Joss Whedon: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 20:47, 26 April 2015

You would be forgiven for assuming this hairy potato creature has yet to experience the touch of a woman.

Joss Whedon is a the fat excuse for a director who, with a combination of plagiarism, woman-hating and pandering to pathetic nerds, was able to build a successful career in spite of multiple failures and no talent, before abruptly turning into a fedora wearing, propaganda spewing, subservient hyper-feminists who spends his time sucking up to irrelevant internet celebrities in hopes that they will let him forget the fact that everything he has ever produced contains half-dressed bitches and whores, and that his most favorite character that he ever created would threaten to punish women by raping them.

In fact, quite a lot of Whedon's productions contain rape. Besides the aforementioned character in "Firefly", another one of his shows contains multiple rapes and, if you think this is all in his past, you should know that the trailers for "Age of Ultron" (the movie isn't out at time of writing) already contain a subtle rape joke. So it's safe to assume that Whedon's obsession with feminism is probably the result of guilt over having some kind of rape fetish.

Who is "Joss"?

A rare photo of Joss after being captured by terrorists

The plump, geeky, comic book loving cancer that is killing screenwriting, Joss Whedon is exactly what Quentin Tarantino would be like if raised by Mr. Rogers. Beaten senseless and robbed every day of high school by the girls' chess club, Whedon attended college in England where he was only thrashed once a fortnight by the girls' rowing team. Some have speculated that these formative events were the inspiration for his subsequent works that featured scantily clad women who are unafraid to use violence to plow through large numbers of foes: Buffy Summers, Illyria, River Tam, Melaka Fray, etc. etc.

Whedon began his professional career in the Los Angeles entertainment industry, freelance writing for sitcoms and eating from the garbage cans behind doughnut shops. Finally, he wrote a screenplay titled "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". It bombed in theaters and Whedon decided that his failure was better suited for television. He was correct: BTVS ran for seven successful years, keeping the streets safe from goths, emos, 16-year-old girls and necrophiliacs for one hour a week or more if a marathon was running. Syndication and a DVD collection of the series ensure that BTVS will continue.

Whedon is now unspeakably rich and spends much of his fortune hiring contract killers to commit major slayage on the jocks who flushed him down the second floor toilet in his junior year. He was tapped to write and direct a "Wonder Woman" movie by Warner Brothers. Rumors that Wonder Woman will become a 16-year-old girl who can mop the floor with hordes of minions remain unconfirmed.

Whedon also ruined Runaways. He blamed director Jean-Pierre Jeunet for the stupidity of his "Alien: Resurrection" script, and blamed the idiocy of his line in "X-Men" on Halle Berry's wooden performance. More recently, Whedon has failed at creating a remake of Gerry Anderson's Joe 90 for Fox called "Dollhouse" (but would have been more accurate as "Dullhouse"). We eagerly await to see who he will blame for his own shortcomings this time.

Stealing Movies

Joss and "LionsGate" are currently being sued for $10 million dollars by someone who claims that Whedon stole a movie's entire plot from a book he wrote. The guy's book "Little White Trip" was released for free online and is nearly identical to Whedon's film "Cabin in the Woods", including plot, themes, characters and pretty much everything else besides names and the cabin being a reality show instead of a government program. The only question that remains to be answered is: If this guy is lying, why not at least take credit for a movie that wasn't a massive flop?

The face of a thief

Career as a Rapist

Every Joss Whedon character ever created.

In addition to his career in film and television, Joss Whedon is also gainfully employed providing surprise sex to his wife nightly, as unquestionably ugly and talentless bulldyke Allecto has fantasized in hyr LiveJournal. Note to the reader: as you read this excerpt, keep in mind that, in all probability, Allecto was fapping to the vision of rescuing Mrs. Whedon from this patriarchal servitude and whisking her away to a Sapphic paradise for intense re-education.

