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Bleach

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Bankai...Stephen Colbert's final form
File:Kubama.png
Kubo Tite, the man behind BleaOH FUCK WHERE DID THE BACKGROUND GO

Bleach is an anime series, with over two hundred episodes and counting, with a name that makes no sense. The only reason we have an article is that hordes of angry waps like to argue about the name and draw cartoons of the fourteen-year-old orange-haired girl with giant tits. It is the epitome of self-aggrandizing, mastubatory power-fantasy material, beating the epic Naruto due to the fact that 13 year olds would rather identify with an adolescent boy than some Awesome ninja. Bleach follows a simple but effective 'expanding fetish-focus' formula for luring in the asinine punters, to be found in an increasing amount of animu and mango. Want to make a shit ton of cash? Base the entire series around a sequence of non-fatal one-on-one fights and follow these rules:


1: THE PUPPET

Begin your shitty series with a protagonist utterly devoid of personality or interesting visual features in a comparitively interesting fantasy setting. He must be male, homophobic, NEVER brown, and between the ages of 13 and 18. Got a good idea for your guy? Fucking scrap it. Your protagonist must be a 'catch-all,' uninteresting enough to allow the average teenage dolt to place himself in his shoes. Don't let him talk too much or express insight: anything that you might deem interesting will alienate or intellectually challenge members of your solid fan base. Stock emotional responses and the blandest 'special power' ('energy blasts', for example) you can think of should ensure that gormless youths can imprint themselves onto your faceless puppet. Do not develop him and ensure his only motivation is 'protecting his friends' or 'being the strongest.' After all, who the fuck can't identify with that? Oh right, this is ED. Don't forget to make him immortal, like other animes do! Who wants to see someone die every chapter?

2: THE SUPPORTING CAST

Introduce a supporting cast of stock characters. Each one consists of ONE stock archetype OR has ONE noticable personality trait or ability. As your fan-base grows it will begin to include individuals who find it difficult to identify with your protagonist. This could even include more intellectual types who demand character depth, but it probably just involves insipid 'anti-conformists' who react against the stock fan base. They now have a moderately more advanced character to fantasize about being - your fetish net has expanded. These supporting characters cannot develop and any change must be an absolutely predictable one so as to ensure that your fans are unsatisfied but not dissapointed. However, make sure they get into relationships, so Rule 34 is canon.

3: THE TERTIARY CAST

Feel free to repeat this step as many times as you can. Every time you do this your series' longevity is increased. These next set of characters can have TWO distinct features while conforming to stock character archetypes. The comparitive depth will allow for an even greater fanbase - now you are now bound to have a character for every teenager to fantasize over. Introduce these characters as villains, give each one an emotional death scene at the hands of the protagonist/ supporting cast and then, right when the fans are suckered in, resurrect them, reverse their motivations and have them join the supporting cast. From this point on do not advance them in anything but the most predictable way.

Fucking deep.

4: THE OMG SURPRISE TWIST

Now anyone of intellectual deficiency has at least one character they can pretend to be and the vast majority will have two or three. Now it's time to develop the protagonist in a way that will give the core fans, the dolts who were suckered in from the beginning, a screaming orgasm. Note that some will be alienated, but now you have around 50 shitty characters for them to re-align with so it doesn't matter. The 'twist' isn't actually a surprise at all, just give your character an ability that revolves around the following: darkness, evil, spikes, death, the color red, the color black. Feel free to give your protagonist his first facial expression, the kids will fucking love it.

5: THE FUCKING MULLET

Get 'er done.

No joke, Bleach's shitbag of an author actually has a secret obsession to get nailed in the ass by a drunken redneck in the deep south. Specifically, by Larry the Cable Guy and Robert E. Lee at the same time. Bleach has developed a habit of making the strongest fucking characters have fucking mullets... obviously not trolling, but just for the lulz. Next thing you'll see, they'll be driving a pick-up truck with Ichigo having a wincest-pedo-threesome with his two kid sisters. Fucking great.

Congratulations, you anti-intellectual cunt, you have lowered the artistic expectations of an entire generation and have a house made out of paper-mache'd cash.

