Sonic Youth

Lookin' sexy, Kim.

Just like Christians need a God, and whores need jizz clinging to their throats, the indiefucks need a leader to guide them to the highest levels of musical fucktardation. Enter Sonic Youth, the only thing more irritating than watching furries shove porcupine carcasses up their rotten shit canals. Their name comes from the combination of fellow indiefucks who only helped to make the music industry more painful for everyone.

Titanium Exposé

One day in the early 80's, a corpse named Kim Gordon and a Hipster douche named Thurston Moore were doing crack at the back of a children's community center, and decided to form a band where everything was out of tune, because it made them more 'unique' and 'indie'. They went through countless auditions to find bandmates, which was pretty easy, considering the density of stoners back then. They eventually recruited 2 more hipster douches, and settled on the name Sonic Youth, to convince themselves that they weren't stoned 30somethings. At some point, Kim and Thurston started banging each other, got married, and had a horribly deformed baby named 'Coco Haley Gordon Moore'. Ever since they had their abomination, they've been whoring her out to the media, forcing her to guest star on shit shows such as Gilmore Girls.

Kissability

Proving that Music Magazines do as much drugs as the average homeless person, every Sonic Youth album has received at least an 8 or 9 out of 10. Rolling Stone has been sucking their dick since '87, making it clear why they gave Green Day's new album 9/10. They have about 16 albums, each one extremely diverse and influential.

An artist's depiction of what happens when you listen to SY.

Wish Fulfillment

On July 4th 1999, early trolls (most likely SA Goons) raided Sonic Youth's tour bus and stole all their guitars, hindering them from playing music (because you know, playing with a standard acoustic guitar is SO difficult). Shortly after this happened, Lee made a bitch post on Usenet (found here), threatening whoever stole their equipment, and other lol statements. Upon hearing about this, the SY fan base underwent a major split, half mourning the loss of their shitty, beaten up instruments, while the other half saying that they had it coming.

This led to the band being extremely depressed, and their following album to be bashed into oblivion by ego-inflated critics (see: Pitchfork's lol 0.0 review). Around this time, the SA Goons decided to sell all the guitars on eBay, to make a massive profit. Ironically enough, SY bought back most of their guitars from them. It's likely they didn't file a lawsuit because they were far too hopped on mushrooms at the time. After recovering their instruments, SY went back to making albums, and continued to be the envy of drug users, hippies and indiefucks everywhere.

Two of their guitars later showed up in (gasp) worse condition than when they were stolen.

Expressway to Yr. Skull

ATTENTION SONIC YOUTH FANS - your uber cool heroes decided to make themselves relevant and cool again by making an album for Starbucksthe pretentious sell out corporate little whores, but lets face it, Kim Gordon might as well be a whore (TOO LATE, SHE ALREADY IS)~ BILLY MAYS, she looks like she's been selling her pooper for jenkem since she was spewed out of her mothers cunt.

External Links

• Sonic Youth's Google Groups page, circa 1994. WARNING: RELIC OF THE INTERNET.
• Sonic Youth's official site

Sonic Youth is part of a series on Music Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage.

Sonic Youth is part of a series on Independent Culture
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