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Final Fantasy VII
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FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE IS REAL!! |
Released in 1997 on the Sony PlayStation, accompanied by a flood of tears from Nintendo fanboys, Final Fantasy VII is a shitty RPG that remains popular, by fantards, even today. The main objective of the game is to use your math powers to attack (subtract) your anime opponents until they die. It is roughly the equivalent of pleasuring your math professor with a broomhandle while listening to annoying Japanese synth music. In addition to the game-play sucking, the story is even more horrible. Final Fantasy 7, as well as all other Final Fantasy games rely on cheap drama and a "deus ex machina," which is the proper term for a plot resolution that requires absolutely no set-up or skill to pull off.
The Game
Like any Japanese game that is commercially successful in the United States, it spawned a massive cult-following that continues to believe things about the game that have been categorically denied by the programmers, and are not included in the code such as resurrecting Aeris.
Fanboys of this game will stop at nothing to exalt the glories of just about everything that is contained within the three CDs that ship with their priceless commercial package. Apart from making literally over 9000 fanfics on fanfiction.net alone, there are endless sites and fanlistings about the game.
All will claim that the game is the most supremely important work of high art since "The Birth of Venus", and that it would translate well into just about any possible device of telling a narrative story. Most will claim that to enjoy the game, an above-average or higher intelligence is needed. Both can be categorically denied, given that the story is a disjointed mess of a generic save-the-world plot, told in increments of three or four lines of dialogue, no coincidence given that this is about the exact mass of information a teenage boy reared on Snickers and early-morning cartoons can take.
Despite what fanboys will tell you, the music is utterly incomparable to any work by any master writing in the Germanic tradition. It's your moderately well executed run-of-the-mill American movie-score job. FFVII fanboys can often be found fagging up the Wikipedia entry on the game, falsely thinking that anyone likely to read the article hasn't played through the game twice already.
This game marks the official start of the emo-fixation of the Final Fantasy series, focusing more and more on brooding, mysterious cry-baby characters too concerned about their own love-triangles to worry about trivial shit like insane Demi-Gods and gigantic, magical meteorites destroying their planet. They'll get to that later. It's also the first game in the series that encourages players to skip through as much of the game play as possible so that they can continue masturbating to cut-scenes.
Story
The story revolves around a badass Ex-SOLDIER with an impossibly giant sword (to compensate for his Micropenis) named Cloud Strife, who is found dazed and confused at the railway station by his teenage sweetheart, Tifa Lockheart. Tifa now belongs to the Marxist environmental terrorist group known as AVALANCHE. What AVALANCHE actually stands for is never revealed in the game, but a good guess is "All Valiant Alliances Lose All Nice Convictions, Hug Earwigs."
AVALANCHE is, initially, led by Barret Wallace. Aside from him and Cloud, it's composed of Tifa, two faggots with "Star Wars" names and a Dumb Lesbian Slut who has always harbored secret fantasies of scissoring Tifa. They trot around Midgar blowing up reactors that belong to the ShinRa Corporation (those evil capitalist bastards!) for the lulz and to save the planet. Mercifully enough, the latter three AVALANCHE members get offed violently by ShinRa in the first few hours of the game. Tifa, like the whore she is, willingly offers herself off as a sex slave to Don Corneo, in order to get information from him. So, you spend an hour to do boring, shitty and tedious sidequests to gather enough items to dress up like a girl, so you can infiltrate Don's hideout and save Tifa. If you try hard enough, Cloud gets picked by the Don himself, and you can even accept a kiss from him; proof that Cloud is gay. Also, if you talk to the right people at the right time, you can get a membership pass to the Honeybee Inn, a brothel and swinger's club. When inside, you can spy on some people (who roleplay and spoil the game's plot), black out after seeing your ghost or some shit, or get gang raped by a dozen middle aged queer men. Aeris gets abducted by ShinRa, so you spend another fucking hour doing tedious tasks to take her back, before climbing a great wall and infiltrating ShinRa HQ. A lot of shit happens, after which Cloud and his squad escape Midgar for the world beyond - being chased by a heavy vehicle in an epic escape off the highway. After which, Shinra Corp.'s "Turks", a group of trained secret police who would be better put to use as doormen for your local Chinese Laundromat/opium den. From this point on, the lulz really kick into gear as Cloud's tormented past begins to resurface.
