Assassin's Creed

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT AL MULAIM IS EVIL, ALTAIRS' WIFE DIES, ALTAIRS' SON DIES AND HIS BEST FRIEND RUINS THE ASSASSIN ORDER! EZIO'S PARENTS DIE, UNCLE MARIO DIES, EZIO DOESN'T KILL THE POPE DESMOND KILLS LUCY BECAUSE SHE IS A TEMPLAR, EZIO DIES FROM A HEART ATTACK! HAYTHAM KENWAY IS A TEMPLAR AND IS KILLED BY CONNOR, CHARLES LEE IS EVIL, ACHILLES DIES, JUNO IS PLOTTING TO ENSLAVE THE WORLD, MIRANDA WANTS THE WORLD TO RESTART, AND DESMOND SIDES WITH JUNO AND DIES, EDWARD KENWAY IS A FUCKING LOSER, HIS BITCH WIFE DIES, HE HAS A KID HE DOESN'T KNOW, EVERY PIRATE DIES, JAMES KIDD IS MARY READ AND SHE'S A DYKE, SHE GETS PREGNANT AND DIES, JACK RACKHAM BETRAYS KENWAY AND SOME OTHER FAGGOT, BENJAMIN HORNIGOLD BECOMES A TEMPLAR AND CHARLES VANE LOOSES ALL HIS MARBLES!!!!!!1

The original cover before it was remade.

This image will sum up all gameplay in the series.

Assassin's Creed (or Ass Creed for short) is the 100,000th franchise to be expelled out of the corporate digestive track that is Ubisoft. The French-Canadians who developed this franchise ensured that it is warmer, steamier and a thousand times more smellier then your typical pile of crap. Credit must go to these snail suckers however, because being able to produce a series whilst having a severe mental and physical disability is quite a feat.

The plot takes place in September 2012, three months before the end of the world, on the 11th anniversary of 9/11. While the FBI is still trying to gather enough evidence to legally carry out a second holocaust, the Jews are celebrating 11 years of glorious uprising. Desmond, a kike bartender, is kidnapped by a corporation (most likely a self-characterization of Ubisoft) and forced into a machine that "recollects ancestral memories buried into the users' DNA" because he is apparently the descendant of Jebus or some shit. Really, the entire game is a figment of Desmond's imagination, and thus anything you achieve whilst playing is automatically null and void.

In the sequel, some dyke takes our protagonist to a shithole to find your inner Renaissance homosexual. The turd you impersonate is the utmost definition of a Guido. He bangs a chick and goes home to flex his tan buttocks for a selfie. Later, his family is killed in front of his very eyes, and yet he doesn't give a fuck. He apparently thinks it's a good idea to sit back and watch the game while his family is butthurt by Fat Albert. Meanwhile, in the copypasta factory, he finds his dad's Assassin outfit. Too bad it's the same shit, only new cape more gloss. However, after the second game, people stopped caring about the plot.

Unfortunately, but not unexpectedly, the fame these two tainted products generated spawned a whole goddamn franchise for Jews to milk for more money, because the dumb masses found this heap of shit appealing. Finally, a slew of new games emerged from the corporate abyss, along with: films, novels, comics and, believe it or not, a fucking book.

Plot

Desmond Miles, a hymie bartender is roofied and kidnapped by Shitstergo Industries in order to force him to hook with the Anusimus, a device that can replay your ancestors' genetic memories. Now this shit will happen on a day to-day basis, throughout every Assassin's Creed game. In Desmond's case, they seek information about his ancestor Altaïr Ibn-Habla-Labia'Ahad-Mubli-Lublih', a towel head who lived during the time of the Third Crusade. Within the Anusimus, Altaïr's memories reveal that he was a closet homosexual attempting to stop evil juju homophobes from persecuting other raghead queers, but he somehow broke all three of the Fluffy-Pink-Fuzzy-Snuggles Brotherhood's tenets in the process. The Brotherhood leader, Al Mualimus, punishes Altaïr by demoting him to the rank of Faggot, and assigns him the task of surprise butt secksing nine people, to regain his former status.

As Altaïr completes the bukake shank combi surprises, he finds that each target was a member of the Templars, searching for "Pieces of Eden", ancient mystical dildos with infinite battery life. When he comes across a heavily plumped fat eunuch, he realizes that it was actually some lesbo disguised in his armor. She demands rape, but Altaïr, dazed and confused, flips the fuck out and runs away. Altaïr later learns the location of the fat, dickless fuck he originally wanted to kill. He encounters him in front of King Richard and accuses him of massive faggorty. King Richard makes the two fight in a bikini wrestling match to let God decide who's the real faggot. Altaïr eventually defeats the gluttonous pig, who, with his dying cock breath, reveals the existence of a tenth Templar: Al Mualimus. Returning to the Brotherhood, Altaïr finds Al Mualimus in possession of the Butt Plug of Eden, which can control people's minds. Then Altaïr fags the fuck out (again) and starts attacking everyone. He fights his way through drooling shit stabbers and dykes in awe of the Butt Plug to reach Al Mualimus and engage him in a gay off. Altaïr eventually sees through Al Mualim's faggorty using the artifact and kills him. Upon approaching the artifact, Altaïr is surprised to find it displays a projection of interracial gay porn, marking several spots around the globe. Mesmarized, Altaïr drops to his knees and starts ferociously beating off.

At this point, Desmond is brought out of the Anusimus, and his purpose is served. Thrown off balance by what the fuck he just experienced, he comes to learn that Shitstergo is a front for the modern-day Templars, set to use the memories of Altaïr to find more Pieces of Eden, for some purpose no one cares about and some shit about the end of the world in 2012... seriously...

Desmond's life is spared by Lucy Stillman, a queer mole doubling as an Abstergo scientist. Left alone in his locked room, Desmond discovers (through "the Rectal Bleeding Effect" from his anal warts) that he can observe numerous messages in ass blood on the walls and floor, left by a previous test subject (Subject16) that foretell the end of the world... another one I guess.

