Matt Crimmins

This article is entirely factual. Fact Cat knows this because of his learnings.

	“	threads like this make me proud to be a mechanic of the internet hate machine	„
	—WhiteMystery

According to Matt he is a "model"

Matt Crimmins aka MattGRAVE aka Corblo II aka Matticus666 aka Matt Ballinger (irl) is an 19-year-old McDonald's fry cook, goth fucktard, and aspiring baby-daddy of 17-year-old-girl FROSTBRAT aka FROSTBITE |A/p|. What you are about to read is a textbook example about what happens to conceited /b/-tards when they try to run shit on ED when they don't have a clue about what it's all about. He also likes to throw people's shirts on top of roofs for lulz.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

It was a slow day on Encyclopedia Dramatica's new ED Users mailing list, which is known as WhiteMystery's "less frightening and confusing IRC Chatroom". However it can never be predicted when the next lolcow will come along.

It all started with a fairly innocuous request for some wiki technical help from someone of no importance, which was promptly and helpfully answered. Then for seemingly no reason Matt Crimmins aka Matt Ballinger chimed in with the delightfully composed:

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• Clearly this is a case of a man who mistakenly believes that he is anonymous, when that was not the case.

The Lulz Begin

	“	Matt: Do us a favor and go impale yourself on a mascara brush. * http://www.myspace.com/matt_is_jesus	„
	—Aghar

Matt's new loli Sarah, purely there to disprove Matt's homosexuality.

With great haste, the datamining began by a number of EDiots, various MySpace's [1][2][3] [4], Deviantart's [5][6] and vampirefreak [7] profiles were uncovered.LOOK AT HIS Xbox 360 gamertag. Nice Harry Potter game... faggot.

What can be gathered is that Matt:

• Has a new girlfriend who will soon likely disover Matt's true paedophiliac nature.
• Is a 20 year old Emo / Goth Vampire from 47 Diamond Ave, Glenwood, Sydney, NSW 2768, Australia.
• Can be contacted at +61 433 369 480 (0433 369 480) or +61 405 089 857 (0405 089 857)
• Works in McDonald's
• Has a band "Outside Your Box that according to Matt
  sounds like "the makings of child pornography.". Has a new band called "Void My Mind".
• Thinks his hair straighteners make him "look sexy".
• Pretends to run a shitty nu-metal nightclub called Midnight Asylum.
• Is a pedophile: who "Likes" - "Pussy, tight and young and shaven.".
• Dislikes attention whores, despite his 33 cell-phone self-portraits on MySpace.
• Likes to write suicide notes on Deviantart but it "is not an attention seeking thing".
• Describes himself here as "true freak from Sydney, Australia repping up the industrial scene with my crew of misfits in the Western Suburbs District. I frequent Club Blink in the city and various gigs and dives. Knocking back drinks with my mates is definitely a pastime of mine. Im always up for fun =] Im like a fucking Transformer, More then meets the eye. =]"
• Is a racist who "Dislikes : Anyone who isn't from our culture".
• From the comments on his numerous profiles, Matt is very probably cheating on his girlfriend.
  Srsly Claire it looks like he cybers with many other sluts.
• Holy shit they let these people breed.
• Cannot speak HTML
• Thinks having a girlfriend proves he's not gay.
• Needs his ED user page vandalized
• Is very quickly raping his own internet profiles of the lulz. too late screen-grabbed / saved.
• Has confirmed his FAGGOTRY by saying this about his girlfriend: "She seems to be me, placed in a womans [sic] body. Odd. But it works."
• Likes throwing shirts on roofs.

Let's Make Babies

Claire's DavianTART page is completely devoid of artwork. In fact, it would be completely worthless if not for her journal entries, where we get to watch a stupid teenage girl drop out of school and get pregnant in just a few short paragraphs.

“	One day I'll be out of home, and not at school. I'll have a job, and Matt wont be mad at me... And we'll have a little boo and have out happily ever after...	„
—Claire, making plans for the future

“	We will have our happy ending... Fate will always fuck with us... And we will always keep on pushing on... All that matters is me and you.. Boo will come...i know it... I love you.	„
—Matt, knows that their hearts will go on

13 days pass...

