Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey is smut written by a Brit named E. L. James. It was originally a Twilight fanfiction called, Master of the Universe but was removed from fanfiction.net because she wanted to make money off of her poorly written erotica. E. L. James decided to share her sexual fantasies to the mainstream public by changing the names of the characters and publishing her piece of shit work. And so began the media sensation, "Fifty Shades of Grey" as every housewife within a mile radius of a store rushed to get it and a vibrator and get down to business.

It stars a virgin named Anastasia Steele who meets a millionaire named Christian Grey, and in typical porn fashion, they fuck and she can't get enough of his dick. Ana loves getting tied up and being his submissive bitch, getting wet every time he smacks her around and rapes her.

Despite the boring plot, the one-dimensional characters, and the poorly written sex scenes, Fifty Shades of Grey was proven to be an international success. Its target demographic: forty year-old housewives whose husbands are busy fucking the young secretary that will actually suck and swallow. This book provides fappable material for these sex depraved housewives who secretly fantasize about being slave whores to shirtless, well-built, male gardeners while their husbands are away fucking their cousins. It was bestseller of the year and is now forced into libraries and public education as a form of study and as a guide for women to read while bored in the kitchen.

Characters

What Fifty Shades of Grey teaches little girls.

Anastasia Steele

Bella Swan, I mean, Anastasia Steele is your typical Mary Sue. She's boring, sees herself as unattractive, always thinking someone is laughing at her or teasing her, and yet has every guy wanting to put their dicks in her, and she's thirsty for their jizz (see Bukkake). The twenty-one year old is supposed to be an intelligent, independent college student. This characterization is contradicted when we find out that not only does she not know how to use a laptop, she doesn't even know how to use email. This is even further reinforced when she practically dates a psychopath who actually warns her to keep away from him for her own safety. Despite this warning, she disregards his advice and still expects a prince who treats her with respect. This only proves that women, especially women like Ana, should not be allowed to leave the confines of their kitchens. She typically uses phrases like, "Jeez!", "Holy crap!" and, "Oh my!" instead of swearing, leading one to believe that the twenty-one year old has the mindset of a five year old, making Christian Grey a Pedobear.

Despite being a virgin who has never masturbated in her life, Anastasia is able to lose her virginity with hardly any pain, and even had the ability to give a perfect blowjob on her first try. She constantly gnaws on her lower lip, which gives Grey a raging hard on. She loves getting her ass kicked by Grey, having orgasms every time he practices his pimp slap on her. She soon falls in love with Grey for his "intelligence" and "charms". She's a walking doormat who gets off to Grey's GPS skills and dominant style and will do anything to fill her hole with Grey's rod.

Christian Grey

Christian Grey (aka Edward Cullen) is a twenty-seven year-old CEO of Grey Enterprises Holding Inc., translated as "some company no one really gives as fuck about." The control freak surrounds himself with blonde women as a part of his fascist sexual tendencies and his need to assure the public that he doesn't take it up the ass on a regular basis. He's described as cold, calculating, and looking like he has a 12 foot long iron pole shoved up his rectum.

Grey was raped by his adoptive mother's best friend at fifteen, teaching him how to find pleasure in domestic violence and rape. It stopped when the woman rejected him because he finally became an adult. Hurt and alone, he found comfort in men for a while, but then switched back to women some time later in his life. When Ana asks him, "Are you gay, Mr. Grey?" during his interview at the beginning of the story, Grey gets extremely tense and pissed, indicating that the above content is indeed correct. Dating and fucking Ana gives him the hope of fully regaining his heterosexuality, though we all know that isn't going to happen, which is part of the reason why he beat her.

José Rodriguez

José Rodriguez is this book's version of Jacob Black, the werewolf from Twilight. He works at an off-brand version of Home Depot like most spics, and is one of the guys who wants to bang Miss Mary Sue. ONe night he was drunk and nearly raped her, but Christian Grey stepped in to save her, telling him that she was his to rape. E. L. James throws in a few rough Spanish phrases to authenticate his Mexican heritage.

Katherine (Kate) Kavanagh

She is Anastasia's whore roommate who is extremely open about her sexual encounters, constantly regaling Ana with stories of how many penises she was able to fit in all her orifices at once. In the beginning of the story, Anastasia goes into detail about how her friend looks:

	“	Even ill she looks gamine and gorgeous, strawberry blonde hair in place and gree eyes bright...she's articulate, strong, persuasive, argumentative, and beautiful...	„
	—E. L. James's failed attempt at imagery through Ana's narration

This could imply that Ana is interested in wanting to be just like her.

Inner Goddess

The Inner Goddess is constantly referred to when things happen to Ana.

Plot

Remove the vampires, change the names, throw in another setting, and keep the plot - no other alterations are necessary.

The plot, if you want to call it that, is your basic, "Aloof, naïve girl meets rich, handsome man with mommy issues. They have a lot of sex and live happily ever after in their mansion," story. Seriously. There's nothing more than this. It is throughly five hundred pages of this. Save your money and find it online for free.