Characters

FUN FACT: Did you know real-life assassins toked weed before every mission? It's goddamn true! The word "Assassin" comes from the Arabic "Ḥashshāshīn", since Hashish was their favorite tea. NO FUCKING SHIT!

Desmond Miles - Descendant of Altair and Ezio. He is mostly Jewish now as a result of interracial breeding. He works as a bartender but is kidnapped by a corporation, who wants to use him as a guinea pig and use a new invention on him known as the Animal Anus which can supposedly bring back memories from the user's ancestors. Desmond is almost killed by the people who kidnapped him after receiving said memories, but he is saved by a mysterious woman through a deus ex machina. Why she was outside of the kitchen is beyond me. Truly, this is a very realistic game. Desmond realizes that he is humanity's only hope and becomes an hero. Half of the fanbase were extremely butthurt by this, and as a result started creating theories of his possible survival.

Altaïr Ibn-Habla-Labia'Ahad-Mubli-Lublih' - A filthy Arab from 1191 whose main goal is to pickpocket and murder people. In typical Arab fashion, he enjoys picking fights with random people on the street for the sake of shits and giggles. He also enjoys having heartfelt discussions with his assassination targets after slicing their necks, and the guards are polite enough not to interrupt these chats. He's the only cool protagonist in the series. Note the two dots above the letter 'i' in his name. Bastard thinks he's better than the rest of us. Fucking Arabs. It should also be noted that Altair has an American accent as a result of the Americanization of Eastern civilization.

Abstergo Industries - (Pronounced "Asperger's Industries") Evil corporation that kidnapped Desmond. Serves as the main antagonist of the game. Their agenda is to use the Animal Anus to find the location of Altair's Jew gold, which he buried somewhere in the heart of Israel. They deserve to be burned at the stake due to the fact that a woman was able to outsmart them and ruin their plans.

Lucy Stillman - She has no place in this game and should stick to making sammiches instead of saving Jews from death. Notice the complete difference between the first and second game's appearance.

Rebecca Crane - I don't know why the producers think it's a good idea to keep adding more female assassins. This woman is also better off in a kitchen somewhere, making baby back ribs for the guys. Mmmm... Baby back ribs...

Gameplay

The game borrows gameplay elements heavily from other games/franchises. These include Spider-Man (scaling walls and buildings), Street Fighter (picking random fights with people on the street), Grand Theft Auto (committing crimes and running from the police) and several others. The gameplay is also horribly repetitive, as 90% of the time you will just be tapping the X button to beat up a dirty Muslim who tried to steal your Jew gold. You can climb ANY goddamn surface, no matter how steep, high, or poorly designed it is, without tiring or losing stamina, jump six billion meters across two buildings, jump 6000 feet, and dive into a haystack without getting hurt. What the actual fuck?

The weapons at your disposal, which you may use to cut or jab through the guards' mysteriously ineffective body armor, include:

A sword
A knife attached to your hand
Throwing knives
A wrist mounted gun (I shit you not)
Your hands

Despite being heavily relied on throughout the game, your legs are rendered useless when fighting for some strange reason. Guards will attempt to kill you rather than confiscate your stolen goods if you choose to become a criminal scum. If you ever get zerg rushed by a group of guards, you can simply pick one of them up and throw them into the rest to make a daring escape, or you can just kill them all by picking out a person and countering everything he does; it's not that fucking hard. Almost anything can act as a hiding spot, including a park bench. Truly, these are the cleverest AI controlled bots, seeing as how you are the only one dressed in a fucking Assassin's uniform, so it must be impossible to find you (though in their defense, their uniforms were designed so that they might be mistaken for heavily armed, building-scaling monks).

If you are injured by an enemy, an abnormally large amount of blood will spray out of your body, similar to ejaculation. This much bloodspray is not even found in GTA. This can happen 5-6 times more before you run out of blood and have to return to the Animal Anus' lobby. Also, in the same way as in earlier GTA games, you don't have the ability to swim. Something Ubisoft, the lazy bastards, first fixed in the sequel.

Worse, you've been "ass"-essed a 2-HP penalty for killing the idiot civilians in an attempt to divert attention away from the fact that "no matter how many cows in hijabs you send to hell, no matter how high the bodies pile up," they keep milling in and acting afraid for about 30 seconds. It's like working in a slaughterhouse, but without the Spanish, fake ID, and half-minimum-wage pay. However, it does drive the guards from their hiding places.

Ass Creed 2: Electric Boogaloo

Ubisoft confirmed a sequel (Ass Creed 2, how fucking original) in which you play as a Guido rather than an Arab/Jew. It's a slight improvement from its predecessor, but Italians have no place in higher society, just as Arabs and Jews have no place in society at all. In this new one, you get to chill with Dee Vinchee and fly around on his MAGICAL FUCKING BIRDWINGS or some shit. Also, other Guido stuff like singing showtunes on queer boats and jizza on pizza. A brief summary of the plot is that you become an assassin and kill people. The only redeeming part of the game is when you beat the shit out of the Pope.

Plot

You begin in the Renaissance era as this guido, sliding out of your mother's snatch like a slip 'n slide. When you hit the wooden floor, your father picks you up and chants Italian gibberish like a dumb guinea. You have a seizure and begin crying. Years later, you're a rich nigger in a bitch gang, cracking yo momma jokes and impersonating Al Pacino. When you get hit in the face with a rock, your repressed brain damage manifests itself, causing your eyes to bulge from their sockets and you to foam at the mouth while flailing your arms at your enemies. You decide to hump the neighborhood woe after you fuck their shit up. Then, like a deranged dumbfuck, you walk around collecting feathers for your dipshit sibling, delivering letters door to door like an Italian postbitch and just avoiding the po-po.

