Isabella Valentine

Imagine her whispering sweet nothings into your ears. Are you ready to cum yet?

Isabella Valentine is an Internet Hypno-Dominatrix whose claim to fame is that every few weeks, eBaumsworld loses its collective shit over "an mp3 that can make you cum without fapping!" that she made.

Jackpot - No Hands

The mp3, Jackpot - No Hands.mp3 (or sometimes lolguy.mp3), consists of a chick who has a way sexier voice than face or body telling you to breathe deeply in a flirtatious manner. Regardless of whether "Jackpot" works or not, this part is actually fairly relaxing.

Next, she begins to seed your mind with keywords and suggestions, so that (if this is working on you, which it may or may not), for example, when she says "glow", you feel like someone is touching your peen.

Eventually, she tells you that the next time she says the word "Jackpot", you are going to have an orgasm. Then she turns into a total cock-tease, with a countdown that goes back up before finally announcing "Zero! Jackpot! Cum for me now!" at which point you're supposed to blow a load all over yourself. Or not, if it didn't work for you.

Early in the file, she does inform you that it may not work the first time, and that you should repeat listening until it does. Multiple anons have confirmed this, with some having great success on the first try, others having their romance explosion after a few listens, and some never having their hands-free fap. Others have said that it sets the tone for a very good orgasm when they bring in their hands at the end.

What she does not inform you of is that before she brings you out of the trance, she basically also tries to hypnotize you into buying moar of her hypno-mp3s. So you should be careful to either turn it off after you cum or cut that part out of the mp3 beforehand. Also, if you haven't listened to this before, don't just download it, put it on your mp3 player, and go to bed to listen to it, because you'll be awake all fucking night, slowly going mad with Valentine's voice clawing at your brain. Srsly. Listen to this shit during the daytime the first time.

Some copies of the file are known to have Leeroy Jenkins placed carefully between when she says "zero" and "jackpot", simply because some people enjoy being dicks.

Isabella's Other Work

Isabella makes a great deal of money from guys who are willing to pony up $35+ for a "session". Besides Jackpot - No Hands, and its sequel, Jackpot II (which has a lot of "Girls rule, boys drool" bullshit towards the beginning), and Jackpot III, her ouvre includes:

• Adoraphine
• Anal Slut Training
• Ass Worship
• black person Impregnation (LOLWUT)
• Body Takeover
• Cock Worship
• Confidence Beach
• The Cuckold Male
• Cuckold Therapy
• Destruction of Ego
• Evil Brainwashing
• Evil Surgeon
• Fairy Panties
• Forced Cuckold & Bisexuality
• Gender Transformation
• Gender Transformation 2
• Ghost Control
• Glory Hole Sissy Slave
• Lady Vampire
• Lesbian Man
• Love Spell
• Loving Cuckold
• Pathetic Wanker
• Prison Probed
• Shemale Therapist
• Sissy Training
• Sissy Virgin
• The Tease
• Weak Cuckold
• Wife's Guide To Strapon

Guessing from the titles, most of these are things you DO NOT WANT to be listening to while your brain is in any kind of vulnerable state. From the few that were sampled by one brave anon, we know the following:

(Note: For a full list of fetishes and for the hypnowhale's official description of each file, check the link provided.)

• Adoraphine is basically audio creepypasta. Especially the left channel will drive you mad. Also, contains near-constant suggestions that you are addicted to "Adoraphine", the "drug" created by mixing fake drugs created by Isabella and some other whale. In other words, she's trying to hypnotize you to "give us money." AVOID.

• Airhead University: Speech 101 involves bimbofication. You stare into a lollipop until your IQ is dropped to below 90, you're forced to worship Paris Hilton, read fashion magazines, talk with a lisp, avoid thinking, and flirt with guys just so that they can give you nice things. Of note: the ending gives you the opportunity to increase your intelligence beyond normal (the file suggesting over 170), but this has yet to be tested; until then, AVOID.

• Anal Slut Training is also exactly what it says. Unless you enjoy putting stuff into your butt, AVOID.

• Anal Trek is a science fiction-inspired hypno file, and (painfully) obviously Isabella's first attempt at science fiction hypnosis. LULZ.

• Arabian Princess is a mind fantasy about a beautiful Arabian girl. You start to fall in love with her and worship her as you and she fuck. Then you find out it's Isabella. Unless you can block out the subliminal messages of "I need you Isabella, I love you Isabella, I worship you Isabella", AVOID.

• Ass Worship is exactly what it sounds like. Except that it also makes you worship Isabella's ass. Unless you can filter that part out, AVOID. Also, using a GIF animation of an ass is recommended.

