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NeoPets
Neopets is that thing your one really retarded friend is into. Since 1999(or at least 100 years ago!!!), the site has been feeding off of basement-dwellers. It is played almost exclusively by 16 year old girls, 8 year old girls, Stalin, pedophiles, furries, autistic people, rapists and your retarded friend. It's no coincidence that every single Neopet looks like some rectally induced confectionery concealed in a bag of shit.
Concept
It is similar in both concept and inexplicable popularity among dumbass kids as Pokemon, but instead of being a shitty gameboy game, it's a shitty Geocities-quality advertisement for McDonald's, and instead of cockbattling monsters, you buy them combs and shit, which are actually just GIF files. Why can't people just go read a good book or something?
When not bombarding kids with ads (for eBay, sugary cereal, fast food, cartoons, merchandise, and porn) it is subliminally recruiting them to serve our alien overlords to help them exorcise our Thetans and live in peace on planet Teegeack.
They will also suck your money from you at a cost of $8 a month, or $70 a year, to help get rid of ads, but they shall continue to advertise themselves on TV, therefore disowning their own pledge to their players, turning into nasty, cock-sucking, money-hungry bitches.
Lastly, no one knows where to put the internal capitalization in any of the NeoWords on NeoPets.
Wielding the Banhammer
The Neopets staff wield the banhammer like Nazis and users can quickly find their accounts frozen for no real apparent reason at any given time. Breaking a tiny rule that was hidden away in a past editorial, or being really good at a shitty childrens game can cause people to report you for cheating. Even uploading a video on YouTube with your username in it are among the many reasons the staff can ban the shit out of a 12 year old.
Once frozen, you face a barrage of automated replies from Neopets help bots, often never relating to the real reason you were frozen. Somewhere down the line, a reply will be given saying your account has been "inactive for too long, it can't be returned". The site is littered with cookie grabbers, auto-buyers, and scammers anyway. Neopets has even been known to freeze for things such as existing. Humorously they often have nude faeries in their artwork and have ads on every inch of the page for porn and dating sites--ironically against the rules.
Care
Neopets, unlike real pets and children, need to be fed and taken care of (sort of . . . they can stay "dying of hunger" forever, unfortunately). This is true even beyond the grave so when writing a suicide note make sure that you include instructions for how to care for your Neopets. Make sure to be a responsible and caring person like Charceo, and tell your bff to take care of your Neopets before killing yourself. That way, even if you're just kidding like Charceo, people will know how like totally serious you were.
Neopets recently became 5X more awesome (read: barely considerable to play) when it became a Net Authority violator on utter bullshit charges (read: nothing), thus completely stripping Net Authority of its last vestiges of credibility.
Characters
Artists for this website are actually hired to draw all types of hero and villain characters for plots that the users can interact in, trading cards, shopkeepers for shops, etc.
The artists unknowingly cause themselves uber loss of dignity with the shit they draw and call art.
The "villains" aren't really villains at all. Perhaps it's the large eyes or the furry face. No, that couldn't possibly be the reason why they aren't considered scary or threatening, amirite? With villainous names such as "Sloth", fear should strike your heart instantly. After all, what could be scarier than some guy trying to take over the world and failing miserably? He was DOING IT WRONG.
The "heroes" (not to be confused with an heroes) are really just nothing more than fuzzy sword-wielding animals on two legs. Your mom would like nothing more than to be saved by a furry dude wearing shiny armor and riding a horsey. Because that is OMFGHOTT!!!!!1111
You actually can't own a virtual hero or villain, so who gives a fuck?
Neoboards
The Neoboards are split into different sections including:
- The Official Neopets Team Message Board, where nothing is ever posted.
- Neopia's Style Showdown, where 8-year-old girls and gay men talk about 'Neopian style'.
- Avatars/Signatures, where off-topic messages get modded within one hour and noobs beg for pixel items/pets in order to obtain yet another worthless 50x50 gif.