But, we digress- let us rewind the plot, back to the destruction of state property.
Some time during the jihad, Cloud meets Aeris Gainsborough and develops as much of a love connection with her as an emotionally stunted Japanese man can program into a RPG, which is almost exactly equal to negative none. After she joins the party, Aeris lasts for Disc 1 of the game before she dies from being anally penetrated by the alpha bad-guy, Sephiroth. Many Final Fantasy VII fans will candidly relate that they cried during the funeral scene that followed, which just shows that they have the emotional capacity of a watermelon, and the social cognizance of Nickolaus.
The story proceeds through many standard twists and turns, including a sequence in which Cloud sits around doing nothing but staring into outer space and mumbling nonsense that would make an autistic 5-year old look like a Harvard grad until it is revealed that Cloud is a HUGE fucking liar. It turns out that he was a glorified cannon-fodder warrior that served under both Sephiroth and Aeris' ex-boyfriend Zack Fair. In a huge series of events that make shit amount of sense, Zack escapes from a lab with Cloud, who's now retarded. Shortly before they make their way safely into Midgar, Zack gets shot to death by dozens of Shinra soldiers and dies. Cloud, now traumatized, seeing Zack be all dead, and takes his sword. A lot of angst ensues for a while before he leaves him to rot in the hilly outskirts of the city. Cloud suffers an extreme personality and identity crisis, and for some reason thinks HE is Zack Fair. In reality, he was never even in soldier; he was just a failed rookie.
After seeing a weird monster from the center of the earth kill the Shinra Corporation's corrupt board of directors - or in other words, the planet acquiring Shinra through a VERY hostile takeover - and cutting time out of his not-so-busy schedule to take part in the obligatory "No one loves me" scene, Cloud goes and confronts Sephiroth at the Northern Crater. There, Sephiroth is planning on inflicting a huge wound to the planet via "Meteor", the Black Materia. This wound will, like the opening in Art Price's picnic table, provide an avenue for Sephiroth to become one with the planet and thus become God.
This makes it obvious to all but those that fell victim to the game's ability to suck out brain cells that Sephiroth's plans amount to the biggest skullfuck ever. Sephiroth mutates into two forms in order to destroy Cloud's rag-tag band of losers. These are "Easter Island Sephiroth" and "Antichrist Sephiroth." At the very end of the battle, Cloud goes unconscious after hearing Sephiroth laugh inside his mind, and falls into the lifestream in his mind; symbolically destroying Sephiroth in a final duel, by counter-attacking with a weak ass swing of his blade upon being brutally wounded, thus killing him in the faggiest way possible, unless by some miracle, you managed to play through an unbearable amount of tedious battle sequences in one of the game's better mini-games in order to obtain Cloud's ultimate limit break: Omnislash; in which case, you will be given two seconds to make Cloud go batshit insane on Sephiroth's mommy-loving ass, which is a slightly more manly solution, but still leads into the same non-ending as the former solution.
The ending cuts as the meteor is broken apart by flowing white strands. Then we're suddenly seeing several hundred years into the future, where Red XIII gazes downward upon Midgar (which is now abandoned and covered in many forms of plant life) with his CHILDREN?! Presumably he is able to have puppies with human women, especially seeing how some creepy scientist guy tried to make him rape Aeris earlier in the game.
Or maybe, and this presents itself as a much more likely conclusion to someone who wasn't ditching science class to smoke pot when the teacher gave his lesson on genetics, the story writers of FFVII are idiots since Red XIII is supposed to be the last of his kind.
