Kevin and Kat

Warning! The following is indisputable evidence that the Internet should be turned off.

Kevin and Kat (hereafter known as Kevin and Ferris), sometimes called "Kevkat" and not to be mistaken for TomKat, is a narcissistic two-headed mutant creature which was produced from incest in Monroe, Louisiana.

The Two Biggest Dumb Fucks in the Western Hemisphere: Kevin and Kat, who also happen to be dork-assed Rennies, showing off their Ren Faire Finest, also known as the clothes they spent 8,000 American Dollars on instead of paying the dentist to remove the calcified cum stains they both have on their teeth.

The creature masquerades as two dysmorphic, overweight, and unbelievably miserable people named Kevin (the Oliver Twist boy), and Ferris, the pill-popping gold-digging whore who fucks around on Kevin, yet manages to convince him that she's been faithful to him every step of the way, so that she can keep getting fed and fucked by him, even though he sucks in bed by her own admission.

Kevin and Kat are seen at an early stage of development, in this rare file photograph of their spawning tank.

Kevin is a short and fat ghey wapanese wetback nerd who thinks he is Buddhist, but in reality he's a big dorky closeted homosexual bitch who stalks people on the internet, and who has anger issues because he knows, deep down, that Son_of_art fucked his girlfriend, back when she was 155 pounds lighter.

Teh internets simply lacks the space to tell the entire true story of these two twistoids, but in the spirit of lulz and pwning these two fucktards, we have to try.

The Prize-Fighting IRA Bitch... NOT!

Ferris has to be met to be believed. Suffice it to say that she comes from Whitetrashville, Mississippi, but she managed to act just pathetic enough (and become just skilled enough polishing knobs) to convince old men to give their pension money to her, to pay for classes at a small university not far from Whitetrashville.

Ferris, never one to be stopped by the facts, claims to be Irish, even though she doesn't have a drop of Irish in her, and claims furthermore to be from Surrey, England, in her Live Journal info. She is obssessed with all things English, to further obfuscate her own white trash origins, and claims to be "Irish" because she lacks any sense of personal cultural identity. This isn't surprising, considering she's a fat, ugly midgetwhore who came from Mississippi, where no one has any cultural identity. She makes up for her utter lack of beauty by imagining that she looks just like many beautiful actresses, and tries to mimic their characters IRL, including dressing like them and dyeing her hair.

The renowned whore Kat/Ferris, trying her best to be someone she isn't- in this case, "Death" from the works of Neil Gaiman (notice the actual images of Death given in the upper right corner of this image, and compare to the white trash girl trying to be Death).

Here are four of the beautiful, successful, and attractive famous actresses that Ferris thinks she bears some resemblance to (LOL). She also tries to act like them, dress like them, and in all ways possible, steal their screen personas, to make up for her lack of personality and looks.

She calls herself a "prize fighter", and she SWORE in her old Live Journal that when she saw two people that she accused of stalking her again, she was going to look them in the eye and tell them off. What happened when she saw them again, a few weeks later, at a festival in Monroe, Louisiana? She RAN- literally ran- to her idiot boyfriend Kevin and began shaking and crying and being hysterical (her usual state of mind), and they had to leave the fair, immediately. PRIZE FIGHTER BITCH: Zero Points. Down in round one.

She walks around terrified of all the people she used to be friends with that she managed to fuck over and piss off, ducking into buildings to avoid them when they see her, and now does the same thing in the city of New Orleans, where she fled to, ostensibly to pursue another useless degree but really to hide from the people who hate her (also known as "everyone") and to find another sugar daddy- one that has money, style, and a substantial penis that can actually get hard more than once a month, unlike Kevin.

It's good that she left Monroe, Louisiana: the entire English and History departments at the university there hated her within an inch of her worthless life, and everyone talked shit about her behind her back. It didn't help that she lied everytime she opened her mouth, fucked rich men and tried to act wealthy, sucked the cocks of the university goats and pigs and campus policemen, and tried to accuse everyone of plagiarizing her work.

In a stroke of genius, the head of the English department refused to have anything to do with her and refused to give her a job in his department. Kevin's mother works in the English department, and refused to stand up for Ferris because she (like everyone else who isn't Kevin) can't fucking stand Ferris.