Suddenly, your crack-head dad and mentally disabled gay brothers get captured and publicly hanged like the pieces of Italian apeshit they are. Then you decide it's time for some fucking vengeance. So you go to your father's secret chill room, which is stocked with weed, Flavor Flav albums, and his old filthy gimp suit. However, because your jackass father has hidden the room, you must use your "see-piss-stains-on-wall" (a.k.a. the Rectal Bleeding Effect) power to locate the weed and BDSM gear. You decide to stab some motherfucking fat guy who betrayed your family after dressing up like a dirty sand monkey with a raggedy half-cape that miserably fails to conceal your already supposedly "hidden" blade. You "blend into the crowd" by shoulder clocking and elbowing your way into a group of random Italian people like a stupid asshole, and just walking along. Seriously, guards don't notice a white robe wearing guido with a fucking hoodie and a sword in his dirty hands when you walk by in a crowd of poor Italian plebs. Like THEY WOULDN'T CARE.

After you kill that elephantine sack of shit that betrayed your family, you decide to take your whore sister with Down syndrome and your retarded mom with Cerebal palsy, who can't speak anymore because some gentlemen with very low standards raped her vagianus, out of the damn city to some guido villa in central Italy. You run into the same jerks you had a cockfight with earlier and decide to fuck their shit up... again. You get some strange dildo on your arm that appears magically whenever you want it to. When you get to that guido villa, your pedo Uncle Mario appears out of nowhere to rape you and your family. He yells, "ITS-A ME, MARIO," attempting to be amusing and clever with a reference that no one understands any longer. GUESS WHICH ONE!1!11! He explains their family's role as Assassin Brotherhood members and trains Ezio to be an Ass-ass-in.

Soon after you drop off your white trash family, for the next ten years, you hunt down the men responsible for your familys pwnage, so you go on to kill Templar bitches, kill innocent guards doing their jobs, hire whores, kill/steal from people, run around on rooftops, break every bone in your body and still be perfectly fine, and just steal from tombs and chests. LEAVE THE DEAD PEOPLE ALONE! What's even more annoying is that during certain sequences you feel like you're playing a special children's aid video game, where obvious cutscenes pop up every five minutes, with the new path you just opened, followed by our retardo Italian friend blurting out while drooling: NOW I HAV NEW PLACE WHERE-WHO, UGH UP AND BACK IF I FALL! UUH. Fucking underachieving depressing dumb asshole.

Anyway, after discovering a vault beneath the Papal Palace, Ezio infiltrates the Vatican and battles the Pope, who is aided by the Papal Dildo—the game's MacGuffin. Ezio defeats the Pope by punching him in the face a thousand times in the name of great justice, but he spares his life like a retard, having overcome his desire for vengeance. What a pussy-bitch. After he opens the vault with the Papal Dildo, some God woman thing called Minerva starts explaining how she queefed humans into existence and, before fucking off to the kitchen, tells Desmond is the chosen one or some stupid shit like that. Of course, this leaves everyone befuddled and accomplishes nothing.

Characters

FUN FACT: Did you know Altaïr, Ezio and Desmond were created using the face of a French-Canadian model named Francisco Randez? But he didn't end up voicing them since French-Canadian accents sound ultimately retarded.

Ezio Auditore da Firenze - Say it nine times fast. A winner is you. From 1480, a gay faggot guido. No matter where this asshole goes, he's always getting some boon. How does he do it? Is it the fagstain on his lip? Will just have to see. His gay lover is Leonardo da Vinci, with whom he exchanges passionate stares in every cutscene. Then there's the touching. There is always the touching, patting, whatever you may call it. It's gay and needs to stop. Every male character in the game has at least one spank or indirect hug from Ezio. Speaking of faggot, he can't seem to remember his uncle's name, which turns out to be quite a surprise. Ezio has a shitty cape. Oh yeah, and he has TWO dicks instead of one. Could you imagine?

Leonardo Da Vinci - Some fucking French faggot, I guess. This assfuck is someone famous for drawing shitty things with his own spooge and puke and for inventing some epic flying machine that actually works. In the ancient years of 1400, sure. This guy also translates your hate mail for you, so you can make some weird-ass map out of it to a secret dungeon. You get to transport his sex toys art to your crackhouse and then stare at it for two hours, wondering why the fuck you have it. This guy also makes your "hidden blades", like those things in the first game. Leonardo even pulls a successful troll, by scaring the shit out of you, when he pretends to chop your ring finger off, because the designs of those hidden dildos told him to. But then he's like "NO WAIT, DATS WHAT THOSE SANDNIGGERS DID BACK THEN, FUCKING FAGS!" and decides you can keep your fingers in the vain hope that you'll finger the inside of his penis.

Altair "some Arab/Jew shit here" - Oh looky-looky, it seems our Arab fucknut decided to enter the game after you pass out from the Animal Anus machine thing, and Altair stalks some random woman into a tower. After Altair gets on the tower, he decides to fuck the living hell out of the chick he was chasing, assuming that's how your family started or something. Yes, we travel 200 years into the future from Middle-Durka-Durka to fucking Guidoville. This game is a serious mindfuck.

The Bad Guys - You get to stab old, fat, pedophiles, and faggots to death. you just jump on their backs and dryhump them, then slice their necks after you talk about your sex life. The guards are even nice enough to let you finish. You even get to kill the fucking Pope, the biggest, sweatiest pedophile of them all. But, because God wants a laugh, he'll make you fight him to the death. After a bit of this, the Pope decides to attempt a ragequit as you are pwning his fat ass hard, and you chase him into some fucking vault thing and go play hero by taking off all your weapons and getting into a sissy slapping contest with him, where you get to punch the greasy pedo in the face a bazillion times. After you have proved you have the superior pimp hand, you fuck him up the ass and make him your bitch, and he begs you to kill him to stop his ailing ass from hurting, but Ezio pulls one of the biggest trolls ever, and goes "LOL no!" Then you have a talk with a female God thing or whatever (Why isn't she in God's kitchen?), and Ezio is all like FUCK YOU BITCH WHERE'S THE MONEY?! Then, after she closes her mouth, it was all directed at Desmond in the Animal Anus, not our Guido Assassin.

