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Game of Thrones
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BREAKING NEWS!! Game of Thrones Visual Effects Editor Katherine Chappell Mauled to Death By Lion in South Africa |
Game of Thrones is a long-format pornography that airs Sundays on HBO based on a series of books that are the very textbook definition of TL;DR.
Plot
A metric fuckton of dull characters all around a generic alternate version of the Dark Ages where smug aristocrats endlessly drink wine and talk about boring shit nobody but casuals and WoWfags care about. Then, they all have sex and/or failcest with each other and die while fighting over who gets to be gangbanged. End of rine.
In short, It's "Downton Abbey" at a Ren-faire, except they solve their disputes by murdering each other.
The series is based on the Song of Ice and Fire series of novels, which are basically Lord of the Rings with less ambiguously gay midgets, more incest, and random lesbian quickies. In order to understand the subtle differences, compare Torchwood to Doctor Who, or Mass Effect to Star Trek. You'll notice that actual story is replaced with torture, sex, and gayness.
Sean Bean's Ghost
Like in every other movie, television show, video game, or pornography that he has appeared in, Sean Bean dies. He begins the series as the defacto main character before plot twist demanded that he be M. Night Shyamalan'd to death, thus finally hitting his Diamond Death Jubilee and transcending into Valhalla. Sean Bean's career is essentially the show "1000 Ways to Die" made flesh. This is because "The Sean Bean Effect" is so armor-piercing it even penetrates 10 layers of Plot Armor.
The Imp
This section, like Peter Dinklage, is too short, and needs Moar Pint-sized Badassery.
But here's a vid of Joffrey gettin' pimpslapped like the bitch-ass Ho he is.
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You know you suck when a guy half your size slaps three shades of silly out of you, right in front of your own bodyguard.
Sexposition
The show's dialogue is so boring and long-winded that writers decided on using sex to keep viewers attention since the fanbase consists of cellar-dwellers, man-children, wiccans, and yaoi-fangirls.
An example scene may go something like this:
- Jon Snow: Blah blah blah honor of the Night's Watch...
- Background: Two dudes begin a train on this voluptuous hooker. As the surly armorer removes his helm he jams his powerful rod into the whore's fleshy cage. She moans vigorously as the bulky armorer bends lower to grant a fruity trap entrance to his hairy vortex. The sounds of ball-slapping and ecstasy echo throughout the chamber while the hefty milkmaid feeds goats beyond the window with her massive medieval tits. The man shoots his load as the wench lets out a bellowing scream before he lowers his axe onto her neck. As her head rolls along the floor, the trap finishes and pats the armorer on the back, making some reference to the uselessness of women.
- Jon Snow: I'm a bastard child...
Characters
This show has way too many fucking characters. Below are the ones you'll care about.
Eddard "Ned" Stark: Main character of the first season. Eddard was the Lord of Winterfell and head of the Stark family. He attempted to expose the fact that Joffrey "Baratheon" is a bastard born of incest. After the death of Robert Baratheon, the king, he attempted to put Stannis Baratheon, Robert's younger brother, on the throne. Because he made the retarded mistake of trusting Littlefinger, Ned was assaulted by his own soldiers, and was accused of being a traitor for denying Joffrey as rightful heir to the throne. He was then beheaded in front of two of his daughters.
Catelyn Stark: Wife of Ned Stark, hates Jon Snow, murdered at Red Wedding. Resurrected for necrophilic fun by a priest of the Red God. Oops, gigantic spoilers. But it doesn't matter anyway because it never happened in the series.
Robb Stark: Eddard Stark's oldest son and heir to be Lord of Winterfell. After his dad was killed, he lost his shit, declared the North independent, and styled himself the King in the North. Killed at a wedding because he decided to bone a chick that he hardly knew. See what happenens when you have sex before marriage, kids...
Sansa Stark: Elder daughter of Eddard Stark. She is basically Anastasia Steele. Despite the abuse she receives from Joffrey Baratheon, she continues to stay with him even after he orders the death of her father and even after being offered safe passage back to Winterfell twice. Only after Joffrey Baratheon decides to marry some other broad does she realize the danger she truly is in and decides to GTFO.
Arya Stark: Younger daughter of Eddard Stark. She is a tomboy. After the death of her father she manages to escape King's Landing through posing as a boy and setting off north with a Night's Watch recruiter. Their trip was cut short by troops looking for Robert Baratheon's bastard son. She was then captured and taken to Harrenhal, which was ran by Lord Tywin Lannister, who employed her as his cupbearer. She later escapes with the help of some guy who can change his face, who gives her a coin from Braavos and teaches her the words Valar Morghulis. She is then taken in by the Brotherhood without Banners. Then Sandor Clegane, known as the Hound, finds her, and forces her to travel with him. He wants to ransom her to her mother, but just as he arrives at the Twins, the Red Wedding happens and her mother dies. Then he goes to the Vale to sell Arya to her aunt, only to find out she died three days ago. Then they are met by Brienne of Tarth, who fights the Hound and almost kills him. Arya then leaves him in the open to die. She meets a sailor from Braavos and gets there using the coin. She finds the faceless guy and joins his cult, but when she kills Meryn Trant, who went to a brothel to get little girls to abuse, she is rendered blind by the cult as punishment.
