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Bogans: Difference between revisions
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*[http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100001059683334&ref=ts/ Typical Bogan on Facebook] | *[http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100001059683334&ref=ts/ Typical Bogan on Facebook] | ||
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Revision as of 07:09, 31 October 2011
As America and Canadia has her wiggers and rednecks and England her chavs, so too does Ausfailia. Going by various titles such as "bogan", "derro" (short for derelict) and "that cunt 3 seats behind me who won't stop playing black person on his fucking phone", these colourful characters serve as a community reminder of how low white people can sink.
Defining Traits
- Baby Milo jumper
- Referring to male friends as "brah"
- Vocal hatred of other races, oblivious to the fact that the gooks are contributing more to society than they ever will.
- Blasting shitty repetitive black person music at 90 decibels on trains and buses from their stolen phones
- Constant adjustment of genitalia; heedless of environment
- Noisily kissing sexual partner on buses
- Eight children, all with ridiculous names like "Shakira" and "Phoenix" or ordinary names with retarded spelling such as "Jyessekaah" and "Ckristalle"
- Public alcohol consumption and drinking problem; but we all know IT'S INVISIBLE IF IT'S IN A BROWN PAPER BAG, RIGHT OFFICER?
- Harassing any intellectuals they happen across
- Conducting conversations within themselves with the verbal skills of a linguistically retarded budgerigar.
- Constantly smoking to relieve their very stressful lives
Spotting a Bogan
Bogans are usually very easily identified. They speak mumble a dialect of English which remarkably does not seem to use any consonants whatsoever (eg: "yeahiuhweareuhyeah" is a formal greeting). However, the bogan mating call is a different affair entirely: they shriek a series of what are apparently words in a vocal timbre so nasal one wonders if their vocal chords are actually located in their sinuses. Should you be taking a Sunday stroll and hear a cry of "AWWWWYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBRU" take cover- a bogan is nearby, and he "needs some money for the bus" (perhaps the greatest mystery surrounding bogans is that despite always spending "bus money" on alcohol, there is still a plethora of them on any form of public transport you care to name).
Bogans are never to be seen alone, on the very rare occasions they are solitary they will always be clutching a brown paper bag which according to Cityrail officers, apparently contains nothing. The Cityrail officers will cheerfully enforce $200 fines for not buying a ticket for a 3-minute train ride because there were over 9000 gooks queueing at the station and the stupid cunts only had one window open, but if a bogan is harassing someone, presumably drunk/stoned off their (frequently exposed) arse, the Cityrail officers will do fuck all because they are stupid fat old camelcunts and they can't get a power trip out of protecting the elderly. For this reason it is rumoured that the bogans and Cityrail are in cahoots with each other- certainly the 7 trillion or so bogans to be found at every train station in Sydney and the Central Coast suggest this is the case.
Bogan Fashion while traditionally consisting of flannelette and ratty jeans, appears nowadays to be an ongoing competition to see who can spend the most money at Paddy's Markets (for non-Australians, Paddy's Markets is basically a retail sweatshop). Baby Milo jumpers for the boys and fake "Guess" bags for the ladies (as in "guess how many Asian children it took to make this") are timeless classics. The ladies are to be seen in pants that are MUCH, MUCH TOO REVEALING (remember those little balloons filled with flour that you could squish around?). The boys participate in physics experiments; seeing how far below the waistline they can suspend their pants without them actually falling off. It should be noted that no matter how old the bogan gets they will at no stage dress any differently.
WHEN BOGANS ATTACK!
Confrontations with bogankind are a danger all Australians and visitors to Australia must deal with on an almost daily basis. Below are some typical examples of confrontations and how to deal with them.
The attack: You are walking by a group of young male boganlings. You are alone- bogans do not attack multiple targets. One of them says something about you, deliberately too quiet for you to hear because he's too cool to speak audibly. His quasi-sapient friends bray with badly concealed hooting laughter. This is, somewhat inexplicably, an attempt to intimidate you.
The defence: Tell them there is a sale on goon at the local bottle-o. They will not be seen again for several months.
The attack: You are at work and approached by a bogan. His nasal emissions give a vague indication of wanting something but you are out of stock. The bogan flies into a rage, flailing his tattood arms and bellowing about "DISKRIMMUHNAYSHUN"
The defence: Wait for his girlfriend to waltz up and beat him into submission with her Supre bag.
