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Cloverfield

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This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT The Cloverfield monster kills Jason with his tail, its pubic lice bites Marlena who then blows up, and Hud gets eaten! The black person lives! Rob and Whatshertits also die, but it is left ambiguous! But where did this monster come from, you ask? Why, from the bottom of the sea. You see, the satellite that you see at the end of the movie actually woke the monster up on April 27th. It became angry and struck the drilling station above it and then swam to New York and attacked. At that point in time, which was May 22nd, black person threw a party because Rob was moving to Japan for a new career. He was going to work for Slusho!, a subsidiary of Tagruato, a mysterious company with questionable intentions. Slusho! uses a mysterious ingredient in their drinks that makes the buyer euphoric. It's the monster's sperm. There are several theories on how exactly Tagruato found said Monster. Did they create it somehow, and they're hiding it from the rest of the world as a sort of weapon, or are they blissfully unaware of what exactly they're messing with? Why did the Monster decide to go all the way to New York? Was it in West Philadelphia born and raised, the playground is where I spent most of my days...Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school? Or was it always alone? Why is it looking for its mother? In fact, how big is it's mother and where exactly is she hiding? What is the Cloverfield monster's gender? Is there something that can be done, or are we indeed too late? Perhaps it is related to Godzilla or the Old Ones? Did the Monster really die in the end? Or did it swim back in the water!!!1

tl;dr: Cloverfield sucks.

A date which will live in infamy.
Brutal honesty.
HOLY SHIT! IF YOU ZOOM IN AT THE END OF THE MOVIE YOU CAN SEE THE MONSTER BEHIND THEM! (This, again, is a real one)
The Cloverfield monster firin' its lazer.
Bitches don't know about my Slusho.
Cloverfield opens in China with a giant headless Lady Liberty. Everyone laughs at stupid democlatic Amelicans, ching chong chow.
Look! It's Teddie! He's really in the movie for three seconds! WHO FUCKING CARES?


So..uh...I herd some things...
The sequel, Gloverfield: Electric Boogaloo, coming out in 2012.

Cloverfailed (Cloverfield) is a nice, short and uncomplicated little horror movie.

Right? Wrong.

An oh-so-mysterious teaser trailer came up during showings of Transformers. Most viewers jizzed their pants in awe and wonderment. The trailer was followed by the finding of numerous fake websites and MySpace accounts representing the institutions and characters from the movie. Fanboys soon gleefully shoved their left hands down their pants and 'researched' and created 'theories' with their right ones. Many thought it would become the big hit movie of the year. Others thought it could become America's Godzilla. Some claimed it could cure cancer, uphold the Rapture, and beat Chuck Norris in an arm wrestling match.

And then the movie came out.

Pure and utter shit. Cloverfield had a plotline that would make Voyager's writing staff facepalm so hard that they embedded their head in the wall behind them, along with a shitpile of teaser blogs and bad flash sites that make Doctor Who's "Vote Saxon" campaign look restrained, and crowbarring it all into sixty minutes of running and crying. Audiences booed and RAEGed over what they assumed would be a decent movie. They promptly did the smart thing and forgot it existed. Unfortunately, it has not yet been put in its grave as fantards continue to masturbate over every little detail that is completely insignificant to real life. While everyone has moved on to next big 'OMG First Person Perspective DUR HURR HURR' movie, Cloverfags are still shitting their pants and are trying to pause-frame the extra footage in the special edition Amazon-only Blu-ray release in a fail attempt to understand what everything is about.

If you manage to be annoyed by all the Cloverfaggotry, look at the bright side: it does have some awesome special effects, and maybe you could bring someone you hate along so they can vomit to its 'authentic' shaky cam effects!

The "Plot"

tl;dr: They die.

OMFG SPOILERS

As we all know it starts with a party and shit goes downhill as the evil monster starts fucking NY without lube.

The monster reeks of Zerg and in fact it zergrushes NY by dropping fuckloads of parasites. The acting is ok.

The whole viral shit with Slusho and whatnot is just plain shit. You don't learn anything about the monster and how it happened to exist. You don't even see the monster in total. You get some good aerial shots and when the camera dude gets eaten. The monster drops kind of small "parasites" that look like a mix of Starship trooper bugs and zerg and some other shit (ZERGRUSH!!!!!).

Hud (The Camera guy) talks about setting homeless on fire in the subway tunnels. This depressed chick gets attacked and injured by one of the the parasites (they can walk on ceilings). As they reach a provisional military base/field hospital the chick starts feeling shit and her eye is bleeding and 2 guys in ABC suits grab her and you see her bursting apart through a tent wall. Personnel is yelling WE GOT A BITE or something like that as they see the chick. One can see a dead specimen of the parasites in a glass tank/storage container.

They talk to some nigger and he explains where and when the last evacuation choppers leave. Rob, the black chick and the camera dude go to Beth's apartment where she is kinda impaled on a metal pole. They lift her off it and she seems to be fine rather quick, even though she spent some time impaled and bleeding (she's even able to run).

They get the fuck out of there and some more parasites are around and someone kills a parasite with an axe.

I think the black chick gets rescued at 6 am, when the last evacuation choppers are taking off. Beth and Rob take a separate chopper. After an unsuccessful bombing the monster retaliates and, as it seams, eats a part of the chopper. Rob, Beth and the camera dude, HUD, survive. The monster is around and eats/attacks HUD (it's kinda stupid that such a huge beast bothers to kill a single human after staring at it for a while). Parts of him fall to the ground and Rob picks up the camera.

Beth and Rob seek cover and cry and shit like that.