“	I feel awful for Joss Whedon's wife. From what I've read about him and the interviews I've watched, I'm fairly certain that he rapes his wife and abuses her in various other ways. I honestly can't think of anything worse than living with a man like Joss who thinks of women like the way he portrays in his tv shows. How awful. The comment about the money was meant to be about how I personally could see no benefit from being with a man like Joss OTHER than money. Joss uses and abuses her. Probably rapes her and thinks of women as whores etc, etc. Obviously, Ms Whedon has her own reasons for staying. Fear, patriarchal concepts of love, etc. But I would argue that she gives everything and gets nothing. Money is the only concrete thing that she could possibly gain. But as I said money is worth nothing compared with self-integrity, self-esteem, love (sister/lesbian/gynaffectionate love) etc. So she still loses out. Poor woman.	„

Undoubtedly, the Whedons have been cut deeply by the truth inherent in this character examination; Wifey's probably weaving vulva-shaped dreamcatchers to use as propellers for the vaginacopter she'll escape in, while Joss sprays bitter tears all over his dadpaste factory. Another uncontested victory for radical feminists who keep their ears plugged up with organic tampons to keep dissenting viewpoints from contaminating their womynenergy circles.

Joss and "Feminism"

In recent years, Whedon has been desperately trying to get rid of the stigma of being a woman hater, assigned to him by crazy, internet feminazis. However, cooperating with these cunts is never the right way to go about it. Sensing that the pray is weak and realizing what a pathetic, spineless individual Whedon is, the feminist community has used an array of articles and shaming techniques that would fail on anyone with a backbone to molded Joss into a pitiable, fedora-clad white knight.

Since then, Joss has been constantly involved in various, minor controversies that revolve around him trying to defend the helpless damsels in distress, all the while dressing up Scarlett Johansson in a skin-tight leather outfit with a ridiculousness cleavage and preaching his insane theory of "Womb Envy".

Yes, "Womb Envy". Joss Whedon's entire world-view about feminism revolves around the theory that men hate women because they're jealous that they can't pop a little brat out of their assholes, and not because say... women are stupid and useless for anything besides cooking, cleaning and sucking dick.

Here you see Joss proving his feminism by having Scarlett Johansson do the "Look at my ass and tits at the same time" pose on the "Avengers" poster.

Joss hates "Feminist" then backpaddles like a bitch

In stark contrast from his usual fear of saying anything to offend his feminist overlords, Whedon once made a speech at a benefit dinner about equality where he gave a 15 minute long, rambling dissertation about how he hates the word "Feminist". In his delirious mumbling he discusses wanting to replace it with calling people who aren't feminists "Genderists" and briefly mentions how people don't like to use the word "Feminist" because it isn't something they want to "deal" with, thereby reluctantly admitting he is aware everyone hates feminists and thinks they are annoying.

Although he was greeted with rousing applause from people in the room who wanted his money, the next day the internet was flooded with articles on feminist websites calling him a misogynist racist because, by implying that you should denounce sexists instead of coddling women, he acknowledges they already have all the rights and denies them their victim status. Furthermore, using a word like "Genderist" might give people the wrong impression that feminists want equality.

Whedon quickly receded like his own hairline and is now calling himself a feminist again.

Whedon Vs. The Mary Sue

In one of his most recent, and most pathetic displays of how crazy he has become, Joss responded to this tweet by feminazi website "The Mary Sue":

I think you misspelled "Fapping"

A logical person would have probably pointed out the irony/hypocrisy in a site that constantly whines about objectification tweeting about them all fingering themselves at the sight of a shirtless Chris Pratt. But not a beta like Joss. No, Joss instead chose to complain that they are overlooking the misogyny of the "Jurassic World" trailer, the true victim of which (according to Whedon) is Pratt's fully clothed co-star.