• Bewitched is some dialog between Isabella and some other hambeast acting like witches. Editor could not get past 8 minutes before bursting into uncontrollable laughter due to the nature of the dialog. Good laughs, otherwise AVOID.

• Black Impregnation isn't even hypnotism. It's just the hambeast and some other whore talking about how hot black person are. Waste of time, AVOID.
  • Interestingly enough, she ended up marrying a black guy and having a kid.

• Body Takeover is all about making you imagine you are being forced to wear panties. If you listen to this while asleep, you will dream about wearing panties. AVOID, unless you are into that sort of thing.

• Boy Slut (NEW) involves you being turned on and dressed up like a girl, before being transformed into one and being fucked in the ass by girls with strapons. And you're temporarily given the mentality of a slut. CURRENTLY UNTESTED.

• Cock Worship: Cocks. Worshiping. What more is there to tell? AVOID.
  • It's a bit more of a complex mindfuck. After you're described the ideal and perfect cock, two voices are heard: one in your left ear telling you to worship cocks and become a faggot, while the voice in the right ear warns you not to worship it, otherwise you become a faggot. The trick? The right side eventually gives up and tells you that it's too late, you love being called a faggot, and you're a faggot forever. AVOID, AVOID, AVOID.

• Confidence Beach is actually heterosexual. It involves walking along a beach, then walking into the water where your dick gets bigger, and then you get out of the water and get sucked off by three hot bitches at once. SAFE, RECOMMENDED.

• Destruction of Ego has this description: "The only way to truly be a slave is to first realize you are nothing. You are not a man. You are pathetic, weak, and powerless." AVOID.

• Fairy Panties is a bit of a queer one. Definitely aimed at female listeners, unless you fantasize about fairies in pink panties with french lace on the side flying around your penis . Men, AVOID this. Actually, women AVOID this one too, unless you're listening for the lulz.

• Gender Transformation 2 is another that's exactly what it sounds like. It's almost completely free of any eroticism, instead, just harping about how you've always wanted to be a woman and what you have to do to become one. Unless you get off on phrases like PERMANENT HAIR REMOVAL, AVOID.

• Gentlemen's Club (no longer on the site, but available in the torrent) is exactly what it says on the tin--you go to a strip club and Isabella, as the money-grubbing whore she is, has sex with you along with several other hot women. Unfortunately it's all adulterated with the same "Isabella is your goddess" shit that defines most of the other files. AVOID, unless you can block out the subliminal message to give all your money to Isabella.

• Hymen is some twisted shit where she hypnotizes you into thinking you're a woman, then proceeds to break your hymen. LOL WUT.

• Inraptured (named 'Femdom Control' in the OH GOD HOW DID THIS GET HERE I AM NOT GOOD WITH COMPUTERS-file): This is actually a fairly relaxing, nonsexual piece of audio. At least the editor did not find anything erotic in it, but it was very relaxing. Did I mention it was relaxing? SAFE, RECOMMENDED. If this is Femdom Control, it's all about being her slave. AVOID unless you're into staring at the back of her heels and being on a leash.

• Jackpot 2 is more fucked up than the original. It starts off with her licking your cock and then letting one of slaves give you a titjob, but then she tries to brainwash you into being her slave. Unlike the first one, you should very much AVOID.

• Jackpot 3: Delectable Paradise is based heavily on romance, and requires you to listen to the first Jackpot before. She has hot, romantic, passionate sex with you, and then triggers you to cum without using your hands. As this involves you falling in love with her, it's best to AVOID.

• Jackpot 4 (BRAND FUCKING NEW) is identical to the first one, but made specifically for guys. Includes visuals of girls in wet T-shirts and lots of sex. Unlike the first one, there isn't any "WORSHIP ME NOW" crap at the end. SAFE, RECOMMENDED.

• Lady Vampire is the White Whale pretending to be a vampire, claiming she can read your mind, and even influence it. There's a lot of half whispered bullshit in the background, and the "vampire" claims to be obsessed with you. Couldn't make it past five minutes. AVOID, unless you want a cheap laugh.

• Lesbian Man involves you being turned into a beautiful girl and have sex with another girl-- the hambeast. Afterward, you are given the option to return to being a man, or "stay as a woman", whatever that may mean. Other than that, it doesn't feature the love, worship, and money undertones that are in most other files. Up to you to give it a shot.

• Love Spell is all "Give me money. Give me money. You are in love with me and addicted to me, and you want to buy lots of my mp3s and give me all your money,", all the time. AVOID.