Feel free to read the rest of this article if you havn't got the gist of this yet, but I wouldn't bother if I were you. The only badass thing that happens is that Ichigo dies!

...Yeah it isn't that too interesting either, seeing how he godmods.

The Plot

The only good book in the series

...Well, there really isn't one. Rather, the "story" of Bleach is just an endless stream of fights with no point, strung together, with the enemies getting gayer looking with each successive fight to trick you into thinking the story is going somewhere. It's worth noting that less than half of the battles even feature Ichigo or his band of queers. The rest are just about stereotypical-looking retards who no one gives a shit about and who have names that are too fucking long.

The battles themselves are much like the ones in Dragonball Z except a thousand times lamer. Some random character will be running along and some other random dumbass will appear in their path for no reason. It'll then cut to a flashback showing the two of them when they were friends 9,000 years ago. Back in the present, they'll spend about twenty minutes talking on and on and on about how they're gonna kick some of dat ass before sending their swords into god mode, which transforms said swords into mile-long turds or something. For the next 7 episodes they'll wave their swords around before one of them will reveal that they're ONLY USING TWO PERCENT OF THEIR POWER!!!!!!11!!%. The other will scream at them to stop holding back and they'll continue fighting for 20 more episodes before one of them will sustain a cut to the shoulder and die, only to be shown being revived in the next episode. Somehow, despite being death gods who wield magic swords that turn into demons or some other fucking retarded thing, nobody ever manages to get hit anywhere other than the shoulder.

The First of Many, Many Arcs

Ichigo Kurosaki is a 15 year old boy who can see dead people. Meanwhile, Rukia the Soul Reaper has been dead for 150 years. The two meet when Ichigo is about to get raped by a Hollow, and Rukia tries to give him some of her powers. But as she is the rare Asian that can't do math, she divided by zero and Ichigo accidentally all Rukia's Soul Reaper powers and goes all Super Saiyan on the viewing audience. Some believe the size of his hueg sword means he's over-compensating for something. One can only wonder what.

The show sets up pretty early that Ichigo craves the cock, because he not only has Rukia sleeping in his closet every night and Orihime the walking chestcicle willing to suck his tiny azn dick (that's right even though he has orange hair he's azn), and not once does he try tapping any of dat ass.

The first of many rape scenes

Ichigo and Renji's faggotry on display; NOW IN THREE LANGUAGES!

"BFF's Forever GAIz!1!" -Chad.

Soul Society Arc

Soul Society decides to ban Rukia from IRL forever for her shameful math skillz. Ichigo, always in search of a good fight like your typical shounen hero rushes off to save her, along with all his other BFF. From this point forwards, you'll need a score to keep track of the many characters that join the cast that includes batshit captains, flaming fairies that make Chris Crocker look butch and the only known example of anonymous turning furry.

Rukia, who was the stereotypical batshit fighting chick whenever a guy peeks at her panties become a complete and total emo. We eventually learn she feels troll's remorse for killing her BFF married lover after he became an Hollow and she was almost raped. BAWWWWWWWWW, how sad for her. This is about the only thing worth remembering from that.

Eventually, we discover no one gave a shit about Ichigo or Rukia, but that this was all an elaborate ruse for Aizen's Superman's evil deed to use ZA WARUDO. Instead of getting an epic battle...Ichigo goes home after Rukia is saved. Lame.

A major element of the story.

Bount Arc

...was lame ass filler that no one gave a shit about. Not even the fans. Shocking, amirite?

...It's probably the best arc though, 'cause Kubo didn't write it.

Hueco Mundo

Aizen is almost ready to unleash ZA WARUDO, but needs Orihime's powers of the moon to do it. He creates a bunch of Hollow/Shinigami assbabies called Arrancar/Espada who live in a giant mosque named Las Noches because the author needs to up the battle count for this show. And because more characters = more story = more money. And instead of having to sit through Ichigo and company's fights, you'll get to see every captain, leuitenant and his uncle battle, too. Or rather talk for the first twenty minutes of every episode (without commericals, the show is twenty-three minutes long. Think about it)(and be horrified. UTTERLY).

