Heaven: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 04:05, 14 November 2012

Heaven is a technique typically used by evangelist faggots to convince easily influenced people into giving money to their church. Also, members of the Catholic Priesthood use salvation & Heaven to bribe young altar boys into engaging in sexual acts.

Origins

Jesus, quite possibly the greatest IRL troll of all time, created Heaven as part of an elaborate plan to trick dumb kids into becoming an heroes. All of this drama started because Jesus' mother was asking for it and was raped by God. For his grand finale, Jesus became an hero to completely fuck anyone who didn't accept him as their savior by condemning them to Hell.

Disposition & Interpretation

There are many views of heaven. Typically heaven is their ideal state of being with perfect attention to the faith and what a faith feels is heavenly will tell you exactly how boring they are on average, how much they value sucking up to god, and if you should laugh in their face for picking such a shitty faith or high five them for awesomeness.

Whenever some follower tries to convert you, the first thing you need to ask them is what heaven looks like. If it sounds like a shitty place to be, ignore all threats of hell (you might as well be in hell if heaven is that lame) and send them packing. Otherwise you'll be pissed off forever... or for as long as that faith says heaven will exist.

Typically when you arrive in Heaven, some faggot will Google your name and pass judgment on your soul. Sometimes if you did something really amazing you might be declared a holy person or martyr and get to jump past the judgement stuff to the good part.

If you are deemed worthy of Heaven, the faggot will open The Great Fence and let you go party it up with the other worthy dead. If you are not accepted, you will immediately fall through a trapdoor into the depths of Hell.

Christian Heaven

The Christian Heaven is a boring city constructed of gold and everyone gets a mansion, not that they get to use it. Once you get there unless you're a saint you sit there reciting praises to god over and over. You will never sleep, feel emotion, or even be able to cry. All you do is praise god endlessly forever. That's essentially all there is. You're there for all eternity whether you like it or not. In other words, this is paradise, and if you don't like it, well that's too damn bad.

The belief in gold and mansions is a direct result of most Christians' secret insatiable apetite for riches and luxury (see Trinity Broadcasting Network) which stems from Jesus being a Jew. While material things as gold and mansions would have no value or purpose in heaven, Christians are incapable of understanding that earth bound possessions such as money or real estate have no actual worth in reality. This is why they fail when they try to figure out anything that isn't within the parameters of routine human life, and thus fail at their own religion.

The atmosphere in Christian Heaven can be captured in the following sentence by Friedrich Nietzsche: "In heaven, all interesting people are missing."

You will be blessed with the company of such characters as VenomfangX, jezuzfreek777, violetkitty411, the rest of the JewTube God-squad, and the entire Catholic clergy, as they are rewarded for a life of child rape with an eternity of child rape.

Muslim Heaven

When you reach Muslim Heaven, you will find it to be very similar to Iran except you can't even kill yourself. You are promised a substantial amount of virgins, but because God ran out at least 100 years ago, you must suffer through the night with balding, overweight acne-ridden whores as well as the occasional man or shemale. Because there are no condoms except to be surrounded by bawling shitting infants and pissy women and/or GRIDS within a year of arrival.

Jewish Heaven

There is no heaven. You go to sleep in the ground until Moses returns and wakes you up. Then you take back the Holy land, kill a bunch of Muslims, and party forever with zombie Moses. Some Jews argue there is no Hell and that the whole Moses thing is an allegory. Those Jews are commonly referred to as atheists.

Valhalla

This is where the manliest of men go after a lifetime of raping, drinking, pillaging and being generally badass, and when they get here, they do pretty much the same things as they did when they were alive. Oh, and at the end of all time they get to fight an army made of wolf men and zombies until they tear the universe apart and all the gods are dead.

