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This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT LUCASFILM ANNOUNCED THE ENTIRE EXTENDED UNIVERSE IS NON-CANON SO THEY CAN MAKE ROOM FOR EPISODE VII AND BEYOND!!!11!!!!!1



Deal with it, nerd.

Star Wars is an overrated series of sci-fag movies and merchandise created by George Lucas in the 1970's. Star Wars has a SHITLOAD of spin-offs, backstory, and merchandise creating a whole new breed of Turbo-Nerds. In the whole craze George Lucas has pocketed more money than he knows what to do with. Experts speculate he uses $100 bills to wipe his ass.

What is Star Wars? Take World War II and put it in space. To save you 15 hours: Atkins is young powerful space samurai. He gets tricked into being RoboHitler and starts a Space Holocaust. After his son pwns him, he gets troll's remorse and saves the day before killing himself.

A New Hope

Star Wars was one of the first American movies to feature Sand Niggers.
CP-3PO

Star Wars first appeared in the form of a film in 1977. Its sci-fi storyline set within the framework of a eastern film with Nazi Mysticism was unheard of at the time, and the studio thought it was going to be a box office bomb. It was also the first movie ever to use cheesy Windows Movie Maker wipe-away transitions. (Only a nerd under the age of 40 would say that, of course -- Lucas ripped off a whole series of visual elements from old Flash Gordon serials of the 1930s. The guy is a chronic thief and so is Microsoft.) Unfortunately, the film became extremely popular, and produced an entire generation of basement dwellers that compulsively masturbated to fanart of Princess Leia and Jabba the Hutt.

Most of the themes for the first Star Wars movie (later subtitled A New Hope) came from the Akira Kurosawa classic The Hidden Fortress (隠し砦の三悪人). In this movie a pair of bickering and self-involved peasants - one short, one tall - accompany a warrior and a princess (who learns humility along the journey) to the safety of her kingdom. The borrowing is most obvious during a sequence in which the two peasants take separate paths only to both be captured by the same enemy, find each other in amongst a horde of prisoners, and then cross paths with the warrior.

Whether the Western film influences in Star Wars are surviving elements from The Hidden Fortress (Kurosawa was known for borrowing from western films), or George Lucas' own is really none of your business. Because sucking off George Lucas' cock is my business and mine alone.

George Lucas is a Whore

Red leader, Red leader I need moar barbecue sauce!!!

After Star Wars hit it big at the box office, George Lucas spent all his money on as many hamburgers as he could eat (See also: Michael Moore). Unfortunately his stomach was a little larger than his wallet and so, now too fat for whoring himself out, he did the next best thing - lunchboxes. Lunchboxes, breakfast cereals, cardboard Halloween decorations, condoms, tennis shoes, television shows, dildos, gay prostitutes - anything. Star Wars was now not a movie but a marketing machine driven by Lucas' insatiable hunger.

The absolute pinnacle of this marketing frenzy was the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special, which really deserves its own article due to the sheer amount of foul things that can be said about it, but I'm too fucking lazy to make it myself (an article has been written on it now).

Spin Offs

Star Wars was followed by two sequels, Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, in 1980 and 1983. The two, notably the former due to it's lack of pure concentrated autism resulting in the only example of a fairly decent movie in this series, are notable for being improved dramatically by Lucas allowing other people to direct them, and for the ever-increasing numbers of random aliens in the background who would show up as tiny plastic toys being sold for $8 later on. Also, Episode V contained a lulzy scene where Luke and Leia share a kiss, only for Luke to find out in the next movie that Leia is his sister.

Star Wars: Holiday Special

Animal abuse.

This is hands down the best episode out of all the Star Wars films. It starts off with Han Solo and his furry friend in a space ship racing off to Chewbacca's tree house to celebrate the wookies' Life Day. One who sees the first 5 seconds already knows this is a piece of shit. It consists of uncircumcised dicks making music with bongs, a tranny version of Luke Skywalker and a whole family of furries jacking off to 2girls1cup. What's not to like? But best of all, there is no ending. It just randomly switches off to an advertisement for Star Wars toys.