Your Crack-Addicted Family

Giovanni Auditore, your idiotic father that fucked your mother, who takes your baby body into his arms, yelling Italian gibberish and being a total douche. Luckily this faggot dies soon in the game.
Maria Auditore, your stupid whore mother who went brain dead after she got raped by some picky guards.
Claudia Auditore, your slut sister who takes every cock she can for 2 florins.
Federico Auditore, your big brother who likes sucking your dick on saturday nights. Luckily he dies soon in the game, too.
Domenico Auditore, your small brother who got fucked by your father every night. Also he likes feathers. Faggot. Oh and he gets hanged as well.

Seems like you're left with the whores, and they aren't even fuckable. Better get 'em in the kitchen, then.

Gameplay

Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood

Assassin's Creed Brotherhood, just like Assassin's Creed Revelations, feature the same character, gameplay and graphics as Assassin's Creed 2, but Ezio has a beard this time around.

Plot

Desmond and his retarded friends get lost in the ruins of a guido villa, and Desmond reenters the Anusimus to continue Ezio's faggorty, specifically to find their way out and the location of the Pineapple. After facing off against some guy, Ezio returned to Monteriagina, but the villa was soon attacked. Mario and Luigi are both killed and the Apple is stolen. Ezio vows revenge by helping to free the people of Rome from something. Ezio gains followers who want to join his cause, and Ezio trains them in the ways of the Anal Assassins as he works covertly to turn the city against the Borgias. In an attempt to assassinate Julius Caesar and some guy in a castle, Ezio instead witnesses an incest rape. Some guy was forcing his father to eat his "poisoned apple". Ezio chases down the sick fuck and eventually captures him and recovers the pineapple. Someone is taken to a prison somewhere, but manages to escape with the help of his allies. The Assassins lead the fight against a dude and the remaining loyal Borgia troops, and eventually Ezio throws some guy from a castle wall, murdering him. With no more stuff happening, Ezio tries to hide the pineapple in his rectum, but he forgets about it and shits under the Colosseum. In the present, Desmond is navigating through the sewer beneath the Colosseum to locate the poop. As he picks it up, Desmond is witness to steam poopoo hallucinations. Some poopie lady, calling herself Woe, controls Desmond to stab some annoying dyke (because she was a Templar) and forces him into a coma.

Gameplay

Brotherhood shares many of the same features as the previous games, like climbing a wall and falling down. Similar to Jews, the player is able to spend money to buy and upgrade shops and other facilities throughout the city in order to increase revenue which he can collect later. However, the player will be required to destroy the competition before doing so. The player can make Assassins out of citizens from certain events; they can then be dispatched to remote locations across Europe, procuring for experience and money, or can be called in to help the player take a load off. For the first time in the series, the game features online retardation.

Assassin's Creed: Revelations

The sequel to Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood and the final game in the "Guido Trilogy". It features all three protagonists from the previous game: Hebe "Sheeny" Miles, Altaïr Ibn-Habla-Labia'Ahad-Mubli-Lublih' and Ezio Auditore da Shalayla of the mushroom kingdom.

Plot

Desmond awakens in a virtual world on the internet within the Anusimus, where he meets a digital faggot. This faggot, Subject16, explains that from the trauma of stabbing a dyke, Desmond must complete the memories of both Altaïr and Ezio to be able to separate his mind from theirs and to allow him to come out of his coma. However, doing so will destabilize the internet as the Anusimus recovers lost DOX files, and at one point, Subject16 pulls a Triple G and disconnects to allow Desmond to continue without lag. Ezio's story continues many years after Brotherhood, where Ezio is bi-curious and he travels to Masyaf to give rim job freebies to sand niggers. He discovers Altar's dungeon, though it is guarded by five dildos, which the Templars are also seeking believing it contains great power. Ezio travels to the Ottoman-era Constantinople where the dildos are said to have been hidden by explorer and sex toy connoisseur, Niko Bellic, and discovers a conspiracy that the Templars are secretly behind. While searching for dildos, Ezio meets and falls in love with Sofia "Biceps" Sartor. Eventually, a sand nigger is revealed as an agent for the Templars, and is killed by another sand nigger, who thanks Ezio by banishing him from the city.

Ezio uses the dildos to witness Altaïr's faggorty following the death of Al Mualimus. This shows Altaïr having lost his husband and youngest adopted chink son in the midst of a coup d'etat within the Butt Assassins, followed by a twenty-year self-imposed ragequit. Eventually, Altaïr reconnected with the cheats, returned to Masyaf, killed the new owner, and retook control. Altar inscribed the dildos with his memories and gave them to his friend Niko to hide in a distant location, before unplugging his power chord, forever, in his dungeon. In Ezio's present, he and Biceps go to Masyaf and open the library to find Altaïr's corpse cuffed to a wall in a bondage harness with the Piece of Eden stuck in his ass. Ezio abandons the piece and his assassin tools, speaking directly to Desmond, knowing he is only a video game character and hoping he finds the plot as boring as he does.

Desmond is then approached by another holographic figure, who explains that their society had tried to stop Armageddon, but the movie got out anyway. They had stored their movie knowledge in several vaults which Desmond must use to stop other similar shitty movies to come out; Desmond wakes up from his coma, finding his friends, and to his surprise, his father, a severely handicapped mailman. After learning that some dyke died from his stabbing, he informs everyone how truly lame this entire game franchise is.

Gameplay

Revelations includes many new systems, including crashing to the desktop, blue screens, random game freezes, glitches, and bugs, as well as additional weapons. Bomb-crafting is now available, allowing the player to create explosive diarrhea, distraction and tactical grenades, using materials found throughout his body cavities. As the player progresses through the game, Ezio can train new recruits to defend "fuckdens" (Assassin HQs). The hookdildo is also introduced, which can be used in free-running (to travel along zip wires and climb more easily) and in combat (to "manipulate" enemies). Jew Vision has been upgraded to Jew Sense, which allows Ezio to not only having a permanent wallhack, but also see the future, so the whole idea of "challenge" went down the drain. The multifaggot mode returns in Revelations, this time with more characters, modes, and maps, and by advancing through levels of faggorty, the player learn more about Asstergo's history.

