The Jewish Question

"The Jewish Question" is a meme that has been circulating the tubes since before there were even tubes to circulate in. It is beloved by everyone who would like to rid the Earth of International Jewry, but aren't allowed to express this perfectly reasonable proposal in today's Politically Correct hivemind of a society. It is said that even Hitler himself was asked this question at one point.

But what exactly is The Jewish Question? And, more importantly, what is the answer?

The Question and its answer

In essence, the Jewish Question is as follows:

	“	...think of the following use of language: I send someone shopping. I give him a slip marked 'five red apples'. He takes the slip to the shopkeeper, who opens the drawer marked 'apples', then he looks up the word 'red' in a table and finds a colour sample opposite it; then he says the series of cardinal numbers—I assume that he knows them by heart—up to the word 'five' and for each number he takes an apple of the same colour as the sample out of the drawer.—It is in this and similar ways that one operates with words—"But how does he know where and how he is to look up the word 'red' and what he is to do with the word 'five'?" Well, I assume that he acts as I have described. Explanations come to an end somewhere.—But what is the meaning of the word 'five'?	„
	—Ludwig Wittgenstein, Philosophical Investigations

And the answer is:

	“	Kill that fucking irritating Jew!	„
	—Hitler

Origins of the question

As he detailed in his celebrity tie-in book Mein Kampf, Hitler was at a school where there was a mild Jew infection consisting of just one fat, wriggling Jew larva. All boys were advised to take care to prevent contamination. Hitler later remembered: "At the Realschule I knew one Jewish boy. We were all on our guard in our relations with him, but only because his reticence and certain actions of his warned us to be discreet." This Jew-boy was Ludwig Wittgenstein, later to become the most influential philosopher of the 20th Century.

He vexed young Adi with such complicated brain-teasers and tricky riddles that little Adi developed a burning hatred for Wittgenstein. This was made worse when Hitler was kept back a year due to poor results and Wittgenstein was put forward a year due to knowing everything and hypnotising his teachers with Jew mentalism.

Wittgenstein left school a year ahead of Adolf and the two lost touch. Wittgenstein, the scheming Jew, went undercover, pretending to be a true German and fighting in the trenches of World War One.

	“	It seems to me as good as certain that we cannot get the upper hand against England. The English — the best race in the world — cannot lose! We, however, can lose and shall lose, if not this year then next year. The thought that our race is going to be beaten depresses me terribly, because I am completely German.	„
	—Wittgenstein volunteers for the Austro-Hungarian army, 25 October 1914

By this method, the Jew evaded Hitler's clutches for many years. Hitler (seen below) spent the entire war in the trenches, serving on behalf of the Fatherland, never suspecting that the Jew fought alongside him and was ready to stab the nation in the back.

But Adolf did not forget his old foe and intellectual sparring partner. He would be avenged. He would solve that question if it was the last thing he ever did.

Oh yes.

Proposed solution

Jews that fall from the shelves will be swept up and discarded immediately

Adolf started at the bottom, seizing power in a little-known political party and working his way up, up, up to become Chancellor of Germany. Now, with the entire state under his personal control, he launched a manhunt to find Wittgenstein and pwn his ass good.

But with Wittgenstein in hiding, what was a man to do? Adolf had what he thought would be The Perfect Solution.

There was only one thing for it. Round up every single Jew in the world. Starting with Europe. Even the women and children - this slippery Jew was a master of disguise. Just to be sure that each Jew had been eliminated as a suspect, they were tattooed with barcodes so they could be counted off easily by stock control operatives.

Alas, Adolf had over-estimated his ability to solve the Question, and was IRL B&. Or was he? Rumours persist that, like many of his Nazi pals, Hitler escaped to South America and lived out his days in frustrated anonymity, seething with fury at his failure to solve the Question put to him so many years ago. This is ironic, because it was exactly what Wittgenstein had done, having figured out with logic what Hitler would do: he emigrated to England, where he stayed undercover and masqueraded as a hospital porter for the rest of his life, only deeming it safe to publish the remainder of his life's work once he had died... of natural causes.

And that is why the Jewish Question remains unanswered... for now.

External links

What, you don't believe it? That's not even the half of it!

Other Jewish questions

• "Is it free?"
• "Can I get a discount?"
• "Did you see what Shila was wearing?"
• "Is he a doctor?"
• "Is he Jewish?"
• "Why don't you ever come over for dinner anymore?"
• "Do you take coupons?"
• "What do you mean I can't go in to the country club?"
• *unintelligible nasal sounds*?
• "What are you? Some sort of antisemite?"
• "You don't mind if I bulldoze your house, do you?"
• "Does my nose look big in this?"
• "Can you smell gas?"

See also

• Nazis
• Germany
• Holocaust
• Science
• Riddle Time
• Nerd rage
• World War Two

Featured article August 16 & 17 2016
Preceded by Sebastian Bosse	The Jewish Question	Succeeded by Rock Band