There's a good chance you will wish to become an hero after a few minutes of watching this masterpiece film, as its message of love is extremely influential and will make you regret all the terrible things you have done in the past. It's recommended that you separate yourself from any weapons and/or lethal drugs until the shock wears off.

Remix

In the early '90s, Lucas decided it'd be pretty fucking hilarious to re-edit all three films and re-release them theatrically. It's probable that at this stage he was either under the control of Satan or his incredibly retarded "Skywalker Ranch" had eaten all his hamburgers.

He "remastered" the movies that everybody had grown up with to fit what he would later refer to as his "original vision". He cited numerous technical pitfalls and a lack of funding as his excuse for originally casting cult-icon Jabba The Hutt as a fat Irish man.

The "remastered" movies were a box office hit - mostly due to the fact that nobody had been able to see Star Wars in a theater for twenty years - but nobody liked them, not even after the third one was released and everyone discovered that Lucas had changed the Ewok song and given them more fireworks.

Moar Shit

Darth Faggot
George Lucas' token nigger.
Star Wars vs. Star Trek

One of the most cited criticisms was Lucas' addition of the three-second cameo of cult-icon Boba Fett (Empire Strikes Back) into A New Hope, simply so he could release another plastic toy for him ($10)

Several years later, in organizing the DVD versions of Star Wars he made yet more additions and deletions, including the derided "Greedo Shoots First" - widely denounced as the "dumbest shit ever shat". In the final scene of the DVD release of Return of the Jedi, the ghost of Anakin Skywalker is changed from the original actor to prequel prettyboy Hayden Christensen, seeming to imply that Anakin Skywalker actually died 20 years ago, and not on the new Death Star a few hours earlier. This change is justified by the fucktarded defense, "Well, Anakin turned good just before he died so his ghost looks like he looked before he came Darth Vader."

Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace - Now in 3D!

In 1999 George Lucas unleashed The Phantom Menace, the three-hour long story of a pair of gay Jedis, Jar Jar Binks, a whiny princess, a young Darth Vader who is apparently Jesus, and a whole bunch of aliens that were pretty much racial stereotypes. The movie generated millions, despite being a crushing disappointment to fans of the film. Thousands of tiny plastic toys were sold.

Brief plot synopsis courtesy of a whiny, unfunny cunt.

Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones

Feel my arthritis, bitch!!!
Proof that liking the Star Wars prequels turns you into a whiny, self-obsessed beta faggot.
Jedi skills.

In 2002 Attack of the Clones showed up in theaters, and by this time the little boy had become Chester Bennington of Linkin Park, and the Irish Jedi was gone but the Scottish Jedi was still there. The whiny Princess was apparently not a princess anymore, because on her planet Princesses are elected every four years - and for whatever the fuck reason, the pickaninny alien Jar-Jar Binks was a fucking Senator (who subsequently gave power to Senator Palpatine, thus setting the stage for the advent of the Galactic Empire, way to fucking go).

Also, in a shameless bid for hamburgers ($15), the bounty hunter known as Boba Fett was now a Maori, and a clone of his dad who was named JANGO! That's right, JANGO! (JANGO DEM KEYS) It turns out that the Clone Wars were fought by a bunch of Jango clones who were bored while waiting for rugby to be invented.

Cult horror actor Christopher Lee makes an appearance as Count Dooku (lol) and shares a hilarious scene with Yoda in which Yoda jumps and flips around and generally makes the movie into an early Jim Carrey film. This is widely cited as the only watchable piece of the entire movie, in spite of Lee's advanced arthritis, which you can notice when he shoots Sith lighting to Yoda.

The movie should have been a flop, but due to massive amounts of fanboys, the movie got a gajilion dollars within the first 6 seconds of its release and George Lucas can continue to rub his golden-plated cock with his Jew.

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith

DO NOT WANT

Lucas has released the final nail in the Star Wars coffin, which is titled Revenge of the Sith. The plot(or the semblance of it) is, Anakin gets pussy whipped and becomes Darth Vader, the Emperor kills Samuel L. Jackson, and Obi-Wan lets Anakin get burned alive/maimed out of revenge for Anakin joining the Dark Side.