THE END
Basically it's like watching Akira and Blade Runner fap into each other's faces for 100 hours, only much gayer.
Character Development
Cloud
The main hero, Cloud, is a silent emo so full of shit and self-doubt that he would make any other emo person on earth sound like an upbeat, sunshine loving hippy. When he gets two, yes, TWO hot babes totally willing to take it in the ass he treats them like utter shit, because he's got a bigger goal, to fuck Sephiroth.
Tifa
A whore with big tits who fancies the pants off Cloud, but he's too big of an emo tit to notice, so instead angsts about Sephiroth all the time. Tifa wants Cloud to be a TRUE HERO but the story line would actually need a good writer to do anything but meander uselessly. So instead she spends the entire game pining as useless support for useless Cloud and his struggle with his inability to be useful. Eventually they bond and she takes the role as silent eyecandy just like any good Jap would and agreeing endlessly with whatever hair is currently up Cloud's ass, what a refreshing character.
Aeris/Aerith/Aerigrabharblbraphl/
Aeris, known as Aerith by weeaboos, is the obligatory fake princess character in Final Fantasy 7 and possibly more famous for dying than Jesus, Micheal Jackson and Kurt Cobain put together. This evoked shock and disbelief from players whom apparently had never heard of a good story line at any part in their dull, meaningless lives (since there are none to be found in the games that they play).
A flower girl who lives in a church (read: prostitute). Used to fuck Cloud's dead gay lover Zack, then joined him after Sephiroth stabbed her with his unnecessarily long sword. They fuck in the afterlife, as pointed out by a scene in Advent Children. The only reason Zack likes sex with her though is due to the fact that her special white materia, in addition to being able to summon Holy, can make her grow a huge cock that she fucks him with.
Many fans believe she and Tifa had a friendly rivalry over Cloud, but in actuality they were lesbian lovers with Yuffie.
Weeaboos call her "Aerith" because that's apparently how the Japanese intended it to be spelled, because it means "earth" or some crap. Even worse, Square actually now calls her Aerith as well, and also pronounce it the same way despite it actually being pronounced as "Aeris" when spoken in native Japanese.
Barret Wallace
The fat ass Nigger, who is the leader of AVALANCHE, enjoys swearing and fisting the KKK up the ass with his typical Nigger gun. Barret has also been linked to the likes of Mr T. because of his highly unoriginal character design. Thanks, Tetsuyo Nomura!
Barret used to work in a mine mostly raping women and storing a huge amount of watermelons in the desert, then one day The Man came and attacked his homeland while him and his best mate were smoking crack down in one of the mines. After Barret's wife died, he finds Marlene, who was his best friend's stepdaughter. Like all niggers, he kidnaps the little white girl and takes her in as his own.
Red XIII/Nanaki/Furry
Red XIII is a fugly dog thing that can talk for some reason. We first see him as a horny dog inside a cage about to have sex with Aeris. Much to the disappointment of fellow zoophiliacs, this does not happen. It is understood that he and that supposedly Azn wannabe American Indian kid (what's-her-face) are having sex most of the time they're not playing.
Breeding with animals is not taboo in FF7's fucked up La-La land. His grandfather is a human which sort of makes you wonder what he got up to in his youth (obviously, fucking dogs, although he doesn't have a pelvis or legs, so either that's the punishment for going around fucking Scooby-doo or this involved some real kinky shit). Red XIII is full of angst just like every other Final Fantasy character, but then snaps out of it after he finds out his Dad really was an hero and was turned to stone. At which point, no one cares and want it to hurry up so they can see Aeris die.
Vincent Valentine
A boring as fuck character who spent the entire game angsting about his whore of a girlfriend Lucrecia (Sephiroth's real mother). He's sort of maybe a vampire, but enough of one that makes the faggot sparkling "vampires" from Twilight look like Bela Fucking Lugosi. He was a Turk until he started pissing and moaning about Hojo farting about with Jenova cells. So Hojo made him immortal and locked him in a coffin. Well, it's definitely one way to get rid of your problems.
He is clothed permanently in the kind of gear you'd see someone in one of those faggy goth clubs wearing. He was the only character in Advent Children who didn't have a change of attire which makes him a unsexy hobo. He had his own game, FFVII: Dirge of Cerberus, which was a gigantic pile of fail for 3 reasons:
- It played like total ass, and
- It introduced several plot elements that you are forced to accept have existed since before FFVII, despite the fact that they are never mentioned because the original plot was never intended to integrate them.
- It was full of blah blah blah and hardly ever shuts the fuck up. Play it for 15 hours and 10 of those are guaranteed to be dialogue and cutscenes. And not good ones.
Cid Highwind
A redneck who is at least 100 years old. Cid once planned to ride a Shinra rocket ship to outer space, however this did not happen due to his dumb cunt of an assistant. Cid's favorite hobbies are swearing, wife beating, smoking and fapping in front of his computer of porn. A true hero. Now, sit your ass down in that chair and DRINK YOUR GODDAMN TEA!
He is, by far, the most grounded, reasonable, down-to-earth, and sane character in the entire cast, which (combined smoking at least 100 packs a day) makes him a pretty cool guy.
Yuffy
16-year old who prides herself on being a Naruto fangirl and all-around weeaboo. Started wearing short shorts in a vain effort to please her incest-loving pedophile father, who thinks she has no tits and no ass. When that didn't work out, she contracted a massive case of kleptomania and began stealing everything in sight - especially Materia, which could be strung together into anal beads for dear old Daddy.
Living up to her namesake, she appears in the prequel as a child, BAWWWing at Zack because she fails. Feeling bad, Zack decides to help her find treasure because he made her cry; because he doesn't have the balls to live up to his bad ass SOLDIER namesake, and telling her to either STFU or gb2kitchen.
Being an anorexic, the ninja star that she wields for a weapon is ten times her own weight.
Cait Sith
Cait Sith is a cat robot sitting on another Moogle robot;because that's fucking kawaii. The cat itself is controlled by one of the Turks, Reeve, who decides to make the game a little more confusing by implying that at least one of the robots is part sentient, even though it isn't. From the moment you find him he won't leave you alone, becoming like the annoying friend or neighbor that won't shut up, shows up at your house unannounced and eats everything in your fridge. Also, he's a spy planning on killing you and your team, but he dies, only to be resurrected by SCIENCE and continue his shenanigans.
Cait Sith does nothing even remotely interesting; half of his attacks consist of running up to someone and bopping them with his fluffy paws. The other half reveal his compulsive gambling problem, and they all suck the dick off your 80 year old grandfather.
Genesis Rhapsodos
A new character introduced in Crisis Core, a shitty spinoff for the PSP that can really only be attributed to Sell-out-Enix's gayest desires to please fanboys worldwide with their 133t graphics, adding in some more unknown past to the original and yet-again changing the battle system to something that better resembles a driving simulator. Nomura gained creative control over the FFVII series, despite only being an artist on the original game. His designs often seem to indicate two things: he has an indescribable and incessant fetish for zippers and belts (see: Kingdom Hearts), and he gets a massive hard-on over Gackt, an immensely shitty J-Pop singer who is so obviously gay it turns gays straight through sheer embarrassment. He introduced a character based on the singer, who is actually a prototype for Sephiroth or something, and totally isn't a gigantic retcon.
Hojo
The anti-lulz of the game. Basically he fathered Sepiroth by means of stealing Vincent's gf. He spends the entire game helping Sephiroth and calling Cloud a failure. He tries to avoid the inevetable by letting Jenova rape his cells, but Cloud and co. ruined the fun by casting Knights of the Round on his sorry ass.
Sephiroth
Throughout the story this faggot keeps bitching because he can't become God for some reason.
Also known for his legions of screaming fantards. It is speculated that his hair lost all color because Summoner Yuna fapped on it.
Zack Fair
A character introduced halfway through the original game and only through a series of flashbacks. Zack was one of the few non-emo characters, and because of this went the way of Heath Ledger. He was the original user of Cloud's giant sword, was a ladies man and took Genesis to the cleaners. Cloud always angsts about not being able to live out his legacy, but he seems to have no problem stealing his shit and raping his women.
What wasn't well known about Zack was his love of CP, which is why he followed Yuffie to hell and back because he thought there would be something in it for him. However, the Shinra Army got wind of his antics and shot him dead.
The Turks
During the storyline of FFVII Cloud and gang encounter the Turks, from Shinra.
The Turks were once great people who killed off the Armenians in a lulzy genocide. However, after the genocide, they were captured by Squaresoft and were ordered to be in FFVII. The Turks were all turned into emo fucks, and were never heard from again.
The Turks use cattle prod nightsticks as weapons, which is the most genius invention since the Gunblade, except this one actually makes sense.
The characters include
- Reno: A redhead wigger with obsessive attraction to the word "Yo". He also unbuttons his shirt and flicks his collar up. 100 percent cool dude. Likes taking it in the ass from Rude, Rufus, Tseng, Cloud, Yazoo, Kadaj, Tifa, half of FFVIII and for some reason Vincent.
- Rude: A blind, bald nigger and sidekick to Reno. He uses fists, and not the cattle prod. May this lie further into his storyline? Or did he just leave it under Reno's bed? Most likely the second one, seeing as the two are never seen alone. However, Rubeus Eden has decided to transform Rude into a furry cracker.
- Tseng: The leader of the Turks or some shit. All that is known really is that he is an angst azn man with a bullet stuck right in the center of his head, and talks more on his mobile phone than a slutty dumbshit American teenage girl.
- Elena: A slutty dumbshit American teenage girl who tries incredibly hard to do her job right, when all she needs to do is just suck Tseng's cock, because the two are in a relationship or something. Also wants Tifa's over-sized tits in her face.
- Turks A-Z: Thanks to Rubeus Eden's brilliant mind, 26 Turks have been added to Shinra's roster. Each one has a codename which corresponds to a letter of the Romanic alphabet, such as "Gay" and "Loser" (srsly).
Don Corneo
This guy is the leader of a thieves' hideout and often pays girls to sleep with him and his allies. He's bascially a perverted mafia boss who thinks with his dick, and is also a pedophile as he has a special place in his heart for Yuffie, who's only a 16 year old girl. You spend an hour of this game trying to dress up like a girl so you can infiltrate his BDSM hideout and free Tifa. If you get the right clothes and accessories, you can get chosen by him to be raped, and can even go through with it until Aeris and Tifa stop you just in time. Your party threatens to mutilate, chop off, or crush his genitalia.
Later on, he flees Midgar as he was in deep shit with ShinRa for snitching out their plans to Cloud's party. The turks eventually catch up to him in Wutai, but his sexual appetite grows too strong and his dick takes over his brain. He gets caught by Cloud and the Turks, after he takes Yuffie and Elena hostage. Eventually, the enemies team up together to White Knight around their abducted girls. He gets shot in the dick with a silenced pistol, hanging on for his life, but falls off a mountain and meets his end - or so we thought. He comes back in that shitty PSP FF7 game but he's confined to a wheelchair.
Don Corneo is the best character in this stupid ass game.
Mukki
This guy pops up in the game a few times. He's a middle aged gay bodybuilder whom you can encounter in the honeybee in. He invites Cloud to his "Young bubby's group", but confused about his sexuality, Cloud refuses. He either slaps the shit out of Cloud to wake him up, or gang-rapes him with a bunch of his butt buddies. You encounter him a few times throughout the game at the lodges and hotels, where he says a few other creepy things to Cloud.
Communities
It is estimated that there are countless Final Fantasy VII related communities on LiveJournal alone, with many many more spanning the internet in its entirety. Each community, filled to the brim with nerds and fangirls, is virtually guaranteed at least one major drama per year.
Unfortunately for the majority of the time Final Fantasy VII communities are boring circle-jerks about Sephiroth that are punctuated only by a newbie discovering that Sephiroth is also the "emanations of God" in the Jew and posting this information to the community, despite it being common knowledge.
The typical contents of an FFVII related forum usually consists of
- Topics about which character is the hottest, arguments on whether Cloud wanted to fuck Aeris or Tifa, and the like.
- Fanfiction and fanart, usually of the lowest caliber (See Kurohime). Do not attempt to read these unless for the lulz. If you're looking for a good, gripping story, you're not going to find it here.
Sequels, Prequels, etc.
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Sometime around 2005, Squaresoft decided that the only way to crap it up even more was to make an awful second Square movie having to do with Final Fantasy VII. The movie plays out much like a really shitty, weeboo-ish fanfiction, with plenty of bawwing, buckles and belts and zippers and straps, emo faggotry, buckles and belts and zippers and straps, angst, buckles and belts and zippers and straps, and really long, shitty combat. Oh, and buckles and belts and zippers and straps. Did I mention buckles and belts and zippers and straps? Because what little of the movie isn't long, shitty, Dragon Ball Z-like combat consist mainly of looking at them. Seriously, even the Turks' suit jackets have zippers. Seriously.
In the beginning there's a battle with Cloud riding a fugly motorcycle the size of a tank getting chased by really cheesy bad guys (riding even fuglier, tank-sized motorcycles) that consists of breaking every law of physics there is multiple times, the Turks bug Cloud about some shit, you learn that lots of kiddos contracted the gay, bawwing and emo and angsty and boring parts here, Tifa gets in a fight that looks like an episode of Bleach, more bawwing and angsty and boring parts, battles, some emo faggot that's far too attached to his mother, boring parts, really long and shitty and awful battle here, another battle while the other is going, some gravity defying, battle, bawwing, battle, battle, battle, battle, cheesy parts, battle, battle, get back to the kitchen, bawwing, stupidly long and shitty battle, bawwing bawwing, bawwing.
Long story short, the only okay-ish part of the movie lasts 5 minutes, and consists entirely of every body and their dog telling Yuffie to shut the fuck up and go back to the kitchen. This is man talk.
Leave it to Squaresoft to grab a giant pile of shit and make it even shittier. If you still have Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, you're better off watching that instead of Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children.
After they made Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, Square decided not to fuck around with making anymore shitty movies and focus on more shitty games.
Character Cameos
Since Squaresoft knew that it was all downhill from here, they decided to whore out FF7 characters as much as possible by giving them cameos in the rest of their games till the end of time. Cloud, Aeris, Sephiroth, and the rest of the douchebags make cameos in Kingdom Hearts, Halo: The Movie, Kill Bill volume 3' and Final Fantasy Tactics. But seriously guys, no one cares.
Gallery
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Typical random encounter -
Secret subquest -
summon holy they said -
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How Tifa got her boobs huge -
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Secret date with Barret -
External Links
- The boardroom meetings' archive. (Wayback Machine Link)
- Some people take this shit too far.
- Fanboys seem to get REALLY pissed off at this.
Tifa Lockhart's YouTube channel.
See Also
- Aeris
- Sephiroth
- Final Fantasy Tactics
- Final Fantasy IV
- Final Fantasy VI
- Final Fantasy VIII
- Final Fantasy XI
- Final Fantasy XIII - Where the protagonist is Cloud's Rule 63 character Lightning.
- Final Fantasy XIV
- Kingdom Hearts
- The Moogle Cavern
- The World Ends With You
- Quest 64
- Cactuar
- Helm
- More insipid fanboyism
- Axelswife1 Notable horse-faced cosplayer
- Ondore
- Rubeus Eden
- Shinra Online
Final Fantasy
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Final Fantasy VII is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article September 9, 2006 | ||
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