The attack: You are alone somewhere- location is not relevant. An obvious bogan approaches you and may or may not attempt (attempt, not succeed at) conversation. Sooner or later said bogan will implore you with some variation of "I need money for *some form of public transport*". You are for whatever reason expected to give them money you earnt because they have run out of money the government gave them. If you give them the money, they will without hesitation walk to the nearest bottle shop and emerge with a goon sack or passion pop. They have no qualms with doing this in plain sight of whoever gave them the money. They presumably adopted this tactic from the Aboriginals.
The defence: if the bogan is male, exclaim "you're that bastard who got my daughter pregnant!" which in all likeliness he probably was because your daughter mum is a whore. It is unlikely to be a female but if it is, just choke a bitch you faggot.
Bogans on the silver screen
Previous Video | Next Video
Linguistics
The perversion of English used by bogans has a very distinctive tone. Here are some fun translations which will aid you in your travels:
When one's toe is stepped on by a passer-by
Standard: I'm sorry, I should have watched where I was going.
Bogan: OI FUKKEN KUNT GIT DAHFUKKOUT MOI WAY
When purchasing items at the local tobacconist
Standard: Can I please have a packet of Marlboro Light? Thanks.
Bogan: GIMME SUM FUKKEN DURRIES BRAH OR I'LL FUKKIN SMASH YA
When having bags checked upon exiting a store
Standard: It's ok, I understand this is a regulation, thanks and have a nice day.
Bogan: DIS IS UN-FUKKEN-BULOIVABLE I DIDN'T STEAL ANYFING YA FUKKEN MOLL
As you can see, the bogan language is rich indeed!
Bogan Youth
The youth of the bogan community are to be seen on public transport; exchanging philosophical treasures such as "fukken top weed" and "I fukken did dis bitch last night brah". When they aren't contemplating their place in the universe and discussing the complexities of Nietzsche, they pass the time by burning holes in the plastic seats to get high off the fumes, and scratching illegible words into the windows, so everyone knows that "╚>▲BUR7@#$@%@*67 WUZ ERE".
These precocious kiddies busy themselves with other wholesome activities, such as shoplifting, assaulting the elderly, and having "rap battles" wherein the vocabulary is apparently restricted to around six words and the battle is won by the competitor who sprays the most spit on his opponent. The young girls also play a fun group activity called "Who can get pregnant before they turn 15?".
The Ladies Sluts
Female bogans are renowned for many things; most notably the ability to make cheap disgusting jewelery look even stupider than it does on the 8 year old girls at whom it is targeted. Female bogans are always, ALWAYS named Cheryl, Colleen, Jessie, Katie or Marlene. Their job consists of having 39 children and "tarting up" for her husband so she looks presentable when it's time for her daily beating.
Bogan driving
Bogans tend to buy really nice cars with supercharged V8 engines or utes, which they then crash into trees or poles. Theory has it that the drivers tend to crash out of remorse for being a failure, finally contributing to society by removing 1-5 bogans from this world.
Oi fukkah take down mah pic
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As if bogans could afford Boost.
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Bogans invade Second Life -
Just like the entire city of Gosford. -
Kath Day-Knight in her hipster days.
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Hipster-Bogan. lolwut. -
I think his mullet is stuck to the velcro. -
Always on smoko. Note the expensive furniture. -
Note suspicious bulge. -
I'm sorry, what part of Western Sydney do you come from again? -
derp.jpg -
Not pictured: Little Miss Domestic Violence Victim -
Postie's a mad cunt
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So where the bluddy hell are ya? -
Threatened bogans prepare to defend their precious charge.
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Bogan with his missus
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Nice tattoo, see also: every other bogan in the country -
Presenting the award for Best Supporting Madcunt.
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Classy hair is classy. -
Bogans with utes? I think this is shopped. -
Note the decorative beer bottles -
Bogan Monopoly
What Australians Really Think
See Also
- Brah
- Chavs
- Wiggers
- Corey Worthington
- Mill park tree
- Great Western Highway Pole
- Justin Williams
- Vonranke
External links
| Bogans is part of a series on people who have slept with Rubberduc 
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