It was expected to receive critical acclaim, but instead was rejected by some critics, who accused Lucas of turning the film into a historical docu-drama about the rise of George W Bush and Dick Cheney and the fucking up of Iraq for oil and nukes. Thus, the film only made $450 million as opposed to the usual $600 million, keeping Lucas rich and beautiful in spite of partisan bitching that he caused the final Star Wars film to tank. However, it is considered the BEST of the prequels. While this is true, that's like saying getting pissed on is better than getting shat on. You'd still smell bad regardless of which one happens to you.

ALL THIS SHIT IS NO LONGER CANON

This whole video summed up: "We love the EU, EU was great, EU has kept Star Wars alive for 30 years, EU has enriched the whole Star Wars experience, oh we love EU...
LOL JK, FUCK EU, it's discarded now"

Knights of the Old Republic

Juhani and Darth Revan.

There are three games in the Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic franchise so far. The first involves an amnesiac Darth Revan trying to recall who s/he is (oh, spoilers, you're not supposed to learn the main character was Revan until near the end of the game, oops!) while recruiting a whiny guy, a loli Twi'lek, a wookiee, a bitchy Jedi, a wise black man, a lesbian catgirl, two robots, and Mandalore.

The second game involves an exiled Jedi working with an amputated old woman and a team of a few idiots from the first game, plus new characters. It was rushed for release because LucasArts wanted Obsidian to churn it out before Holiday 2004. So a lot of content was cut out.

The third is the MMORPG. It hasn't been released yet, but it is hyped up to hell and back. Because OMG IT'S GOING TO BE THE WOW-KILLER (TOO BAD IT WAS FOR NOTHING, FAGGOTS). Maybe it won't have Jedi everywhere. And maybe this time one of its developers won't kill himself after putting in a game-breaking update that caused thousands of players to leave the game.

Star Wars: Force Unleashed.

The series which spawned Galen Marik who was in all essences God. His powers included being a whiny angst-ridden douche-bag and being able to kill everyone and everything without much trouble.

This series was basically just a way for Jew Lucas to squeeze more pocket money out of 13 year-old boys as well as being able to piss the fans off more with a well executed piece of trolling.

It has been announced that in the 3rd installment, there will be a sequence where Gaylen is fighting the entire Imperial Fleet, flying through space without a space-suit on, slicing through star destroyers and at the end, crushes the 3rd Death Star with his mighty powers.

Star Wars: Force Unleashed 2: Electric Boogaloo

They gave Gaylen another glow-stick. Also it's a short game.

Star Wars Books

Typical fanfic subject material.

Since fanboys apparently didn't have enough semen all over their Limited Edition Star Wars trilogy DVDs with the original theatrical releases, various authors everywhere decided it would be a great idea to write numerous books expanding the Star Wars universe. These masterpieces contain some of the biggest penis-sucking fanboy-overload of cock-gobbling fuckfests ever printed on paper. The undeniable truth is that unless you are a raging fanboy you probably have never read or even heard of these books (implying that you actually read of course).

The gay events of these books are including, but not limiting to: Han and Leia's kids, Chewbacca dying (:<) Death Star II 2: Electric Boogaloo, explanation of how Boba Fett survives the Sarlacc Pit, explanation of how Darth Maul and Samuel L. Jackson survive falling to their death in the movies, history of the Sith, how The Emporer comes back to life 5 TIMES (srsly), and an entire fucking saga of Boba Fett.

Turkish Star Wars (Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam)

Turkish Star Wars

That's right Turkish Star Wars. Not only does Turkish Star Wars include exploding rocks, epic maneuvers, and a salad of healing, but it breaks every copyright law ever to exist in any form of entertainment. The movie includes no legible plot, downtime, English, Furries (I ain't complainin'), or anything else that would ruin a movie. Sadly, Samuel L. Jackson was not in this movie. This movie does include: all of the above, cardboard sword, limbless lobsters, AIDS, and mummies.

PROTIP: This giant ripoff is still heads and shoulders above anything Lucas and company ever came up with, and proves that even Turks can do better than George Lucas.