“	I eat. I sleep. And I have no real plans for my life. Every journal blog entry I make up ends up sounding emo. Mainly because I can express my happiness openly, but it's not exactly easy to let out your sad feelings without being called emo. Not to mention I hardly ever feel happy anyway--there's just nothing out there to make me constantly smile. I'm bad luck.	„
—Claire, giving up all hope for the future

“	Your not bad luck baby, and Boo is inside you spreading my good luck. He shares my gifts with you hunny...I love you. Matt.	„
—Matt, gonna be a daddy

Reaction to this Article

	“	Thanks guys, really..... nice work. My only defense was the amount of vodka that was running through my system last night when i wrote the "<oi>" remark...	„
	—Matt Crimmins

	“	I don't mind the article at all. I know id do the same thing to anyone being a dick.	„
	—Matt Crimmins

External Links

actually ... we do know

• Matt on MySpace as "Matt is Jesus"
• Matt on bebo
• Matt on VampireFreaks
• Matts Deviantart
• Matt's Band Project: 616
• Another of Matt's "Bands" - sounds like "the makings of child pornography." apparently.

• Matt's girlfriend Claire .. pussy assumed to be young, shaved and tight.
• Frostbite on bebo ... more kissy-kissy shit
• Matt's Baby-Mommy's Deviantart

Gallery of an emo vampire

Gallery of Fail About missing Pics

• 
  Matt the camwhore
• 
  in need of deodorant
• 
  proudly shows off his facial hair to get some internet pussy
• 
  emo metal rocks
• 
  Doesn't seem very nice
• 
  Matt tries to get some anal action
• 
  Matt leaves himself wide open
• 
  Matt the "model"

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

• 
  Matt tries to be angelic
• 
  Matt's suicide note ( not for attention )
• 
  emo teen love poem
• 
  Matt is sad when Claire cuts herself.
• 
  sometimes boys use fat girl angle shots
• 
  thinks he is a rockstar
• 
  Matt wearing black again
• 
  Black again LoL
• 
  Matt's camwhore girlfriend cannot use lipstick properly
• 
  Goth Bear - now with color! Still looks like shit
• 
  Matt likes fucking Christians who glow. He's also a closet Jesus-freak.
• 
  gay desktop
• 
  pedophile Matt Crimmins
• 
  Matt's baby momma wants to "be a cartoonist and make comics"
• 
  professional rendition of Matt & Claire's baby

I WILL NOT KILL MY CLASSMATES...	Matt Crimmins is part of a series on GOTH [Grow up and quit whiningEmbrace your inner darkness]	I WILL NOT KILL MY CLASSMATES...
Perverts Don Henrie ♦ Jerry from Doomsday Refreshment Committee ♦ Jonathon The Inhaler ♦ Lustifera ♦ Michelle Belanger ♦ Ryle Garamonde Pussies Brittany Holechko ♦ Dimmuborgiress ♦ Ickeriss69 ♦ KurtBatz ♦ Larathen ♦ Matt Crimmins ♦ MissHannahMinx ♦ MsUmlaut ♦ Neil Gaiman ♦ Nickolaus ♦ Paulie Calafiore ♦ Sinn ♦ Sophie Lancaster ♦ Succubbus ♦ Trent Reznor Psychos Gothzilla ♦ House Kheperu ♦ Jeff Weise ♦ Jasmine Richardson ♦ Kimveer Gill ♦ Lindsay Kantha Souvannarath ♦ MemoryandDream ♦ Pink Spider ♦ Sephirothslave ♦ Sebastian Bosse ♦ Todd Hoyt Posers Dani Filth ♦ Ex-Raye ♦ Fesazukichan ♦ Jack Spicer ♦ Jet ♦ TheeReaper ♦ PaganDeathKnight ♦ TooDamnFilthy ♦ Voodoo devil doll ♦ You ♦ Zeriara Places Basements ♦ Columbine ♦ DeadJournal ♦ Goth macros ♦ Hot Topic ♦ Richland Collegiate High School ♦ Vampire Community Message Board ♦ Vampire Freaks ♦ Vampire Posers ♦ Vampire Shitty Pastimes Aiding the Dark Lord in Battle ♦ Angst ♦ Being Edgy ♦ Cutting ♦ Drugs ♦ Guro ♦ Homosexuality ♦ Neil Gaiman's Sandman ♦ Necrophilia ♦ Not having friends ♦ Murder ♦ My Immortal ♦ Poetry ♦ Ruining the Internet ♦ School Shooting ♦ Suicide ♦ The Nightmare Before Christmas ♦ Vampirism ♦ Where The Dead Go To Die ♦ Ruby Gloom Noise Anal Cunt ♦ The Cure ♦ Doomsday Refreshment Committee ♦ Dr. Steel ♦ Dream Theater ♦ Emilie Autumn ♦ Gothic Rock ♦ Joy Division ♦ Misfits ♦ New Romantic ♦ NIN ♦ The Sisters of Mercy ♦ Siouxsie and The Banshees ♦ Slipknot ♦ Tool