Sexual Innuendos in the Beginning

There are painfully obvious sexual innuendos before the sex even starts.

	“	...I'm trying to brush my hair into submission	„
	—E. L. James knows how to subtly tell you what the book is going to be about

	“	I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sleep with it wet.	„
	—Anastasia talking about her hair. We see what you did there, James

	“	I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office...I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr. Grey's office, and gentle hands are around me helping me to stand.	„
	—Anastasia being a clumsy oaf

Daaaaaamn girl! It's only chapter one and you're already on your hands and knees. You work fast, don't cha?

Erika L. James

Erika Leonard James is a 48 year-old mother of two who should definitely stick to her day job. She said that she did a lot of research on BDSM by watching enough porn that would make Quagmire admire her. Many doubt that she did much research at all considering that the sex scenes were extremely generic and uninteresting to people with healthy sex lives.

In the days of Shakespeare, talent and literacy were needed to make a famous novel, but thanks to Erika and Smeyer and all the stupid fucks who buy into their bullshit, the only thing needed is a set of ovaries and the minimum of an sixth grade education. Her most used tools for writing the books was finding new synonyms on Microsoft Word to make up for her lack of sophisticated vocabulary and trying to make her characters sound upper class, that is, before degrading them back to cumwhores when she gets lazy and wants to get horny. By using repetitive words, pretentious word usage, and terrible story structure/storyline, she became an overnight millionaire.

Her books are primarily composed of events that would never happen in real life. If any of the books happened in real life, Ana would be in a domestic abuse victim unit and Christian Grey would be behind bars for abusing dem virgins, unless of course it was staged somewhere else. It's a wonder how her husband can stand being around her. Perhaps he's into it as well.

ZOMG A MOVIE?!

Yes, there has been a lot of talk about htere being a Fifty Shades of Grey movie. According to the Los Angeles Times, the film rights to the novel have been sold to Universal Pictures, so one is to assume that Fifty Shades of Grey will follow in its predecessor's footsteps and shit out a few poorly acted movies. Now the depraved housewives will be able to see their sexual fantasies acted out on the big screen and finger themselves out in the open to it without feeling embarrassed, instead of just looking through HardSexTube for fappable material like normal people.

Now the question on everyone's mind is, "Who is going to play Anastasia and Christian?!"

Actress for Anastasia Steele

Emma Stone, Mila Kunis, and that chick who played Alice in Twilight have been rumored to have been considered for the role. Even rumors of Emma Watson (Hermione Granger) had popped up about her being considered for the role, though she denied that these rumors were true. INstead of being embarrassed to have been associated with a shitty story like this, she actually was flattered by it.

	“	I'ts very exiciting that people are starting to see me in a different way. It means that they're allowing me the space to grow and develop and reincarnate myself.	„
	—Emma Watson on not minding that people want her to play a one-dimensional, airhead character

She even went on to say:

	“	I've been saying since I was sixteen that if it's the right role and important for the character development and the story, then of course I'll do it	„
	—Emma Watson telling people she'll go nude on camera

So in other words, she has no problem having sex on camera and portraying a poorly characterized slut.

Actors for Christian Grey

As far as the actor who will be playing Christian Grey, many men have been rumored to be considred for the part. This includes Alexander Skarsgard, Ian Somerhalder, and Ryan gosling. I'm sure many people are getting a bit of déjà vu when it comes to how popular these castings are getting.

Videos

PROTIP: When Duke Nukem makes your book sound LESS ridiculous YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

Quotes from the Book

	“	“No. José’s a good friend of mine, that’s all. Why did you think he was my boyfriend?”	„
	—Anastasia informing Christian that José is condemned to the Friend Zone

	“	"You're a virgin?" he breathes. I nod, flushing again. He clothes his eyes and looks to be counting to ten. When he opens them again, he's angry, glaring at me. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" he growls.	„
	—Christian Grey pissed at Ana. I think the Don't ask, don't tell rule applies here.

	“	"You don’t do any exercise in your life," my subconscious has woken. She’s staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave. "ARE YOU CRAZY?" She’s shouting at me.	„
	—Ana's Schizophrenia is kicking in.

	“	I step forward while surreptitiously admiring his physique. He is just yummy. My subconscious swoons and passes out somewhere in the back of my head.	„
	—The Inner Goddess starts to manifest itself in Ana's mind while E. L. James tries her hand at using larger vocabulary.

	“	I know that lip is delicious, I can attest to that, but will you stop biting it? You chewing it makes me want to fuck you, and you're sore, okay?	„
	—Christian Grey attempting to hold back his instinct to rape Ana

	“	Ha! My inner goddess is thrilled. I can do this. I can fuck him with my mouth	„
	—Ana and her inner goddess giving Grey head. At least they've accomplished something.

See Also

• BDSM
• Domestic Violence
• Twilight