Ass Creed 3: Return of the Jedi

In Ass Creed 3: Return of the Jedi, you play as a filthy Injun named Connor or Raccooncaca or some such nonsense, but no one cares because the fanbase stopped caring about the characters after the second game. This time around, you get some fancy new weapons, such as a tomahawk, bow, and rifle. The plot has you playing as a pseudo-apache dumbass butchering the British fruitcake army like there's no tomorrow, regardless of their allegiance, which we all know is bullshit because all the trailers show Connor killing Red Coats and Templars, while firing off patriotic words like "Liberty" and "Freedom," completely ignoring the fact that the Americans committed genocide against his people.

A Short Summary of Assassin's Creed 3

As a result, the British sections of the internet have erupted in eternal raeg, because they believe it is self-evident that the British Empire was benevolent, enlightened, and progressive. Of course, nobody cares what the British think about anything.

Plot

The story begins with Haytham Kenway, a poshfag cracker-ass who proceeds to blabber about a precursor race that no one cares about. This all came to a halt when he noticed a bimbo prairie nigger flashing her hoohah at him. He accidentally creampied her vagoo right before ditching her stupid ass after a brief session of vagineering on a haystack. Connor is later born in a filthy Mohawk tribe somewhere in the middle of a forest, where he lived with his strumpet mother and other Injuns. He and his friends decided to play hide and seek one day. Another random high-class la-di-da faggot named Charles Lee appeared out of nowhere and decided to strangle Connor to impress his butt buddies, shortly before burning down Connor's village and killing Connor's woe mom. Following the incident, Connor began to rage like an amphetamine-addled ape, but nobody cared because he was screaming in his stupid native language, so no one knew what the fuck he was saying. Connor didn't give a damn about his dumb mother's death (she was the village bike anyway) or the destruction of his village nine years later. He began training some fat shit with a stupid name and four chins, and they still spoke in their shitty yakety-yak language, which no one understood. He "taught" this guy how to climb trees and hunt for crap. The tribal chief tells Connor to fuck off and stop whining like a little bitch all day about the white people who live near the tribe and his dead skank mother. Connor did as a woman should and fucked off to the kitchen. After a while, he decided to go to Achilles, an old, poor, grumpy sugar monkey, for some training. Only after Connor nearly killed himself after a week of pissing around and bothering people did the Oreo feel sorry for him and start training him. Because the gameplay in this game is so immersive, you don't get to see any of this turd polishing. Who would rather watch cutscenes of them spooning on the same bed while Achilles does the awkward arm for fucking years than play the damn game?

Nothing has changed six months later.

Connor is still a whiny, simpleton. Six months later... still nothing. Connor keeps sucking on his crackhead house nigger. Another six months pass... you rebuild an old ship called the Aquila, and Connor (who has never sailed before) sails it like a pro. Another six months... holy crap, this is starting to get depressing. Achilles decides that Connor is ready to use the hidden speculums and put on his dirty tweaker robes. Hurrah! Connor has spent two fucking years training and pimping himself out with his badass assassin maledom, whereas the Templarfags have done fuck all. Now that Connor has completed his training and is ready to go, the Templars have decided to annoy him by destroying his village, because LOGIC.

For some reason, Connor begins assisting the Patriots in the war. They battle the Redcoats in a fierce and immersive, engaging battle in which you play a huge role while conveniently not doing anything to get yourself in the history books, preventing whiny faggots from raeging and whining about how this game isn't lore friendly or some such nonsense. Fuck everything has happened in the last ten years. Connor has assassinated some Britfag Templars, including William Johnson, Pitcairn, and a few other insignificant shits. But not Charles Lee, his mortal enemy and, ironically, the one he wishes to kill the most. The rest of the story is pointless, so we'll just get to the point. Connor murders Haytham because he thinks Charles Lee is a nice guy. He then realizes Charles Lee is a huge faggot and decides to call it quits on his faggorty. He pursues Charles Lee for ages, until both of them are battered and beaten. Charles Lee eventually gave up the chase because he'd had enough lulz. They're sitting together, dicks in hand, giving each other gay vibes when Connor stabs him in the urethra. The end.

Characters

Connor - a.k.a. Luke Skywalker. He's the good guy with a man's body and a child's brain. Using his prominent inner retard, he blindly follows anyone who leads him to his new victims, who haven't done anything, and then gets what he deserves when Washington orders an attack on his village, resulting in the death of his fat best friend. You'd think this would motivate him to assassinate Washington, but he just keeps sucking Washington's dick dry. Following his victory in the American Revolution, the people he assisted massacred his own people. That's right, the thing he's spent his entire life trying to avoid just happened. He's a naive man-child who talks slowly while drooling and zoning out whenever he sees a butterfly, which explains why this game moves so slowly.

Haytham Kenway - a.k.a. Darth Vader. Connor's father and the son of that mentally unstable retard, Edward Kenway, who as a child was kidnapped and raised as a Templar. He dresses like a butt pirate while being a massive upperclass bourgeois Britfag. He sees the light at the end of his life... but Connor kills him anyway. Who wouldn't?

Charles Lee - a.k.a. Chancellor Palpatine/The Emperor. Also a Britfag, this guy starts out as a pretty cool guy before transforming into an evil bastard for no apparent reason. He also has an uncanny attraction to Haytham's grouch, following him around and threatening to destroy everything Connor cares about because he murdered him.

Achilles - a.k.a. Yoda. A registered sex offender and an oldfag oreo nigger living alone in the middle of nowhere. He strikes gold when a random naive sexy untouched young boy walks into his life. In his crippled state, he is able to train Connor into submission via the Force.

Infinite amount of Amuricans from the pseudo-non-existent-Amurican-history - The game is full of Jewmurican ancient politicians and sheep who did a bunch of boring things a long time ago that aren't relevant in the present day, like singing paper and assisting Abraham Lincoln in his fight against vampires or something.

