Magic

This article needs a serious clean up

Wizards of the Coast does not endorse racism in any way, shape or form.

A briefly popular card game that consists entirely of trying to get as many elves into play as possible so that you can "summon" your Beta edition 'Force of Nature' card, in order to justify the $200 you spent on a piece of cardboard.

All basement dwellers own Magic cards, even if they do not play it anymore. All basement dwellers have played Magic religiously at some point during their life.

Variations

There are, in fact, many variations on Magic based on what color of cardboard you decided to waste your money on the most.

Green - Elves provide manna to fuel rampaging fungi, furries and all sorts of retarded shit. Only needs one 'Forest' and a handful of elves, but requires between twenty to thirty of the same $200 card that has over 9000 trampling hit points making it impossible for you to do anything but get raped by it. PROTIP: The only faggots who run green are one's who actually wanna win.
Red - Discard 'Rukh Egg', get a free 3/3 Flying creature. Color is usually forgotten about by good players and played mostly by newfags and nigras because the entire deck costs at least 100 dollars. Can sometimes manage to win because everyone forgets that red is still a part of the game.
- Burn - Forty card deck. Twelve mountains, and 4 copies of seven identical cards with different names, all which deal 3 damage for one mountain as an instant. Please note: This is the equivalent to hacking in Magic, and noone will ever play with you again.
White - This color is usually played by white supremacists who, when not spending their money on crack, heroin, and bibles, buy cheap flimsy cardboards to use as rolling papers. Being racists, they always buy white Magic cards. This is how Wizards of the Coast, inc. makes 85% of their money. The other 15% comes from pimping teenagers. Like their supreme overlord, this color is all about justice, and order. Real gamers don't give a shit about white because all it can do is play over 9000 retarded knights with 1 power, which then proceed to get fucked up by every fucking card ever printed. Also played by trolls because of the amount of cards for white that let you nuke the field.
Blue - This color is the basis of annoying "Control" decks which are inevitably found in the hands of some nerd who will invoke some rule of the game you didn't know existed in order to counter your every action. Any tourneyfag will tell you blue is the hardest color to play and has the most strategic depth. Some examples from Magic's history:
- Buehler Blue (1997): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER STALKING STONES WIN
- Go-Mar (2001): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER DRAGON WIN
- Psychatog (2002-2003): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER UPHEAVAL WIN
- Dralnu du Louvre (2007): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER TEFERI WIN
- UB Control (2010-2011): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER I ACCIDENTALLY GRAVE TITAN WIN
- CawBlade (2010-2011): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER SQUADRON HAWK WIN
- UW Delver (2011-2012): COUNTER COUNTER SNAP-COUNTER COUNTER SNAP-COUNTER COUNTER SNAP-COUNTER GEIST OF SAINT TRAFT WIN

This is the equivalent of trolling in the game, because every Magic player will have a point in time where they need to call the Waaaambulance over this color. This usually lasts until they learn how to play it and can buy $100 fucking cardboard (srsly). If you see someone playing a control deck, the following strategy is considered acceptable: 1) Slowly reach upward 2) Grab your opponent firmly by the throat 3) Squeeze 4) ???? 5) Profit.

Black - Twenty swamps, and forty 'Plague Rats'. This color is the cheapest to win with because people will just sell these cards for twenty cents each in order to fund their own Red or Green deck. In true nigger fashion, black hates creatures of every other color (especially white), so mentioned green decks that rely on $200 pieces of cardboard get pawned by a 25-cent Murder. Popular color with goths, emos, and nigras.
Gray - Artifacts; use 'Urza's Mine/Power Plant/Tower', 'Candelabra of Tawnos' and 'Rocket Launcher'. The 'Candelabra' will set you back around $500, with 'Rocket Launcher' being $60 each (bring extra). Prior to the Mirrodin block, artifacts were known as brown magic. Also played by Eldrazi decks that spend $700 to nuke the opponent's field every turn for the lulz.
Gold - aka "combo" cards. These require multiple colors and are therefore a complete waste of money. Only for the hardcore Magic player. Some of the newer sets, i.e. Ravnica, Alara Reborn, feature lots of multicolor cards.
Sliver deck - at the start of 3rd turn when playing on a wooden table you may shout "sliver deck" and Proceed to smash your opponent's face into the table, it should be noted that this rule is banned in Quebec.

Magic Online

Magic Online is where basement dwelling Magic players can further their social separation. Players find other hairy-backed souls on the internets via an AOL-like client. Instead of paying real money for worthless cardboard, they can pay real money for virtual cards, all with the added benefit of never having to leave home and deal with that nasty thing called sunlight, or the dilemma of actually associating with other nerds.

Once logged in to MTGO you will come across pathetic wastes of life called ORC's (online response crew) The first qualification you must meet to become an ORC is that you had to be picked on in high school. The second qualification is that you have to be a fucking retarded 1st amendment hating pile of shit who wants to get back at the world by telling people not to swear or use vulgarity. You will also come across other members who try to impress the ORC's by making stupid comments like, "Will you get a raise if I e-mail something good to your boss".