Brandon Stark: Blooming Otherkin and a lousy cripple. Crippled by Jaime Lannister throwing him out of the window when Bran climbed a tower only to see Jaime porking his own sister. Escaped Winterfell in secret when Theon Greyjoy captured it. Last seen travelling north for some hot gay fun with the Children of the Forest.
Rickon Stark: Literally who?
Jon Snow: Eddard Stark's bastard son and goth. Frequently moans about being a bastard. He decided to become more of an outcast and joined the Nights Watch, a dangerous cult that once you join you can never unjoin. Shanked by his allies at the end of Season 5. PLOT TWIST - He's actually Jon Targaryen, Daenerys' long lost nephew, who was born of Rape through Rhaegar Targaryen (Daenerys's big bro, dies 100 years ago before the series), and Lyanna Stark, Ned Stark's sister (who also dies way back). So actually he should be King. Actually, since Rhaegar was married to Elia Martell and Lyanna gave birth to Jon in the Tower of Joy which is in Dorne, Jon Snow's real name is Jon Sand and as a bastard he has no right to the throne.
Littlefinger (real name Petyr Baelish): I think Littlefinger is a pretty cool guy. eh is the mastermind behind the entire plot and doesn't afraid of anything.
Draco Malfoy Joffrey Baratheon:The supposed son of Robert Baratheon who is later revealed to be a product of incest between his mother and his uncle. He is sadist and a narcissist. After the death of Robert Baratheon he becomes the King. Killed at his own wedding as a result of a plot orchestrated by Littlefinger.
Myrcella Baratheon: Joffrey's younger sister, Tommen's older sister. Also a result of incest between Cersei and Jaime. Is hot as fuck, but is actually only about 16. She's betrothed to a Dornish prince, and Jaime and Bronn go on a mission to rescue her. She gets poisoned and dies.
Tommen Baratheon: Joffrey's younger brother. Also a result of incest between Cersei and Jaime. Becomes king after him. As a result of his older brother bullying him for many years, he's a massive pussy. Owns the cat named Ser Pounce.
Tyrion Lannister: Youngest of the older Lannister siblings and TEH BEST CHARACTER IN GAME OF THRONES EVAR!!!!!11111 Slaps Joffrey Baratheon like a little bitch and gets away with it. Despite being the size of an 8-year old, he is easily the most badass character in the entire show and the only character worth rooting that's not Jon Snow. He is put on trial for poisoning Joffrey, and his father Tywin sentences him to death even though he knows Tyrion didn't do it. Tyrion gets out of jail and kills Tywin on the shitter, then escapes to Pentos across the Narrow Sea and gets to Daenerys.
Cersei Lannister: Colossal brother-fucking bitch who does absolutely everything possible to keep herself queen. Sorely regrets it by the end of Season 5. She hates Tyrion and attempts to have him killed multiple times. Also a raging alcoholic.
Jaime Lannister: Colossal sister-fucking bastard who does absolutely everything possible to keep himself in a sexual relationship with his sister. He fails, but does not regret it by the end of Season 5. Is captured in the War of the Five Kings and has his right hand chopped off.
'Tywin Lannister: Father of Cersei, Jaime, and Tyrion, head of House Lannister and Warden of the West. Leads the Lannister forces in the War of the Five Kings, then becomes Hand of the King after taking all the credit for winning a battle that was actually won by Tyrion. Is actually the ruler of the Seven Kingdoms in all but title, since Joffrey and Tommen don't know shit about how to run a country. Tywin is the judge of Tyrion's trial and sentences him to death, and also sleeps with his hooker girlfriend, for which Tyrion later kills him while he's taking a shit.
Ramsay Snow: Bastard son of Roose Bolton. He is sent to reclaim Winterfell in the name of Robb Stark. After Theon Greyjoy's men betray him and surrender to Ramsay. Ramsay orders his men to kill Greyjoy's men and burn Winterfell down. He later marries Arya Stark and becomes the Lord of Winterfell aftr Robb Starks death.
Hodor: Most memorable for muttering his own name as a response to an order. By far the most relatable character, since trying to remain interested in the various boring characters renders one about as coherent as Hodor himself.
Daenerys Targaryen: The one and only rightful heir to the Iron Throne (except Jon Snow), more so than Stannis (Robert's old bald bro), who goes around Essos fucking sheepmen and stealing their shit. Has Dragons the size of cats. Marries a sheepman before he dies of the AIDS she gave him. He doggystyles her before though, so it was worth it.
Oberyn Martell - Prince of Dorne, and TEH SECOND BEST CHARACTER IN GAME OF THRONES EVAR!!!!!111111 Will have sex with anyone who he sees. Comes to King's Landing for Joffrey's Wedding, but in reality, it's to seek revenge for his sister, Elia Martell. He gets it... if you want to call it that...
Khal Drogo - Chief of a tribe of horsefuckers and Dany's husband. Despite being a badass warrior, he was put into a coma by an infected paper cut and smothered with a pillow.
Theon Greyjoy - Raised by Ned Stark alongside Rob and Jon Snow. Actually the son of Balon Greyjoy of the Iron Islands. Betrays the Starks and captured Winterfell. Gets captured by Ramsay Snow who cuts his dick off for the lulz. Has been Ramsay's sex slave (and rightfully so) since Season 2.
Viserys Targaryen - A raving lunatic who bullied and molested his sister, until he got drunk and insulted a bunch of horsefuckers. Khal Drogo got pissed off and killed him with a golden shower.
See Also
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