Ferris, like all dumbass attention whores, is eaten up with mental illnesses, including "anxiety disorder", for which she pops pills like M&M's. Sadly, lacking the money she needs to get her medicine regularly, she had to make do with illegal drugs and alcohol. She became a pill-headed drug-addict who attempted suicide by overdose twice, both times being saved by a friend that she later began to hate and talk shit about.

Ferris dated Frank for a time, coming to see him as her father, but angrily taunting him and making him cry on his deathbed at the hospital after she discovered that he wasn't really going to be able to leave her much money.

HIS NAME WAS FRANK

Ferris tried her hand at some good old fashioned Gold Digging early in life. By age 14, she was fucking men that she thought looked rich enough to get her away from her duties milking goats and giving blowjobs in Mississippi. Lacking a father-figure in her life, she jumped into bed with a man far old enough to be her father; his name was FRANK. Frank was a lawyer in Bastrop, Louisiana, a town (if possible) even more saturated with rednecks than Mississippi.

Frank was a good man, but he had a weakness for poor little headcases like Ferris, and he gave her the money and father-figure she needed. He died of cancer finally, though it's equally as possible that Ferris killed him by constantly talking to him and making his blood pressure shoot up with her annoying, whiny bitch voice. It was during this period in her life that Ferris (withdrawing deeper into greed and psychosis) began to imagine that Frank was ACTUALLY her father.

When Frank died, he asked that what he had left in his estate be given to Ferris. But due to high hospital bills, he had two dollars and fifteen cents left over. Ferris threw a fit and began stealing property from this poor dead man's home and harrassing his family, who had to get the police to make her leave them alone.

Burned out, and with only two dollars and fifteen cents to her name, Ferris took what furniture she could get from Frank and moved into a small apartment complex, sucking dicks to pay rent. While walking around on campus, she was telling everyone that her "father" was in "Australia". What Ferris didn't realize was that the rest of the staff and students at her university knew that the man she was fucking for money was dead, and they were shaking their heads as she walked around lying about him, calling him her "father" and saying that he was in "Australia".

To escape the fact that she was despised and hated by everyone, even to the point that she claimed people were trying to kill her, Ferris decided to change her name. She narrowed the list down to "Katrina Muhoney Talbot" (mixing together something that was Irish sounding with the name of an Englishman she saw on television) or "Mary O'Malley Gilliam" for maximum "Irish" impact, and maximum distance from her bullshit white trash origins. Later, she realized that changing names costs money, and she couldn't find enough cocks to suck to make the needed cash.

Ferris the Whore Meets Kevin the Dorky Little Virgin

While living alone and sucking the dick of a local newspaper editor, Ferris met Kevin, Monroe, Louisiana's only 25 year old virgin. Kevin was a little Hispanic wetback nerd, with an deliciously plump, fag-baiting ass packed tight and round with fat and which always seemed fatter because he squeezed himself into very tight pants (which he never found out was the reason the local gentlemen of color were so inordinately nice to him). He was also a student at the same University as Ferris and just as hated in the ULM Languages department, where he was majoring in English. He was the Latin-speaking nerd and the little fucking asshole who thinks he's better than other people because he speaks more than one language. In his very nerdy, small-dick world, people who can't speak more than one language (whom he scornfully refers to as "monoglots") are second class citizens. While other guys were off getting laid and being normal kids, Kevin was playing role-playing games and video games.

The real reason why he's such a steaming fucktard is because he was the short, fat little nerd who was picked on every day of his life from grade school. By the time he was in college, he was devoted to the idea of exceeding the strong, popular boys who actually got to have sex with women by using his brain, doing math problems, and reading Latin. If Kevin could actually get off his fat ass and work out, he'd be a bully with muscles; instead, he became a "BRAIN BULLY", but he still wasn't getting laid.