Orihime becomes even moar useless throughout this arc, the only words she's able to say coherently being "KUROSAK-KUN! KUROSAKI-KUN! KUROSAK-KUN! KUROSAKI-KUN!KUROSAK-KUN! KUROSAKI-KUN!" over and over again. Even the biggest fans want to stick a gag to get her to STFU.

The only memorable character from this arc is CHARLOTTE COOLHORN, a sparkly twink tranny that will give you nightmares upon looking at his face. Awkwardly enough, he was the only funny character.

After that arc Kubo also killed off the "deep", blind, tar baby, by having him turn into a penis and then a cricket before griefing the furry captain and getting cut in half. Kubo also made the only other Golliwog person in the anime have the ability to turn into a pumpkin.

Oh yeah, the only useful thing that happened in this arc was that someone had the balls to acutally kill Ichigo. That same character apperently ate someone's hand off screen, kidnapped Orihime, and was badass all together UNTIL HE HAD TO DIE AN EMO DEATH.

Jesus crist, Japan.

The Next Arcs

Since we just finished a hugeass arc, we gonna give something else to shove down our fan's throats! And guess what that means?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TWO MORE ARCS OF THIS SHIT, AND NO ONE'S GIVING A DAMN! Yes sir, we're gonna have everything a regular manga has, but WITH FUCKING PSYCHICS, ICHIGO GETTING HIS POWERS BACK, AND MORE SHIT YOU'LL EVER NEED. And guess what again? The characters got new looks! And by new looks, I mean HAIRSTYLES. We even got rid of Orihime's hair thingies because she got emotionally scarred dispite the fact she said she would never take them off! Uyru looks twice as gay, and Ichigo doesn't look even the slightest bit difference! We also have a new lolicon, too! As well, while we're doing that, we're gonna show how the villains from the previous arc are doing in hell!

Is this gonna be fucking awesome!?

Characters

Warning!
This section needs more main characters and descriptions, bitches.

Just like every other TV show in existance, Bleach has characters. These are the main, noteworthy ones which last more than 2 episodes, but look here if you really want detailed information about them all, because there are a fuckton of them. No joking.

Behind of scenes of writing Bleach

Ichigo Kurosaki

The main character of the series who is, funnily enough, a poor excuse to make gingers appear total fucking badarse, but like a typical ginger, he has a short temper.

He starts off as a normal human but meets and fucks Rukia all night in the arse and attains "Soul reaper" abilities after she inserts her dildo into his chest. He then spends the entire series sucking at combat, finds himself at death's door multiple times, then finding some new over 9000 ability to break out a can of whoop-arse, in addition to feeling sorry for himself, having sexual fantasies about every girl he knows, abusing Kon, and repeating that cycle. Oh and he's a Hollow after through nearly dying as "training", or some shit, and it tries multiple times to take over his body.

Rukia Kuchiki

Street prostitute turned-noble who was involved with the Soul Society when she met Ichigo. As explained in the plot summary, she is the rare Asian that can't do math, she divided by zero and chigo accidentally all Rukia's Soul Reaper powers and she becomes useless after that for a good few episodes. She was involved in a conspiracy or some shit, but later finds out she was holding something in her body and the conspiracy led to her being sentenced to death for a fake crime. But she escapes death because, surprise surprise, Ichigo gets her flat-chested arse out of trouble. After a confrontation with the bad guys, the thing being stored in her body is retrieved without harm done to her, simply by reaching into her chest, therefore negating the need for the whole conspiracy and they fuck off with some Hollow Overlords for a while.

Uryū Ishida

A four-eyed wanker who is an expert at handicrafts and makes dresses. he is the last Quincy alive, a race of humans who can manipulate Spirit energy around them and craft bows out of thin air to destroy shit and be fucking badarse. But in a stark contrast to Quincies, he's a total fucking faggot. He loses his powers to defeat a blackfaced Captain and becomes totally useless. But then gets them back through a MASSIVE PLOT TWIST!!!!! He's also the mega ultra super genius, more so than Chad, because he can solve simple puzzles that the other idiots can't solve.

