Hockey: Difference between revisions
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imported>Qwb deleted a removed video but added a couple; reordered some pictures; made teams a story |
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[[Image:Hockey 03.jpg|thumb|right|A typical Hockey circlejerk.]] | [[Image:Hockey 03.jpg|thumb|right|A typical Hockey circlejerk.]] | ||
[[Image:200pxtripja4.gif|right|How To Win A Fight In Hockey]] | |||
'''Hockey''', or ''Thugs On Ice'' is a [[truth|recognized, contact sport]] played on a [[WTF|rock hard sheet of ice]] while using [[fail|shoes with blades strapped on the bottom]] to glide at high speeds. The game is much like Capture The Flag, in that each team takes turns trying to run the "flag" (in hockey's case, a thick, hard disc made of [[science|vulcanized]] rubber) into the opposing team's zone, (in this case "the net"), without losing consciousness or teeth. | '''Hockey''', or ''Thugs On Ice'' is a [[truth|recognized, contact sport]] played on a [[WTF|rock hard sheet of ice]] while using [[fail|shoes with blades strapped on the bottom]] to glide at high speeds. The game is much like Capture The Flag, in that each team takes turns trying to run the "flag" (in hockey's case, a thick, hard disc made of [[science|vulcanized]] rubber) into the opposing team's zone, (in this case "the net"), without losing consciousness or teeth. | ||
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== In actuality == | == In actuality == | ||
[[Image:Hockey 01.jpg|thumb|left|How hockey is really played.]] | [[Image:Hockey 01.jpg|thumb|left|How hockey is really played.]] | ||
[[Image:Hockeyuguu.jpg|thumb|right|Hockey players are noted [[yaoi]] fetishists.]] | [[Image:Hockeyuguu.jpg|thumb|right|Hockey players are noted [[yaoi]] fetishists.]] | ||
Hockey isn't a sport, it's a combination of three activities. The first being ice skating, second being golf and third being a fist fight (unless you are [[Cindy Crosby]], then it is a punch to the taint). Players skate while using a golf club-like device (called a [[cock|stick]]) to control the motion of the puck into the opposing team's goal, or a spectator's teeth. | Hockey isn't a sport, it's a combination of three activities. The first being ice skating, second being golf and third being a fist fight (unless you are [[Cindy Crosby]], then it is a punch to the taint). Players skate while using a golf club-like device (called a [[cock|stick]]) to control the motion of the puck into the opposing team's goal, or a spectator's teeth. | ||
== The rules of Hockey == | == The rules of Hockey == | ||
[[Image:Hockey 04.jpg|thumb|right|[[Faggot|An "Official"]]]] | [[Image:Hockey 04.jpg|thumb|right|[[Faggot|An "Official"]]]] | ||
[[File:Canadian joke.png|thumb|hehe]] | [[File:Canadian joke.png|thumb|hehe]] | ||
*Referees wear striped shirts and jump really high. Try <s>not</s> to beat them while in a fight. | *Referees wear striped shirts and jump really high. Try <s>not</s> to beat them while in a fight. | ||
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Power Plays occur when a team has more players than the opposition, either due to a Jew or not having a goalie, often seen in Sudden Death. | Power Plays occur when a team has more players than the opposition, either due to a Jew or not having a goalie, often seen in Sudden Death. | ||
==The Teams== | ==The Teams== | ||
| '''New Joysee Devils | |||
Each city is just as big on their own team, like any other sport. However, some teams are quite important: | |||
*[[Pittsburgh|Monroeville]] [[Zombie]]s | |||
*San Jose Sharks, if only for the lulz. | |||
*[[Pittsburgh]] Penguins - Cindy Crosby the Stagediver provides much lulz. | |||
*Toronto Maple Leafs - As they're the team who hasn't won a Stanley in the longest time. <s>Thus the biggest [[failures]] in the sport.</s> There are 11 teams who have never won a Stanley at all. | |||
