iPod

Apple supports goatse.(Are you suprised?)

A winner is iTunes when restoring iPod settings means everything gets BALEETED.

An iPod is the family of overpriced hipster jizzrags thrown together by the Apple Corp-to-tha-oration-izzle. What makes this family of overpriced hipster jizzrags different from other Apple jizzrags is that this family plays the MP3 files. Note: the files it plays are actually .m4ps, forcing you into a corner of buying Apple products for the rest of your life. Fun Fact: For every Money you spend on your iShit, you will spend another Money on accessories.

The original iPod could hold about 5 or 10 MP3s and was fragile enough to break when you looked at it funny. There is also the iPod shuffle that was released over 9,000 years ago and held about 1GB of songs and was small enough to fit in the ass before being sat on and broken. An elite few however are able to perform anal insertion with a standard size iPod. There was an iPod Touch released last August or something, which is basically the same thing as the buttsechsing iPhone. Avoid it.

It works with the program called iTunes that you and your family use to buy music files online and can only be played with the Apple. WTF? In addition to iTunes, it comes with extra software with special Windows features. You can also buy off an overpriced and pretty shitty list of pr0n and games. They are fucking useless, aside from the fact that you can likely troll people IRL with them.

The iPod has long been a subtle reference to white supremacy. Note the all-white skin, headphones, and a price only affordable by the Jew.

Andrewpants has been known to sell iPods over the internets. He'll give you the deal you can't refuse on an iPod. Speaking of which, you won't believe how much he paid me to say this! He's going to be stuck with a load of iPods, because the teenage nerds reading this will enter their zip codes for a free iPod Nano instead.

Warning! If you lose your iPod, you will have no choice but to kill yourself for some reason. That's just, like, the way the universe works, man. If you even break the screen, those assholes at the Apple store will charge you 300 bucks to fix it. Cheap huh?

All iPods come with a factory warranty, but it's guaranteed that as soon as your warranty expires, your iPod will fail. And if perchance your iPod fails before your warranty expires, you can always mail it in for a brand new iPod that will be shipped within 1 business week.

The iPod Shuffle

Apple shows concern for its core demographic.

Can you taste the sheer cool radiating off this Shuffle-owner?

The iPod Shuffle is exactly the same as a regular iPod, without any of the unique and sexy features of a standard iPod. It was simply a marketing ploy by some Jew working at Apple to get more money out of you. This bitch somehow thinks that people who already own an iPod are going to rush out and buy an iPod Shuffle, because "Random is hte wne rreod (The new order)". The great stupidity of an iPod Shuffle is that its main selling point is its shuffle feature. Note that every other iPod has a shuffle feature. And a screen. And more capacity. And more battery life. And more lulz.

In fact, the only thing the iPod Shuffle does have is an extra $50 spent on 2GB of memory that you could have gotten for only $10 for ANY OTHER MP3 PLAYER. This does not count the desire to bash your head repeatedly against the wall upon purchase.

Anyone who owns both an iPod and an iPod Shuffle is a fucktard who should be immediately thrown into a pit of batshit crazy anal raping goatses. Tyra Banks could work, but this has not yet been tested. Also note how the original iPod Shuffle looks like a tampon, and the new one like a condom wrapper.

The iPod Nano

The iPod Nano is Apple's replacement to the iPod Mini, which had a battery that went absolutely dead if you ran it out and recharged it more than once. The Nano is absolutely worthless in design. It sports a screen about the size of a quarter to view all of your favorite porn, see all of your album art on, and now even squint at your favorite four videos! As of the first iteration, the iPod Nano came in the iPod's original colors, then came in four new colors, and now comes in five newer colors. The 4-gigabyte iPod Nano is a fucking useless brick for what you pay for it. You can save money by ~~getting a cassette player~~ killing it with fire which is superior to the Nano in every way, yet the Nano sells over 9,000 units every day! Lulz!

The iPod Video

Eventually Apple realized that people wanted to watch pr0n on their iPod. So they created the iPod Video and released videos on iTunes, but since it only had certain movies like Pirates of the Caribbean, everyone just put their own pirated videos on it. After video support was included on the iPod Nano, they released the iPod Video again but called it the "iPod Classic". It was exactly the same as the Video but added a pointless image on the menu that took up half the screen and slowed down the iPod while you waited for it to load.

The iPod Touch

Congratulations, you have been selected to receive a free iPod Touch!

As of 2012, Apple has released the iPod Touch, a gimpy version of the iPhone which features everything but the phone and a portable version of Mac OS X. It's the latest piece of shit to be spewed out of Steve Jobs' loose asshole. It has been known to not work at all, be shipped without it's battery, be stolen, freeze up, come without software, and even refuse to download music (iRony?). The iPod Touch is constantly referred to as the "iTouch". This term is typically used by pedophiles and lazyass teenagers, and causes much rage amongst the mentally stable percentage of the human population. Apple fans proclaim this as being the best iPod ever, when really, they're just saying that to hide their shame that they own a shitty MP3 player and not an iPhone or one of the clearly superior 8-tracks or cassette players. The only people who actually use this crappy music player are those who jailbroke it. Jailbreaking in itself is fail, because half of the software to do so will brick your iPod Touch. After the warranty expires. Feuer uses one because he fucked up his computer, and he's a toolbag. Did I mention that its auto fill feature changes fuck into duck, and that it will drive you batshit insane when trying to type on this fucking page?