Beth and Rob die (at least I assume, coz they get covered with debris when hiding under a bridge at 6:42 am) at the end when Manhattan gets bombed.

I farted a few times during the movie.

I added a sketch with details I remembered. Boss Nigger had backwards elbows, walking on its feet and hands. I remember a weird upwards pointed lower jaw, a short head with a kind of very-light redish sacks on each side of the head. It seemed to have at least one pair of extra arms on its chest. It had at least one tail. The colour was gray/light brown. The claws were awkwardly long.

(I have no fucking memory of how the hind legs look, but they may be longer)

Sometimes it looked like a tripod, sometimes almost humanoid, and as you see a foot stomping a tank, the foot is kinda backwards, like the alien exoskeletons in ID4 back in days.

Maybe the shot was just misleading or I didn't recognize it properly

The movie leaves you with the expectation to see a sequel or something like that, because otherwise it doesn't make much sense.

1. No explanation on what the monster is or where it comes from.

2. Missing connection to Slusho or anything else Jason, the first fuck to get killed, is wearing a slusho shirt, it was the brand of the slushie company in J.J Abrahms' old show Alias. Plus, it's just the working title, as is the actual title, named after the street outside of the film studio.

3. The 'tape' we get to see got recovered, so there must be some shit going on afterwards.

4.At the end of the credits (after the fucking epic score), there is a random whisper, rumored to say "It's still alive" when reversed, it's one resilient motherfucker.


Watch it, it's kinda ok, but I must say I left the cinema a bit frustrated. Also, I am one of those faggots who scoffs at action movies for having no substance, which is totally unexpected and makes a bad movie.

Memorable Quotes

Cloverfield is one of those movies people will quote for years, like Pulp Fiction, Fight Club or Star Wars. Here are a few quotes, worthy of the Bard himself:

  • "OH MAH GAWD, OH MAH GAWD, OH MAH GAWD!!!"
  • "Dude, Rob, bro, what was--Dude!"
  • "Oh shit, dude run, dude!"
  • "MOVE MOVE MOVE!" (Also, at various times, "GO GO GO!" is fine too)
  • "What is it!? WHAT IS IT!?"
  • "It's a terrible thing."
  • "ALL YOU PEOPLE WANT IS MOAR MOAR MOAR-"

An actual person reviewing the movie's 'quality' and in quotes:

"If you watched it on the big screen you would have gotten a headache and motion sickness. That's one of the reasons I'm so prejudiced against it. It made me want to throw up. But I agree, if they took a different angle, the whole "monster attacking New York" thing could have been modernized very nicely. Unfortunately, like you said, it had no ending. And I don't think they ever explained why the monster was attacking or where it came from in the first place, did it? (I was trying too hard not to be sick, maybe it did and I didn't notice.) But I just assumed it must have attacked for the lulz. The characters sucked and the character motivation sucked. I mean, seriously, the guy just figures out how to work a fucking camera and he's going to film the whole damn thing? C'mon, like that would happen in real life. Any person who wasn't retarded or particularly suicidal would put down the damn camera and haul ass out of there. Speaking of hauling ass out of there, why would they follow that guy to get that girl in the first place? Especially that one chick (Marlaina, I think?). She even said exclusively that she didn't really know anyone at that party so what skin is it off her nose if they want to go find some other girl? I don't know about you but I would not run around trying to save someone I don't know, who's probably already dead if a giant monster was attacking the city. I would have been long gone in one of the helicopters. But I did laugh when the camera guy got eaten. But then it ended so suddenly after that my mind was a mixture between, "Finally, now I just have to get out of this theater without vomiting" and "Seriously? That's IT? What the hell kind of stupid ass ending is THAT? That was even dumber than the Blair Witch Project!" And it basically was the Blair Witch Project meets Godzilla meets the Anti-lulz."

Working Titles

  • The Dump
  • Chocolate Rain. (Some stay dry and others feel the pain.)
  • Slusho!
  • Epic Movie
  • Amazing Marketing Campaign With Failed Shitty Movie: Works Every Time

The Japanese Ruin Everything

Japan has an exclusive four part manga called Kishin that gives Tagruato some backplot and more porn for Clovertards to masturbate to.

  1. Japanese fisherman has flashbacks of being beaten up in school.
  2. Snap back to the present day.
  3. Loli, tits, bondage, guys with long flowing hair and huge robes and shoulder pads.
  4. Monster attacks Japan. (If that's the case, then wouldn't they have been more prepared for when it attacks New York, you now, just in case?

Trolling Cloverfags

Cloverfags like to hang out on blogs where they engage in their favorite activities:

  1. Roleplaying
  2. Setting each other cryptic puzzles to prove what magnificent e-detectives they all are.
  3. Crying "HALP I NO SPEEK JAPANEEZ"...or screaming about how the manga is not canon OMG.
  4. Arguing over increasingly convoluted plot analysis.

This is serious business, and all of them have poured much of their unfortunate lives into taking every little detail/easter egg and blowing it severely out of proportion. For this reason, they're rather easy to troll.

  • Give them some sort of cipher or password related puzzle to solve that has no solution. They'll play forever.
  • Point out that the director has said in an interview that the monster dies. This will enrage them, because they ALL sat through a twelve minute long end credit roll just to hear a random sound sample at the end which is alleged to say "IT'S STILL ALIVE" When you play it backwards. We're not making this up.
  • Tell them you haven't seen it because it's obviously just a rip off of Blair Witch Project from the way the camera is filmed.
  • Point out that it's only a movie.
  • Insist that it's an alien, or not an alien or Cthulu - SOMEONE will get pissed off that you doubt their pet theory.

External Links


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