Hayao Miyazaki

Hayao Miyazaki is an old, AZN film director and manga artist from glorious Nippon. It's been argued that he's the greatest filmmaker of our time, having created and directed multiple award-winning animated films. However, anyone who holds that opinion is mostly likely a closeted weeaboo. It should be noted, though, that unlike most anime, 3/4 of his films feature female protagonists (which is weird, because Japan and misogyny go hand-in-hand). He is also known for being anal about detail and believability in his animation; whether it be describing the graceful fluidity of a falling dragon, air pirates engaging in dogfights, or a goat-headed god getting its fucking head cut off.

Recently, Miyazaki has been in the news for creating lulz, first with his 2013 film The Wind Rises, and more recently in an article in The Guardian pointing out that the folks at Charlie Hebdo were all asking for it.

Humble Beginnings

Miyazaki got his start working at Toei Animation on cookie-cutter kawaii animu movies like Animal Treasure Island, Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, and Puss in Boots. Not wanting to look like a raging faggot, he left and joined A Pro Animation, where he directed some Lupin III episodes.

A historic event occurred, however, when he directed The Castle of Cagliostro (that one Lupin III movie nobody even remembers). A few years after it was released, Miyazaki and gang were shipped to Disney Animation Studios so the nerds could marvel at how those Chinamen sure could draw real good. See, up until the late 70's, nobody outside of Japan gave a shit about anime, but that was about to change (unfortunately).

For among the fat, sweaty masses of animators was an impressionable young lad named John Lasseter. He would go on to become one of the head honchos of Pixar, Miyazaki's number one fanboy and permanent cocksucker. But that is a tale for another day.

Noteworthy Films

Thanks to the string-pulling of the aforementioned Lasseter, everyone on Earth has, at some point, been subjected to a Miyazaki film. This is due entirely to the fact that ol' John decided to make a deal with Studio Ghibli and made Disney the official distributor for his films. Not only are they the distributors, but they are also the ones responsible for dubbing. And as we all know, dubbing does not in any way alter the original meaning of the message.

Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind

In 1984, Miyazaki released Nausicaä, a film about a princess living in the post-apocalypse. Sounds kickass, right? WRONG!!! Another kingdom plans on using an ancient weapon of mass destruction to purge the world of a race of giant bugs, and she has to stop it. SJWs love this film because it's about feminism and girl power, and hippies love it because it's about protecting nature. This was Miyazaki's first major success as a filmmaker, and the profits from it went on to help him establish Studio Ghibli.

My FUCKING Neighbor Totoro

This is, without a doubt, Miyazaki's most popular film of all fucking time. You can't swing a cat (or, indeed, a Catbus) without knocking it into some fatty weeaboo wearing a Totoro shirt. Released in 1988, Miyazaki probably had no idea what he was about to unleash. Yet another film with the same damn ecology theme, but this time it's about two young girls who move out into the remote countryside with their father (oh shi-). BUT WAIT, they also meet a mysterious spirit of the forest called "Totoro", and go on gay, tree-hugging adventures. The credits roll with the girls riding inside a giant cat that is also a bus to the most adorably obnoxious theme song. This film probably inspired many furries to give in and succumb to their sick fantasies. After all, wouldn't you like to be visited by a giant, grinning, furry beast in the middle of the night?

FUN FACT: In a few scenes in the beginning, there are small, black dustbunnies with eyes scurrying about the house. In Japanese, they're called "makkuro kurosuke" (literally translated to "pitch-black blackie"). In the moonspeak version, the two girls shout "Makkuro kurosuke, come out! Or we'll poke your eyeballs out!" The English dub changed this because it was too politically incorrect, ROR!!!

Princess Mononoke

Exact same thing as Nausicaä, like I'm not even fucking with you. Only difference is that this time there's this bitch named Lady Eboshi who runs a shitty little town full of AIDS and lepers. Having royally pissed off some gods by clear-cutting the forests, she decides to start mass-producing guns and destroy moar forests. She then goes full retard and blows off the head of the Forest Spirit. Crazy shit goes down.