Gameplay

File:Asscreedgameplay.gif

Your weapons include:

Tomahawk - that he flings around like a spastic.
Hidden Blade(s)
Bow and Arrow
Pistol
Musket
Sword
Rope Dart - that has two parts. The rope and the dart.

The Tyranny of King Washington

Because everyone loves to spend money (obviously), Ubisoft made (you guessed it) freaking overpriced DLC. Basically, Connor gets sucked into Commander Washington's trippy nightmare where he is a tyrannical king of the fat, perverted, and hated USA. Connor must now stop him by drinking druggy tea and having orgies with animal spirits to gain their abilities. CREATIVE, I know. Connor eventually "kills" Washington, and then they both get teleported back to the real reality and are suddenly normal again. The worst part about this DLC is that the only decent characters from AC3 aren't in it, while the characters no one gives a shit about are.

Ass Creed 4: Black Fag

As if Ubisoft weren't already shit-sucking pigs, now they've announced released the next installment of the Assassin's Creed franchise, Ass Creed 4: Black Fag. This time around, you play as a British pansexual in an interactive futuristic bukakke pirate film directed by M. Night Shyamalan. He's the father of Darth Vader Edward Kenway. He's a BUCCANEER!!!!11! It also has a new development team, so the brain dead cock suckers that conceived the terrible shitstorm known as Assassin's Creed 3 won't be around this time. Incredibly, this steamy pile of Black Beard's old smelly feces looks even worse than its Murkan Revolution predecessor.

... oh and some Japs decided for some fuck reason to make a manga after the game.

Plot

The plot revolves around an unnamed character who works for Abstergo Entertainment, with the goal of developing an interactive mumbo jumbo fishamajig with pirates. In reality, the evil Templars are at it again. Your true goal this time is to discover yet another ancient, uninteresting shit that no one cares about, known as the Obseravtory. Of course, none of this would be possible without our beloved kike protagonist from the first games. As a result, the Templars went in search of his dumbass dead body in order to extract DNA from his perineum. As part of your contract, they also required you to watch the entire thing.

Anyway, you're later introduced to Edward Kenway, a drunkard sleeze bag who somehow impregnated a spoiled cumdumpster belonging to a rich hunk of shit. You quickly realize what a waste of human resources and a non-contributing zero our protagonist is, so you can feel more at ease playing something familiar. Our Welsh pariah decides he's had enough of fucking the same batshit ugly Britwhores and drinking the same mundane stale Britbooze and relocates to the Caribbean. His ship magically explodes on the way there. He survives and swims ashore, only to discover an Assasin relaxing on the beach. His first thought is to chase him through the jungle like a psychopath, kill him, desecrate his body, and steal his clothes and identity, because that's what people do when they meet strangers, in his mind. Following that, he discovers that this individual was on a MISSION. He takes it upon himself to complete his mission in order to make some extra money on the side, unknowingly endangering the Assassins. Before that, he stumbles around the jungle like a blithering idiot, talking to himself and air assassinating ocelots, when his sixth sense picks up on rape pheromones in the air. He trips over some eagle shit while following the scent near a cliff and femures into a hay stack. He crawls to the rape scene, everything broken, only to find some meddling Britfags fucking around. He decides to kill the faggots in order to later discover Stede Bonnet, a guy who just wanted to pee on the island but was enraged by angry English bushmen who decided to kill his captain for being a pansy with a small wiener. After a half-hour French kiss, Bonnet and Kenway decide to be friends. They both board Bonnet's ship, with Edward serving as captain. After long stretches of pirate wanking, Kenway unearths a conspiracy involving every known empire at the time that no one cares about. The Templars had had enough of pirates and decided to annihilate them all. They were on the lookout for the Sage, a Mexican paranoid nutjob with heterochromia and a boner for a God woman.This guy, later named Bartholomew Roberts, is the only one who knows the location of the Observatory, an ancient emo device that allows whoever controls it to be the ultimate peeping tom by putting his victim's blood inside it. So Kenway, still dreaming of power and wealth, decides to embark on a wild goose chase around the world for the next few years.

Meanwhile, pirates like Blackbeard, Benjamin Hornigold, and Charles Vane, among others, fantasize about establishing an anarchic pirate state ruled by debauchery and chlamydia, while Kenway chases that Sage sack of shit. However, the pirate state was a miserable failure, as everyone in it was constantly drunk and no one was running anything. In the end, pirates were repaid with the plague because they didn't know how to wipe properly. In response, Blackbeard attempts to steal some medicine and dies. Every pirate begins to despise one another, and Kenway fails to prevent the Templars from mass-hanging everyone. Eventually, Kenway, still unaffected by the deaths of all his friends, decides to join forces with the crazy Sage monkey and search for the Observatory together. He is, predictably, betrayed at the last moment. He is imprisoned, finds the skeletons of all his friends, skull fucks them in regret, and is then busted out by Ah Tabai, the game's Assassin mentor. Following that, he decides to join the Assassins and do some good for a change. He pursues the Sage, finds and kills him, and permanently closes the Observatory.

After all of that, he is still a drunk, broke, lonely loser when he receives a letter from Shitland, informing him that his estranged wife has died and that the lawyers are sending him his unknown daughter. Kenway then discovers that his bitchy wife was gossiping about him to his child the entire time he was away. He abandons his tropical island, wealth, villa, and slaves in order to return to his cesspool of a homeland with his mistake. He eventually becomes bored and produces a boy with his dominatrix. Because Kewnway is mentally retarded, the age gap between his children will be 30 years.

Finally, in Shitland, Kenway is stumbling drunk in his living room, naked as usual, when a swarm of Templars appear out of nowhere and turn him into Swiss cheese. To make matters worse, the Templars steal his son as a souvenir and raise him as a closet homosexual.

