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Gran Turismo

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Over a whole decade of the same damn thing.

Gran Turismo, also known as Not Forza Motorsport is basically the grandaddy of all modern racing games. The first game came out for the original PlayStation and was actually pretty groundbreaking for the time but every single one after that has just been the same exact shit but with more cars and tracks plus better graphics. The games have remained PlayStation exclusives since they first came out and they have pretty much been the only reason people still buy PlayStation consoles with the exception of the PS4 since the Xbox One ended up being a complete lolcow. Gran Turismo's main market rivals are Forza Motorsport and the fifty billion other sim racing games that have been flooding the market over the years.

The Games

Yeah, all of them. Except for the couple dozen Prologue games which are all so unfinished and shit that they're irrelevant.

Gran Turismo

  • Yes, it's the first fucking one.
  • Pretty revolutionary for it's time and it's a solid game. Nothing more, nothing less.

Gran Turismo 2

  • The exact same game as the first one but with extra cars and tracks.
  • The Espace F1 is pretty much the main reason you should get this one over the first game.
  • This entry is notorious for being rushed, with many bugs and glitches preventing players from getting 100% completion.

Gran Turismo 3 A-Spec:

  • HOLY SHIT PS2 ERA NOW!!!!ONE!!11!! BETTAR GRAPHIKZ!!!11!!!!
  • The A-Spec in the title means jack shit.
  • Again, it's the same exact game but actually with less content now thanks to the fucking generation gap between consoles.
  • The Espace is gone but at least the Escudo Pikes Peak is still in the game.

Gran Turismo 4

  • The exact same shit as 3 but with more cars and tracks. Starting to see a trend here?
  • Now with endurance races so you can race Nurburgring for 200 laps in one sitting because fuck all.
  • Also now with B-Spec mode so you can actually run races with an AI driver and reap all the benefits.
  • Famous for being the game that you left on overnight, overheating your PS2 so you could hoard uber-rare cars and sell them for monies.

Gran Turismo PSP

Gran Turismo 5

  • HOLY SHIT PSTRIPLE!!!11!! HD GRAPHICKZ OMG!!!!111ONE!!!11
  • Took them ten thousand years to make this game.
  • To make up for the generation gap they basically ported all of the PS2 cars over with no graphical updates.
  • That, alongside with the new uber-detailed cars and tracks make this game look extremely half assed.
  • You can only buy the PS2 cars at certain times.
  • Added full blown multiplayer which is fine except that all everyone wants to do is cruise and drag race as opposed to actually racing.
  • They added the Red Bull X2010 which is basically a car with perfect stats so it makes multiplayer pointless anyways.

Gran Turismo 6

  • Released shortly after 5 to try and fix all that game's bullshit.
  • It didn't. At least not entirely.
  • Most cars still look like complete shit and multiplayer is still full of garbage.
  • Career is so stripped down it can be beat in a fucking day.
  • The Red Bull is no longer the most overpowered car in in the game now that they added a Dodge that tops out at 400 MPH and corners just as well.

Gran Turismo Sport

Gran Turismo 7

  • TBA

The Cars

Unlike Forza which classes their cars by individual categories, GT only sorts it's cars by performance points meaning there isn't really such a thing as a bullshit overpowered car in each class, just bullshit overpowered cars in general. The franchise, especially GT6 has been known for putting in bullshit concept cars that perform obscenely better than their real life counterparts. GT6 is especially famous for having real cars upgradable to the point that they can break the 300 MPH barrier and not have any faults. That being said there is a shit ton of cars that are essentially useless after you get the best ones and it's not like Forza where there are a couple hatchbacks and shit that nobody ever drives. In GT, there's like fifty versions of the same exact fucking car and the only difference is that of region changes like left hand or right hand drive. In other words, the game is far more unbalanced than Forza in the fact that there is no actual balancing what so ever. Also take note that almost 99% of all the cars in GT sound like absolute shit since they haven't changed the sounds since the very first game. Here's a few of the cars you will find in the GT games:

