OceanGate

OceanGate is a company who built a submarine (or "submersible") out of a trash can, a cheap Xbox 360 controller, a bit of string and glue, and thought they could visit and profit from the Titanic wreckage without any issues. As you can imagine, this ended well and they returned home safely.

So what happened?

(Except for the kid; he just wanted to spend some time with his idiot father.)

Back in 1985, the wreckage of the Titanic was discovered some 350-400 miles (575-635 km) off the coast of Newfoundland, Canada, at a depth of 12,500 ft (3,800 m) under the sea. In order to get down there, you need a serious submarine able to withstand some 400 atmospheres (6000 PSI) of pressure and filled with serious state-of-the-art equipment in order to properly survive at those depths.

But like with any expensive project, someone will always come along and think they could do a better job by skimming some of the costs here and there... asking important questions like "we don't need ALL this oxygen, do we?" or "the walls don't need to be THAT thick, do they?" It kinda reminds me of the time when I was 8 years old and thought "cars are so expensive; we should just make them out of wood to save some of the costs!".

Enter OceanGate: they built a submarine called the Titan which was touted as being "more cost efficient to mobilize than any other deep diving submersible" and built using "off-the-shelf components helped to streamline the construction". In other words: built by rednecks. So after thinning out a few things here, removing a few redundant features there, and suddenly they've turned a US$20 million submarine trip into one that costs US$250,000 a pop. What a deal! Why didn't anyone think of this before??

So what are some of the things that make the Titan so cost-effective? Well, whereas other submarines are all packed with important gizmos with very little wiggle room, the Titan took most of that out in order to give its passengers some breathing space. I mean, it's not like all that extra equipment was useful or anything!

Look at all the features of the Titan that make it one of the most unique submarines that ever was built using parts swiped from a construction site.

Also, if you want to take a dump, well, there's a bucket in the observation lounge. Just hope the submarine doesn't flip over.

Why do we need a fancy US$100,000 toilet system when we can get a bucket and a piss jug from my wife's clinic? ... Oh, yeah, she can just smuggle it out, don't worry about it.

Perhaps the most major change was swapping out expensive control equipment that may cost upwards of US$30,000, replacing it with a video game controller that cost US$30. They didn't even get the BEST video game controller, but a cheaper third-party controller from Logitech. Now sure, video game controllers are used for all kinds of military purposes, because basically anyone born since 1982 knows how to use a video game controller... but, well, let's compare the difference between how the military uses video game controllers and the way OceanGate did it:

• 
  ACTUAL MILITARY CONTROLLER: wired, top-tier first-party Xbox controller, other equipment can pick up the slack in case the controller breaks, good chance that there are some spares somewhere just in case, but ultimately mostly used for less critical vehicles like drones
• 
  OCEANGATE CONTROLLER: wireless (and thus will become useless if it loses power and/or bluetooth connectivity), cheap off-brand Logitech controller, no other equipment can pick up the slack, almost definitely no spares on board, and used as the primary means of locomotion for the submarine

Oh, and in order to seal the passengers and pilots into the Titan, they were literally bolted from the outside. There was no means of exiting the submarine from the inside. People who have gone down in the Titan have likened it to a suicide mission:

Totally safe! C'mon guys, what's the price of being on the edge of a frontier??

This was effectively one step above literally going to Lowes and getting some metal garbage cans and duct tape, then wrapping up the cans with the tape.

So How Did It Break?

Oooof

Simple: the designers were idiots who thought they could outsmart the laws of physics. But if you want to get into the nitty gritty of it:

• the use of Carbon fiber in-and-of-itself ultimately doomed it. Carbon fiber is useful to CONTAIN a larger pressure inside from a weaker pressure outside. It's awful the otherway around. And specifically for OceanGate, it ended up being the point of failure as it was subjected to fatigue and micro-cracks after repeatedly subjecting it to extreme pressures. Even Starbucks baristas can handle pressure better than that sub.
• the precise point of failure ultimately came from the front end of sub—around the interface between the titanium hemispheres and the carbon fiber hull—as the hull fractured and pushed the front half towards the back, all due to the aforementioned fatigue and micro-cracks. Proof once again that crack kills.
• as one might guess, the implosion occured almost instantaneously, ensuring everyone got turned into pink mist before they realized they were pink mist.
• other contributing factors include:
  • the type of adhesive used to bond the titanium and carbon fiber sections
  • issues with how the carbon fiber itself was manufactured and tested
  • other subpar materials and procedures might have been involved during construction
  • oh, and firing the one guy at your company who was sounding the alarm that things kinda suck and might be dangerous

So if you want to start up YOUR own Titanic-bound submersible company and actually survive a trip down:

• don't use carbon fiber
• don't make is into a cylindrical shape
• don't use subpar materials during construction
• don't fire the guy who is warning you that shit's sus

Now What?

Dang it, I was hoping to use them to visit the Titanic next year!

Well, OceanGate is basically sitting and waiting for the unisex hammer of justice to drop on them.

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Videos

Submarine expert explains why OceanGate's sub sucked. OceanGate whistleblower told everyone the sub sucked, but no one wanted to listen. Previous Video | Next Video

"It's durable that a 16 year old can toss it!" Famous last words

In conclusion

You will never be a real submarine.

You have no pressure hull, you have no ballast tanks, you have no torpedoes.

You are a drainage pipe twisted by carbon fiber and acrylic into a crude mockery of nature’s perfection.

You will always be a submersible.

See also

• Aquaphilia
• Boats
• And nothing of value was lost
• Bikini Bottoms
• Canada
• Exploding Whale

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Article of the Now June 28 & June 29, 2023
Preceded by Dextromethorphan	OceanGate	Succeeded by Futurama