Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic novel that explores the romantic relationship between a virgin named Anastasia Steele and a millionaire named Christian Grey. Despite originally a Twilight fanfiction, the series deviated from the source material by replacing the supernatural crap with kinky fuckery and evolved into its own little disgrace to literature. It gained international success and encouraged many women worldwide to appreciate a hollow plot, empty unlikeable characters, and no substance while fantasizing about being raped by a millionaire with dead mother issues. It set the record as the fastest-selling paperback of all time, surpassing the Harry Potter, and is now forced into libraries and public education so kids get in on the fun too. 99% of the book is about how Grey manipulates Ana to be his S&M bitch and how Anna gets wet whenever he loves her.

Characters

What Fifty Shades of Grey teaches little girls.

Anatasia Steele

Ana is a boring uninteresting Mary Sue who cannot locate her vagina, hence she enlists Christian Grey to find it for her. She is described as an independent and witty woman, but no actual evidence of this is provided in the book. This lack of evidence is reinforced when she practically dates a psychopath who actually warns her to keep away from him for her own safety. Despite this warning, she disregards his advice and still expects a prince who treats her with respect. She soon falls in love with Grey for his "intelligence" and "charms".

Ana also happens to be a genius of women, having mastered a blowjob on first try. Blames her 'Inner Goddess' for her whorish behavior, and says "Oh my" at least 100 times in the book. Also has a crack-whore addiction of biting her lip. Actually is a doormat who gets off to Grey's GPS skills and dominant style and can be closely compared to Bella Swan from Twilight, it is debated if Anna is more or less retarded than her Twilight counterpart.

Christian Grey

Christian Grey is a CEO pimp dude who was raped by his adoptive mother's best friend at 15, he instantly became gay after the experience. Christian then realized that he wanted his biological mother back to reassure him that he's straight, but could not because she is dead. All his employees have blonde hair, implying he has slightly fascist tendencies.

Grey then dates Ana because she's a naive cumwhore who just happens to remind him of his mother and may be pathway to regaining his heterosexuality. This does not work, and he makes her sign a contract stating he can beat her however he wants to distract him from his gay urges. Ana being the intelligent and independent woman she is, happily signs it, and he lives happily ever after.

Plot

Remove the vampires, change the names, throw in another setting, and keep the plot - no other alterations are necessary.

Erika L. James

As you may have suspected, the author of 50 Shades of Grey is an ugly woman by the name of Erika L. James.

In the days of Shakespeare, talent and literacy were needed to make a famous novel, but thanks to Erika and Meyer, the only thing needed is a set of ovaries. Her most used tools for writing the book was finding new synonyms on Microsoft Word to make up for her lack of sophisticated vocabulary and trying to make her characters sound upper class - before degrading them back to whores when she gets lazy. By using repetitive words, pretentious word usage, and writing a terrible story structure and storyline she became an overnight millionaire.

Her books are primary composed of events that would never happen in real life. If any of the books happened in real life, Ana would be in a domestic abuse victim unit and Christian Grey would be behind bars for abusing dem virgins, unless of course it was staged somewhere else. But hey, she's married with two kids - What do we know?

Videos

PROTIP: When Duke Nukem makes your book sound LESS ridiculous YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

See Also

• BDSM
• Domestic Violence
• Twilight