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Final Fantasy Tactics

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This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT everyone in your party dies in a gigantic Jesus explosion!!!!!!1
This game has excellent quantities of lens flare

If Squaresoft was a family; Final Fantasy 7 would be the popular girl who got all the looks and fame without any effort, while Final Fantasy Tactics would be the hardworking unpopular loser who has a WOW addiction. Take everything 2D from Final Fantasy VI, turn it into an overly complicated game of Risk, add lego brick 3D backgrounds and you have Final Fantasy Tactics.

The Game

Unlike all the other Final Fantasy games, tactics is independent and keeps true to it's anti-conformist lifestyle. First off, all your characters have less than 10 hit points. Due to the low amount of life, any random encounter in the world can be extremely fatal unlike the rest of the FF series. Hell, a goblin could fart on you and your whole party would die instantly. Playing this game is like playing an unholy combination of GO, Mah Jong, chess, and daikatana all in one. There are at least 100 job classes all with at least 9000 job skills and abilities. Fun fact: did you know that in order to administer simple items like say, a potion or a phoenix down, you have to spend 1800 job points just to use it? Checking and calculating stats are another essential key in playing tactics, some of them include: CT, CP, AT, JP, HP, MP, STR, AGL ,GST, PST, RRSP, CNIB, F40PH, 401K, NAMBLA, STUFUNOOB, RTFM, and GTFO to name a few. Tactics also has job classes that you can assign to each and every character (but really folks, why the FUCK would you want to change the job class on any of the special characters, especially T.G cid).

Job Classes

  • Squire: Wields the awesome ability to deal 2 damage by throwing a rock at your opponent.
  • Chemist: Can fully heal and revive party members by spending far too many JP to learn the corresponding abilities.
  • Knight: Mediocre.
  • Archer: Cheap fighter whose accuracy is multiplied by 0 for optimal performance.
  • Wizard: Is okay until he is punched by a girl causing instant death.
  • Priest: The power of Christ compels ye! ...to be a crappy character class. 100% chance to molest enemy children.
  • Monk: ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORRRRYYYAAAATTTT!!!!!
  • Oracle: Has a 1% chance of recruiting enemies to your side.
  • Thief: Has the ability to turn party members into homosexuals. Niggers and Jews love this class because of their thieving nature.
  • Time Mage: Increases the frame rate of the game from 3fps to 13fps by overclocking the PlayStation hardware.
  • Geomancer: Completely useless (You just wasted 100000 job points on abilities you can never use if you are not on the right terrain you idiot!)
  • Mediator: Has the ability to talk monsters into yiffing you
  • Summoner: Summons random shit from Final Fantasy 7
  • Samurai: A master of the ancient art of breaking 70000 Gil swords... If you're lucky; some can't even be bought in stores.
  • Ninja: Only worthwhile job class. Have a party of them and you can beat the game in 30 minutes.
  • Lancer: Has the ever-so useful ability to randomly fuck off the battlefield.
  • Calculator: The equivalent of rolling a D20 Broken-ass GOD character after you spend over 9000 days leveling up all the magic and math abilities. A single one of these can win the game by himself.
  • Bard: Faggot capable of replenishing the entire party's health by 1 HP each.
  • Dancer: Whore
  • Mime: WTF MATE
  • Holy Knight: Crucifies and burns those who do not believe in his faith.
  • Dark Knight: Emo warrior that cuts himself to summon a gigantic razor sharp cock to split your enemies in two.
  • Cloud: Lame. You must acquire his Materia Blade, a sword who's power is easily dwarfed by the more common swords you'll find later in the game, from the top of a volcano. This enables him to use his awesome abilities. Some argue that his abilities take far too fucking long to charge. So if you want to see how Cherry Blossom looks, you'll basically have to put the enemy to sleep for him and make everyone wait over 9000 turns for him to do it.

Story

Final Fantasy 7 References

As if Square hadn't whored out FF7 enough, they had Aeris make a cameo, and had Cloud as a playable character ZOMG!!!!1111. The only problem is that getting Cloud is a sub-game in itself. Convincing Cloud to join your party involves:

But when that's all over it still isn't enough. Cloud shows up as his whiny usual self, and starts to have nightmares of sephiroth fanfiction, and runs off. He ends up in the ghetto where he meets Aeris (ZOMG!! SHES ALIVE!!!). She then asks him to buy a flower for 100000gil to pay off her heroin addiction. Cloud walks off and decides to fap off to some whiny emo manga. A bunch of bunks show up and are about to rape her when your party shows up; cloud tries to help, but ends up running away since he has no clothes on and is such a pussy. When you kill everyone and Aeris in the crossfire, Cloud finally decides to join your party.

But alas, all your effort are wasted.... Turns out that Cloud is at level 1, dresses in women's clothing, and cannot use any of his "abilities" without his shitty sword (found at the top of a fucking lava covered mountain), and when you get them leveled up, his Limit Breaks still suck ass next to a Calculator's Lv. 3 Holy. He is in every sense THE most useless character in the entire game. Congratulations idiot, you just wasted 40 hours of your life.

Squaresoft: 1 Gamers: 0

Gameplay

I CAME

eBay Profit

The few people who owned copies of Tactics soon discovered the game's growing cult status popularity after people got bored from wasting their adolescence trying to resurrect Aeris in FF7. They soon found out that if they put it on Ebay they could nab hundreds of dollars profit. When FF7 fans found out that Cloud was a playable character in the game, the Ebay sales went up 1000%. A copy of Tactics eventually generated higher profit than a kilo of cocaine cut with Draino. After Squaresoft soon found out that gamers were actually making money off their shitty software, they decided to act. Square gave the Ebay community a collective kick in the testicles by flooding the market with a "greatest hits" version of Tactics, thus plummeting the worth of the game. Ebay sellers in their anguish overdosed by huffing raid, and all became wikipedia editors.

Squaresoft: 2 Gamers: 0

See also

Final Fantasy Tactics is part of a series on

Gaming

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