God of War

One of the many alternate realities you'll encounter in the game.

This is exactly what God of War would like like on the Wii.

God of War is a popular series of video games and in which a large, pale, roid-raged guy from Sparta goes around killing everything in sight and sexing up bitches, all while talking in ALL CAPS and being a general tough guy. Not only that, but he spouts several over-used and lame memes and in-jokes to try and be funny (like you read in the first two lines of this article) but fails miserably.

It is Sony's answer to the much more popular Legend of Zelda series, except that God of War has an actual plot to it. This, however, is moot because faeries and fags dressed in green tights can never be replaced by half naked baldy men slashing mythical creatures to shit. The games' gore factor is a lot higher then your typical hack 'n slash series, and Nintendo fanboys wish it would be ported over to the Wii so they can use waggle technology to slash faggots with their megablades.

Main Characters

There are far too many characters in God of War to count. Here is a list of only the main characters that recur throughout the series and why they are of great importance.

Kratos - A rather buff and athletic pasty cunt who has not seen the sun in years. He wears absolutely nothing but a cloth to cover up his miniscule penis and dirty arse crack. Fans tend to wet themselves over this as they love watching Kratos' thick, muscular legs while he's escaping from a pack of wild minotaurs. As evidenced, it is clear he likes to smear the blood of his victims over his body in a twisted act of sexual release. Some will argue this is actually just war paint, but it's just to cover up Sony's sickfuckery. He was tricked by the god Ares into killing his own family. Lulz. Also, despite being a pasty, white cunt, he has a rather deep black person voice.

Goddess Athena - The goddess of peace and wisdom. She also happens to be a virgin. She is in charge of Athens and is ultimately Kratos' bitch. She convinces Kratos to destroy the God of War Ares' army (the same one who tricked him into killing his family). When Kratos tries to suicide off a cliff she saves him and tells him that he can be the new God of War, but really she wants Kratos' dick but is too much of a pussy to ask him. Ends up getting killed by Kratos. Then ,surprise!, comes back as ghost

God Zeus - The main antagonist of the series. He is the God of thunder, the sky and ruler of all the other Gods. He betrays Kratos and guess what? Holy shit he's his father!! That's just in case you managed to get by the spoiler at the top. He is in charge of Mount Olympus and is leading a constant battle between the Gods and Titans. When Kratos tries to kill him, Athena jumps in the way for great justice and saves him.

Gaia - Kratos' very own pet Gaiafag. She is the mother of the Titans and is the Goddess of the Earth. She was banished by Zeus when she refused to suck his cock during The Græt War. She and the other Titans side with Kratos as he attempts to inflict ownage on Zeus and all of Mount Olympus, ultimately resulting in the titanesses's death.

God of War plot

Your typical gameplay involves Arabs fighting giant furries.

The plot of the series can be much better described as a fractional 'Hercules meets 300' rip-off. The first game begins with Kratos just before he is about to an hero. We are then taken back in time and it is revealed Kratos was tricked into killing his family. He then goes on a mission to kill the faggot who did it (The God of War Ares). Kratos then enters a temple by crawling into a titan's ass and solves numerous puzzles to retrieve an item known as 'Pandora's Box' (oh, like in Legend of Zelda??) After retrieving the box, Ares sends a swarm of herpies to kill Kratos and take the box.

Now that Kratos are died, he descends into the Underworld and is seemingly trapped there forever. But Kratos won't have that, so he proceeds to kill and destroy every dead creature he sees. He fights his way to the top of the Underworld and eventually finds a portal that takes him back to the real world, alive and well. Now he's really pissed, and tracks down Ares so that he can fuck him up.

Kratos then retrieves the box from Ares and opens it up wide. The forces that are unleashed cause Kratos to grow to a preposterous size until he is equal to Ares. Basically what you get to see now is a huge Japanese Godzilla-esque giant monster battle between two super powers. After Kratos gains the upper hand, Ares uses a pussy tactic and traps him in an alternate dimension (like in Legend of Zelda again??) where an illusion of his family is. Ares kills this illusion to torment Kratos even moar and brings him back to the real world, and takes his weapons and magic away from him. Upon doing so, Kratos finds a giant fucking sword that appeared out of nowhere and fucks Ares up, eventually killing him.

The flashbacks end and the story catches up with the present. Athena tells Kratos that the horrible nightmares he has of his family cannot be gotten rid of. This prompts Kratos to become emo, and then he tries to kill himself (as seen at the start of the game). After he jumps, Athena saves him and brings him to Zeus, who offers to make him the new God of War in return for fellating him. This brings the first game to an end.

God of War II plot

Kratos bravely slaying Nariko with his mighty sword.

The struggle continues as Kratos tries to subdue Nariko.

Kratos is at last triumphant and has slain Nariko.