The Plot is about Earth getting completely destroyed every time some years after 2000's, by space aliens, and the chunks that Earth gets blasted reform for humanity to rebuild.Some of these parts fly into space, and one of the rocks that flew to space is full of Arab and evil alien overlord who is 1000 years old and requires blood of the fallen humans to survive. 2 brave Turkish Pilots lead a defense force against this Alien Overlord and accidentally crash unto this small planetoid. Abandoning their ships and looking for help, the duo get attacked by Stormtroopers with swords and horses. They kill them and find out that this place is a rock that flew away from Turkey and contains the remnants of 13th Tribe. They try to kill the Alien King but cannot defeat his army of furries. Thus they start to train with cardboard rocks and rub salad of healing on their skins to get better. Still they get captured when they go to a bar full of aliens and shitty music from whatever cantina Star Wars had, and the furries try to mummify them. Anyway, they find some wooden sword of light that cuts everything apart, one of them betrays the other and dies, and Our surviving hero cleaves the Alien King in two.

Star Wars and Fat Kids

In keeping with the Internets phenomena of fat people making embarrassing videos of themselves, a young Canadian boy-whore named Ghyslain Raza (sounds like a Star Wars faggot!) secretly made a video of himself messing about and pretending a golf ball retriever was a lightsaber. His mean-spirited classmates then put the video on the internets, thus spawning the Star Wars Kid. He actually sued the tits off of them, settled out of court. Apparently, Ghyslain's classmate intended to upload videos of the fat boy getting butt-raped by his gay friend and enjoying it, but the wrong video was obtained.

Jek Porkins

The overweight X-Wing pilot Jek Porkins is a rolemodel for fat kids and neckbeards worldwide, because he can pilot his spaceship while simultaneously consuming vast quantities of cheeseburgers and soda.

Star Wars Fan Boys

Shitloads of nerds are obsessed with this pile of crap such as the Homo who turned his Honda civic into the H-wing. According to comedian Brian Posehn, the best way to troll Star Wars fanboys is to run up to them and yell "Picard stinks!! Kirk was way better!!"



Fanbois on the Internets

Child abuse.

There are thousands of Star Wars fan sites on the internets, and a consistent number of wikis, most notably Wookieepedia and its minor bitch sister, the Star Wars Fanon Wiki. Other Star Wars wikis in the internets:

Trying Too Hard to Troll

StarTrek727 : Hello my Sci-Fi friend. How goes the intergalactic battle?

JediKnightX : hey there, who are you?

StarTrek727 : You don't know me... I read in your buddy profile that you are a Star Wars fan... nice screen name by the way.

JediKnightX : Um, yeh thanks. Your screen name is pretty unoriginal, don't you think?

StarTrek727 : I'm only professing my love for Star Trek, you have a problem with that punk?

StarTrek727 : It's not like Star Wars is cooler than Star Trek...Star Wars sucks ass.

JediKnightX : Excuse me, you are insulting the very essence of what I stand for, the nobility of the Jedi way and what it means to be a true Star Wars fan.

StarTrek727 : Everyone knows that in a fight, Star Trek would put a beat down to Star Wars.

JediKnightX : Are you joking me? There is substantial empirical and theoretical data supporting Star Wars dominance.

JediKnightX : Don't test me young man, I would blow your feeble mind away.

StarTrek727 : You smell bad.

StarTrek727 : Do you have a pony tail? I bet you do... those are so Star Wars. Do you think George Lucas is pretty?

StarTrek727 : Would you " blow" me away with the Force? That is pretty cool though, like when they move stuff with their minds, So BADASS. Can you do that?

JediKnightX : If you continue to offer me gibberish I will be forced to end this conversation.

StarTrek727 : I bet you have a purdy mouth.

JediKnightX : Alright, it's clear you don't care to try my knowledge. Leave me.

StarTrek727 : Hey...

JediKnightX : What?

StarTrek727 : Alright, you want to fight, Lets RUMBLE biatch.

JediKnightX : Hit me with anything you've got.

StarTrek727 : First off... #1 Star Trek didn't have any gay characters, what do you say in defense of your precious Jar Jar Binks, that guy was a flamer. You'd probably like to have hot Jar Jar man-love with him, eh?

