Tool

Tooltards, behold your god, MJK at his finest.

Average Tool Fan.

Tool is a favorite of many pseudo-intellectual teenagers (their first album came out in 1991, the band is old as fuck) and faggots. They're a band which thinks that writing lyrics about lachrymology makes them artistic. The band, led by midget Maynard James Keenan, is known for their deep and insightful songs about enemas, fisting, Maynard's penis, and being raped in the ass by one's stepfather as a child, as well as their "highly technical" instrumentation. On closer examination, Tool's lyrics reveal that the band are really just a bunch of retards who read too much and should shut the fuck up. For better or worse, Tool's pretentious literary aspirations have not affected any Tool fans, whose literacy rate remains at a steady zero.

Musical Style

Tool is ultimately another shitty alternative metal band that claims they have "profoundly deep musicianship and songwriting" to prevent people from thinking they suck. WAT RLY MAEKS DEM SPECIAL IS DAT DEY USE SPECUL TIEM SIGNATUREZ TO MAEK ALL DER SONGZ SOUND EXACTLY TEH SAME!!!!!!!! However, when you take away all the progressive breakdowns (aka 8 minutes with only 30 seconds of pretentious substance) they sound exactly like Nickelback. Tool is also "praised" for their incorporation of visual arts, as if awkwardly slapping stop-motion into videos or shitty 3D into liner notes is something no one's ever done before.

Fans

If you ever see a scraggly emo reject with a dick wrench shirt on avoid him like the goddamn plague. Alternatively, kill it with fire.

Perhaps the faggiest aspect of this band is their fanbase, who over-analyze every last lyric or detail about the band ad absurdum, and think Tool members are Gods and Maynard is an alien that will lead them to salvation. Most of the fans are whiny angsty teenagers, who are closely related to Emo kids, but unlike emos, they unfortunately don't try to kill themselves.

	“	I threw away all my Tool t-shirts once I saw what kind of people wear them. I'd rather be a registered pedophile than be associated with those inbred, black person pseudo-intellectual losers	„
	— Some faggot reaching enlightement just before the leeches were put on him

Most of the fans have this feeling of "higher being" at Tool concerts, as Maynard is so fucking wasted on acid that he doesn't even realize he's playing a concert and basically just whines random sentences that fans somehow consider deep, despite the blazingly obvious fact that you're more likely to get more meaningful insights on life from a fucking ABBA song than from Tool. The fact that fans also like to think that Tool's lyrics have a deep spiritual meaning which only they can comprehend makes it all the more hilariously pathetic. The truth is, Tool sucks and fans just can't accept that they're all a bunch of whiny, angsty kids.

Only assholes listen to Tool.

Artistic Side

They made a wrench look like a dick. Real fucking creative, guys.

Tool is usually described as "Introvert progressive art-rock," or some other meaningless made-up bullshit genre like that. This is only so Tool could pretend it was different from all the other shitty alt-rock bands out there, making them one of the most pretentious bands in existence, and thus quintessential to the genre. For evidence of this, fans often like to point out that the song Lateralus incorporated numbers of the Fibonacci sequence into the number of syllables of the lyrics or something, further cementing Tool's place in the gimmicky prog-rock "OMG SO DEEP LOL" field of shitty music. The fans freaked out and thought it had some significant meaning, which is pretty hilarious, seeing as the Fibonacci sequence has fuckall to do with musical composition. As if some stupid, meaningless lyrical phrasing is going to somehow make the words more meaningful or make the song not suck. Seriously, he could have used numbers from the phone book and it would be the same thing. In the end, Tool proved once more that they are a bunch of pretentious cocksuckers, Maynard's "songs" are shit and their fans are all gullible idiots.

Trivia

There's an hour of my life I'll never get back. Good god, this album fucking sucked.

• Even Maynard thinks his fans are retards.
• Their drummer is batshit insane.
• The only half-decent band Maynard contributed anything to were early 90's musical trolls, Green Jellÿ. Though he was featured in only one song, scientists theorize this is what lead to the band's breakup.

“	Danny then set up his drums into proportions utilizing the circle and square of the New Jerusalem and uttered a short prayer relating to the principles of the ace of swords from the book of Thoth. He then performed a ritual utilizing his new found knowledge of the unicursal hexagram to generate a pattern of movement in space relating to Fuller's vector equilibrium model. The resulting rhythm and gateway summoned a daemon he has contained within "the Lodge" that has been delivering short parables similar to passages within the Book of Lies	„
—LOL WUT

• Hardcore fans have been known to fap to pictures and videos of Maynard in drag made by the band . This project later became known as "A Perfect Circle."
• There are no female Tool fans, only the occasional dickgirl.
• The only remotely decent thing about tool is their open hatred for the anti-lulz that is Scientology.

