Heath Campbell

Out on an afternoon stroll after a hard day's work slaughtering Semites.

Heath Campbell (aka Papa Hitler) is a simple all-American man with a life just like me or you. He too wakes up every morning, has a bowl of 3rd Reich-O's, combs his toothbrush mustache, slips on his D-Day best, and visits his local catholic church once every Sunday. He and his lovely wife also happen to be self-proclaimed white-supremacists and Aryan master-race.

	“	I was raised not to mix with other races.	„
	—Heath Campbell telling it like a champ

The family

He's asking the person behind the camera for permission to end his brown-haired father.

I really don't want to know what the fuck is going on in that kid's head.

Any time you create a new character in a video game, be it an MMO, Single-player, or Role-playing game, one of the very first fundamental choices you're pressed with his naming your character. This is the dilemma Heath was faced with upon having his first son. After many long conversations and much careful planning, he and his wife decided upon the most sensible conclusion: Adolph Hitler. Thus, little baby Hitler was born. They later had two daughters named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, but nobody cares about them.

It wasn't until a year after Baby Hitler's birth that they began running into a harsh, distasteful persecution the likes of which hasn't been seen for at least seventy years. That's right; they were denied by a local super market to have a birthday cake with their darling son's name on it. In a last act of desperation, Heath rushed to his house, equipped himself with the latest and greatest in biochemical self-defense weapons (in the event of an attack), a gas mask, and a badge from the world's most influential movement, and then made heroic journey into the local Walmart. Fortunately for him they were more than ready to accommodate his lifestyle choices and thus prepared the cake in record times.

Tears of a nazi

For unclear reasons, the nazi family had their children snatched away from them by the man. It was apparently decided that it would be better for the children to be placed into foster care, where they can find a more loving, nurturing person that's more qualified to handle a child with the name Adolph Hitler. It isn't reported on how exactly all three children were taken away, but it was clearly done through the darkness and shadows as no man could ever possibly hope to overpower a united Hitler family.

When Heath Campbell finally discovered his children were missing, he and his wife swiftly took to the social services front lawn and picketed to express their displeasure in the situation. This plan lasted all of a few hours before they eventually gave up and headed back home to knock back a few cold ones. When they began questioning why the house was so peaceful, it struck them that their children were still missing and that they were supposed to be going to get them back. Heath organized his case to be judged by a state court of appeals, but was still shut down in the end, officially losing all custody of his children forcing him to live a unfruitful, boring, lonely life. But that's just what you get for living in New Jersey you stupid son of a bitch.

Final resort

This image has nothing to do with Campbell. I just thought you'd want to share in the boners.

	“	If I have to give up my Nazism, then so be it. I’ll do it.	„
	—Campbell, finally bending over to the great hammer of justice

After having his latest creation repossessed by the government, Heath decided to take a final stand. He cleaned himself up in ways that would put his war-council to shame, pocketed the nearest copy of Mein Kampf, and marched into the courthouse to demand custody over his all of his children. What followed may or may not have been the most epic court proceeding that's ever occurred in the history of the world. But you'll never know because the fucking court ruled that the hearing and its outcome be made private. The end. Article over. Go home.

Featured article June 12 & 13, 2013
Preceded by Transformers	Heath Campbell	Succeeded by Wyatt Mann