JediKnightX : I call that a pitiful argument of a desperate Trekkie. You obviously understand no core data about logistics, weaponry, shielding, etc.

StarTrek727 : Au contraire my little semantic sleeper.

StarTrek727 : While I may not be a diehard wackjob... studying episodes, transcripts, blueprints like yourself, I do have some key points to establish for Star Trek superiority.

JediKnightX : Let's hear em.

StarTrek727 : One quick question, do you touch yourself when you think of Darth Vader with his mask off? He is so cute.

JediKnightX : I grow tired of you.

StarTrek727 : #2, Worf would kill Chewbacca in a fight. Your dude is all hair, no muscle.

StarTrek727 : Pure street fight, no lasers, no little Star Wars gadgets.... just raw POWER. Your wookie would die to my Klingon!

JediKnightX : Chewbacca would tower over Worf, by at least a foot and a half. Besides, his physical dominance is clearly shown through out the Star War movies, while Worf's power is roughly equivalent to about 2.5 men.

StarTrek727 : You are forgetting one fact kind sir....

JediKnightX : What's that?

StarTrek727 : I would have Worf so juiced up on steroids and pain killers he would feel no pain... you would feel the PAIN sucka.

JediKnightX : You are such a child... Here's a topic for you: Spaceship 1 on 1 battles. Star Wars' tactical warships would handle anything Star Trek could offer.

StarTrek727 : Tactical warships? Is that a new warship that gives you suck-ass action?

StarTrek727 : Are you a hairy person, I imagine all the Star Wars guys as really hairy.

JediKnightX : You really make no sense.

StarTrek727 : Hey! You watch your tone with me Han Solo, don't make me go call my Trekkie Mafia.. we would F you up. Me, Picard, Data, Worf... god, we'd be a Wrecking crew.

JediKnightX : I see you dabble in the realm of insanity. Well, as much fun as this has been, I must be off.

StarTrek727 : Wait... I am sorry.... I am being childish and immature. I admit it.

StarTrek727 : I have no friends, my mom and dad keep me locked in the basement... on account of my Albinism. Do you know how hard it is to be a pale faced freak?!

JediKnightX : Are you serious? It's okay, I didn't realize that.

StarTrek727 : I'll let you go, although I have one more point... hear me out please.

JediKnightX : Sure thing.

StarTrek727 : Lets assume that you are right about Star Wars being superior. That they would stomp Star Trek on all the technobabble shit you have discussed... That you, JediKnightX, are much better suited to do battle then the likes of... a childish, Albino freak. I will throw in the towel to these facts... but one true question remains... one which will settle it all:

JediKnightX : What's that?

StarTrek727 : Do you have man-boobs?

JediKnightX : Goodbye.

StarTrek727 : Live long and prosper my friend... live long and prosper!

Star Fan Wars

On three separate occasions, arguments involving the superiority of Star Wars to Doctor Who, and vice versa, have exploded into three wars. These wars have killed thousands of innocent people, but considering that most of them were cosplayers and Narutards it isn't THAT sad. These wars are generally fought at conventions in the United States, because even the nerds there are gun nuts. Most of these fights wind up making an awful mess of the whole arena, and seeing as both sides are too weak and frail to hold any winnings from the cops, most of these battles wind up a tie, such as the Battle of L.A. Con. But a few exceptions, such as the Battle of A-kon, were victories for the Mecha fans, who had armed themselves and incidentally wiped both sides off the map. There is currently a Star Fan war in progress in Korea, Japan and the Western Seaboard of the United States. Mecha peacekeepers have managed to contain the thread of pathetic nerd-dom.

Star Wars: The Disney Saga

You came to the wrong neighborhood, motherfucker.
Star Wars Episode VII title leaked.

Twi'leks

Many Star Wars nerds fap to the thought of fucking a Twi'lek, an alien with two penises hanging down its head. This can be seen here in video form:

Cosplay stupidity.

Sims mod.

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Gallery

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See Also

Even Stormtroopers have feelings...

External Links

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Media

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Featured article May 19, 2005
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