Yasutora Sado

A Mexican dude, loving named "Chad" to appeal to 13 year old boys who can't pronounce his real name. Somehow a mega ultra super genius aswell as being a meathead, something which you can never hope to achieve. He gains super powers while taking on a Hollow which gives him super strength and durability.

Orihime Inoue

The ginger tits of the anime who had an incestuous relationship with her dead brother. She is the sole focus of every weeaboo's sick sexual fantasies and the reason for the Leekspin forced meme. She can't fight for shit and gains super powers to fight a Hollow, but apart from that one time she killed something, she heals people for dominations

Oh and remember that she is supposed to be 15 years old, you sick fuck.

Kisuke Urahara

"Mr. Hat-and-clogs" was in the Soul Society, but he fucked off and a Blackface took over his post, the same blackface that killed Uryu's grandfather. He fucks Ichigo in the arse and is the root cause of Ichigo turning into a Hollow, and Rukia being almost completely human and never recovering her powers after losing them. You wanna know more? Look it up. He lives with Tessai and their adoptive children, Ururu and Jinta.

Tessai Tsukabishi

Lives with Hat-and-Clogs, obviously doesn't wear the trousers. Also looks like a blacksmith.

Ururu Tsumugiya

Sports a permanent asking for it face, especially to raging pedophiles, but she's been taught karate as the ultimate cock block and can whoop Ichigo's arse with ease. She is the one who uses the Rocket Launcher covered in bandages.

Jinta Hanakari

So ginger, his hair is literally red. Rapes Ururu constantly and is an annoying faggot.

Yoruichi Shihōin

Another pair of tits for all basement dwelling Otakus to fap to, she is half cast purple haired girl who turns into a male cat when she isn't fucking Ichigo senseless in her basement the size of a football field. She fucked off from the Soul Society for some reason, which pissed off her lesbian lover Suì-Fēng to some degree.


Kon

A Mod Soul, or "Test tube baby", which has the ability of increased leg strength when in a human body, but most of the time posesses a lion toy and frequently abused for being a fucking annoying pervert. Changed into multiple things by Uryu.

Isshin Kurosaki

Token pervert. Frequently abuses his son and lusts after his daughters.

Yuzu Kurosaki

Dumb loli who gets nearly raped multiple times.

Karin Kurosaki

Can see spiritual things, also almost raped.

Other Important Details

Bankai is also code for fucking your sister.
  • Bankai: the Bleach equivalent of Super Saiyan. This is the final solution to end all battles and 'pwn' your opponents, whenever anyone on this show shuts up long enough to actually fight. One notable bankai is that of Rukia's gay fairy brother Byakuya. Again, it shoots PETALS. Pink fucking petals.
  • Hollows: Big ass monsters out to kill everyone and rape them with their tentacles, in that order. They will tell their victims "I EET YOU!!!"
An arrancar's release, or "resurrección"

moar liek resurerection.

  • Arrancar: Hollow/Soul Reaper assbabies. All the women have gigantic breasts that make Orihime look as flat as Rukia in comparision and the men are either flaming gay or old bastards.
  • No one dies on this show: Seriously. Unless you are a bad guy or Ichigo's mom, you'll be beaten to an inch of your life and be AWWRIGHT by the next episode.
  • Only one guy had the balls to fuck everything up. Of course, he was an emo, so it didn't count.

See also: Soap Opera

Online Drama

Niggers? In MY Hueco Mundo?.
   
“ 		 
ATTENTION ICHIRUKI FANS!!!!! (If you aren't in Bleach or aren't IchiRuki, you can ignore this.)

Take all_for_bleach and kurosaki_clinic off your friends lists and unjoin them! They are enemies of IchiRuki and free speech, and they hate you and your pairing!

Don't let yourselves be second-class citizens of fandom anymore! STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS!
 

