Cricket

Cricket is a form of baseball played with only two bases, the British inability to understand the complexities of baseball being well documented. Since most Brits are either too fat or drunk to navigate a pitcher's mound, British cricket pitchers are allowed to stagger in from second base and throw either a red or white ball overarm like a girl or a brain injury victim. The traditional cricket pitch is as long as three London buses or a brontosaurus (whichever is longer) and in the summer games are extended into the evening with by use of candles and flaming pitchforks.

As documented in the Bollywood masterpiece "Lagaan" all subject races of the British Empire were forced to learn cricket. Starving villagers could either halve or double their taxes by playing English public school cads with twirly moustaches, and in the famous match known as the Jallianwala Bagh Massacre England beat India by 90 British Army soldiers to 1,526 Indian casualties, a feat unsuppassed until a Muslim team pwned over 9000 at the WTC ground on 9/11. Hence the expression "wogs are beaten on the playing fields of Eton", the personal motto of David Cameron. A special form of cricket involving horses, goat heads and Kalashnikov's is played in Afghanistan, the game being won when a woman is stoned to death on the pitch before an enthusiastic audience of Mullahs (nick-named "The Barmy Army").

Norman Tebbit's cricket test

Norman Tebbit, former Heinrich Himmler of the Tories, proposed that once a person has been identified as not white, their entry into the UK should be decided by their ability to answer the following ~~three~~ five questions;

What is your favourite colour?
What is the relative work rate of an European swallow versus an African swallow?
Why wasn't the South African team allowed to play international cricket in the 1970s?
Explain the Offside Rule. (Trick question.)
When a ball that isn't a no ball or wide passes the striking batsman and runs are scored without the batsman hitting the ball, is this called (a) a "Bye", (b) a "Good riddence darkie" or (c) a "Get back to the jungle"? (Multiple no choice.)

Cricket on Twatter

In danger of being taken from behind by the wicket keeper

	“	Can anybody explain cricket to me?"	„

- Miss South Carolina.

	“	Cwicket is boreing	„

- typical Twilight fan

	“	Pinocchio! So this is where I find you! How do you ever expect to be a real boy? Look at yourself. Smoking! Playing pool!	„

- Jiminy Cricket

	“	I don't think it is exclusively a white sport. I mean the West Indians are black and they can play cricket well. The people from the Indian sub continent are good at cricket and like it to the point of it being a religeon. As far as non whites in Australia go though , you never really see:- Abbos, Asians and Maoris or Islanders out playing it though. Cricket isn't that much of a physical sport , I just think alot of the more "hot blooded races" would rather sports that are more fast paced.	„

- Geoff Boycott [1]

We won World Wars I and II

The Germans attempting to be funny about cricket, the Leiderhosen-wearing sausage-eating Nazis freaks;

(Not as funny as John Cleese's impression of Hitler, so fuck you, Johnny Kraut.)

The Ashes disambiguated

Q. How many Jews can you fit in a Mini? A. Four in the seats and six million in the ashtray.
Ash Ketchum, a condiment made from ash.
The Americunt Society of Hemotologists (trans. Haemolotologists).
Alt.suicide.holiday - fun for all the family.
Ash Williams, the main protagonist from the Evil Dead horror movie.
Æ (pron. "ash"), a letter used in Old English texts and Sub-English Wikis.

Panama Women's Cricket Team

	“	Lately, the talk of the internet is surrounding the Panama Women's Cricket team. No, its not because they won a major tournament or match, but all the talk is around the Panama cricket team 'booty'. This all seems to be a photoshopping hoax which has everybody wired up for no particular reason.	„