Mormon Heaven

There are no single women in Mormon heaven because to get in the women must be married first. Then, when the woman dies, her husband must accept her as his wife or she goes right to hell. Having lots of babies and making her husband happy are high on the Mormon priority list for Mormon women as it doubles as training for once she gets there. In Mormon heaven the women are forever pregnant or in childbirth to have lots of spiritual children to spread the faith.

For men there's a billion bawling puking spirit babies, multiple cranky pregnant spiritual wives, and there's also no alcohol, caffeine, or drugs to ease the pain. It also has the boring city of gold, repetitive chanting and even more boring people than normal Christian heaven.

Enemies of Heaven

Heaven is part of a series on Christianity	Blessed by God [-+] Andy Schlafly • Ann Coulter • Anne Rice • Amalea • Al Sharpton • Andrew Quah • Angry Homo Kid • The Army of God • BayHorseCrew • Brad McQuaid • Butch Hartman • Anders Behring Breivik • Bruce Jenner • Jack Chick • Chris-chan • Concerned Women • Crusadercat • George W Bush • CHB • Chuck Norris • Dan Lirette • DBoyWheeler • DLAbaoaqu • Donnie Davies • Duck Dynasty • Gorilla199 • Elias Abuelazam • Elvis Presley • ExaltGod • FCU777 • Hal Turner • ItsAboutJesus • The USA • Juliana Wetmore • Jerichoonly • Jesse Jackson • Jesus Christ • Jerry Falwell • John Bulla • John Hagee • LoneWolf1984 • Lordelthibar • Krensada • Mel Gibson • Neal Horsley • Mike Huckabee • Mark Miner • MarkyVigoroth • Martin Ssempa • Myah Walker • Pastor Steven Anderson • Pewdie-Pinkiepie • PilgrimJohn • The Pope • Peter Popoff • Pat Robertson • Preachingthegospel • Purelily • RejectedDreams • Reverend X • Sarah Palin • Sherry Shriner • Shoko Asahara • Superdemon-Inuyasha • Ted Haggard • Thomas Chanter • Tony48219 • VenomFangX • Vic Mignogna • Virgin Mary • Warren Jeffs • William Lane Craig • Todd W Frederick • Xiao-Feng-Fury •
	Beliefs, Events, Traditions and Other Drama [-+] Anti-Semitism • The Apocalypse • The Bible • Catholicism • Censorship • Christian Identity • Conservapedia • Creationism • Christian Boy Love Forum • Christian Spanking Blogs • Christian forums • Christian Teen Forums • Christian furries • Christmas • The Crusades • Church of Fudge • Easter • EQ2Flames • Ex-Gays • Genocide • God hates fags • GodJesus • Heaven • The Holocaust • Homophobia • Hyldenism • Intelligent Design • JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR! • Jesus is Hitler • Jesus is Savior • Jesus Tortilla • The KKK • Mormonism • Objectiveministries • Purity Ball • Pussy Riot • Pro-life • Quiverfull • Rangerphiles • Raptor Jesus • The Rapture • Republicans • Slavery • Snopes • The Spanish Inquisition • The Ten Commandments • The Thaw • Transphobia • Visions • Xxxchurch
	Pissing Off the Almighty [-+] Abortion • Bestiality • Black metal • Circumcision • Evolution • Homosexuality • Liberalism • Masturbation • Pornography • Satanism • Scientology • Suicide • Transgenderism
	Heathens [-+] Agnostics • Atheists • Fagnostics • Jews • Nghtmrchld26 • Muslims • Pagans • Satan • Wiccans