  • Suzuki Escudo Pikes Peak: This was formerly one of the most batshit insane cars in the game until it was dumbed down in the later games. It's a hillclimb car with a huge ass spoiler that can be tuned to over 1000 HP and destroy anything that isn't an F1. Extra points granted for being ugly as shit and being able to do offroad races.
  • Renault Espace F1: Unfortunately this magnificent machine only appeared in GT2 and Polyphony Digital have complete faggots not to put it back. On the outside it's a banana yellow minivan with a big spoiler and flared out fenders, but it packs the underpinnings and the V10 engine of a F1 car and thus is the fastest way to take your kids to school ever. It's real too, not some fake ass concept that GT tends to use normally. Bask in it's glory.
  • Jay Leno's Tank Car: This car has zero reason to be in the game other than to block off roads and piss people off in multiplayer for the lulz. It's a giant chrome hot rod powered by the engine out of an Americunt Patton army tank and it's as long as a handegg field. Wedge the stupid thing into tight roads on city courses and watch the chaos ensue.
  • Benz Patent Motorwagen: This is the first car ever built. Seriously, look this shit up I'm not fucking with you. It has barely two horsepower, takes a calendar to measure it's zero to 60 time which it cannot physically do, let alone get to it's actual 10 MPH top speed, and you look like a fucking asspie when you drive it. But we wouldn't be where we are today without it.
  • Alfa Romeo TZ3 Stradale: An example of a car that was made so unbalanced that it's banned in almost every multiplayer lobby you can find. The TZ3, despite it being nothing more than a Viper wearing the skin of a dead Italian, can be tuned to break well over 300 MPH whereas the regular Viper cannot. Several dozen other cars are like this in GT6.
  • Ford GT40: This car is expensive as shit and relatively sub par performing. The only reason why people like the GT40 so much is that it's one of the few, if not the only car in the game that doesn't sound like complete shit.
  • Nike ONE: A car built by the shoe people. No shit. Theoretically this totally not a fucking TRON Legacy ripoff is powered by a suit that builds an electrical charge when you work out and do other fitness shit. So in other words, you have to run to places, just so you can drive your car to go to places. Also the way you sit in it makes you looks like you're going doggy style.
  • Red Bull X2010: This car was the product of of many countless hours of hard fucking between Adrian Newey and Sebastian Vettel to build a car to end all cars. The X2010 can take 90 degree turns at over 100 MPH and it sticks to the road like shit to a blanket, not to mention it tops out at over 260 MPH. The latest version of the car, the X2014, can top out at over 300 MPH and handle even better. This car is bullshit.
  • Chaparral 2X: It's a race car, or should I say another TRON Legacy reject powered by a fucking laser. A FUCKING LASER. While not as potent as the Red Bull, this shit can be power limited as much as possible and it will still break 240 MPH while being completely dead silent. Well, not really. It sounds more like tick tick tick tick ticktickticktickticiciciciciciciciciciciciciciciciciciciiciciiciciciicciiciciciciciiciciciciiciciciiciciciicicicici.......
  • SRT Tomahawk X: SRT is a division of Dodge, so yeah, this fucking thing is a Dodge. As if the Red Bull wasn't bullshit enough they took it even a step further with this unfeasible sack of shit. It's covered in fighter jet type fins allowing it to corner retardedly fast and it has a built in boost system that can push it to a top speed of over 400 MPH. Because fuck you that's why.

Career

You drive cars, beat the other cars, make monies, and then buy more cars. Rinse. Repeat. ????. Profit.

License Testing

But before you can progress to higher levels, GT makes you take license tests! A series of dumbass challenges that haven't changed since the game has first released which involve stopping in the designated space, dodging cones, or hitting them, and about 50 million time attacks. The first batch are fairly easy but International A and Super crank the bullshit up to obscene levels. If you fuck up once, you fail. In GT4, if you fail you get treated to Oh Yeah by Yello.

So literally:

  • Drive perfectly for the whole challenge. Fuck yea.
  • Final stretch, almost there!
  • Barely clip a cone with your rear bumper.
  • OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Endurance Races

These races are still fucking nightmarish. If a person can race a real car for hours on end and win overall, that's a pretty badass accomplishment. If a person sits in front of his TV for hours on end and wins overall, he's both a fucking fatass who can't walk without aid and now has fucked up vision for staring at his screen for so damn long. Real endurance racing is a physical and mental test. Endurance racing in GT is just how many energy drinks you can handle without losing control of the F1 you purposely bought just to have an unfair advantage. If you do win however, you get a rare car. It may be good or it may be shit. Doesn't matter, you'll probably sell it anyways.

B-Spec

For people who don't want to endure the eye strain that is actually doing an Endurance Race, or if you just don't give a shit about the game in general, try B-Spec. Introduced in GT4, it puts an AI driver in your place and the rest is history. This is the tried and true way to earn monies in GT: doing Endurance Races by running your console overnight on B-Spec and then wake up to an expensive ass car in your garage that you can sell. In GT5, they fucked this up completely and now B-Spec is it's own separate mode and you can't win prize cars more than once now. It was completely absent in GT6 until an update which brought it back, however GT6 has no big, high paying races so it's completely fucking useless.

Multiplayer

Multiplayer was introduced in full in GT5 and it hasn't changed much since GT6. Unlike Forza in which the race falls the fuck apart right at the first corner, no real racing goes on in GT multiplayer at all. All people want to do online is cruise on Le Mans and do 300 MPH drag races on Special Stage Route X. The rare races that do break out are almost always dirty NASCAR lobbies. On very rare occasions you may find a gem in which you get into a good lobby with people willing to race without any bullshit but those usually only have around five people join before the host disconnects and fucks up everything.

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