Matt Crimmins is part of a series on Ausfailia [CollapseExpand]

People Aboriginals ♦ Adolf Hitler ♦ AlanaJonze ♦ Andrew Quah ♦ Annalise Walliker ♦ Anton ♦ Ashley Towns ♦ Aush0k ♦ Austral-Azn ♦ Bill Spider ♦ MichaelDragon800 ♦ Blissyu2 ♦ Blunty3000 ♦ Bogans ♦ Boochan ♦ Booster4444 ♦ Brenton Tarrant ♦ Carly Ryan ♦ Catherine Deveny ♦ Cbee ♦ Charmaine Dragun ♦ Chin-chan ♦ Clare Werbeloff ♦ Cocaine Babe ♦ Corey Worthington ♦ DariusHunter ♦ Darkfalz ♦ Darkspeeds ♦ David Thorne ♦ Degen ♦ Dennis Ferguson ♦ Einsidler ♦ Emmalina ♦ Filthy Frank ♦ Garry Francis Newman ♦ Gas Mask Girl ♦ Geoffrey Leonard ♦ Gina Rinehart ♦ Graykat ♦ Heath Ledger ♦ Iain Hall ♦ Jake Bilardi ♦ James Packer ♦ Jarrad Willis ♦ Jasonafex ♦ Jodie Gater and Stephanie Gestier ♦ Joel "Inciter" Ivory ♦ Josef Fritzl ♦ Likeicare ♦ Typo-Chan ♦ Leah Costa ♦ Liz Shaw ♦ Loveinavoid ♦ Martin Bryant ♦ Matt Crimmins ♦ Mel Gibson ♦ Mickyy Moo ♦ MyNameIsLenny ♦ Neighbours ♦ Riana ♦ Rolf Harris ♦ Rove McManus ♦ Rupert Murdoch ♦ Sharee ♦ Snapesnogger ♦ Sophie Delezio ♦ Steve Hodder-Watt ♦ Steve Irwin ♦ Summoner Yuna ♦ Super Planet Dolan ♦ Suzi Olsen ♦ Tarisai Vushe ♦ Techa ♦ Teenage Kings of Werribee ♦ Thedreadedkettle ♦ TheHill88 ♦ Tim Ward ♦ Tom Wood ♦ Trap-kun ♦ Trinity Bates ♦ Yiri ♦ CommunityChannel ♦ Stylidiumlane ♦ Places Adelaide ♦ Brisbane ♦ Canberra ♦ Great Western Highway ♦ Melbourne ♦ Mill Park Tree ♦ New Zealand ♦ Perth ♦ Port Arthur ♦ Sydney ♦ Tasmania ♦ Toowoomba Politics Australian Internet Filter ♦ Australian Federal Police ♦ Australian Media ED Interview ♦ Paula Benson ♦ Book of CADNOCAT ♦ The Chaser ♦ Julia Gillard ♦ Pauline Hanson ♦ John Howard ♦ The Kate Party ♦ Liberal Party of Australia ♦ Operation Titstorm ♦ Project Freeweb ♦ Kevin Rudd ♦ National Anthem ♦ Sorry Day ♦ Dianne Thorley ♦ Nick Xenophon ♦ Tony Abbott

Featured article December 28, 2007
Preceded by 419 Nigerian Email Scams	Matt Crimmins	Succeeded by Internet Vigilante Group