*Tampa Bay Lightning, primarily due to GM Steve Yzerman's penchant for eating babies. | |||
*[[Fail|Columbus Blue Jackets]] - Worst team in the NHL 2 years in a row. Bigger failures than Toronto, at least the Leafs make the playoffs. Also just traded their only All-Star. | |||
*[[Vancouver]] Canucks - Riots when they lose. They did it in '94 too. | |||
===Full List=== | |||
{{Story| | |||
*New Joysee Devils | |||
*Uniondale Fishsticks | |||
*New York Chip n' Dale Rescue Rangers | |||
*Philadelphia Cryers | |||
*Shitsburgh Pengwhines, sponsored by Heinz | |||
*Bahston Boohooins | |||
*Buffalo Slugs | |||
*Ottawa (Not good enough to have) Dany Heatleys | |||
*Toronto Maple Queefs | |||
*Winnipeg Regrets | |||
*Carolina Tornadoes | |||
*Florida Pussy(cat)s | |||
*Tampon Gay Frightning | |||
*Washington Crapitals | |||
*Chicago Blackcocks | |||
*Columbus Jew Blacktits | |||
*Detroit (earn your) Red Wings | |||
*Nashville Sexual Predators | |||
*St. Louis Jews | |||
*Calgary Flamers | |||
*Colorado Snow | |||
*Edmonton Coilers | |||
*Minnesota Manbearpigs | |||
*Vancouver "I Don't Give a Fuck" Cansucks | |||
*Anaheim Sucks | |||
*Dallas Starfish | |||
*Los Angeles Drag Queens | |||
*Phoenix Too Hot for Hockey | |||
*San Jose Gringos | |||
*Montreal Cuntadiens | |||
|||100px}} | |||
== Fun Moments in Hockey History == | == Fun Moments in Hockey History == | ||
[[Image:Hockey 02.jpg|thumb|right|Half-time Juggling/Fighting act]] | [[Image:Hockey 02.jpg|thumb|right|Half-time Juggling/Fighting act]] | ||
[[Image:HockeyFanRivalry.jpg|thumb|right|Typical fans start young]] | |||
<!-- [[Image:Hockeygangblowjob.jpg|thumb|left|Hockey players will suck yo' dick for a dolla'.]] --> | <!-- [[Image:Hockeygangblowjob.jpg|thumb|left|Hockey players will suck yo' dick for a dolla'.]] --> | ||
*Alexei Cherepanov collapsing on the bench, Died [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWqcB-AB5-U] | *Alexei Cherepanov collapsing on the bench, Died [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWqcB-AB5-U] | ||
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{{quote|Fuck you asshole, have a fist full of CANADIAN FURY!|A [[Toronto]] Mapleleaf}} | {{quote|Fuck you asshole, have a fist full of CANADIAN FURY!|A [[Toronto]] Mapleleaf}} | ||
[[Image:hockeyfurry.jpg|thumb|right|Did you say [[Furry]]?]] | |||
<br> | <br> | ||
<center>{{fv|Hockeyvids|background-color: white;|font-weight:bold;| | <center>{{fv|Hockeyvids|background-color: white;|font-weight:bold;| | ||
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|<center>'''Sportsmanship'''</center> | |<center>'''Sportsmanship'''</center> | ||
<youtube>8EfEgYgLNXw</youtube> | <youtube>8EfEgYgLNXw</youtube> | ||
|<center>'''Everyone fall on him'''</center> | |||
<youtube>Fz9RE9RGrVY</youtube> | |||
|<center>'''How it's played: 3 fights in a row'''</center> | |||
<youtube>EcL3iweULww</youtube> | |||
}}</center> | }}</center> | ||
Revision as of 09:24, 26 June 2013
Hockey, or Thugs On Ice is a recognized, contact sport played on a rock hard sheet of ice while using shoes with blades strapped on the bottom to glide at high speeds. The game is much like Capture The Flag, in that each team takes turns trying to run the "flag" (in hockey's case, a thick, hard disc made of vulcanized rubber) into the opposing team's zone, (in this case "the net"), without losing consciousness or teeth.
Though the National Hockey League (NHL) is played in both Canada and America, every player is Canadian (even the black one) and hockey is Canadia's national pastime, (and -as such- is the leading cause of Canadians being called "Hockey Pucks").
Meanwhile, in America, hockey is the official sport of shit nobody cares about. This was demonstrated to effectively during the strike-canceled season of a year nobody can remember when nobody noticed that nobody was playing or reporting about hockey. This season will likely be a repeat, as Gary Bettman is a Jew.