Unlike what the whores over at TMS usually do, they did not take this laying down. "The Mary Sue" responded with their own article saying that they aren't a reactionary feminazi shitholes unlike "Buzzfeed" or "Jezebel" (forgetting to mention "We Hunted The Mammoth" in their lineup of feminazi outrage blogs or the fact that TMS is by far the worst of the 4), and criticizing Whedon for criticizing them because him telling them how to be feminists is misogyny, mansplaining and harassment. The ordeal ended with Whedon apologizing to them and they are presumably still jerking off to the poor, sexualized Pratt while writing articles about "The male gaze" (yes, Joss too).

Whedon Vs. His own actors

Pretty much everyone who has ever been on set with Whedon has grown tired of his tedious browbeating to the point that his former colleague Adam Baldwin openly contradicts Whedon's delusional opinions on Twitter and his current coworkers did this:

In an interview about the upcoming movie, both Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner refereed to Johanson's character "Black Widow" as a slut, whore and a trick. Whedon responded by saying that he is "Disappointed" at them and the pair ended up having to apologize for diplomacy's sake. But it was clear that the joke was the result of them blowing off some steam after having to listen to Whedon's bullshit all day.

The Sarkeesian Connection

After Adam Baldwin coined the term "GamerGate", Joss became heavily involved in it, comparing people participating in it to the KKK. Becoming more and more embroiled in the shitstorm, he later tweeted this about Anita:

An innocent, unbiased opinion, right? Not so much. The first, obvious connection between Whedon and Anita is the fact that her first video was a criticism of his shit show "Dollhouse", calling it sexist. And, much like his interactions with TMS who wrote articles about him in the past, Whedon once again establishes a pattern of willingness to throw himself at the feet of any woman who accuses him of sexism and beg for their validation. Their second connection is not as obvious...

Jonathan McIntosh, Anita's boyfriend/director/puppetmaster once won an award from Whedon's scholarship fund for some video he made for a contest he was running (it was something about Buffy and Twilight). It got a lot of attention when Youtube pulled it down thanks to a DMCA and McIntosh had all of Anita's news-site friends published articles about it until the video was put up again.

Hilariously, Thunderf00t (doing something not retarded for the first time in his life) made this video to show what Anita would think of Whedon's videos:

Joss Whedon Fan Sites

Accurate description of all female characters in a Whedon film as told by Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner

BuffyWorld
- Conversation Starters:
  - That guy who plays Spike looks gay to me.
  - I saw Joss's titties when he was in a drunken catfight with Shannen Doherty.
  - I like Charmed better.
Fireflyfans aka the "Brownpants"
- Conversation Starters:
  - Science fiction is stupid.
  - What were they using for fuel?
  - I like Dr. Who better.

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-In [[Iron man|stark]] contrast from his usual fear of saying anything to [[offended|offend]] his feminist overlords, Whedon once made a speech at a benefit dinner about [[equality]] where he gave a 15 minute long, rambling dissertation about how he hates the word "Feminist". In his delirious mumbling he discusses wanting to replace it with calling people who aren't feminists "Genderists" and briefly mentions how people don't like to use the word "Feminist" because it isn't something they want to "deal" with, thereby reluctantly admitting he is aware everyone hates feminists and thinks they are annoying.
+In [[Iron Man|stark]] contrast from his usual fear of saying anything to [[offended|offend]] his feminist overlords, Whedon once made a speech at a benefit dinner about [[equality]] where he gave a 15 minute long, rambling dissertation about how he hates the word "Feminist". In his delirious mumbling he discusses wanting to replace it with calling people who aren't feminists "Genderists" and briefly mentions how people don't like to use the word "Feminist" because it isn't something they want to "deal" with, thereby reluctantly admitting he is aware everyone hates feminists and thinks they are annoying.
 Although he was greeted with rousing applause from people in the room who wanted his [[money]], the next day the [[internet]] was flooded with articles on feminist websites calling him a [[misogynist]] [[wat|racist]] because, by implying that you should denounce sexists instead of coddling women, he acknowledges they already have all the rights and denies them their victim status. Furthermore, using a word like "Genderist" might give people the wrong impression that feminists want equality.