To make himself even more insufferable to others, Kevin became an atheist, so that he could look down on religious people. He became a vegetarian, so that he could look down on people who eat meat. Thanks to these fine dork attributes, he became an EVEN LARGER FUCKING ASSHOLE than he was before, even though all his former friends didn't think it was possible. Kevin, hating all things white or American, tries his best to be Chinese, but only ends up coming off as a retarded fucking wapanese bitch. He is second only to Hidoshi in how fucking stupid and obnoxious he is at being wapanese.

He claims to be staunchly anti-capitalist, and a communist or socialist; he claims to be a Zapatista, even though he also tries his best to hide the Hispanic heritage that he is so ashamed of.

Kevin grins a playful grin in this candid photograph of him preparing to go visit the man he was dating before he raped Ferris and began dating her.

By the time he became a little whiny dickhead that had almost no friends, he was perfectly ready to meet Ferris and begin the greatest period of his life: dating a girl that was a universally reviled, drug-addicted, gold-digging whore.

Life in the Gulag: The Kevin Routine

Kevin managed to talk Ferris into having sex with him (while she was in a drug-induced stupor), and they began to date. It was almost like a poorly-written adult sitcom: a drug addicted, used-up whore with aspirations of high-class riches and a pretend education dating a chubby-assed dork virgin who was also an insufferable know-it-all. But there was nothing funny about what came next.

Kevin does a little spin as he contemplates how much better he is than everyone else. Meanwhile, other people are still getting laid with hot women, while he's fucking a fatass little pill-popping whore.

Kevin set about "repairing" Ferris. He subjected her to the Kevin Routine, designed to make her a suitable female for himself.

The Kevin Routine consisted of:

-Convincing Ferris to move in with him, and give up her apartment, and any freedom or privacy;

-Calling Ferris "Fat" in front of other people (even though his ass looks like a hundred pounds of chewed bubble gum);

-Making fun of the way Ferris talks (like a redneck hayseed from Redneckville, LA) and telling her that "no one would take her seriously in academia unless she spoke differently";

-Forcing Ferris to stop eating meat and making her become a vegetarian like him, and throwing tantrums when he found her storing a meat product- shrimp curry- for a friend in his refrigerator;

-Calling Ferris a "drug addict" and making her feel bad constantly about her former habits, and even once throwing her out of the house when he caught her smoking a cigarette;

-Refusing to help Ferris get the anti-anxiety medication she needed, calling her "drug addict" and preaching his idiot asshole belief that Ferris' shrink was just trying to "addict" her to drugs, on behalf of the evil drug companies, and making Ferris believe that she could "cure" herself with his bullshit techniques of meditation and "rational" thinking;

-Throwing violent tantrums and causing Ferris to have an anxiety attack because she spilled some tea into his bag of "Splenda" sweeteners (Kevin is morbidly afraid of anything fat because he himself is such a fatass, and (like all people in denial) he projects this fear onto every fat lardass he comes across and hates them. He thinks being a vegetarian and using Splenda will stop him from getting fat, but he was already fat, like all vegetarians; eating almost nothing but potatoes, pasta, and carbohydrates packs fat on his ass every day.

-Making fun of Ferris' eating habits, and calling them "trailer park"- for instance, Ferris enjoys eating crackers with her spaghetti (don't ask; it's a white trash prostitute thing) but Kevin actually said, in front of other friends, when Ferris asked him for crackers to go with her spaghetti: "Sorry, I guess I didn't learn to eat in a trailer park."

This hot Asian woman doesn't even know that Kevin exists, but this picture of her has made him capable of having sex with Ferris on the few nights they've tried.

-Force-feeding Ferris breakfast cereal, by violently grabbing the hand that she was holding her spoon with, to force her to stop "clinking" the spoon against her teeth, because the noise was annoying him- all this to demonstrate the "proper" way of eating things with a spoon

-Sucking in bed, and sexually frustrating Ferris, and preferring to play video games rather than have sex with her

-Making Ferris feel less attractive than the Asian whores that he beats off to in his Asian porn collection on his computer.

-Emptying Ferris's bank account and making her financially dependant on himself for food and to finish her "degree" from the local university, and even forcing her to sell her shitty car for 300 dollars, further cutting down her ability to travel at all without being given rides by him, or using his car.