• Pathetic Wanker is a sexual fetish recording (not hypnosis) where she and another woman talk about a guy who masturbates to women who come into his shop, then ring him up. AVOID unless you want to hear your life described to you.

• Peace of Mind is a free relaxing/reprogramming file. Listening to it allows you to remove any unwanted or dangerous hypnotic suggestions implanted from either Isabella's files or other hypnotist's files. Using it properly allows you to use the files marked "avoid" safely. SAFE, RECOMMENDED. Not available in the torrent, so use the link above.

• Red Goddess starts out like your run-of-the-mill relaxation tape. Then you go into a cave and shit gets weird. The hambeast paralyzes you with her fingernails and proceeds to do the same shit as Jackpot. WORTH A TRY.

• Resist or Surrender: The hambeast is joined by another hambeast who doesn't have the deceptively sexy voice. Isabella says resist while the other one says surrender for a while, then they try to make you kneel on the floor and finally turn you into water and drink you. Not very interesting unless you have a water fetish. AVOID.

• Shemale Therapist starts out as if it were an actual therapy session and she coaxes you into relaxing. Immediately after, she takes out her cock and rapes you with it. AVOID.

• Sissy Secretary (now only available via torrent). "Oh hey, here's a shitty plot. Now I'm going to call you names and force you to dress up like a girl. I'm going to transform your body and fry your brain, and now you're a stupid, slutty airheaded blond bimbo. Now go suck some black cock." AVOID.

• Sissy Shower is specifically catered to gay men. You're in a shower filled with guys, and you suck their cocks. Up to you to give it a shot.

• Sissy Virgin simillar to Hymen, but a bit more fucked up. AVOID unless you want to listen to it for the lulz.

• Swallow is pretty much how it sounds, but is very misleading with the first few minutes of audio. Just to be on the safe side, you should AVOID, unless you're into that sort of thing.

• The Succubus is very confusing with constant voice changing and panning, but contains quite a bit of erotic material, so you might want to try it out, if you like imagining a hambeast in different forms. Up to you to give it a shot.

• Sweet Release is a similar one to Jackpot, although in this one she's lazy and just makes you fap instead of be hypnotised into cumming. SAFE, but Jackpot is more interesting.

• The Tease is exactly what it says in the title. This is one you fap along with, and she tells you when to speed up and when to slow down. Except at the end she leaves you hanging, and tells you to wait an hour and listen to it again. Minor undertones of 'worship your goddess', but relatively SAFE, just ignore the cunt when she tells you not to finish.

• Wet Dreams is meant to be listened to while sleeping. There's no mention of worship or obedience, and can even be listened to on repeat. Basically meant to let you have wet dreams. SAFE, RECOMMENDED. Can also be downloaded for free from the above link, if not included in the torrent.

• Wife's Guide To Strapon is exactly as it says. You buy a strapon and give this to your girlfriend/wife, and she's taught how to use a strapon. AVOID, unless you're into that.

She also has non-sexual mp3s that are longer "sessions" where she supposedly takes you out into space and infinity and all kinds of crazy awesome sounding stuff, but nobody has ever heard any of them to confirm whether they are awesome or more "goddess" bullshit. Lucid Matrix is srsly fucking cool.

Avoiding Obsession with the Hypnowhale

Pic related: It's you.

First off, you should not listen to any of her mp3s on speakers, but using headphones, in an audio editing program. Cut out any parts that you feel uncomfortable with, especially the parts where she's obviously trying to create a subconscious desire to buy more of her "sessions". Also, pay attention and AVOID the "sessions" we marked with AVOID, and don't be a dipshit and download something like "Prison Probed", put it on thinking "I wonder what this is", and fall asleep. Christ almighty, if you're that stupid, you deserve some serious prison probing, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

If you find one of her files that isn't on the list above, don't dive into it. Instead, listen through the middle (hypnotic suggestion here) and end (post-hypnotic suggestions) of the file to make sure there's nothing to make you uncomfortable. If you suspect foul play in the file, make sure to add the file to this page with a short description and warnings.

Also, it goes without saying that you haven't spent $35 on this, and you're not going to spend thousands of dollars on this hambeast in the future, because You Are a Pirate.

