Military Wives

Being part of the SS, Service Spouses, is the HARDEST job ever. The SS is group of honest, beautiful wives married to our great men that serve in the military. We must all thank military wives for the freedoms we enjoy. If you see a military wife, make sure that you thank her for all the ways she has serviced our country and protected our freedom.

(D)evolution of A Military Girl

Oddly enough, most military wives do not begin anywhere near their final form. In fact, they are typically encountered in juvenile form as a stripper in an entertainment club mysteriously located a short walk from the nearest military installation. It is unknown how or why such habitats began to exist near military installations, although it is theorized they emerged there to attract the attention of the junior enlisted. Nonetheless, the service member, upon discovery of the attractive form of the early military wife, will attempt to seduce this early form. When enticed by the fruits the military has to offer presented to them by said service member research believes these primitive forms are then able to select one of two forms to transform into. The first being that of a higher species or rapidly devolve into the military girl. It is unknown how or why they select either form.

How to Be A Military Girl

Can YOU sit on your fat ass, get an ugly piercing and a shit tattoo then take pictures of your double chin?

A wild dependapotamus appears!

Jill Valentine makes peace with Nemesis.

That's right, a military "girl", because as we know there are no women in the armed forces or none that actually do anything important. All wives of service members will instinctually claim themselves to be in a branch of service, but really they are just self-important whores. The typical military wife is the product of two types of behavior. The first is the homely girl no one wanted in high school discovering that the Army (or Marines) will take any untalented faggot to jump in front of a bullet; typically the kind of person with no standards. They spend long hours telling their friends how they just want to find a nice Army boy being on the constant look out for fresh high school graduates. Typically this type of military wife will eventually snag some virginal retard for the money and the bragging. He will just be amazed a woman is actually talking to him for once in his life and immediately plan to marry her. She will be too busy being a whore and eventually she will get pregnant, as all military wives are either in the process of getting pregnant (remember to go for the high score!) or birthing yet another unneeded child. If she manages to keep her legs closed often enough not to become an instant mother within the first four months of the relationship, she will marry him, enticed by money and the ability to put righteous troop-supporting bumper stickers on her Honda Civic.

The second type of military wife can claim to be more intelligent than the other because she is a crafty she-devil looking for money. These types of women never date NCOs (the stupid faggots who couldn't make it through community college ROTC) because they don't pull down the cash that officers do. They will move through a military base like a gook in Nam, constantly looking for anyone with bars or acorns on their shoulder to ambush. They usually congregate in officer's clubs, the secret treehouses of the military, for some twenty-three-year-old lieutenant too drunk to say no to the obvious trap he is about to fall into. The military wife-to-be will remind him many times about how she is on birth control and with great ease manipulate the future child support enrollee back to her lair. She will inevitably become pregnant and explain to the bullet-shitting officer that her doctor never told her that antibiotics make her a fertile loin to plow. Not wanting to jeopardize his career, the very fucked lieutenant will have no other choice but to marry her and put up with her bullshit.

Course of the Marriage

All military marriages end the same way. After five years, the wife will have either slept around with too many other guys and/or the next baby will be the wrong color. Arguments ensue and divorce is right around the corner. Should the wife fail to chase off her glorified wallet in the span of five years, she will pick some arbitrary reason for divorce and complain for six months about it. Regardless of the reason (i.e. not being around for the kids, not being there for her needs, or buying a motorcycle) she will immediately fight for custody so she can drain the war veteran of the money he lived long enough to collect so she can sit on her ass and continue to neglect her children. All military marriages end in divorce and/or murder. No exceptions.

Duties of Military Wives

The father is still amazed at how his sperm was able to survive in his military wife's vagina three months after he was deployed, and not impregnate her until then. Must have been in those booster shots the military is always giving him!

• Open legs, receive semen. Gallons of it.
• Cheat on spouse while deployed, with AT LEAST twenty different men.
• NOTHING
• Gossip
• Sleep with husband's best friend.
• Gain average of 10 lbs per year.
• Bring family into debt.
• Make up math/biology theories to explain how it is possible to get pregnant while husband is in another country.
• Join military wife-themed forums online.
• Try to explain to the kids that daddy kills people for a living.
• Spend an entire months pay on useless shit, then bitch about her husband not making enough money.
• Act like a total cunt.
• Make sure to scream "military wife is the toughest job" every chance you get.(As if being a sperm receptacle is hard)
• Act as if you should be put on a pedestal for having a husband that was stupid enough to get killed in combat.

Military Wives Online

One of the arbitrary duties of being a military wife is that it allows the time to talk to other military wives about how hard it is to be one.

Tag Chasers

Hard at work.

Being a military wife is such a noble goal that many young wimmins around the world make this their goal. Unlike less ambitious people who find a person they love and then marry them, these women first decide to marry a military man and trick the first one they can into marrying them. If this fails, they simply sleep with everyone of them, and steal their dog tags before slinking off the find their next victim.

They are known by fond terms such as "Tag Chaser", "Barracks Rat", "Military Mattress", "Barracks Bunny", "Dependapotamus" and "Tri-Care Holder Wanna Be". They can be seen lurking the bars nearest any military installation.

Warnings

As a military wife, the best thing you can hope for is that your husband gets killed and live off the government for the rest of your years on a nice check. The worst thing that can happen is that he actually survives an attack. As a warning, if you are caught cheating, there is a 100% chance your twice-deployed, PTSD-addled husband will go absolutely batshit and proceed to kill you.

As a military husband, never ever let your wife be exposed to 3D porn while you are away. It can cause pregnancy (documented).

Copypasta

Source(February 6, 2010):

Back in my early navy days (1980's) one of the corpsman I worked with was in a particularly good mood. Said, he met this girl at a dance club, they had a good time. He saw her for a few weeks then she wouldn't go out with him or talk to him.

13 months later he receives a court order for a blood test. After finding out he's a dad, he calls her and asks if she wants to get married. Her answer "No, I only wanted someone to pay for my baby and the bills and I knew you were in the military". Needless to say he has been paying every month and the daughter is a wreck.

At a recent Thanksgiving party, the guys are sitting around talking; I hear the usual "its cheaper to keep her" and then one of them says, women get training in how to rip-off a future x.

He was reading something like "family circle" while on the john, and there was an article telling women they should enroll their kids in piano lessons, ballet, etc a few months before they file, so they can get more for their child support.

If women weren't so easily manipulated by the media, it might be possible to have a decent relationship.

As quoted on one feminist site "men are atms with legs".

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See Also

• Military
• Ty Ziegel
• Kale
• I got married last weekend

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Featured article November 10, 2010
Preceded by Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger	Military Wives	Succeeded by Kale