Splatoon

This article is a stub. You can help by expanding it.

SEA CREATURES TOOK OVER THE WORLD, HUMANITY WAS FLOODED AND KILLED, THE SQUID SISTERS ARE ACTUALLY COUSINS, THE SQUIDS DONT HAVE BONES!

Splatoon is a Color Wars rip-off that was originally created by Microsoft before Nintendo (aka nips) stole their idea and released it in on their inferior hardware in May 2015. The game is about spraying your ink everywhere so that you can overpower your opponent's territory. Much like the abandoned Color Wars there is also no gameplay in Splatoon, so it is just a 3rd person Mario Paint simulator. How original, Nintendo.

History

This "game" was first shown at E3 2014, and left everyone pretty damn confused, because it made no fucking sense whatsoever.

As Nintendo originated in Japan, someone was probably fapping to schoolgirls getting raped by cephalopods, then probably someone walked in on him and wondered how the baby will look. After a few seconds, this game was conceived.

Story Background

Splatoon is set in a post apocalyptic World 10K years into the future, after the Earth's ice caps have melted and the rising water levels have drowned every poor fucker into the ocean. With all land underwater, the Inklings took on the new role of human society, and fucked everything over. Inklings are able to change their form from Animu-Kid too Squid, and love to jizz ink all over the place, during events called Turf wars. Despite being a fuckin Squid, Inklings will dissolve in Water, because fuck you Darwin.

Characters

For such an obvious rip-off that this "game" clearly is, it has an oddly large amount of useless and unusable characters that no one likes, nor gives a shit about...

Male Player: No one gives a fuck about the male variation, since they are just your average fruity kid with a ponytail.

Female Player: Everyone likes using them, since they have unnecessarily large asses and even swings their hips like the sluts they are, they are also only 14, you sick fucks... They also like making lots of yuri with them! It also gives weeaboos something to fap to.

Female: For some odd fucking reason, the females are the only ones that actually have a kid formation, like everyone else. They also look like sluts as well. They are also not playable, yet players want to use them...

Octarians: Useless ugly pieces of shit that don't know how to fight. They don't even move around, or avoid the ink you ejaculate at them...

NOTE: If you don't play Splatoon for over a month and you suddenly enter Booyah Base you are forced to listen to all of the new items available and their functions. You cannot fucking skip this either.

Sheldon: This nerd owns some place called 'Ammo Knights' and is also the one responsible for giving you these cum sprayers. Looks nothing like an actual damn Horseshoe Crab...

Annie: Some fucking bitch dork that owns a place named 'Cooler Heads' that sells headgear. Too bad that won't help from getting raped like the little bitch you are.

Moe: The only good thing about this game. He mocks you for how much of a faggot you are for buying this game in the first place.

Jelonzo: An blue jellyfish that has a place named 'Jelly Fresh' that sells gay clothes. He is also an huge hipster and has sexual fantasies for the newest and hottest trends... No matter what you pick, you still look hideous and gay, just like in real life!

Crusty Sean: Some type of weird ass shrimp that owns 'Shrimp Kicks' which sells shoes; He also has an heavy foot fetish, obsessed over shoes, and has no problem showing his mental illness in public.

NOTE: Their Names are a pun on Calamari, get it? Callie Marie, Calamari... fuckin funny, right?

Callie: Some hyper bitch that acts like she's on drugs, that does news... Nothing interesting about her at all. Only useful for getting raped in the ass.

Marie: Just like her sister, she also does news. But this one acts like an sassy-ass bitch all the time, and is also only useful for anal rape. She is also known for having the most obvious fake-ass smile anyone could ever see, goes to show how much she's gives a shit about you.

Pearl: Ugly ass bitch in the 2nd game who looks like a genderbent bling-bling from Johnny Test.

Marina: The Hot black girl in the game who is extremely thicc with her big tits, don't worry she's 18.

Shiver: 1/3 of the group Deep Cut. When she first appeared, many assumed she was trans but she's 100% female.

Frye: This girl makes Pearl look like a Kardashian. Good Lord, look at that forehead!

Big Man: The only male in Deep Cut who's a manta. Get it?

Cap'n Cuttlefish: An oldfag veteran pedophile that stalks you with his wide-ass open eyes. He somehow helps you out though, probably just to stare at that squid ass of yours. Also, for some reason, he lives in a fucking sewer, at least that's where he belongs... He is also the grandfather of the Squid Sisters.

DJ Octavio: The most weirdest DJ anyone could ever see, that has an golden samurai hat for no God damn reason. He is also very annoying and never shuts the fuck up when trying to beat your stupid ass. Probably the reason why he gets raped when you encounter him.

Fandom

Somehow, Splatoon managed to get such a huge fandom, mostly consisting of braindead 16-year old girls who think "OMG A BUNCCH OF SQUIDZ SPRAYING SEMEN @ EACH OTHER SO CUUUTE KAWAAAIIIII ^______________^" Most of the fanbase on some crappy site nobody likes, making Rule 34 porn of Splatoon characters.

Breakdown on the Splatoon Fandom

69% Annoying ass TARTlets and 690000channers that think Squids are sexy, or that they can never shut the fuck up about that crap game.
4% 10-year olds that go Übernuts when somebody criticizes the game.
100% People that consist of some other types of faggotry that nobody cares about.
1% You