The player is contacted in the present day by John, the Sage Monkey version of the twenty-first century. As usual, John is insane and a massive dildo. He forces the player to do his will once more. He compels the player to enter the Anusimus' core, at which point a female God appears from thin air and casually talks to you about cooking as if nothing has happened. She reveals that, while opening her kitchen was necessary to avert disaster, the world was not ready for her food. John attempts to murder the player in order to cover up his failed attempt to resurrect the God woman, but is killed by Abstergo's security. The Sage, playing Roberts, tells Kenway that he is openly bi and finds him attractive. After fucking, he tells Kenway that he has no allegiance to anyone and instead uses whoever he believes has the best chance of achieving his goals, emphasizing the fact that Kenway was just a bottom bitch all along. The Assassins contact the player as they continue their infiltration of Asstergo, but neither side can explain Sage's faggorty, mental retardation, and epic fail.

Characters

FUN FACT: Did you know that pirates were sometimes afflicted with psittacosis, also known as parrot fever? It is a parrot disease that can be transmitted to humans through the inhalation of dust from dried parrot dung. Infected pirates would experience extremely high temperatures, which would lead to pneumonia and, if left untreated, coma and death. It's also so lethal that you can only get it in hot places. To cut a long story short, pirates would perish from snorting parrot poop.

Edward Kenway - Connor's grandfather was Haytham's father. Strangely enough, after the amazing reception of Connor, Ubisoft deemed it necessary to make this main character a close relative, and he's a britfag just to add icing on the cake. He also has long blond hair and enjoys threesomes with ugly women. Edward, unlike Connor, seems to be much more laid back and lulzy. So he's basically just Ezio without the annoying as fuck Italian accent. He's the biggest selfish asshole the Caribbean sea has ever seen. After leaving his pregnant wife for wealth and glory, he then decides that's not enough, so he indirectly fucks every notable pirate from the Golden Age of Piracy, except for Blackbeard, who is basically owned in the same way. Oh, and at the end, he is betrayed, sobs about it all, has hallucinations, and returns to Shitland from a tropical paradise where he lived in a villa and owned workers, only to be assassinated by Templars and have his child stolen and turned into Darth Vader. Good going, retard.

Caroline Scott-Kenway - Kenway's bitch wife. He blames Kenway for everything wrong in her life and fucks him anyway. Later, she gets knocked up, doesn't tell Kenway, runs to her parents, who didn't agree with her marriage in the first place, and then dies. This is the same, mundane, cliché plot that every fucking movie, book, song, and anything else has ever had.

James Kidd - A pirate dyke, a.k.a. Mary Read, because a pirate game wouldn't be a pirate game without dykes. She's an assassin in disguise, dressed in a pirate's uniform because the cowboy uniform was unavailable. If you're not a complete jerk, you'd notice she's a girl the moment you see her in the game. Despite this, Ubisoft deflated her tits and tucked away her vagoogoo, because in their eyes, everyone who plays their games is a dumb asshole, including the ingame pirates who couldn't detect her pussy stink.

Edward Thatch - a.k.a. Blackbeard. His name was Edward in real life, so you can't blame him for having the second fucking Edward name, but you can blame Ubisoft for being lazy cretins. He's actually being portrayed fairly well, which isn't saying much. After seducing Stede Bonnet, he is killed in battle.

Stede Bonnet - a.k.a. "The Gentelman Pirate," is known for being a complete pussybitch as well as the only pirate with an education. He appears in the main plot for a couple of missions, then, after pirating with Blacknuts for a while, he decides to fuck off and adventure on his own, which gets him owned. Unfortunately, he is the most intriguing character in the entire game.

Jack Rackham - a.k.a. Calico Jack, the guy famous for inventing the Jolly Roger flag. That's the classical pirate flag with a skull crossed by two swords. Until Rackham came around, pirates just used their pink tongues as a flag. He successfully fucked Charles Vane and stole his ship and crew by staging what pirates call a mutiny. In-game, he looks like a transsexual gypsy. Later in the story line, you can find his skeleton in a cage, hanging from a pole — you know, those typical cages you see in movies and such. Fuck off.

Charles Vane - He is our protagonist's first love. After Jack Rackham steals his ship and abandons him and Kenway on an island, he goes insane. Charles decides Kenway is a faggot after a quickie on the beach and flees into the jungle. Kenway, ever the pussy-whipped faggot, chases after him. Charles contracts syphilis and loses his marbles after Kenway catches him and shank fucks him a little. All of this isn't worth Kenway's time, so he decides to fuck off, but not before abandoning Vane on the island. After some time, he discovers Vane in a prison, still dipshit insane. He sucks his dick and walks away, never to be seen again by his dominus.

Benjamin Hornigold - He is best known for mentoring Blackbeard into piracy and for founding Nassau, a slum in the West Indies. He later becomes a Templar for reasons no one understands. Kenway eventually finds him and puts an end to his faggorty.

What's wrong in this picture?

Anne Bonny - Rackham's fuck puppet. They are captured with Mary Read and are sentenced to death. She escapes from her prison while Mary Read dies. She later became Kenway's quartermaster. At the end, she parts ways with Kenway when the faggot leaves for England. No one knows what the fuck happened to her after that. Safe to say, she is dead. In real life, she gets saved by her father from the gallows for being the spoiled brat that she was. Eventually, she settles down, while giving birth to Rackham's second son, gets married, has an additional 10 more children, and dies as a "respectable" woman at the age of 80 in South Carolina, with a gaping fuckhole the size of Kimberley mine.

Mary Read - Because she's a proper closet lesbian, she's dressed as a man. The goal was to avoid being raped, even if she was pregnant at the time she was pwned. You all assumed she was a trap, but you would have fapped to her regardless. She and Anne were obviously complete sluts as they lezzed out behind the scenes.

Sage - An insane, misanthropic Mexican monkey, shit ugly and perpetually angry.

Pirates - Edward's supposed crew. This isn't like AC3, no way. This is the real deal, bitches!!!!1!!!1! A pirate's life expectancy would be less than 25 years if they survived malaria, scurvy, rickets, hepatitis, halitosis, scabies, and any number of venereal diseases. Well, not counting the ones that actually managed to escape with their booty and live to get old.