-Preventing Ferris from watching her favorite movies: The "Kill Bill" series by Quentin Tarantino, believing that they were "too violent" for her.

-And finally, last but not least, forcing Ferris to have an abortion. (See next section)

Ferris, not used to being dominated so firmly by such a pathetic man, but hating her mother too much to try and leave Kevin and go home or to ask for money, found herself more thoroughly fucked than she had ever been by any rich older man.

The Sad Fate of Invader Sophie

Kevin and Ferris were too fucking stupid to use birth control or condoms (though the rest of the world begged them to), and Ferris got pregnant. Kevin, the 24 year old big fucking child himself, immediately threw a hissy fit. Though Ferris wanted to name the "girl" "Sophie", Sophie was never destined to make it out of the womb because of Kevin's jealousy, immaturity, and stupidity. Of course, we musn't heap all the blame on Kevin, even if he does deserve most of it; Ferris was also lazy, selfish, and a fucking whore bitch as well, and let him talk her into the abortion.

Kevin is the member of the unholy pair who actually talked Ferris into (read: forced her to) having the abortion. His case against his developing daughter can be outlined as such: (And these are his words):

-It is a scientific fact, Kevin said, that women who have babies often let the babies come between them and their male significant others. The child would come between them, so it should be aborted;

-The abortion was not a big deal, because the child was not really a human being, just a "lump of cells" (like a "tumor", as he called it);

-The child was causing Ferris too much pain (she had a minor medical condition associated with the pregnancy) and he couldn't, in "good conscience", live with himself knowing that "something" that he "put in her" was causing her such discomfort.

Kevin began literally poking at Ferris' belly, and referring to the fetus inside as "The Invader". He finally began threatening to leave Ferris; he stated that under NO circumstances would the child ever have his last name, nor would he be responsible for it, and finally, when he threatened to kill himself if Ferris had her baby, Ferris went and had it murdered at a cheap abortion clinic in Jackson, Mississippi.

To cover this event, which Kevin was TERRIFIED his parents would find out about (but you can tell them by calling #30 on this list), Ferris lied and told all of their other three friends that she had a "bladder infection". Then they both went and became fucking baby-killing murderers.

The True Life Affair with Son_of_Art

You won't believe this next part, but we assure you, it actually happened. Kevin had a friend who lived in New Orleans, Louisiana, who moved back to Monroe (where Kevin was busy fucking up the life of Ferris and being the little shit he is)- this friend was none other than the famous Son_of_Art. He had been friends with Kevin before he moved to New Orleans and made contact with him upon moving back. Kevin and Ferris went to his house, and Ferris and Son_of_Art became friends.

They became friends because while Kevin was at work teaching high school and calling his students "niggers" and "thugs" to all of his friends at home (an odd thing for him, considering he was never racist before he and his bad temper had to teach public school), Ferris was taking his car and visiting son_of_art every morning and having sex.

A Titanic Sex Scene

On the first morning Ferris fucked Son_of_art, he was up and about his house, and she entered his bedroom and slid under his covers. When he returned to his bed, she said to him "I want to do something devilish." When asked what that might be, she said I want to show you my breasts, so that you can see how much they look like Kate Winslet's from Titanic. She proceeded to get up, and disrobe before the lascivious eyes of Son_of_art who then soundly fucked her, making her squeal in a way that Kevin never could. This amounted to an initial pity fuck, as Ferris had spent weeks crying and whining to Son_of_art about the routine that Kevin was putting her through. It turned into a month's worth of pity fucks.

Kevin, who was a regular asshole to Son_of_art at times when they visited one another, made Son_of_art's job easy- what guy wouldn't fuck the girlfriend of a guy who treated him like shit? Besides, Ferris had not yet gained the 155 pounds that she put on later, so she was moderately fuckable at the time.

This affair continued for three months. Ferris would come over every day to fuck, bitch about Kevin, vent her frustrations and hatred for him to Son_of_art, and eat hamburgers behind Kevin's back. One day, Son_of_art and Ferris even went to Kevin's own house while he was gone, and fucked each other in his bed and in other rooms in his house.