Valentards

	“	If you don't mind being a blonde bimbo bitch, this is AWESOME! The only thing thing is she doesn't revert you back to your normal self. So once a bimbo always a bimbo! But fuck it! It's AWESOME!	„
	—A Valentard on ED, sauce

Those who do not heed the warning mentioned above were weak-willed submissive sissies to begin with tend to turn into Valentards (fearless anons are immune.) A typical Valentard will worship Isabella as a Goddess, buy every overpriced hypnofile on her page while also sending her tons of donations, and spam this very article with "BUY ALL OF HER STUFF IT'S GREAT". They'll stand out amongst other fans of Isabella's work because they will refer to her with capitalized pronounced, as though she were God. If you happen to find yourself becoming a Valentard, you know what to do. If you happen to find one of these Valentards, here or irl, you ALSO know what to do.

OH GOD SOMEONE MADE A BABY WITH THAT?!?

The proud papa himself, and the scared shitless child. The baby's true Papa, Nurgle.

Apparently some totally not gay dude knocked the White Whale up, and she's whoring out the little raisin for money. Her babby's website contains a lot of TOO MUCH INFORMATION, as well as links to donate your moneys. For example, she plays the sympathy card about various medical issues, including how her husband has low testosterone levels, and she has taken testosterone injections.

	“	Then one day - Thanksgiving night 2008 in Virginia - we had a beautiful night of passion where we connected on so many levels that somehow a miracle was given to us.	„
	—Isabella recounts her steamy night of interracial man-on-whale sex

Look, Isabella. We're all happy for you. We're gonna let you finish, but I'm twelve years old and what is this:

	“	One day I just started puking buckets. My sense of smell was overwhelming and every scent would provoke me to throw up.	„
	—THANK YOU FOR SHARING.

	“	I had morning sickness every day for the first five months - and sometimes puked several times a day. Every smell made me want to throw up, even if something had been removed from the room from the day before.	„
	—This is actually a gift from Nurgle.

	“	Turns out, baby Julius was 21 and 1/2 inches when he was born so he was quite long - practically underneath my tonsils!	„
	—That's no baby, THAT'S A FUCKING CHESTBURSTER!!!

	“	My hands and feet swelled enormously to the point that I couldn’t wear normal shoes (forget high heels) - I could only fit in flip flops and even then by the ninth month, they left red welts on my feet. I couldn’t wear my wedding ring on the correct finger because my fingers were puffy and swollen for months.	„
	—Insert fat jokes here.

	“	Doctors say the average pregnant woman gains approx. 30-35 pounds during gestation. Me? I gained 125 pounds during pregnancy.	„
	—Four out of five doctors say that someone who gains three times as much weight without having triplets is a whale.

	“	My back pain would wake me in the middle of the night, if not my bladder. One day I counted - I peed 21 times in one day.	„
	—In Japan, there is an entire genre of manga that revolves around this sort of plot.

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Ooh, yummy. The original "Isabella Valentine"

More of Isabella's body horror tales:

	“	First I’d like to say that my intention was to experience an orgasmic hypno birth. I wanted it to feel like I was having an orgasm and spent months preparing myself mentally to be hypnotized to experience that. During the last two months of my pregnancy, I listened to Hypnobabies hypnosis sessions on cd (and even brought them in the delivery room with me).	„
	—babbies and orgasms go together... in Japan.

	“	I tried eating spicy foods, drinking castor oil (which left me puking and with diarrhea for hours)	„
	—Say it! Say it! Jack...p-p-p- okay, this isn't going to work.

	“	I even had sex, masturbated, or orgasmed a total of 12 times during this - including nipple stimulation (all suggested by doctors LOL)… all to try to induce labor.	„
	—Nipple clamps? Yeah this is definitely the plot of one of those mangas Japanese businessmen read on the train.

	“	I experienced a bloody show	„
	—In England, this is how you tell somebody that the movie you just saw was awesome. And in Soviet Russia, bloody show experiences you!

	“	When I finally walked out of the bathroom, I collapsed on the couch cause I couldn’t walk all the way over to the birthing bed. Cheryl held a bucket for me as I puked.	„
	—Oh boy, back to the puking.

	“	The first thing I noticed was how much he looked like me when he was my age! The second thing I noticed is that I had feces all over my chest and it was all over his butt.	„
	—Infant scat porn is another Japanese manga genre.

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File:GIEF MONEY PLOX.jpg

Of course, like any proud parent, the first thing she did was to demand more money from the Internets. She claims it's for the babby, but come on. This is a woman who does phone sex, charges $35+ for mp3s of her hypnotizing you into getting off on spending money on her, and takes pictures of web models like Tassy Pink. She can afford to take care of the kid she just shat out. Is she just a money-grubbing whore? We report, YOU decide.

[Give $500 PlzOpen Up to Us]

Isabella Valentine is part of a series on Psychology