Splatoon

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SEA CREATURES TOOK OVER THE WORLD, HUMANITY WAS FLOODED AND KILLED, THE SQUID SISTERS ARE ACTUALLY COUSINS, THE SQUIDS DONT HAVE BONES!

Splatoon is a Color Wars rip-off that was originally created by Microsoft before Nintendo (aka nips) stole their idea and released it in on their inferior hardware in May 2015. The game is about spraying your ink everywhere so that you can overpower your opponent's territory. Much like the abandoned Color Wars there is also no gameplay in Splatoon, so it is just a 3rd person Mario Paint simulator. How original, Nintendo.

History

This "game" was first shown at E3 2014, and left everyone pretty damn confused, because it made no fucking sense whatsoever.

As Nintendo originated in Japan, someone was probably fapping to schoolgirls getting raped by cephalopods, then probably someone walked in on him and wondered how the baby will look. After a few seconds, this game was conceived.

Weapons

Shooters Most of these function like the bullet hose SMGs from CoD, except you cant hit shit more than an inch away due to the horrific spread. These are nevertheless the most reliable weapons in the game by a long shot due to being staightforward. You point the gun, pull the trigger, and the guy dies. You will be surprised to see how they fuck up this fundamental concept with the other classes. Splattershot Jr.

Only good for shooting the ground and spamming grenades. You start with this gun in every game, so go figure.

Splattershot

The Jr. except it doesn't feel like peashooter. Spams bullets like CoD smgs, but with practically infinite clip due to the game mechanics. Srsly. Makes all og the other shooters redundant, unless the other team has snipers in which you will have to spend the game camping in ink.

Splattershot Pro

More range = more pwnage? Not if you miss every single shot and guzzle through your ink like Joe Biden's oil policies.

Splattershot Astro

There was alot of butthurt from the fans due to Nintendo overhyping this gun. Expecting a Jet Squecher with good paint, they instead got a neutered Pro that doesn't even paint much better. Played exactly like the Jr, except you are stuck with useless bombs that only briefly highlight players.

Gal 52.

The closest thing this game has to an assault rifle. It can effortlessly wipe an entire team if it could simply shoot straight.

Lag 69.

Cold molasses shooter with the accuracy of a drunk scot. Srsly, just use the 52 if you hate yourself that much. They didn't even give it splash walls to defend itself in the 3rd game.

Sploosh o Matic

A Splattershot, but with even more crippling low range. Pass.

Aerospray

A Splattershot Jr, but can LITERALLY only paint up to where your feet reach. Vanilla is utter trash, but the gold skin in each game usually has obnoxious special weapons it can spam due to its high fire rate.

Splash o matic

The only other shooter you should be using besides the Splattershot. Nintendo took one look at the Skorpion/UMP6/Machine Pistols in COD and thoughtvto themselves, "what if we remove the bullet spread?"

N-ZAP

The gun from Duck Hunt copied and pasted into the game. Likewise, its nearly interchangeable with the Splattershot, but why use anything else?

Jet Squelcher

Why waste your time sniping when this gun shoots just as far and is fully automatic? Invalidates all the sniper rifles unless you are playing on those single-lane chokepoint maps, which is all of them.

L-3 Nozzlenose

The game's only semi automatic shooter, with a decent fireright and kill time. One problem; the Splash has the same exact stats, except you don't have to play a rhythm game with the trigger for maximum ownage. The trolls at Nintendo also thought it was funny to have this gun shoot in 3s while taking 4 to kill, so you alwsys come short one bullet and the enemy escapes or rapes you back. Another variant of this actually fires 4 in a row, but at this point, you are shooting yourself in the foot.

Squeezer

Especially since this gun does literally the same thing as the L-3, but can also fire full auto if you don't want to give yourself Nintendoitis using the tap shots.

Blasters Rocket Launchers with infinitely replenishable ammo. Exactly as broken as it sounds, especially in the first game. Further rewarding skillful gunplay, shooting vaguely in the direction of the enemy while mashing the jump button quickly racked up kills. The second game dropped the hammer on this intelligent strategy by massively increasing bullet spread the moment you leave the ground. In a mobility-oriented FPS. Most of them are the same gun with different attachments, but there are a few standout choices...

Range Blaster

A rape machine. Kept shooters in check because it could shoot farther than most of them, while having ridiculously generous splash damage. Of course, wanting to keep their game braindead, Nintendo hard-countered the thing with "Ink Armor", allowing the enemy to survive one killing blow. This former menace now gets outgunned by the Jr.

Luna Blaster

Piss-poor range, but with a high rate of fire and huge splash radius, ambushing Shooters is usually enough for pwnage.

Clash Blaster

The Luna, but unusable. It literally shoots crayons, which are exactly as deadly as you might imagine.

N-BLAST

Super Scope shoe-in that is a clumsy fusion between Range and Luna.

Rollers and Brushes Intended to be the game's "melee" option, players quickly found it was much more effective to spam flick attacks. You will not only break your conyroller but make your opponent smash his in rage after you pop out of tiny patch of ink he forgot to paint over.

Splat Roller

The stock. Essentially a Blaster on steroids in the original game, where getting nicked by the very edge of its flicks is a OTK. Pellet spread was a concept that eluded the devs back then.

Carbon Roller

Pretty much always the guy who camps in ink the entire game. Ninja squid is mandatory.

Dynamo Roller

If the Range Blaster isn't rolfstomping your team, it's probably this asshole. Each lazy swing can easily wipe out your team, but since Shooter mains were too dumb to play around it, the weapon was nerfed to the ground in the subsequent games.

Flingza Roller

A "Swiss Army Knife" it was made in China. Pretty much the Aerospray of the roller class.

Big Swig Roller

More Plastic Crap that can't even kill, unlike Flingza. It doesn't even get a half-decent special to spam.

Ink Brush

Want to swing around a giant pillow like a retard? Then this is the gun for you!

Octobrush

An upgrade over the stock in every way besides ink comsumption, and that is easily fixed with a few gear slots.

Painbrush

Let's clear this up, the only "pain" this weapon deals out is to yourself when you get sniped across the map while you are standing around for over 9000 seconds getting the first swing out.

Chargers

Sniper Rifles, with mechanics blatantly stolen from TF2. Except A: Most of them are basically stuck with iron sights. B: The few that do have scopes zoom in way too damn much. C: Have exetremely obvious laser sights that will give away your position. Not that it will stop the same idiot with Splattershot from swimming into your sightline. D: In the 3rd game, every map is one giant sight-line.

Splat Charger

The "Firefin" skin that comes with the Splash walls is way too good to pass up on.

Splatterscope

Only usuable on Moray Towers or most maps in 3.

Eliter 3k

Yep, this one is Nintendos attempt at the AMP. The hitboxes are so small, they just decided that a shot ANYWHERE is an instakill. Really not as threatening as the japs presume, since they also gave most weapons infinite grenades. Bombs away!

Elite 3k Scope

Tunnel Vision? What's that?

Squiffer

If the Eliter is Nintendo's answer to a bolt action, this one was intended for all those 360MLGNOSCOPE compilations. They just forgot to give the thing range, so it gets swatted down by any competent Shooter player.

Bamboozler

This thing shoots spitballs until 2, which introduced Gear Abilities that bring it's damage up to 99.9. In a game where the floor hurts you half the time.

Goo Tuber

Erectile Dysfunction, the gun.

Snipewriter

The first and only gun in the series to use a magazine of sorts. It is essentially a better Bamboo. More range, more power, and a really good special weapon.

Sloshers

Buckets. You fling ink, the enemy dies. Most of these were broken at some point in Splatoon's history.

Soda Slosher

Burst Bomb. Slosh. Rinse and repeat.

Sloshing Machine

If Blasters and Sloshers weren't braindead enough, Nintendo had the great idea to roll them into one Frankenstein of a weapon. Since it took less skill than the Shooters, it was nerfed.

Tri Slosher

A close second. W+M1, ZR, oh look, the entire enemy team is dead! Bubbler/Ink Armor too incase they have backliners.

Explosher

For some ungodly reason, the dump shots do not explode on contact with the enemy. This BFG can be defeated by standing over grates. Only use is in Splat Zones.

Splatlings

Miniguns, the good shit. You'd think they would be hard for Nintendo to fuck up, but in Splatoon, they are goddamned wind-up toys! All it takes is one stray bomb to put an end to your rampage.

Heavy Splatling

If theys tole the charge mechanic from TF2, why couldn't they do the same with this one.

Mini Splatling

The 1st game has one kit that basically turns you into the Terminator. The Shooter crowd weeped, now look where we are today.

Hydra Splatling

This one is like trying to pass a kidney stone.

Nautilus

Can store its charge, and rewind even when firing. Has exetremely fast shots too. Would be great, except its range is neutered so it plays nice with the Shooters.

Ballpoint Splatling

Can rewind like the previous one, but it has two different firing modes that invalidate several other weapons. Oops!

Heavy Edit Splatling

Most of the previous examples have fire rates lower than alot of Shooters. Not this beast. If you want your fill of BRRRRRRT, choose this one.

Dualies

Akimbos. The marketing of 2 hyped them up so much, when the FPS scene had been doing it for years.

Story Background

Splatoon is set in a post apocalyptic World 10K years into the future, after the Earth's ice caps have melted and the rising water levels have drowned every poor fucker into the ocean. With all land underwater, the Inklings took on the new role of human society, and fucked everything over. Inklings are able to change their form from Animu-Kid too Squid, and love to jizz ink all over the place, during events called Turf wars. Despite being a fuckin Squid, Inklings will dissolve in Water, because fuck you Darwin.

Characters

For such an obvious rip-off that this "game" clearly is, it has an oddly large amount of useless and unusable characters that no one likes, nor gives a shit about...

Male Player: No one gives a fuck about the male variation, since they are just your average fruity kid with a ponytail.

Female Player: Everyone likes using them, since they have unnecessarily large asses and even swings their hips like the sluts they are, they are also only 14, you sick fucks... They also like making lots of yuri with them! It also gives weeaboos something to fap to.

Female: For some odd fucking reason, the females are the only ones that actually have a kid formation, like everyone else. They also look like sluts as well. They are also not playable, yet players want to use them...

Octarians: Useless ugly pieces of shit that don't know how to fight. They don't even move around, or avoid the ink you ejaculate at them...

NOTE: If you don't play Splatoon for over a month and you suddenly enter Booyah Base you are forced to listen to all of the new items available and their functions. You cannot fucking skip this either.

Sheldon: This nerd owns some place called 'Ammo Knights' and is also the one responsible for giving you these cum sprayers. Looks nothing like an actual damn Horseshoe Crab...

Annie: Some fucking bitch dork that owns a place named 'Cooler Heads' that sells headgear. Too bad that won't help from getting raped like the little bitch you are.

Moe: The only good thing about this game. He mocks you for how much of a faggot you are for buying this game in the first place.

Jelonzo: An blue jellyfish that has a place named 'Jelly Fresh' that sells gay clothes. He is also an huge hipster and has sexual fantasies for the newest and hottest trends... No matter what you pick, you still look hideous and gay, just like in real life!

Crusty Sean: Some type of weird ass shrimp that owns 'Shrimp Kicks' which sells shoes; He also has an heavy foot fetish, obsessed over shoes, and has no problem showing his mental illness in public.

NOTE: Their Names are a pun on Calamari, get it? Callie Marie, Calamari... fuckin funny, right?

Callie: Some hyper bitch that acts like she's on drugs, that does news... Nothing interesting about her at all. Only useful for getting raped in the ass.

Marie: Just like her sister, she also does news. But this one acts like an sassy-ass bitch all the time, and is also only useful for anal rape. She is also known for having the most obvious fake-ass smile anyone could ever see, goes to show how much she's gives a shit about you.

Pearl: Ugly ass bitch in the 2nd game who looks like a genderbent bling-bling from Johnny Test.

Marina: The Hot black girl in the game who is extremely thicc with her big tits, don't worry she's 18.

Shiver: 1/3 of the group Deep Cut. When she first appeared, many assumed she was trans but she's 100% female.

Frye: This girl makes Pearl look like a Kardashian. Good Lord, look at that forehead!

Big Man: The only male in Deep Cut who's a manta. Get it?

Cap'n Cuttlefish: An oldfag veteran pedophile that stalks you with his wide-ass open eyes. He somehow helps you out though, probably just to stare at that squid ass of yours. Also, for some reason, he lives in a fucking sewer, at least that's where he belongs... He is also the grandfather of the Squid Sisters.

DJ Octavio: The most weirdest DJ anyone could ever see, that has an golden samurai hat for no God damn reason. He is also very annoying and never shuts the fuck up when trying to beat your stupid ass. Probably the reason why he gets raped when you encounter him.

Fandom

Somehow, Splatoon managed to get such a huge fandom, mostly consisting of braindead 16-year old girls who think "OMG A BUNCCH OF SQUIDZ SPRAYING SEMEN @ EACH OTHER SO CUUUTE KAWAAAIIIII ^______________^" Most of the fanbase on some crappy site nobody likes, making Rule 34 porn of Splatoon characters.

Breakdown on the Splatoon Fandom

69% Annoying ass TARTlets and 690000channers that think Squids are sexy, or that they can never shut the fuck up about that crap game.
4% 10-year olds that go Übernuts when somebody criticizes the game.
100% People that consist of some other types of faggotry that nobody cares about.
1% You