It All Comes Tumbling Down

Ferris, true to her sociopathic nature, waited until the high school that Kevin worked at let out for the summer; then, to hide her affairs (which could not continue due to Kevin being home all the time) broke off all contact with Son_of_art and his closest male friend, Seth, whom she also tried to fuck, and began telling Kevin that she was "being stalked" by Son_of_art. Son_of_art, in a rare show of conscience, decided that due to the fact that EVERY single human being that Ferris ever met or made friends with later came to hate her, it was possible that Ferris had over-stated her case against Kevin, and came clean. He met Kevin in person, admitted to the affair, turned over actual evidence of the affair, and apologized.

Kevin is seen here being executed by the Vietnamese Government for being a total fucking dumbass, and for being in denial about his girlfriend sleeping around on him.

Kevin, whose massive pride and narcissism would never allow him to imagine that the one girl who would open her legs for him could ever actually sleep around on him, refused to believe the sad truth. He decided that Son_of_art had overnight become a computer hacker expert and had "falsified" both emails and Live Journal pages where Ferris admitted to the affair, and believed Ferris when she denied the entire incident.

He joined her in calling Son_of_art a "stalker" and even called the police on Son_of_art, only to have them laugh at him. Kevin, the big fucking douchebag, refuses to admit the truth even to this day, even though he believes that it happened deep down. How does the world know that he believes it?

Kevin Jacks off Dani

Over a year after Kevin and Ferris "broke all contact" with Son_of_art, Kevin went onto the website of Dani Faulk and began talking shit about Son_of_art and even e-mailed a letter to Dani Faulk, all of which can be seen at Dani's retarded website. The "Email from an ex-friend" that Dani makes available at this link is from Kevin, who also speaks against Son_of_art in the shout box (as "Amicus"). Notice how Kevin's version of the facts omits Son_of_art FUCKING HIS GIRLFRIEND over and over.

Kevin is shown here, in a very recent photograph, after surviving the gunshot to the head inflicted on him by the Vietnamese Government after they found out what a stupid fuckstain he was. Note the Hispanic heritage that has clearly come out in him, along with his many chins.

Stalking anyone? Obsession? No, not Kevin! He's too busy being a faggot in New Orleans, Louisiana, teaching "elementary Latin" at Tulane University, as you can see from the schedule here: (second instructor down). The Tulane faculty is very proud to have such fine, upstanding individuals teaching Latin 101 to their bored incoming freshmen. It is believed, however, that there are more white people at Tulane for Kevin to teach, so that he doesn't have to make racist remarks about black people, like he did about the black high school students who didn't give a shit about the Latin he tried to teach them. Kevin is pursuing a Classical Studies degree at Tulane, putting off living in the real world as long as he can, and trying to get a degree that he can be proud of while working in a fast food drive-thru.

Kevin and Ferris Kill Thousands of People

In an act of righteous anger and justice, God, who could no longer stand Ferris or Kevin, decided to kill them both. The DAY after they moved to New Orleans, Hurricane Katrina struck, destroyed everything they owned, and forced them to return to Monroe, Louisiana. Thousands of people died so that God could take a shot at these two fucks. Sadly, they escaped with their lives, but they had to be subjected to humiliation back in Monroe, where the city-wide party that was thrown to celebrate them leaving was still going on.

This photo shows some of the devastation caused by Kevin and Ferris, when they brought Hurricane Katrina down on the residents of New Orleans

The fact that these two shitfucks survived Hurricane Katrina answers an ages-old philosophical question: it is certain now that God either isn't real, or isn't as powerful as most people let on. Kevin and Ferris actually RETURNED to the University in Monroe, while living with Kevin's parents, and had to be further humiliated, being unable to be pretentious fuckstains in New Orleans, where both had planned to be graduate students.

A very long few months then dragged on, until they finally left again, and to this day, New Orleans is where they live. They both work at their respective universities, while Ferris looks for a new sugar daddy to fuck and leave Kevin over. It is hoped that at some future date, a black person thug in New Orleans will rape and kill Ferris and shoot Kevin down in the streets, and thus remove the scourge of Kevin and Ferris from the human race forever. Until that happy day, there is always a danger that Ferris will conceive again and spawn offspring. However, most people aren't too scared by this possibility; Ferris has shown her willingness to murder one child, and there's no reason to assume that she wouldn't do it again and again.