- Battledome, where furry abuse is performed and is serious business.
- Beauty Contest, full of attention whores and 5 year old girls claiming to be "artists".
- Evil Thing and Monster Sightings, full of 13 year old emo faggots arguing whether My Chemical Romance or Tokio Hotel is a better band.
- Fan Clubs, A place where you can discuss your favorite neopets.
Have a favourite pet? Petpet? Item? Discuss it here!
Of the now, the FC is just a place for boring scenefags who think they're good at trolling, and the occasional sighting of the classic troll/chatter. Self professed queens of "/fc/" pop up, it is a steaming pile of fag all around, really.
- Merchandising, where 16 year old girls can talk about their over-priced made-in-china plushie they bought at Limited Too.
- Neopets Trading Card Game, filled with animu geeks that got tired of their Pokemon and Yu-Gay-Oh! cards and decided to invest in cards with pictures of colorful anthro pixel pets and items with made-up names
- Games, where people well over 18 come to complain about how they got unjustly frozen for cheating and many other things, and fags go to gloat about their newest obviously cheated trophy.
- Help, filled with virgins who care about Neopets.
- Newbies, the best of the boards having donated six million threads about Twilight, Inuyasha and its related ilk, rape, boys, puberty, AIM, ghost stories, and other random crap.
- Other Worlds, full of elitist literate faggots that think they're better than the average gaymer, and 9 year olds arguing whether Jelly World is real or not (it is).
- Roleplaying (RP), which is full of Inuyasha, fangirls, High School (Not High School Musical, but actual high school.), fags, along with vampire or teens-injected-with-animal-DNA roleplays involving Mary-Sue characters created by emo fags with no originality. These "original" characters tend to be "goffic" or "badass" due to their trenchcoats and/or combat boots. Typical descriptions for said character contain unnecessary details about this person's past and how they angst about being almost raped during their childhood. Don't be surprised if lyrics from shit bands such as My Chemical Romance and Linkin Park appear in the posts to somehow describe just how emo or troubled the character is. Many young children learn to fap here, due to M@ting season wolf roleplays.
- Neopian Writers, whose inhabitants are either pompous, Grammar Nazi control freaks, stupid lolcows who want their work "seriously critiqued", and trolls. It is 98% trolls. Also, there is no such thing as spam. THE NW IS ON TOPIC. The sad thing is that some of these people are actually talented writers, but choose to waste their talent writing fics about their pets or some of Neopets' many gay characters.
- Virtupets, teeming with people like you who've got nothing better to do than to eat Pocky in front of your computer while stalking the boards in search of an interesting topic.
And a bunch of other random shit that no one cares about.
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Typical post on the Neoboards. -
Being 13 is scary, but rewarding! -
Social outcasts gather on Neopets for support. -
Serious moral dilemmas can be discussed on Neopets. -
LOL WUT -
Neopets admins are bigots -
Make sure you take good care of your pixles. -
A typical day on the Neoboards.
If one's post about what they should name their purple pixel cat is to be taken seriously, your Neopets account must be over five months old (or around that, Neopet players are so fucking fickle). This way, all the other users know you are not a 'n00b' and can rest assured that you will not hesitate to flood their inboxes with requests for Neopoints and paint brushes bcuz dats soooo annoying omg. On Neopets, the longer you've been playing a children's game about virtual furries, the higher 'status' you attain in eyes of fellow Neopians. For example, on a board that's topic is which is the better band (let's say Fallout Boy or The Arcade Fire), the poster with the oldest account automatically ends the argument by posting their opinion on the matter (u all svck, death cab 4 cutie rools!11!). Some boards offer prizes to the poster with the oldest account. There is even an entire fucking webpage listing active Neopet users whose accounts are the oldest (over TEN years, Jesus Christ). Playing an online game for over ten years where you can dress up your rainbow colored, talking dragon in pink dresses is really something to be proud of and something everyone should strive for.
