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Amy Bishop
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| |
|---|---|
| Amy Bishop Anderson | |
| Born | April 24, 1965 (59 years old) |
| Nationality: | Americunt 
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| High Score | Killed 3-4, injured 3 |
| Top 50? | No |
| Style | FPS, Single player |
| An Hero? | No |
| Motive: | gibs tenure |
—Dr. Amy Bishop as she facepunched the woman who dared to take the last booster seat at an IHOP. | ||
Dr. Amy Bishop was a Professor of Neuroscience at the University of Alabama and a certified nerd (and likely Aspie). In a classic example of long-suppressed Nerd Rage and a hilarious twist to the usual endless string of jenkem or 4chan-induced school shootings, 44-year-old Professor Amy, a girl, pulled out a Glock and proceeded to calmly pwn six of her distinguished colleagues, including her boss. Three of them died, with the other three loudly protesting her choice of venue and demanding a rematch via World of Warcraft, the usual arena for angry, odd-looking social rejects to settle disagreements amongst themselves.
According to her campus biography, Bishop holds a doctorate in genetics from Harvard. In 2008, University President David Williams predicted that one of her cell-research advances would "change the way biological and medical research is conducted." Her colleagues, on the other hand, described her as "creepy" and "always within striking distance of the edge". She was pretty much a classic Aspie, fixated on her particular narrow field of research and constantly pissing off her co-workers by refusing to talk about anything else. You know you're pretty fucking irritating when even the other super nerds think you're a douchebag.
In any case, Bishop was apparently not happy with the school: almost nobody liked her, and in the months before the shooting she had been denied a tenured faculty position (probably having something to do with her being a creepy bitch who nobody wanted to work with). Rather than taking this as a sign that she needed to be less of an asshole, getting denied tenure was the event which apparently caused her to cross the nerd event horizon separating "hugbox dweller" from "100% batshit insane". As we see, historically Amy has a bit of a problem controlling her anger...
Not the first time
A few days after the shooting, an interesting tidbit from Amy's history came to light: turns out this wasn't the first time she's shot somebody.
Back in December 1986, when Bishop was still living at home with her parents and brother in Braintree, Massachusetts, she had a minor disagreement with her younger brother one day about something. At some point after this argument, Bishop grabbed a 12-gauge pump action shotgun and "accidentally" fired two rounds of buckshot while "trying to unload" the weapon, one of which "accidentally" ended up in her brother's stomach and the other in the wall right next to him. She then ran into the street (firing a third round into the ceiling on the way out, just to remind people how "accidental" it all was) before attempting unsuccessfully to carjack a random driver at gunpoint. Bishop was eventually cornered by police, ranting incoherently to herself and roaming the sidewalk with the loaded shotgun, before being tackled from behind by the cops, disarmed and dragged off to the slammer.
Fairly straightforward nutter rage, you say? One way trip to the nuthouse or jail, you say? Wrong!
Somehow, apparently due to political connections between her father and city hall, she was released without being charged or even interviewed (she was "too upset"). Rather than being a wee bit pissed at their daughter for filling their walls and ceiling with buckshot and blowing a bloody hole the size of a dinner plate in one of their other offspring, her parents quickly swung into CYA mode and rallied behind her, called in some favors and got their story straight: the whole thing was an "accident" while Amy was "asking her brother to help her unload the shotgun". No, srsly. That was the best explanation they could cobble up. Amazingly, it worked.
Despite our hero having fired three rounds in two separate rooms of the house (having to manually rack a new shell each time) before fleeing the scene with the still-loaded shotgun and attempting to carjack a getaway vehicle, her rich, white and politically connected parents' completely logical explanation for Amy's shenanigans apparently made perfect sense in Massachusetts. The young nerd warrior was exonerated and sent off to Harvard, the younger brother with the ventilated innards was embalmed and sent off for a dirt nap, the parents went back to sharing Hookers and Blow with Ted Kennedy, and all of the paperwork was quietly hidden in 1988, never to be heard from again... unless the bitch was to somehow get arrested for shooting somebody else... but that would NEVER happen, right?
It seems that the ultimate decision not to file charges was made by then-District Attorney William Delahunt (moar liek Delacunt, amirite?). Delahunt is now a United States Congressman.
Nor the second time
Last Thursday, a law enforcement official in Boston said that Amy and her husband, James Anderson, had been suspects in a 1993 pipe bomb case in which a bomb was sent by mail to Bishop's boss at Children's Hospital Boston. Bishop's boss had apparently pissed her off at some point and was high on her shit list, a fact he found fairly obvious when he opened a package and found two pipe bombs wired to a time detonator.
The bomb did not go off, no one was ever charged in the case, and no "proof" ever emerged connecting the couple to the bomb plot, although an FBI test revealed the presence of salty butthurt nerd tears on the packaging. Bishop's husband later lied shamelessly, saying that his wife had been "completely cleared" in the pipe bomb case, and that her brother's death had been "accidental." (lawl)
All around crazy bitch
The Boston Globe reported that "Bishop once stopped a local ice cream truck from coming into their neighborhood. According to WBZ-1030 radio, she said it was because her own kids were lactose intolerant, and she didn't think it was fair that her kids couldn't have ice cream." Although she crafted an elaborate plan to set up a car bomb packed with nails and rat poison along the truck's route, she eventually forgot all about it when her monthly copy of The Organic Peptide Digest came in the mail.
