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Elite Beat Agents
This is the amerikanized version of Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan, with 50% less weeaboo faggotry, and 25% more Pool's Closed. The entire game consists of hitting circles with a piece of plastic. The internet being what it is, 
many find this far too challenging to do. Some even have flame wars about how one game's circles are harder to hit than the other's.
Development
Keiichi Yano from iNiS was making lotsa cash with Ouendan and all the weeaboos importing it to America - However, he wanted to make the non-wapanese audience addicted to tapping circles and looking like a stupid fag while doing so to make even MOAR cash. The first plan was to turn the cheerleader guys into the Village People, but iNiS admitted that would be too gay even for Nintendo standards - "Yano felt that nobody actually wanted to play as The Village People." Now that's an understatement. So instead, they mixed Men in Black, Ghostbusters and Austin Powers together, added some Charlie's Angels for the boobs and voilà, the agents were born.
Characters
Nobody gives a shit about them because they have no interesting personality whatsoever.
Spin
Niggah noob who worships Will Smith and gets it in the ass at least once a week. The manual claims "he always keeps his groove courtesy of extra-large headphones". Yaright. We all know black guys have extra-large headphones. Also grins like a retard all the time and has been a porn star before he joined the EBA.
His difficulty level is horribly easy. Even retards get bored with black person after they played the very first song.
J
Douchebag who's pseudocool to the max. Seems to lack any kind of sense for looks and has a hairstyle even a Sparkledog would be embarrased about. Some argue that his hair doubles as a dongcopter. Loves to dance ballet and "can mesmerize any living thing". Gets raped by Daryan Crescend on a regular basis. Also the Wolverine of the game because he's the only character people actually remember.
Chieftain
Your typical cowboy fan and Redneck. He is everything an unmanly Azn man dreams to be (hence why he's in a game from Japan - They most likely only created him for fapping reasons). Like any hardcore epitome of manliness, he's probably FTM or your mom. Why he dances to gay pop music like Material Girl is anyone's guess - Either for the lulz or because he's a flaming faggot, just like anyone else in this game.
Derek
White version of Nigra. Shows that hair is in fact serious business and has the biggest frown ever. Backup dancer nobody cares about. Buttbuddies with Morris. Zomg Afroshipping!
Morris
More Pool's Closed. Second dude in the background. Fusion of Afro Ninja and Kanye West with a fedora taken directly from Blues Brothers. Buttbuddies with Derek.
Commander Kahn
Boss of the Disco Rangers and easily the gayest of them all. When he doesn't yell at his sexually abused minions or the player (not really a difference, amirite?), he dances like a sluttly cheerleader. Yes, a like 60 year old man slapping his butt to La La - And the shades do nothing. Additionally, he's a furfag with a kawaii neko fursona called Mr. X.
Elite Beat Divas
Trio of cheerleaders who are blatantly asking for it. Excel in using useless double consonants and cockteasing. They are Kahn's bitches; he keeps them where wimminz belong and sometimes tells them to gtfo in ALL CAPS when he wants to wank to his yiff art. The Divas go through the exact same missions their male colleagues did several times. This proves that they aren't good for anything besides serving as fapping material.
Soundtrack
Being a Nintendo-made rhythm-based game, it has a well-balanced selection of premium-quality covers.
- Walkie Talkie Man (What life could've looked like if you wouldn't be constantly playing and horribly failing at Jumpin Jack Flash)
- Makes No Difference (Michael Moore shoots another movie about very important topics. And YOU gotta help him!)
- Sk8terboi (Woman that is trying to break out of the kitchen)
- I was born to love you (Reenactment of Hitch in the 15th century. Romantic and still making more sense than Star Trek: Enterprise)
- Rock this Town (A mathematician who knows magic and a hot chick battle evil cosplayers from Alice in Wonderland)
- Highway Star (A dog tries to run away from his Shota master but he's doing it wrong due to not being an intelligent mastermind.)
- Y.M.C.A (Nobody remembers what the plot was about because they never played it again due to obvious reasons)
- September
- Canned Heat (A fat ninja is stealing something. Yeah.)
- Material Girl (Paris Hilton and some other chick are being raped by animals)
- La La (You're not caring the plot anyway due to the other rhythm-based game)
- You're the Inspiration (A picture falls out of a book and daddy throws a cake at that bitch because she couldn't get the rhythm right)
- Let's Dance (We learn: Dig under Mount Rushmore to find Atlantis!)
- The Anthem (black person playing baseball)
- Without A Fight (OMG HUGE LAZORZ WTF)
- Believe
- A.B.C. (Mom leaves her only son alone with her cat which she rewards with a fish because her child nearly died)
- Survivor (You'll never unlock this anyway)
Many Wapanese fanboys argue that Ouendan has a superior soundtrack, but this is only because anime soundtracks induce instant orgasms within their shit-soaked brains, and because they can't understand the awful lyrics.
Jumping Jack Flash
Some argue that Elite Beat Agents does have a decent song. However, this is only because they were force-fed the song at least 100 times. It is a proven fact that you'll get insane once you've completed this song in Hard Rock mode. But don't worry, You will never accomplish that because you're fapping to the Divas hot dancemoves anyway.
Redeeming Features
- Cap White
- HEEEAAALLPPP
- Sorry, pool's CLOSED
- Elite Beat Divas
Gallery
Endings
The only true fucking difference between each game are the songs. Technically each game ends with all the people gathering together in one city, doing a hueg mating/dacing ritual to some shitty ass song while shouting and firin' their lazar, which ends up solving the problem and somehow further delays humanity's inevitable destruction. Habeeb it.
Simplified Version of each Ending
Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan!
Weeaboos across the Middle East get together for the sake of humanity, dance until they charge their lazar, then fire a fucking energy beam/ SHOOP DA WHOOP at an asteroid... For great justice.
Elite Beat Agents
Amerikanz get together for the sake of humanity, dance until they charge their lazar, then fire THREE SHOOP DA WHOOPS which combine into A HUEG ONE and anally rapes a black nigra geometry shape... For great justice. You'll also get another endless credit scene with our most beloved song Jumpin Jack Flash.
Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan! 2
Even moar weaboos and Japanese people join together from all over the world charge up energy, INCLUDING THE WORLD ITSELF, and BAAAAWWS THE SUN, CAUSING IT TO BURN ONCE AGAIN, freeing hyoomanity another fucking time from getting ass raped by an ice age... For great justice. No lie.
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Elite Beat Agents is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |