Billy Martin

	“	You’re fired.	„
	—Oh that George Steinbrenner, always making jokes.

File:Billy1.jpg

Later in his career, kicking dirt on an umpire.

Long known as one of professional sports bad-guys, upon closer inspection Billy Martin, professional baseball player and team manager, was not only a sports bad-guy, he was also one of the top five IRL trolls and bastards in modern history. He was a loud, obnoxious, violent drunk who was a master of psychological manipulation, often pushing those around him to the point of suicide. Folks who read and understand Encyclopedia Dramatica could do well to learn from this master of the ancient art of deliberate mental discombobulation.

History

A rare moment on the set of a Lite beer commercial. What makes this rare is the fact that the two men aren't trying to kill each other.

	“	"Because I didn't want you to know that you were named after the Jackass."	„
	—Joan Martin explaining why Billy was never told his real first name.

Young Billy was raised by his mother who did the often tiring and taxing job by herself. Billy’s real name was Alfred, but she knew that any kid who grew up in their tough neighborhood with a name like Alfred would be beaten daily and twice on Saturdays. She nicknamed Alfred “belo” which finally became the nickname “Billy.” This first act of subterfuge on Billy’s mother’s part would mold Billy and set the tone for his deceptions and stratagems for the rest of his life.

Baseball

Billy, the All-Star coach and very drunk. Joe DiMaggio (to his left) wishes he were someplace...anyplace else.

	“	Everything looks nicer when you win. The girls are prettier. The cigars taste better. The trees are greener.	„
	—Billy would kill his own grandmother to win a game.

Because he was a violent punk, there was a chance that we would never have had the chance to hear of Billy Martin, however, due to the fact that he discovered baseball, we are treated with his soap opera-like dramas to this day.

As A Player

	“	I may not have been the best Yankee to put on the pinstripes, but I am the proudest.	„
	—Billy said this so many times, they put it on his tomb marker.

Billy played baseball in his high school and figured out early on that he wasn’t worth a shit unless he was on the ball diamond. His grades were crappy and his overall attitude was comparable to that of a starving hyena with a case of bleeding rectal fissures. He left high school for a career in baseball and because of his devotion to the sport would play for just about anybody.

Somehow, Casey Stengel managed to coach the young Martin and saw some sort of spark in his play and his “zest for the game.” This would lead Stengel to assume the father figure in Billy’s life and for about a decade the two were inseparable. Because he was given a chance to play in the major leagues with the New York Yankees, Martin would go on to win several individual awards and five World Series titles. This chance would also introduce Billy Martin to Mickey Mantle, Whitey Ford, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and Jose Cuervo. All of whom would become Billy’s great friends for the rest of his life.

As A Coach

File:Billy2.jpg

The famous "Pine Tar Incident." Billy is in there someplace and George Brett is the guy wanting to kill him.

Once playing on the field was over for Billy, he turned to the only other job available to a person of his meager skills: coaching. He had very little success coaching for a lot of losing ball clubs throughout the late 60’s and early 70’s until another Yankee gave him a chance again. This time, the Yankee in question was George Steinbrenner, owner of the team. This would begin a 15-year love/hate affair between the two men, both egomaniacs, which would re-write the rules of baseball, bastards, and trolling in one fell swoop.

Though Billy did win several pennants for Steinbrenner, he only managed to win one World Series for his boss. Anytime anything ever happened in regards to anything, Steinbrenner would fire Billy in a fit of fat rage that would make erupting Vesuvius look like a pimple.

Fired

	“	"In Calgary tonight, Katarina Witt won the gold medal in figure skating, prompting Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire manager Billy Martin."	„
	—Dennis Miller

Billy was the coach of the New York Yankees a total of five times. Sometimes he was fired for something that was his fault, like trying to kill his star player in his own dugout. Sometimes he was let go on a whim by Steinbrenner. The best example of this was when Steinbrenner fired Martin over a spat with a marshmallow salesman.

In historical retrospect, it must be realized that both men were completely insane and were locked in some epic mental struggle over who would be the “Top” in their homoerotic relationship.

The number and severity of Martin’s firings could have only been perpetrated by:

A woman

A male taking female hormones

A fat old man dressed in drag

All of the above

Coaching Style

Telling Carlton Fisk that his wife is a lesbian.

	“	The two of them deserve each other. One's a born liar, the other's convicted.	„
	—Talking about Reggie Jackson and George Steinbrenner.

Billy Martin was known for his “out of the box” mannerisms when dealing with the intricate strategies of baseball. No, no, that isn’t true. Billy Martin was known for being a drunk and making a lot of mistakes that often turn out lucky for people who drink like crazy. Several times in his coaching career, he would pull stars out of a game for not running down fly balls, he would put pitchers in his outfield, he would send pitchers up to bat (in the American league, pitchers do not bat, there is a designated hitter), and he would often try to punch his own players in the home dugout. While most sports writers and tacticians considered Billy to be a maestro for his approach to the game and for his odd behavior, most people who know nothing of the sport will realize that he was just bombed out of his mind because he went out drinking the night before the game with his usual band of thugs.

Paranoia

Reggie Jackson thinks Billy is fucking crazy to this day.

After winning the World Series. Yogi, George, and Billy.

Because he was constantly being fired and re-hired, he was constantly suffering hangovers, and also because thought and re-thought the game over and over in his mind, Billy began to think that people were out to get him. Of course, when you try to plot out a game 15 moves in advance on a hunch about what your opponent might or might not do, people might consider you unreasonably paranoid. This was far from the truth though, because of his antics both on and off the field, everybody was, in fact, out to get him. The players union, the league umpires, and several other teams would have loved to put Billy into an early grave…if only for the fact that he made them look like retards.

Here is a small list of people who wanted to kill Billy Martin:

George Brett

Art Fowler

Reggie Jackson

Bob Lemon

Fenway Park…yes, all of it. In fact, it probably extends out to the whole greater Boston area.

Professional Fighting Career

	“	I'm getting smarter, I finally punched something that couldn't sue me.	„
	—He hated getting sued.

Billy Martin was a well know drunk who did not have a large physical stature. Because of this, many people thought it was wise to approach the man, while he was drinking, and attempt to explain to him the finer intricacies of baseball. This tactic, often attempted in bars, would frequently lead to somebody being put in the hospital, somebody being charged with assault, and Billy Martin being fired the next day by George Steinbrenner. Billy was an excellent fighter who delighted in shoving a beer glass into the ass of anybody who questioned his coaching style. While he was fighting he had an overall record of 14-0 with several knockouts and a few broken arms. He was so feared by fellow bar denizens, he was asked to host Wrestlemania in 1985.

Death

Billy's driver's license. He looks crocked in the picture.

So long, asshole...

Upon hearing that he would be re-hired as the Yankee’s head coach for the sixth time, Billy Martin and a bodyguard went out to celebrate. On the drive home, the truck they were in slid into a gully and Martin was killed. At first, several people tried to say that Martin was behind the wheel, but later evidence would prove that Martin was in the passenger seat and died due to impact. Some also speculate that the reality of the situation was that Steinbrenner had hired him yet again, causing Martin to have an extended heart attack that lasted several hours and only culminated in a blood curdling yell of “THAT DIRTY FAT FUCKERRRRRRRRRR…*hnng*”

Quotes

Billy having a "Billy momment."

	“	When you start talking about firing him as manager of the New York Yankees, you might as well stab him with a knife	„
	—Sparky Lyle

	“	I believe if God had ever managed, he would have been very aggressive, the way I manage.	„
	—Billy was actually Jesus Christ.

	“	I've always said I could manage Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini and Hirohito. That doesn't mean I'd like them, but I'd manage them.	„
	—Billy said this about three thousand times.

	“	All I know is, I pass people on the street these days, and they don't know whether to say hello or to say good-bye.	„
	—On his career with Mr. Steinbrenner.

	“	If there's such a thing as a good loser then why do we keep score?	„
	—Billy on the intricacies of competition.

Legacy

Lou Pinella learned the "dirt kick" from Billy Martin

And so did Phil Wellmen in one of the funniest baseball moments of all time.

In a baseball world dominated by what is called the “steroid era” Billy’s brand of cheating is still considered “high art” by his surviving friends and peers while the media considers steroids to be an anathema to the game. In reality, there is no big difference. Baseball is a game that is played by dirty bastards and liars. Billy’s brand of coaching and psychological mind-fuckery is still practiced by many managers and players in this modern day and age.