Several months after the first game, Kratos is the established new God of war. Kratos is badly pissed off at the gods because he spent 10 years going through serious shit killing all their goddamn enemies, and they refused to return the favor. Now he's evil and wants to fuck with them by wiping his ass with Greece. The other Gods are not amused at all by this and reject Kratos, making him an outcast. He continues conquering most of Greece with his army of Spartans. When he decides to take Rhodes, an American eagle somehow manages to rob him of his God powers and puts them inside of a giant metal collosus. Zeus comes in to save the day and gives him a magical sword which he uses to defeat it. Then, in a delicious act of irony, the giant metal robot's hand falls on Kratos and wrecks his shit. He tries to crawl to his sword which will restore him back to full power. But then...

Le gasp! It turns out that the eagle is actually Zeus! Zeus betrayed him, in order to save Mount Olympus from certain doom. Zeus then insists Kratos ends his faggotry lest he be smacked with the perma-ban banhammer and be kicked out of life. Kratos refuses, and Zeus kills him. Just as Kratos is getting pulled into the Underworld (again) he is saved by a Gaiafag who then gives him a magical horse named 'Pegasus' (like in Hercules??) which he uses for transportation and buttsex. Kratos then embarks on a tl;dp journey to reach a bunch of lesbian sisters known as the 'Moirae' who control the fate of every God and mortal with a fucking loom.

During this journey, Kratos fights a variety of monsters like Typhon, Theseus, the Kraken and a billion other rehashed mythological Greek monsters that you've seen countless times before on Disney's Hercules. When he arrives at the three sisters lair, they engage in an epic battle that is so confusing I cannot even bring myself to begin explaining what happens in it. After all the time travel, mirror-magic and retarded summoning spells are over, Kratos defeats the three sisters and takes their loom. He then does some more time travel and fights Zeus. After stabbing him in the guts, Athena arrives on the scene. Kratos uses a magic spell to finish off Zeus but Athena jumps in the way, saving Zeus and becoming a candidate for the Golden iPod in 2007. Zeus escapes to Mount Olympus, and Athena tells Kratos that Zeus is his father (oh, where have I seen that before?) This causes Kratos to suffer more rage.

Kratos goes back in time (once more) and gets all the Titans who were killed in The Great War and brings them back to the present. He then leads them to Mount Olympus where they start scaling it to reach the temple at the top. Zeus, Poseidon, Hermes, Hades and Apollo all align together to defend their precious mountain. Then the faggots at Sony leave the game at a cliffhanger, almost guaranteeing that every GoW fanboy will buy the third game to see what happens next.

God of War III plot

Long story short:

Kratos continues his butthurt revenge quest against his pedophile father, Zeus.

Kratos kills the gods as to cease their faggotry.

Kratos solves puzzles that are clearly designed for waterhead mongoloids who enjoy eating feces and fingering small children.

Kratos kills Pandora and then Zeus.

Kratos becomes an hero.

Kratos' body disappears, yet again leaving a cliffhanger for drooling fanboys to touch their penis to.

/story.

Critical Reception

Like most Playstation games, the God of War series has garnered much success and critical acclaim from IGN, Gamespot, Jeff Gerstmann, Gamespy, GameFAQs and 1up.com most likely because the CEO of Sony sucked their dicks and/or payed them off. Cows (Sony fanboys) the world over are unanimous in that the God of War series is undoubtedly "the best ever". People should take this with a grain of salt, because Sonyfags say this about every Playstation franchise like Metal Gear Solid, Final Fantasy, Crash Bandicoot and the ever popular Grand Theft Auto series (which like all playstation franchises, eventually got ported to the XBox).

Based off the success of the first two games, Cows believe God of War 3 will be bigger then Jesus' second coming. They began spouting shit like 'AAAAE am confirmed!', 'If God of War 3 does not receive AAAAE I will eat my PS3's hardrive' and 'GoW 3 GotY!' (GotY and AAAAE are gamefag for 'Game of the Year' and '10/10 exclusive' respectively). Should God of War 3 get any lower then a 10/10 on all sites aforementioned in the above paragraph then the internets will most likely overload as the bawwwwing is unleashed from the cows. You can tell that they are extremely homosexual, as they cannot wait for another installment of seeing a bald, naked man running around like a faggot.

Role in the Console Wars

As usual, Microsoft and Sony fanboys are neck-and-neck with each other over whose overpriced, oversized consoles with shitty gaming libraries is better. These endless arguments are pointless because the greatest game of all time was already released 17 years ago. Nevertheless, the God of War series is another subject at the centre of these wars. Sonyfags will constantly be drawing comparisons between God of War and Legend of Zelda and an attempt to make them feel better about themselves because in reality they're all a bunch of fat fucking basement dwellers and who spend every hour of every day defending the same companies that turned them into basement dwellers with their ultra 1337 gaming consoles.

God Of War 4

Apparently some leaks revealed that the next game is gonna be in Norseland, watch out Freya... Kratos gonna pund your fat ass with Thor's hammer after decapitating him with his knees while a dwarf sucks his tit.

See Also

• Sparta
• Sony
• PS3
• Console Wars

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