Videos

Maynard back in the 80's

Maynard Fails It

Maynard and a fan fighting

Maynard is a butt hump'n cowboy

Trolling Tooltards

LOL WUT

Did you know that JewTube is a veritable cesspool of Tool fanatics who are easily angered? It's so easy; any 'ol fucktard can do it!!1!11. Simply copypasta your favorite part of the article above into the comments in any Tool vidia and watch as the lulz come pouring in! Every Tool video on JewTube has over 9000 ratings and ZOMG FIVESTARZZZ no matter how shitty the song or video quality. Toolfags troll the video messages defending their demi-gods from any and all criticisms, and you can set them off for something as little as making fun of Maynard's shirt or saying the word emo.

DO IT FAGGOT

Sample Trolling Copypastas - Use Wisely

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General:
This shit sucks. The band tries to sound sophisticated and philosophical, but they just come off as pseudo-intellectual retards who read too much and need to shut the fuck up, like every other emo stoner band.

What's worse is the fans, though. They act like Tool is some fucking mana from the heavens when it's really just a bunch of bullshit. There is no meaning to the lyrics; Maynard is just a baked retard who's usually too high on acid to even know he's singing.

Trolling live show videos:

Unlike most of you guys I was actually at this show, and I thought it was really boring. My friend liked it, but of course most tool fans have this feeling of "higher being" at Tool concerts, as Maynard is so fucking wasted on acid that he doesn't even realize he's playing a concert and basically just whines random sentences that fans somehow consider deep. Fans like him also like to think that the lyrics have a deep spiritual meaning only they can comprehend, which is hilariously pathetic.

Fans in general:

You Tool fans are so retarded. You over-analyze every last lyric or detail about the band ad absurdum, and think Tool members are Gods and Maynard is an alien that will lead them to salvation. in reality most of you are whiny angsty teenagers closely related to Emo kids, but are far more retarded, because unlike emo kids, you think you are actually intelligent for listening to Tool, whilst emo kids at least admit they're a bunch of fucktards.

Lateralus videos:

Wow Maynard put the first few numbers of the Fibonacci sequence into the number of syllables in this shitty song. IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF FUCKING NUMBERS! Seriously, he could have used numbers from the phone book and it would have been pretty much the same thing. Tool has proved once again that they are a bunch of pretentious cocksuckers, Maynard's "songs" are shit, and their fans are all gullible idiots

I'm in ur shit band's video...

...trollin' ur d00ds About missing Pics

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  He's right ya know.
• 
  A salvo of faggotry from the tooltards.
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  thank god they limit responses to 500 characters
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  Tool fans are racist. Now jam fucking packed with lulz!

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  "Back in 93 a lot of us were on acid"
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  Toolfans are familiar with copypasta remixes.
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  Assorted Faggotry. WOW! I guess people who listen to tool really are smart.
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  Me=WTF
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  Butthurt? In my JewTube channel?
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  Oh. So. Angry.
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  IS DAT SUM BUTTHURT?
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  I like seriously know Maynard!1!!11!
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  An interesting fact about tooltards; they will sometimes troll their own kind.
• 
  Recently, a high level spammer has been roaming YewTube posting "tool sucks" ad infinitum. At first he is welcomed only by 13yr fanboy rage...
• 
  Then teh hXc tooltards enter to show the teenie boppers what REAL tool obsession is by typing tl;dr comments until their fingers bleed.
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  'he-bitch' is a new one to me.
• 
  STOP WHINING!
• Pedowned
  Pedowned
• CRY SUMMOR!
  CRY SUMMOR!

Seven-Step Guide to Making a Tool Album

• 1) Find and scan a bunch of blotter art. This will be most of your album art, as well as your cover.
• 2) Look some famous gimmicky math equations up on Wikipedia and proceed to tell all of your fans.
• 3) Rip some time signatures from Yes or Rush, and steal the vocals style of Jethro Tull.
• 4) Whiny, nasal-y vocals about nothing in particular.
• 5) Whatever you do, don't include a track listing on your album like every other fucking band in existence. This is edgy and cool, and people really enjoy not knowing what they're paying for.
• 6) ????
• 7) Profit!

In Conclusion...

Tool is the biggest load of near-but-not-quite-emo bullshit ever, so stay the fuck away.

Next Album

Tool's next album(if it ever comes out) will be shitty just like the rest of the albums, the chances of another Tool album is very minuscule at best. They haven't released an album in over 11 years! As of recently there has been a another shitty artist that released a new album named "Tool$" and Google decided to troll the Tool fans by putting that album under the "albums" tab whenever you Google Tool. As you expect, Tool fans got all butthurt.

See Also

• Nu metal - The shitty poser metal genre which Tool spawned and are a part of
• Trent Reznor
• Pretentious
• Boring
• Angst
• Dream Theater
• Leftards
• Bill Hicks
• LaraLove
• Pennywise

Links

• Tool's website. Angsty teens only!
  
• Forum for pretentious Tool discussions.
  
• tool_lateralus Tool LJ community. Naturally, it's full of angsty teens.
• An article where Tool deny that they have a song called "Poopy the Clown".
• Support hating Tool on facebook.

Tool is part of a series on Music Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage.

Featured article August 16, 2010
Preceded by Taking Down ED	Tool	Succeeded by Ickeriss69