The Nigger - Not just any nigger, though, because he's the main character in the wallet-rapping DLC Freedom Cry, about which no one cares.

Gameplay

As promised, players are introduced yet again to sailing. Since the sailing part in Ass 3 was completely optional and useless, since it's purpose was just to upgrade your shit homestead no one cared about, the sailing in Ass 4 is pretty much all you do, so the entire game will consist of a faggot screaming nothing but: "WE NEED FOOKIN' HARF SAEL! GIMME FULL SAEL! HALF- NO... WAIT, FULL SAEL!11!1!1!."

The ship is upgradeable throughout the game, and you can access it from literally anywhere. For some reason, you can now dive deep underwater and search for treasure around shipwrecks, while hiding in seaweed from sharks. You also have access to a historically accurate spyglass that magically tells pirates the cargo and strength of the ship they're watching, because that's how pirates rolled back then, oh and also they omitted a small, insignificant detail... LOGIC!

Your weapons include the usual arsenal a Navy Seal has:

A dozen guns strapped to your body from head to toe
Two swords
Double sleeve knifes
Your hands
Ninja smoke grenades
A blowpipe with two different poisons
Money
Throwing knifes
A rope attached to a hook
A magic spyglass with X-rays

As usual, the game features a bunch of cities with different themes. You have a pirate city, a Spick city, and jungle villages. The part where you are actually on land, doing assassin things, you just tail people to listen to their shit or follow them to a location. You kill guards by hiding in a haystack and stabbing them in the butt, or by throwing screaming guards in a well without anyone hearing anything. That goes without saying that, as with every Ass game, our assassin is still incapable of crouching, so when moving from one bush to another, our character will instantly stand up like he forgot what he was doing, but everything is fine since the AI is completely retarded.

Assassinating characters in Assassin's Creed? "Fuck that!", said Ubisoft.

Ass Creed: Unitwat

	“	We'd be stupid not to release Assassin's Creed every year.	„
	—Ubisoft, showing off the fact that they obtain enormous amounts of jew gold every year from their retarded fan base

Should anyone be surprised that Ubisoft is making another Assassins Creed? Nope. But after two years of using Amurika as a setting, they've finally returned to Europe... only one problem... FRANCE!

They made a bad choice of having it take place in a setting as vile and disgusting as France. I know, shivers down your spine, because no one wants to play as a cheese-eating surrender monkey. Why wasn't Jebus born in France? Because God couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. Everyone knows French people are like Italians if they bathed in shit, fucked their fathers and had a huge fucking god complex (although most Italians have the latter as well). Plus, another new hero takes the mantle as the yearly mongoloid, this time a young assassin named Arnaud. This is confirmed, and yet Connor's fan base of dipshit fan girls and furries insist that it's actually their beloved Injun sexual fantasy. Even though the guy clearly has a completely different body shape. Oh, and Guillotines.

Development

The game began production shortly after Ass Creed III did in 2010. That's right, those asspies over at Ubisoft have been working on the fifth Assassins Creed game longer than the fourth. The big plan was to begin a next gen game before next gen was released. Because of this, they couldn't reuse and rehash old animations and engines like Ubisoft so very much loves to do. They decided to instead build new assets over the course of three years, opting to choose Smellyville as a setting.

Ass Creed IV Black Fag II: Electric Boogaloo

"One Assassins Creed game per year? Fuck that," Ubisoft proclaimed. And so, Assassins Creed: Rogue was born. The game where everything is the same as Black Flag. Literally everything. Gameplay, mechanics, engine, graphics, menus, even the fucking life bar is the same. In the game you follow an independent man who decides to follow his own Creed and fuck all of his friends over, and he's the captain of a ship. Sound familiar? The one difference is that instead of a hot headed butt pirate, you follow a Templar named Shay. It also takes place in the same setting as Assassins Creed III (We all know how THAT shit turned out). All for a very modest $59.99.

Development

Bill: Hey, Tom.

Tom: What's up?

Bill: So, I just realized something. Unity is only coming out on next gen consoles, right? There's only like, 15 million next gen consoles out there.

Tom: You're right. That simply will not do. We need more money than that.

Bill: I would say we could release a second game in the same year for Xbox 360 and PS3, but we shouldn't give our fans even more proof that we only care about money.

Tom: No, that's a brilliant idea! We should get to work immediately!

Bill: Hang on. We can't possibly develop a brand new game in the short time we have.

Tom: Sure we can! We'll just move all of the assets from Assassins Creed IV over to the new game, reskin some stuff, and add some new music, and presto! A new sixty dollar game.

Bill: Don't you think that might make some fans upset?

Tom: Don't worry, our fans are too stupid to notice. We could shit on a platter and sell it and they would still buy it at full price.

Ass Creed: Britfag Edition

As if this forsaken fucking franchise didn't need more evidence to its dying nature, Ubisoft introduces the beautiful land of London. That's right ladies and gentlemen, yellow teeth confirmed. In case you're not a faggot and don't play these stupid fucking games, the story follows Ashayshuns and Tamplersh fighting for control, each developing their own ways of peace and pure, unadulterated bliss. Twin Assassins Jacob and Evie Frie work to save the working class from wealthy people because clearly all wealthy people are murderous, disgusting individuals. They do this by uniting the city's vast amounts of gang lords, thieves, and rapists. Because justice! If you'd like to know more about Ubisoft's grand tale of bigotry and 'Oi! Cheerio, m8! Muy tee and crampets ah wahteng en muy bum', you should probably just off yourself right now because this franchise is officially dead.

Gallery

Gallery of Assassins About missing Pics

Altair IRL
Altair mah boi
Assassin skills can be applied to any real life situation.
Muslim rallies are a large part of gameplay.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

What would happen if the game was ported to Nintendo to suit its casual gamer base.
Typical fat person applying his assassin skills.
The sequel to Assassin's Creed IV.
He comes...
Ninjas are pansies.
Rule 34