The iPad

Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse with the iPod Touch, Apple developed a new jizzrag, the iPad. The iPad is the exact same thing as the iPod Touch, but a thousand times larger and twelve billion pounds heavier. It still plays music, but again, it's fucking huge. So much for on the go. The starting price for these bricks is 600 dollars, so if you are stupid enough to buy one, we suggest you create a hoax to get enough money from reality shows.

The iPod is NO MP3-player

As we all know, the iPod is an MP3-player. Fact.

People who have iPods don't seem to think so, and they think it belongs in a whole other category of gadgets.

This strain of thought usually runs in two categories: one group who never says "I want to put this song on my MP3-player", but instead they like to replace the word MP3-player with iPod, because they're all n00bs. Old German books are full of iPod propaganda, these people probably have adapted a modern version of this. Also, adults who do not know how to internet and see you with headphones plugged into a fucking boombox, they know it is really an iPod.

While it IS possible to listen to mp3s on an iPod, you are required to use the super winsome software iTunes, which renames all your files to FAGZ.mp3 and other such variations, to deter from song-sharing. However, Apple does not want you to be without the muzak, so they supply a fan-tastic store on teh internets so you can pay 1,200% more for your songs while artists go broke and Steve Jobs shits on a solid gold ~~toilet~~ throne. Oh and you can't listen to them anywhere but your iPod. Car? Work? Upstairs? This is because iTunes music is in .m4p format which means "Media 4 Pricks". Note Apple's 1337 use of the numeral '4' in place of the word 'for'.

The second group of people would rather their iFail be used as the Swiss Army knife of penis size enhancers. They will go to any length, risk any breakage, to do things such as put Linux on their iPod so they can play Doom with the gay little click wheel and have a background picture of Stormy Daniels bending over for cawkage. But, their jailbreak efforts fail and leave them with a borked operating system, so they inevitably become an hero.

Both groups, needless to say, ~~fail~~ win more than a Mideastern whore with a STD.

White Headphones

It is generally accepted by those who own iPods that white headphones are the ultimate symbol of greatness and paying a shitload for just that. Anyone who does not use white headphones is probably a Nazi terrorist lesbian alien who should have rotten buffalo wings thrown in their general direction. In the case of those who do not own white headphones, the accusations are reversed. Thus, it is best for headphones to be abandoned at all cost, and psychic relations forged with iPods so as to hear the sweet, sweet music within. These headphones usually last from 1 hour to a week, the speaker usually blows out. They are a piece of shit. You can solve this problem by buying overpriced Sennheiser headphones that cost over 9,000 dollars.

Black iPods exist, but they also include white earphones. This is because Apple has a selective anti-black person policy. Good for them!

White Headphones and Black People

An excellent way to troll IRL is to wear white headphones with some shitty $5 Walkman. As thieves associate white headphones with iPods, they will then try to steal it. When they discover that what they have just stolen is worth over 9,000 dollars less than they thought it was, you will most likely be stabbed. Because some black iPods were made, some people referred to them as nigPods.

Care and Servicing

An iPod is the only thing your nuts can scratch. Be careful not to touch the iPod. Doing so will present you with a mystical tree. The tree has many leaves and you must pick one. One and only one, the correct one. The wrong one will unleash a cyber-virus that will infect your brain and kill you. This leaf will buy you enough time to get to the future doctor and have him swap your brain into a female body. Then, without nuts, you won't have to ever worry about scratching them or your iPod.

So You've Broken Your iPod?

Have you played your iPod? Looked at it? Opened the box you purchased it in? If so, it is now inoperable. Immediately purchase a new one. You are low on money? Steal some. Suck a dick if need be. Apple is not responsible for any damages that occur to your iPod, including damages that may be a result of Steve Jobs gleefully raping your anus with an iPhone.

iJacking

Thanks to NBC and Chris Hansen, the age-old mystery of what happens if someone leaves a boxed and unsecured iPod in public has been answered. Armed with ten thousand dollars worth of iPods, they set off across the United States in their Pedo's Winnebago to conduct their own experiment. This consisted of:

(1) Leaving an iPod in public.
(2) Recording the "theft".
(3) Tracking down the iPods.
(4) ????
(5) PROFIT!!!

Since Apple was unwilling to assist Dateline's staff with their iEntrapment and general assbaggery, NBC payed a spam haas, $40,000 (Real Jew Gold), to bundle some spyware with the included copy of iTunes; the experiment only caught thieves that happened to use the included version of iTunes and to supply their actual physical address.

Results: People do not have any reservations about taking iPods left in public because they are a commodity; iPods are ingots of hipster gold.