Ferris poses for a fake execution, which makes the rest of the world depressed at how fake the axe was. Notice how good Ferris is at having a dead look in her eyes. We can all only cross our fingers and hope.

The Laughs Never End

You can actually see Ferris lying about her background and her home of origin at her Live Journal. Notice how she claims to be from "Surrey, England" here.(This website has been deleted, probably from so many people hating this bitch) Notice the list of schools in England that she never attended, and take note of the fact that she actually gets honest and lists UNO as her current school, which it is. You can visit the basic English class she teaches by seeing her schedule Here. She's the third Graduate assistant from the Bottom. Take note, gentle readers, of the email address. But be careful if you decide to visit- if you tell her you came to see her after seeing this article, she may have an anxiety attack and die.

While busy claiming to look like all sorts of sexy women, she has currently centered her lack of personality on Helena Bonham Carter, as anyone can see who looks at her LJ icons here.

The only thing really honest about her Live Journal is the name: Little Goblin. That describes her perfectly.

Kat/Ferris Finds Yet Another Dolt That is Desperate Enough to Fuck Her and Screws Over Kevin

This just in! Kevin and Ferris have broken up! The KevKat entity is no more, and Kevin has reverted back to his virginal, whiny, nasty spic-assed fucktard self. Now that he's lost the one person would spread her legs for him, Kevin has devolved back into the little pussy asshole he was before, and become 145% more pathetic. I mean, let's face it; he was far more interested in computer games than he was in Kat/Ferris' badly-stretched cunt, but it was nice for him to have the option of fucking a warm body, as opposed to his hand and his online Asian porn collection.

FedEx and KevEx are now brothers under the skin, joined together in the painful loss of their women- except that Kevin Federline was fucking a woman that was way prettier, way smarter, and way classier and wayyyy the fuck richer than Ferris/Kat could ever hope to be. With any luck, KFed may land more rich, blonde pussy, but KevEx will only land his right hand and a jar of vaseline for "sex breaks" during the times he has his latest favorite computer game on pause.

But now she's gone, having found an older man father figure who will "protect" her, let her eat meat, let her smoke, and let her use drugs. He may even feed her something other than the oriental flavored ramen noodles that Kevin gave her. Without a doubt, her new dumbass squeeze is fucking her brains out as this article is being written, and she's screaming her lungs out in a way that she never did with Kevin. Whoever the new fool is, he is expected to last for about 3 months, before she uses him up and dumps him too. Hopefully, unlike Kevin, he won't alienate all of his friends before that happens, and won't find himself alone in a huge city, jacking off and fighting with people on teh internets. By now, Ferris/Kat has accused Kevin of "stalking" her (read: trying to call her, talk to her, or accidentally driving down the same road as her) at least 15 times and she's run to the phone shrieking and crying and filed police reports against him.

Kevin is now called KevEx, and can join Kevin Federline in a career being an even bigger fucking loser. His hatred for women has now increased 178%, and you can be sure that soon he will begin fantasizing about killing women while beating off and dreaming about Ferris/Kat, all to take out his frustrations on the fucking whore. He's too big of a pussy to actually hurt anyone or beat the living fuck out of Ferris, which she richly deserves. As the crime situation in New Orleans deteriorates, there is still a good hope that Ferris and KevEx will end up murdered. Perhaps Kat/Ferris' new pimp will just save some scumbag criminal the time and drown her used-up ass in the Mississippi River. Let's hope he does it before Kat/Ferris murders yet another baby.

External Links

Ferris' Livejournal (Please note how she belongs to the Live Journal community "I_R_A Bitches" and "Imissmydad" even though her father isn't actually dead.) BALEETED

See Also

• Wapanese
• Insane
• Whore
• no life
• Tom Cruise
• Dork
• Nerd
• Dani Faulk
• Son_of_Art
• Fucktard
• Abortion

Featured article November 2, 2006
Preceded by Uncyclopedia	Kevin and Kat	Succeeded by Jenn Pisstler

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