Typically, the older accounts belong to people well over 18. These users are not afraid to voice their age on their profiles so the 12-year old users give them RESPECT.
Neopian Times
Neopets brought fail to a whole new level with their digital Neopian News. Artists and writers sprint to submit their work to this newspaper in hopes of being efamous. Below are the examples of what can be found.
- Archives- The past fail news are kept here. There are over 9000 to be found, so don't bother looking.
- Articles- Here, people talk about how they got at least 100 points in Kacheek Seek, or about how Jelly World IS REAL AND NOT FAKE U GUIZ Serious business. They also talk about how sad it is to abandon or starve your beloved digital pet, so come here if you need a quick dose of lulz.
- Editorials- This is where Neopian failures come to complain about glitches in the website, not getting an item, etc etc etc and receive rude replies from the staff. Also a place the staff tries to imitate memes and fails horribly at.
—Neopian Times Failure | ||
- Comics- This is where artists submit their work to be admired by. Most of them are bad ones made in MS paint in 1 minute with shitty jokes, or good art with horrible jokes. There is no in between.
Trolling
It should be known that the Neopets boards are arguably the best place for a young, aspiring troll to train, considering the amount of young, inexperienced internet users on the site. Trolls need to take extra special care when wording their topics, since the moderators have a penchant for banning everyone and anything. Meaning, the use of euphemisms in your copypasta is a must. It is easy to troll the common folk of the site, but remember: to truly get EPIC lulz, persistence is key. Just don't get your ass banned unless it's called for, 'cause where's the fun in that?
1. Make an account
2. Go to boards
3. Tell everyone who will listen that NeoPets was better before, even if you have no idea what's changed.
4. Correct some grammar.
5. ???
6. PROFIT!!!
Jumping on the Internet Bandwagon
Sometime during 2010/2011 Neopets released a new storyline for everyone to participate in. In an effort to stay family and kid friendly, they named some their chapters after well known memes.
- A Winner Is You!
- Son, I Am Disappoint
- Never Gonna Shut You Up, Never Gonna Quiet You Down
- You're Doing It Wrong
- Over 9000
This act seems quite hypocritical, as Neopets HAETS 4chan and bans anyone for mentioning it or any memes on the forums.
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Yup, they definitely know about memes.
Someone Please Think of the Children! :*(
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Typical Newbie Board Discussion -
When Neopets owners around the world are awakened to the Internet -
Serious fucking business. -
Neopets is serious fucking business -
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Hannah Fucktana in NeoPets. Almost ALWAYS talked about. -
Yet another fail on Neopets. And to make even moar of a fail, he posted his picture.
Connection to $cientology
Nobody knows what exactly Scientologists plan on doing with Neopets.com. Doug Donut, total Scientologist tool and owner of Neopets, says,
—[1] |
In other words, he recognizes L. Ron's ingenious business strategy of making people think they need to buy at least 100 different pieces of shit in order to make themselves happy. The only difference is L. Ron did this with adults and Doug Donut did this with 9 year old girls.
Neopets hasn't targeted their weak minded adherents to join the church yet, however conversion to Scientology is mandatory for Neopets employees if they want to be promoted[2] .
—Former Neopets slave | ||
Needless to say, if you applied for a job at Neopets, you already lost the game.
NeoPorn
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Raukue lieks mudkips -
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See Also
External links
- Neopets - If you want a link to the Neopets website, you are the scum of the Earth. Just fucking Google it.
- Fuck Neopets - A "fan" site made by Onideus Mad Hatter after getting frozen for making people butthurt on the premium boards (or so he claims).
- [3] - A terrorist's pet page.
| NeoPets is part of a Series on Cyberpets |
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NeoPets is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
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NeoPets is part of a series on Visit the Furfaggotry Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article October 17, 2005 | ||
| Preceded by Hotornot |
NeoPets | Succeeded by DAMN NIGGA |