Spirited Away

A 10-year old girl is forced to work in a bathhouse for the spirits in order to save her parents from being eaten! Fortunately, a shota river spirit named Haku helps her survive. HOLY SHIT, it's not about ecology for once!!! Oh wait, yes it fucking is (spoilers, you're not supposed to learn that Haku was the lost spirit of a polluted river until the very end! Whoops!). At first, you might think this film is nothing more than the adventures of a young girl trying to survive in a strange world. Well, you're wrong. This is, in fact, a thinly-veiled metaphor about pedophiles and how not to get raeped. Miyazaki deliberately threw in some subtle, creepy images, like a fucking radish spirit smiling lasciviously at the 10-year old. Japanese audiences probably got it (being swamped in pedo culture), but for the rest of the Pocky-munching, lolita-dress-wearing masses, it sailed right over their greasy heads.

This was released in 2001, and this was the first time Disney really jumped on the Studio Ghibli bandwagon: they asked John Lasseter to supervise the English-language translation for American release. Oh, he released, alright.

The Wind Rises

Based loosely on the life of Jiro Horikoshi, the genius who designed many of the kamikaze planes Japan used in WWII. Released in 2013, Miyazaki claimed this would be his last film. At last, we've come to a film that's not about fucking nature. Instead, it's about planes, which is said to make the director more erect than the Tokyo Tower (no, srsly).

Last Thursday, the film caused massive butthurt from all sides: Liberals in Japan were pissed that a warplane engineer was the protagonist, while nationalists BAWWWed over an article Miyazaki had published that criticized the proposal by the conservative Lib. Dem. Party to change the Constitution of Japan. In an article in Asahi Shimbun, Miyazaki said he had "very complex feelings" about WWII since, as a pacifist, he felt militarist Japan had acted out of "foolish arrogance". Regardless, he ended up having the last laugh because the film got a shit ton of awards and accolades.

Unlike the *real* Totoro, this one lives in a white van.

Miyazaki Fans

Studio Ghibli has attracted millions of fans from all over the world. Like small insects or perhaps sea sponges, they share a collective intelligence. Unfortunately, the only thoughts that ever sputter into existence are "Omg Totoro!!! ^_____<" and "Haku is soooo bishie i want a seqeul orz" Needless to say, they are willing to shell out thousands of dollars to purchase their gay weeaboo toys, coffee mugs, what have you. Some are even willing to pay a few thousand more to go to the GHIBLI MUSEUM!!1 located in Mitaka, Tokyo. Here you can wander around the various exhibits, look at concept artwork for each film, and watch the films in a private theater. However, be aware that you'll be the only white person there, and everyone will point and laugh at you for having spent your entire college fund just to putz around a museum gift shop for 30 minutes.

Unlike other anime fans, Miyazaki fans pride themselves on being above that shit, since technically it's not "anime", therefore they have taste. However, this doesn't excuse them from the fact that they own over 9000 plush toys and posters of a damn googly-eyed monstrocity. Some extreme fans will only watch Studio Ghibli's films in Japanese, as the translations will be more "pure".

As was previously stated, John Lasseter is Miyazaki's (or Miyazaki-sama, as he calls him, god what a tool) number one fan. Having spent a good chunk of his career slapping the Disney sticker on the hard work of someone much more talented than him, it's no surprise, really. Lasseter would do anything for Miyazaki. And I mean anything.

Pearls of Wisdom

	“	We get strength and encouragement from watching children.	„
	— Uh huh, why don't you take a seat over there?

	“	I look forward to when developers go bankrupt, Japan gets poorer and wild grasses take over.	„
	—Hayao Miyazaki, wishing for the collapse of modern society.

	“	Watching John Lasseter's films, I think I can understand better than anyone that what he's doing, is going straight ahead with his vision and working really hard to get that vision into film form.	„
	—Notice how he didn't say that vision was GOOD.

	“	In order to grow your audience, you must betray their expectations.	„
	—Yeah, so FUCK YOU. Someday you'll thank me!

	“	Those who identify as 'otaku', they sicken me deeply.	„
	—Miyazaki, speaking the truth.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Gallery of Shame

About missing Pics

Cockmongler, is that you??
Jesus Christ, somebody help the poor man!
Hayao Miyazaki, alienating himself from his countrymen.
"Yeah, fuck pedophiles! I never did anything to instill that behavior in my audiences!"
Wow, only a giant faggot would have-
... that.
The closest you'll ever get to Studio Ghibli Rule 34.