In actuality
Hockey isn't a sport, it's a combination of three activities. The first being ice skating, second being golf and third being a fist fight (unless you are Cindy Crosby, then it is a punch to the taint). Players skate while using a golf club-like device (called a stick) to control the motion of the puck into the opposing team's goal, or a spectator's teeth.
The rules of Hockey
- Referees wear striped shirts and jump really high. Try
notto beat them while in a fight. - Don't fake an injury/tripping too often, you'll be called a faggot.
- After each call a face-off will be had at any 9 locations on the "rink".
- Goalies should be rammed into head-first at any given opportunity. If you knock them into the "cage", extra points are awarded to your team. If you hit Cryan Miller, he will call you a gutless bag of shit postgame. Ram him again.
- Most games end in something called "Sudden Death", where the score continues, and will end, 0-0.
- Helmets are to be worn at all times, should you get a razor-sharp skate to the head it will cushion the blow.
The game itself has 3 periods, each lasting a regulated twenty minutes. Should a stalemate be reached, Overtime will commence. Should a stalemate continue, a shootout will take place.
Power Plays occur when a team has more players than the opposition, either due to a Jew or not having a goalie, often seen in Sudden Death.
The Teams
Each city is just as big on their own team, like any other sport. However, some teams are quite important:
- Monroeville Zombies
- San Jose Sharks, if only for the lulz.
- Pittsburgh Penguins - Cindy Crosby the Stagediver provides much lulz.
- Toronto Maple Leafs - As they're the team who hasn't won a Stanley in the longest time.
Thus the biggest failures in the sport.There are 11 teams who have never won a Stanley at all. - Tampa Bay Lightning, primarily due to GM Steve Yzerman's penchant for eating babies.
- Columbus Blue Jackets - Worst team in the NHL 2 years in a row. Bigger failures than Toronto, at least the Leafs make the playoffs. Also just traded their only All-Star.
- Vancouver Canucks - Riots when they lose. They did it in '94 too.
Full List
- New Joysee Devils
- Uniondale Fishsticks
- New York Chip n' Dale Rescue Rangers
- Philadelphia Cryers
- Shitsburgh Pengwhines, sponsored by Heinz
- Bahston Boohooins
- Buffalo Slugs
- Ottawa (Not good enough to have) Dany Heatleys
- Toronto Maple Queefs
- Winnipeg Regrets
- Carolina Tornadoes
- Florida Pussy(cat)s
- Tampon Gay Frightning
- Washington Crapitals
- Chicago Blackcocks
- Columbus Jew Blacktits
- Detroit (earn your) Red Wings
- Nashville Sexual Predators
- St. Louis Jews
- Calgary Flamers
- Colorado Snow
- Edmonton Coilers
- Minnesota Manbearpigs
- Vancouver "I Don't Give a Fuck" Cansucks
- Anaheim Sucks
- Dallas Starfish
- Los Angeles Drag Queens
- Phoenix Too Hot for Hockey
- San Jose Gringos
- Montreal Cuntadiens
Fun Moments in Hockey History
- Alexei Cherepanov collapsing on the bench, Died [1]
- Kevin Stevens getting knocked unconscious mid-air and hitting the ice face first, coma but recovered[3]
—A Toronto Mapleleaf | ||
Previous Video | Next Video
See Also
- Bulletball - A table hockey like sport, but no equipment is used aside from a ball.
- Canada
- Cindy Crosby - Probably the greatest faggiest ever
- Golf - Not a sport, but relevant
- Handegg - Another Americanized sport, often called Football.
- Michigan- Where people fap to hockey.
- Soccer - Similar to hockey, but no sticks are used and the playing field is made of grass.
- Windsor -
Every Hockey player ever is from there.That's Minnesota or Burnaby, dumbfuck.
External Links
- TOW's take on Hockey
- Plenty of easily trollable idiots here
- Some pretty lol moments in Hockey
- More lulzy moments
 Hockey is part of a series on the ED Special Olympics |
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| Featured article June 26 & 27, 2013 | ||
| Preceded by Paula Deen |
Hockey | Succeeded by Incumbent |