„
  		 

—ichirukiavenger

Like any big fandom, there are plenty of batshit shippers ready to defend their pairing's honor at a moment's notice. The biggest rivarly (LOLWUT) is that between Ichigo/Rukia and Ichigo/Orihime fans; however, both camps fail to realize that Ichigo is more interested in playing swords than he is in porking his sword into either one of them.

Wank Triggers

File:Yama.jpg
Don't mess.
  • Asking if sex with Komamura counts as bestiality.
  • Asking what happens if a soul reaper/shinigami(already dead)dies.
  • Asking how the souls age.
  • Asking how many times Ulquiorra cuts himself a day.
  • Asking why every character ends up growing a mullet at some point.
  • Informing fans that Ichigo is a nazi since he carries a sword with a swastika on it.
  • Inform fans that deny Ichigo is a Nazi by pointing out that Tite Kubo loves using Spanish in bleach. Where did alot of Nazis run off to after WWII? South America. What is the primary language in South America? Spanish. The parallels go on and on.
  • Informing fans that Ichigo nailing Rukia is in fact necrophilia.
  • Informing fans that it doesn't matter if Ichigo dies, because he will just come back as a soul reaper.
  • Informing fans that the Arrancar are not Japanese in anyway.
  • Informing fans that Ichigo turning Hollow is not a declaration of love for Orihime.
  • Informing fans that Tousen is actually Ray Charles.
  • Informing fans that Tony Stark and Coyote Starrk are secretly the same person between different shots of Tequila.
  • Saying anything bad about debbiechan and her comm bleachness (the Bleach Anon meme has many examples of this)
  • Arguing over whether secks with Yachiru counts as baby fucking (and if it's indeed AWWWRIGHT!)
  • Saying Naruto or One Piece is better than Bleach.
  • Compare Gin Ichimaru to Hazama and say Hazama "is just Gin with dyed hair". Hopefully it'll work, if not, post picture. For BlazBlue fans, switch 'em around.
  • ????
  • Profit!

Know their threads to troll

Anti-Rukia club: Jam-packed with the most batshit fangirls this side of Harry/Hermione. Their reason to hate Rukia boil down to her being moar manly than Ichigo, and thus totally able to top him in a round of hot yaoi sex. Notice how everyone is raping her in the thread banner.Link to the last one with more lulzy comments

Anti Orihime Club: Run by dykes whose chests are even flatter than Rukia's (like that's even possible, amirite? Some hate Orihime because "she's plotting against Rukia and Ichigo. She's too ditzy to be real though, it's probablly a cover up for her real intentions!" (Actual quote, and right on the front page! You can't make this whackaloon bullshit up!)

The Gay Factor

If any anime can give Naruto a run for it's money in the faggotry department, it's this show. You often don't have to shoop pictures to show how most of the characters would rather suck off cocks than eat pussy (except Chizuru).

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Gallery

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Ratings

  1. Action: 0 for ripping off Dragon Ball Z, and the fact that Ichigo has no fucking clue when to STFU and fight already. He and every other character on the show will go on and on and on and on about shit no one asked about instead of just kicking ass and being done with it.
  2. Lulz: 0 Due to ultra-gayness.
  3. Furry Level: 10/10 for former Anon Komamura and Grimmjaw turning furry.
  4. Gay Level: OVER 9000! At least 100 of those points are due to Renji's sexual confusion, but other factors include but are not limited to: Shuuhei's gay 69 tattoo, Ichigo's large sword covering up for his small Azn penis, Chizuru the dyke, Byakuya's sword producing FUCKING PANSIES for bankai, everyone having an emo past, and Ichigo having Rukia living in his closet and not once does his think about tapping that ass. AND CHARLOTTE COOLHORN. Not even Matsumoto and Orihime's giant tits can counteract the epic levels of gay in this show.
  5. Merchandising: ONE MILLION. The show has about 42 shitty opening and ending songs and each character has over 9,000 images songs (9,000 times 9,000...you do the math).They all sound pretty much like every other Japanese-y J-Pop song ever, not to mention three movies that continue where the filler arcs leave off to assrape the manga even moar.

In Conclusion

The butthurt response

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See Also

External Links


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