In perhaps her lulziest pre-final solution escapade, Bishop was arrested in 2002 for assaulting a woman in an IHOP. After she saw that the last booster seat had been taken by another woman, she instantly transformed Bill Bixby-style into a towering pillar of pent-up nerd fury. Bishop "strode over to the other woman, demanded the seat... punched her in the head, all the while yelling 'I am Dr. Amy Bishop! I'm on a tenure track you fucking cunt! I'll give you fucking herpes!'" When police arrived, she was found straddling the manager's chest in front of a crowd of horror-struck onlookers, slapping him repeatedly with her pocket protector and threatening to urinate in his mouth unless he could recite Avogadro's constant to 12 decimal places. Due to the extreme strength granted by Bishop's nerd fury (roughly equal to that of a Viking berzerker), police were eventually forced to allow her to devour most of the patrons before she got tired and could be safely tranquilized and returned to her lab.
Connection with VTech?
Among those killed were Gopi K. Podila, chairman of the department. Podila is the second known Indian department head to die in a campus shooting. Professor G.V. Loganathan was killed by The Blazn Azn.
Both Bishop and Cho also suffered from extreme Unwarranted Self-Importance, which in both cases manifested itself via bizarre, shitty fiction writing that only further proved why they were unworthy of society's attention. Bishop loses in this category to Cho, however, since Amazon Fever (while lulzy) is still a far cry from Cho's critically acclaimed Richard McBeef.
Both of them were also really fucking ugly.
Not very nice
Bishop's teaching style drew mixed reviews on ratemyprofessor.com. The 34 UAH students who have anonymously rated Bishop on the website give her an overall score of 3.6 on a five-point scale. Student opinions ranged from "Disorganized, often rambles" and "Knows her material but gets easily confused", to "Thought she was great... right up until she shot the whole biology department and we all had to switch majors. Stupid whore."
Amy was reportedly really fucking difficult to talk to, even for an Aspie (which is saying something). One surviving professor remembered a meeting where she ranted for an hour about how nobody liked her because they thought she was "arrogant, aloof and superior." The truth of the matter was that nobody could find anything nice to say to her, and all she ever talked about was butthurt and nitric oxide (her particular Aspie fascination). Several attempts to befriend Bishop by complimenting her charming 1950's children's haircut and apparent disdain for makeup inevitably resulted in Bishop threatening to break into the perpetrator's house and inject nitric oxide into his balls while he slept.
Herpes Bomb
Several people with connections to the university's biology department warned that she may have booby-trapped the science building with some sort of "herpes bomb", police officials said, designed to spread the dangerous virus. Only people who had worked with Dr. Bishop would know that she had done work with the herpes virus as a post-doctoral student and had talked about how it could cause encephalitis. She had also written an unpublished novel in which a herpes-like virus spreads throughout the world, causing pregnant women to miscarry.
Bishop Behind Bars
With her insanity plea rejected and her attempt at becoming an heroine ending in failure, Amy found herself being sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole because luckily for her the relatives of her victims turned out to be that rare variety of Alabamian that was opposed to capital punishment. The last anyone heard she was getting into altercations with guards and having the shit literally smacked out of her by lunch trays wielded by fellow inmates who, unlike her parents and husband, have a low tolerance for autistic screeching and a willingness to give a shiner to the source of it.
Graded Score
| Kill count: | 3/20 +1 for fratricide |
|---|---|
| Accuracy: | 10/20 All headshots, but only half were fatal |
| Style: | 14/20 Targeted staff, used round table like shooting gallery |
| Butthurt: | 20/20 1st major US school shooting of the 2010s, exposed low-level political nepotism |
| Bonus: | 20/20 #1 female school shooter, no death sentence because victims' families were liberal pussies |
Wanted Level:
Police Force
See Also
Links
- Police report about Amy killing her brother
- Boston Globe: Ipswich neighbors recall confrontations with Amy Bishop
- Boston Globe: Amy Bishop was charged with assault in 2002 IHOP dispute
- The New York Times: That crazy bitch Dr. Amy Bishop set up 'herpes bomb' all over the science building.
- Advice Delahunt at Meme Generator
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Spree/One-time Killers: |
Aaron Alexis • Adam Lanza • Alex Hribal • Alyssa Bustamante • Anthony Warner • Audrey Hale • Bruce Jeffrey Pardo • Casey Anthony • Cho Seung-Hui • Devin Patrick Kelley • Dylan Klebold • Dylann Storm Roof • Eric Harris • Gerry McCann • James Holmes • Jared Lee Loughner • Jason Rodriguez • Jeff Weise • Jiverly Voong • Joe Stack • Josef Fritzl • Laaiti Ekenstéen • Mark Essex • Martin Bryant • Matthew de Grood • Matthew Murray • Matti Saari • Maurice Clemmons • Pekka-Eric Auvinen • Raoul Moat • Richard Speck • Robert Hawkins • Stephen Paddock • Tim Kretschmer • Timothy Hendron • TJ Lane • Tyler Peterson • Wade Michael Page • Woo Bum-kon |
|---|---|---|
| Career/Serial Killers: |
Academy Maniacs • Adolf Hitler • Charles Manson • Chris Benoit • Dnepropetrovsk Maniacs • Dubya • Jack the Ripper • Jeffrey Dahmer • Mao Zedong • Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski • Ted Bundy | |
| Terrorists: |
Al Qaeda • Anders Behring Breivik • Anderson Lee Aldrich • Anton Lundin Pettersson • Dzhokhar Tsarnaev • Elliot Rodger • George Sodini • Maniacs Murder Cult • Mark Essex • Nidal Malik Hasan • Osama bin Laden • Tamerlan Tsarnaev • Ted Kaczynski | |
| See also: |
Antisocial personality disorder • Jews • Murder • Paranoid personality disorder • Pittsburgh Paint Job • Police Brutality • Sick fuck |
| Featured article March 17 & 18, 2018 | ||
| Preceded by Girlvinyl |
Amy Bishop | Succeeded by Wang Jue |