Hockey

Hockey, or Thugs On Ice is a recognized, contact sport played on a rock hard sheet of ice while using shoes with blades strapped on the bottom to glide at high speeds. The game is much like Capture The Flag, in that each team takes turns trying to run the "flag" (in hockey's case, a thick, hard disc made of vulcanized rubber) into the opposing team's zone, (in this case "the net"), without losing consciousness or teeth.

Though the National Hockey League (NHL) is played in both Canada and America, every player is either Canadian, Swedish, or from some north/eastern European country (even the black one). It should be noted that there are as many Norwegian players in the League as there are girls on the internet. This is possibly due to the fact that Norwegians are more concerned with burning down churches or shooting up young leftards for teh lulz. Hockey is also Canada's national pastime, (and -as such- is the leading cause of Canadians being called "Hockey Pucks").

Meanwhile, in America (except for the Northeastern and Northern Midwest states), hockey is the official sport of shit nobody cares about. This was demonstrated to effectively during the strike-canceled season of a year nobody can remember when nobody noticed that nobody was playing or reporting about hockey. This season will likely be a repeat, as Gary Bettman is a Jew.

In actuality

Hockey players are noted yaoi fetishists.

Hockey isn't a sport, it's a combination of three activities. The first being ice skating, second being golf and third being a fist fight (unless you are Cindy Crosby, then it is a punch to the taint). Players skate while using a golf club-like device (called a stick) to control the motion of the puck into the opposing team's goal, or a spectator's teeth.

The rules of Hockey

Referees wear striped shirts and jump really high. Try ~~not~~ to beat them while in a fight.
Don't fake an injury/tripping too often, you'll be called a faggot.
After each call a face-off will be had at any 9 locations on the "rink".
Goalies should be rammed into head-first at any given opportunity. If you knock them into the "cage", extra points are awarded to your team. If you hit Cryan Miller, he will call you a gutless bag of shit postgame. Ram him again.
Most games end in something called "Sudden Death", where the score continues, and will end, 0-0.
Helmets are to be worn at all times, should you get a razor-sharp skate to the head it will cushion the blow.

The game itself has 3 periods, each lasting a regulated twenty minutes. Should a stalemate be reached, Overtime will commence. Should a stalemate continue, a shootout will take place.

Power Plays occur when a team has more players than the opposition, either due to a Jew or not having a goalie, often seen in Sudden Death.

The Teams

Each city is just as big on their own team, like any other sport. However, some teams are quite important:

San Jose Sharks - Noted for being a pretty good team during the regular season, only to choke on their own shit during the playoffs, like they did in 2010 and 2011.
Pittsburgh Penguins - Cindy Crosby the Stagediver provides a reason to hate them. Other famous players include Evgeni Malkin, Mario Lemieux, and Jaromir Jagr, who is currently playing for the Bruins.
Toronto Maple Leafs - They're the team who hasn't won a Stanley Cup in the longest time. Their last one was in 1967. ~~Thus they are the biggest failures in the sport.~~ There are 11 teams who have never won a Stanley at all. After many years, they finally made it to the playoffs in 2013, where they took the Boston Bruins to Game 7 where they were leading 4-1. That is, until the Broons scored three goals in the last 9 minutes of the third period, tying the game and scoring in overtime to win. (No srsly)
Tampa Bay Lightning - Their GM Steve Yzerman is notorious for having a penchant for eating babies. They also raised the bar for trying too hard by installing Tesla coils in their arena.
Columbus Blue Jackets - Worst team in the NHL 2 years in a row. Bigger failures than Toronto, at least the Leafs make the playoffs. Also just traded their only All-Star, Rick Nash, to the New York Rangers. Also, their city was supposed to host a Winter Classic, but couldn't due to the 2012-2013 lockout.
Vancouver Canucks - Similar to the Toronto, except that they haven't won a Stanley Cup AT ALL. Their fans riot whenever they lose a Stanley Cup Final. They did it in '94 too.