An alternative to Magic Online is the less popular, free, Apprentice, which when having problems with the solution is always to:

Uninstall Apprentice
Install Magic Workstation

Which ruins the only reason to use Apprentice instead of Magic Online. It was long ago believed Magic Workstation actually costs money, but like all good things on the internet you can simply crack it, or just not pay for it because the program will still work after the 30 day trial, thus only noobs actually pay for it.

Linguistic History

Magic has been around since it was invented. The English terms 'magic', 'magically', and 'magical' all derive from this card game - whose title was a simplification of "magick". The terms have lost their explicit connection with the game and now simply convey a notion of unusualness, or inexplicability. Notions which are, understandably, still extended to the people who play this severely old meme.

The Best Card in the Game

The best card in the game is 'Black Lotus' and it costs more than all the cardboard in the world.

Recently, the Black Lotus has been given some competition with the addition of new special edition cards such as the Seung Stainless .38 Artifact card. It has been considered the 1337OMGWTFAZNPWN!!!!11121 card in all NCAA sanctioned Magic tournaments.

Ways to Win

We at ED recognize that feeding the Jews over at Wizards should not get in the way of the lulz. That's why we offer an expert solution to your money issue. After all, prostitutes aren't cheap, but paper is!

Find a picture of the card you want
Print it
Cut it out
????
Pr- Save moniez

Method 1:

Turn 1: Mountain
Turn 2: Izzet Boilerworks
Turn 3: Mountain, Repercussion
Turn 4: Shivan Meteor (suspend), Izzet Boilerworks
Turn 5: Mountain, Stuffy Doll (chose yourself)
Turn 6: Target Stuffy Doll with the Meteor. You win

Many experts agree that this is the only way to guarantee victory in this shitty game, by committing an hero.

Method 2:

Turn 1: Forest, Glistener Elf
Turn 2: Stomping Grounds, Messenger's Speed, Glistener Elf
Turn 3: Forest, Messenger's Speed, Glistener Elf
Turn 4: Forest, attack with the elves, Giant Growth x4

According to the official rulings from Wizards of the Coast, victory with this method is not complete without standing over your opponent's battlefield, scattering his field with your nutsack (or as it's referred to in the Magic community as a Mulligan), then taking a nice steaming shit all over his deck.

Method 3:

Turn 1: Forest, Fastbond, Cloudpost x3, Panoptic Mirror (tap for Wrath of God)
Turn 2: Forest, Living Plane

Delete fucking everything

Trolling

Magic Fags have their own forums, which they take much pride in the sanctity of. The greatest of which is http://mtgsalvation.com/, and then there are official company forums from WOTC http://forums.gleemax.com/forumdisplay.php?f=131 for magic in general, and http://forums.gleemax.com/forumdisplay.php?f=142 for Magic online.

In general, the best ways to troll Magic fags are to find some piece of shit card and complain about how it's too powerful andraeps too much, making a shitty deck and claim it's the greatest thing ever, and talk about how much better Yugioh is. MTG Salvation is home to many wannabe pros, and reacts particularly lulzily to threads about how tournaments are boring or how only expensive decks can win.

For more specialized and delicious trolling, there is MTGO trolling and rumor trolling.

Rumor trolling takes much effort, and is creating fake cards and convincing people that they will be in the next set of cards. The place to do this is right here: http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/forumdisplay.php?f=27 . The general rule is you get one point for each person who believes your fake card is real, two points for each thread for strategies based around it, and 1,000 points if it gets added to the "official spoiler" page.

For MTGO, on the forums what you do is either claim that it's perfect and the best thing evar, or that it's the worst thing evar. Either way, much butthurt ranting and flamewars will ensue. (Extra points if you get a WOTC employee embroiled in the shitstorm.) The number one way to troll is to create an account on MTGO and play in Team Multiplayer matches. What you do is, create a shitty deck, then join random team matches, most commonly Two-Headed Giant, and then proceed to suck, ruining any chance your partner had of winning. Ways to make it even bettar are being extremely drunk, talking shit, english as a 4th language, and pretending to be a n00b. When pretending to be a n00b, you can have the unique opportunity for someone to take pity on you and try to make you suck less. In this case, you should act as retarded as possible without making them give up hope completely.

You can also troll by commenting on the prices of silly cardboard, as any thread related to this topic is met with serious business and flame war coming from either side, both from the nigras who can't afford to skip their mortgage for a 60 card deck like any normal human being, and the Jews and azns who feel it is their god given right to own cardboard worth more than the car they drive and would rage eternally if they were ever reprinted. These fags even went so far to force Wizards to make it a company policy not to reprint certain cards. I assure you we're not making this shit up. In the end, the cost of your deck is equivalent to your penis size and Wizards has agreed with this statement.