Security Faggots

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Commonly known as security researchers, security professionals and other euphemisms for tranny trap and morbidly obese basement dweller, these seemingly human beings invest their entire lives on producing utterly useless crap known as security research, among advisories and generally any type of covert and almost subtle marketing for the companies they work for.

Security faggot anthem

I am a security faggot, and this is my manifesto. I might never experience real life sexuality without investing big bucks on it, I might never stop looking like a whale, I might die of heart strokes due to my morbid obesity. But now that the Lord knows my suffering, for he is kind, I know I will work on a penetration testing consulting firm for the rest of my pathetic life. Lord, you who are omnipotent and everlasting, give me the force to poke the keyboard and reply to those pesky flames, ignore GOBBLES and his superior skillsets and stamina, provide me with unlimited amounts of coke and soda, and my fellow security faggots who secretly envy and despise my work, even though they invite me to lapdances in Defcon and fap to my home made pornography. Shall my words be heard, Lord, please save me from the Judgement Day, when computer security becomes as useless as my cock. Amen.

How can I identify security faggots?

These basement dwellers love to meet up in conferences and organize orgies for their fellow coprophiliacs. Fortunately, there's enough photographical evidence supporting this fact:

• Defcon Pics

Beware of whales

The security industry was invaded circa 100 years ago by white whales from outer space. The ensuing First Contact War yielded unexpected results, allowing the whales to stay on Planet Earth and deplete unreported amounts of semen and KFC chicken legs. This caused wreckage in several security consultancies, since the customary closets and offices had to be expanded.

The security faggot checklist

• Morbidly obese or well beyond being overweight
• Wears baseball cups and other camo clothing (XL sized t-shirts to hide the bitch tits)
• Laptop covered in stickers and random ugly crap
• Sexually inhibited
• Always wears marketing clothing of their company
• Most likely, obnoxious attitude like an attention whore

Typical security faggot companies

Due to the overwhelming growth of the security industry, this list might be incomplete or utter shit.

• CORE
  • http://www.coresecurity.com
• eEye
  • http://www.eeye.com
• Immunity
  • http://www.immunitysec.com
• IOActive
  • http://www.ioactive.com
• Matasano
  • http://www.matasano.com

The typical basement of a security faggot

Infamous security faggots

I'm Kevin Mitnick. I'm no good at hacking or security.

There are widely known security faggots who made their way into the news thanks to their sexual orientation and interests:

• Dan Kaminsky
• Fearnor
• Gadi Evron
• Kevin Mitnick
• Joanna Rutkowska
• Michael Lynn
• Raven
• Theo de Raadt
• th3j35t3r

Famous security faggot buttseckers

If there's anyone to thank for the fate of security faggots, it's these men who fought for freedom and justice against the security faggot menace:

• GOBBLES
• Lance M. Havok

Security Faggots is part of a series on Softwarez Visit the Softwarez Portal for complete coverage.