Heaven is part of a series on

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@@ Line 7: / Line 7: @@
 ===Disposition & Interpretation===
-[[Image:Mara20051205.gif|thumb|240px|right|According to [[Google]], this is what heaven looks like.]]
+[[Image:Mara20051205.gif|thumb|240px|right|[[Google]]'s idea of Heaven.]]
-Heaven is supposedly [[Runescape|a magical land filled with angels and pixies.]] Recent studies have shown that you become an orb of radiant, white-light. You are immobile as well as have no thoughts, emotion, pain, or any human characteristics.  When you arrive in Heaven, [[old|St. Peter]] will [[Google]] your name and pass judgment on your soul. If he decides to allow you entrance, he will open [[Goatse|The Great Fence]]. If you are [[pwned|not accepted]], you will immediately fall through a trapdoor into the depths of [[Hell]].
+There are many views of heaven. Typically heaven is their ideal state of being with perfect attention to the faith and what a faith feels is heavenly will tell you exactly  [[Good|how boring they are]] on average, how much they value [[Religion|sucking up to god]], and if you should laugh in their face for picking such a shitty faith or high five them for awesomeness.
+Whenever some [[moron|follower]] tries to convert you, the first thing you need to ask them is what heaven looks like. If it sounds like a shitty place to be, ignore all threats of [[hell]] (you might as well be in hell if heaven is that lame) and send them packing. Otherwise you'll be pissed off forever... or for as long as that faith says heaven will exist.
+Typically when you arrive in Heaven, [[god|some faggot]] will [[Google]] your name and pass judgment on your soul. Sometimes if you [[anHero|did something really amazing]] you might be declared a [[faggot|holy person]] or [[Jihad|martyr]] and get to jump past the judgement stuff to the good part.
+If you are deemed worthy of Heaven, [[god|the faggot]] will open [[Goatse|The Great Fence]] and let you go party it up with the other worthy dead. If you are [[pwned|not accepted]], you will immediately fall through a trapdoor into the depths of [[Hell]].
 '''[[Christian]] Heaven'''
+[[File:Christian heaven.jpg|thumb|300px|You're going to worship god without sleep or the ability to cry... forever....]]
-Christian Heaven is filled with [[dinosaur|dinosaurs]] and [[pope|decrepit, corpse-like Jews]].  Even Heaven has the [[newfags|cancer]], and they sit around reciting [[old meme|scripture]] as if [[God]] & [[Jesus]] give a [[shit]].
+The Christian Heaven is a boring city constructed of [[Jew Gold|gold]] and everyone gets a mansion, not that they get to use it. Once you get there unless you're a saint you sit there [[old meme|reciting praises to god over and over]]. You will never sleep, feel emotion, or even be able to cry. All you do is [[USI|praise god endlessly forever]]. That's essentially all there is. You're there for all eternity whether you like it or not. In other words, this is paradise, and if you don't like it, well that's too damn bad.
-The Christian Heaven is a boring city constructed of [[Jew Gold|gold]] and everyone gets a mansion. That's essentially all there is. This is the final answer to life and death and you're there for all eternity whether you like it or not. In other words, this is paradise, and if you don't like it, well that's too damn bad. The belief in gold and mansions is a direct result of most Christians' [[obvious|secret]] insatiable apetite for riches and luxury (see Trinity Broadcasting Network). While material things as gold and mansions would have no value or purpose in heaven, Christians are incapable of understanding that earth bound possessions such as money or real estate have no actual worth in reality. This is why they fail when they try to figure out anything that isn't within the parameters of routine human life, and thus fail at their own [[religion]].
+The belief in gold and mansions is a direct result of most Christians' [[obvious|secret]] insatiable apetite for riches and luxury (see Trinity Broadcasting Network) which stems from [[Jesus]] being a [[Jew]]. While material things as gold and mansions would have no value or purpose in heaven, Christians are incapable of understanding that earth bound possessions such as money or real estate have no actual worth in reality. This is why they fail when they try to figure out anything that isn't within the parameters of routine human life, and thus fail at their own [[religion]].
