't feel the need to bring fat people home to meet their suicidally ashamed parents."

These sick fucks can be easily distinguished from normal people by asking them one simple question: Have they ever had any sort of relationship with a non-gargantuan member of the opposite sex? Banging one fatty does not a chubby chaser make, as (1) many of us have at some point gotten absolutely shit-faced and woken up the next morning on the high side of the bed across from an individual with whom we could never have imagined even making eye contact when sober; and (2) once in a very long while, the stars will align and produce someone who despite possessing proportions in excess of what we would typically find attractive still manages to strike us as at least serviceable, if perhaps not quite hawt. The all-important distinction is that while many guys are capable of being attracted to the occasional fatty, chubby chasers are thoroughly incapable of being attracted to an average-sized or even mildly curvy (authentic curvy not the aforementioned self-deluding curvy) woman no matter how staggeringly hot she may be to me or you. For this reason, these truly fucked-up individuals are deserving of our scorn and trollin's.

Health Problems Associated with Obesity

 
You will die alone and very soon.

Obesity is a huge health hazard. Out of all the obesity-related diseases, the top one is Eyeburn, which comes from looking at fat people naked. Since people "can't" control their weight (thanks to jobs, and jobs, that make them sit down all day and supermarkets that make unhealthy junk uber cheap), obese people must shut their eyes real tight when they are naked and near a mirror or they will become ill.

Occasionally, being fat can cause mental health problems, such as insanity (see Shay). This is the only possible explanation for why this video even exists. It can also present other brain-related problems, such as loss of coordination, as in the tragic case of the Grape Lady.

Sexual Problems

Fat people are heavily plagued by sexual dysfunction. So much so that just likes cows it can be difficult to even distinguish their sex to begin with. Making matters worse fat men turn into fat woman. Hormones in the fatty tissue of fat guys turns into estrogen shrinking their genitals and making their skin more delicate. By the time a fat guy has developed a full b cup he will be experiencing advanced PMS as his genitals have been completely enveloped by fat. Theoretically any fat chick could have once been a fat guy. Fat women loose the ability to have orgasms as their fat leaves no clean route for insertion and they continually loose arousal due to becoming horribly disgusted by their own fat.

Depression

All fat people are afflicted by depression. Being fact is depressing there for fat people are depressed.

Beetus

The final disease suffered by fatties is the dreaded Diabeetus, which prevents them from eating the sugary junk food for which they live (not that they ever needed their legs to begin with).

Secret Fatty

Sometimes abbreviated as "SIF" for "Secret Internet Fatty". A secret fatty is a person who takes photos with the camera angled from above to hide their girth from the camera. Secret fatties are heavily afflicted by the internet disease. For more information on techniques used by secret fatties, see article on fat girl angle shot. To view an example, look at missalyssum

Fat Sports

 
Handegg

There have been many fat sports such as Sumo wrestling and Bowling, but only a few of them are amusing.

  1. COMPETITIVE EATING
  2. EATING BABIES
  3. EATING Dissected-chan
  4. MOAR DOUBLE-CHIN CONTEST: for the benefit of Chin-chan
  5. FUGLIEST FAT-ANGLE SHOT COMPETITION
  6. DEEPEST FAT VAGOO CONTEST
  7. LONGEST STRETCH MARKS LEAGUE
  8. The Truffle Shuffle!!!
  9. Whaling
  10. Masturbation Race

Reactions to this Article

As with most of the content on Encyclopædia Dramatica, this page has caused quite a few angry reactions and lulzy rants from butthurt readers. And since the offended party in this case is comprised of fatasses, it makes everything just a little bit lulzier. For examples of the aforementioned whining, see this article's talk page.

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