 The atmosphere in Christian Heaven can be captured in the following sentence by Friedrich Nietzsche:
-[[4chan|"In heaven, all interesting people are missing."]]  You will be blessed with the company of such characters as [[VenomfangX]], jezuzfreek777, [[violetkitty411]], the rest of the [[JewTube]] God-squad, and the entire Catholic clergy, as they are rewarded for a life of [[pedophilia|child rape]] with an eternity of [[pedophilia|child rape]].
+[[4chan|"In heaven, all interesting people are missing."]]
+You will be blessed with the company of such characters as [[VenomfangX]], jezuzfreek777, [[violetkitty411]], the rest of the [[JewTube]] God-squad, and the entire Catholic clergy, as they are rewarded for a life of [[pedophilia|child rape]] with an eternity of [[pedophilia|child rape]].
+'''[[Muslim]] Heaven'''
+When you reach Muslim Heaven, you will find it to be very similar to [[Iran]] except you can't even [[an hero|kill yourself]]. You are promised a substantial amount of [[virgins]], but because [[God]] ran out [[at least 100 years ago]], you must suffer through the night with balding, overweight acne-ridden [[whores]] as well as the occasional [[Osama bin Laden|man]] or [[shemale]]. Because there are no condoms except to be surrounded by bawling shitting infants and pissy women and/or [[GRIDS]] within a year of arrival.
-'''Muslim Heaven'''
+'''[[Jew]]ish Heaven'''
-When you reach Muslim Heaven, you will find it to be very similar to [[Iran]]. It is just like [[IRL]] Iran except you can't even [[an hero|kill yourself]]. You are promised a substantial amount of [[virgins]], but because [[God]] ran out [[at least 100 years ago]], you must suffer through the night with balding, overweight acne-ridden [[whores]] as well as the occasional [[Osama bin Laden|man]] or [[shemale]]. Christian heaven is loadz nicer.
+There is no heaven. You [[dead|go to sleep in the ground]] until [[Jesus|Moses]] returns and wakes you up. Then you take back the Holy land, kill a bunch of [[Muslims]], and party forever with [[zombie]] Moses. [[Some argue|Some Jews argue]] there is no Hell and that the whole Moses thing is an allegory. Those Jews are commonly referred to as [[atheist]]s.
-'''Jewish Heaven'''
+'''[[Viking|Valhalla]]'''
-See [[Hell]]. [[Some argue|Some Jews argue]] there is no Hell. Those Jews are commonly referred to as [[atheist]]s.
+This is where the [[Homosexual|manliest of men]] go after a lifetime of raping, drinking, pillaging and being generally badass, and when they get here, they do pretty much the same things as they did when they were alive. Oh, and at the end of all time they get to fight an army made of [[furfag|wolf men]] and [[zombies]] until they tear the universe apart and all the gods are dead.
-'''Valhalla'''
-This is where the [[Homosexual|men of mens]] go after a lifetime of raping, drinking, pillaging and being generally badass, and when they get here, they do pretty much the same things as they did when they were alive.
+'''[[Mormon]] Heaven'''
-'''Mormon Heaven'''
 There are no single women in [[Mormon]] heaven because to get in the women must be [[married]] first. Then, when the woman [[die]]s, her husband must accept her as his [[wife]] or she goes right to [[hell]]. Having lots of [[baby|babies]] and making her husband happy are high on the Mormon priority list for Mormon women as it doubles as training for once she gets there. In Mormon heaven the women are forever pregnant or in childbirth to have lots of spiritual children to spread the faith.
-For men there's a billion bawling puking spirit babies, multiple cranky pregnant spiritual wives, and there's also no alcohol, caffeine, or drugs allowed. Fuck that noise! Might as well call it hell.
+For men there's a billion bawling puking spirit babies, multiple cranky pregnant spiritual wives, and there's also no [[booze|alcohol]], [[caffeine]], or [[drugs]] to ease the pain. It also has the boring city of gold, [[cancer|repetitive chanting]] and even more boring people than normal Christian heaven.
 ===Enemies of Heaven===

Heaven: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 04:05, 14 November 2012

Origins

Disposition & Interpretation

Enemies of Heaven

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