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Kiki Kannibal: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 06:45, 2 October 2011
Kiki Kannibal is a self-proclaimed 17 year old girl (but we all know she's 18!) internet celebrity and attention whore from Illinois who now lives in Orlando, Florida. On the surface, she's just another raccoon-eyes, organic vegetarian that still occasionally dabbles in eating chicken; again, she's a lying whore. It is noted that this thing is arguably the most attractive female on Stickam, which is like being the least skanky crack whore in a Motel 6 parking lot. Most of what is seen on the Internets was conjured by means of Satan's own copy of Adobe Photoshop. She is down right FUGLY without her fake hair and make up on, as seen here and here. Her little sister is also an unfuckable loli, and to top it off, they are both currently is milking up their so-called internet fame even though it's long gone.
LAWLZZZ L1K3 ITZ KIKIKANNIBALLLL Z0MGZZZ
Her real name is Kirsten Ostrenga, and she claims to have "brought stripes back" into style when she wore them. The sad truth is that Motley Crue, Juggalos, Pedo Dahvie, most Scenewhores in general, and Muriel the Merpony (see photo) all had stripey-goodness long before she did. Everything about Kiki is very lulzy due to the fact that she considers herself and her fake hair to be very serious business. Her hair is especially serious business, since anyone who puts stripes in their hair, vertical or horizontal, is obviously copying her. After all, Kiki has been doing fug-stripes for at least 100 years according to her (or maybe 2-3 years according to reality) and styles it with bleach, a rake, and her daddy's cum. Though, in recent interwebs chatter, it has been revealed that Kiki's hideous coon tails may never have actually existed, but are a mere mirage brought to us by the miracle of Adobe Photoshop. This statement may in fact be the truth, considering she coincidentally never sports her fug-stripes in any of the shit videos of herself acting like a 12 year old dumbfuck on YouTube. Any trolling of Kiki on this subject will probably ensue with many a lulz-worthy comment from the Queen of Scene.
Kiki has no IRL friends, which is typical of most internet celebrities. Legend has it that her mullet devours all subjects of friendship before Kiki can develop any social bond with them. She also believes that The Man, the government, the FBI, and about every other fucking person on the face of the Earth is out to get her and bring her down. Of course she's probably would be right if she were a minority, but nay, she's a white bitch from the 'burbs who talks in poor slang in an attempt to become the next Lexi Bee minus the physical proof of her wigs existing. Her h8rs are obviously obsessed with her, even though most of them simply know that hating on her will be hilarious. Most of them have come to realize that just one comment or post that doubts Kiki's amazing-ness will always end in BAW and then it's just a matter of kicking back with some popcorn and watching the butthurt commence.
The other side of Kiki
At one time, Kiki Kannibal was actually a human being. Photographic proof can be found only if you look hard enough, because Kiki will not reveal the mysteries of her past as a prostatot to anyone. However, she was still an ugly little girl, so any hopes of her future should have been (and indeed were) dull. Speculation about her aversion to sunlight and predilection for nights filled with mass consumption of lead paint chips has recently come to light. Opponents of these rumors point to her extremely wide-set fish-eyes as proof of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Regardless, she is clearly a retard and should be mocked at every turn. The pragmatic observer approves the likelihood of both scenarios being concurrently applicable, and the opportunity for near-endless lulzy banter remains at an all-time high. Plus, judging from pictures of her lacking clothes and looking like a troll in a bikini, it's clear that even some /b/tards are female.
Jewelry
After huffin' jenkem one time too many, Kiki decided to make profit from the stupidity of her fantards by cutting up some plastic and gluing sparklies to it, so as to attract the retards that call themselves her fans. She then called it jewelry, made a website for it, and tried to sell it for shitloads off cash. Next, she thought that she would claim her jewelry is durable and unbreakable, with is obviously bullshit because bedazzling plastic doesn't make it unable to survive a fall off a desk, much less be bulletproof.
OMG PARENTAL DRAMA
Since Kiki's parents, much like many dumb e-whores, failed at raising their daughter with shame and self-respect, they now try to gain all those years of childhood misguidance back by arguing on the internet with anyone who dare speak down on their beloved little girl. Fighting Kiki's battles for her does not always prevail, and she simply blocks anyone who dares get in the way of her quest for Epic World Domination.
The one thing that they could not block, however, was the nude photo that somehow leaked onto Buzznet last Thursday. Kiki insisted that the government had posted the picture, because she will never own up to the fact that she is a cheap slut who was, is, and will always be 100% asking for it. And Pedobear was happy.
In late 2010, Kiki Kannibal and her equally snobby, anorexic sister, Dakota Ostrenga proved their fuckery of a life and their parents' terrible parenting by having a domestic dispute that involved the police
In early 2011, the Ostrenga's were pressing for any hope of their daughter, Kiki, being recognized in an attempt to get paid for being a loser so they reached out to Rolling Stone Magazine and in return, Kiki was whiteknighted by having text written among underage scantily clad photos of her. The article painted Kiki in a bias light and removed the commenting option hours after it was published because many comments blamed failed parenting, outed Kiki's side that wasn't mentioned, and called-out the "journalist's" biased whiteknightmenship. Clearly, this pissed off Cathy Ostrenga who had RS remove comments before taking the option away entirely. The article mentions Kiki's desperation for online fame even after her path drove her shitty parents into bankruptcy and foreclosure, having quoted her, "If you take me off the Internet, the bullies will win." RS was quick to claim one of Kiki's former boyfriends (now dead) as a rapist, regardless of the fact that Cathy Ostrenga had already been caught lying in official documents. Reminisce of the evidence used on the article's comments still exist, though Cathy has gone through the depths of the internet to get her daughter's own wrong-doings baleeted claiming copyright infringement. One of three videos expressing the real Kirsten still exists on the internet in download form.
Veganism
In addition to being pro-ana, Kiki is also an outspoken vegetarian, and preaches about how cruel we are to the animals. Unfortunately, she has not realized yet that all of her fans are either retarded or too busy fapping to care about what she has to say. That, and animals are delicious, and taste far better than tofu. Her position is directly at odds with her own personal history, as her first Oreo-bortion was performed after she was impregnated by a furry, who coincidentally also gifted her with the herpes which are responsible for the sores often seen on her pasty, mirror-shattering, fat face. The coat hanger used to save the world from having to accommodate another Zombaby currently resides in the Smithsonian Museum of Artifacts next to Hitler's frozen head and MJ's porn collection. Fortunately, since her fans aren't really paying attention to what she's saying, they haven't yet realized that she herself is a closet furry with a case of unwarranted self-importance.
As posted in her Stickam profile, which nobody reads since they immediately enter her room and ask for tits:
—Fuck your preachy bullshit, veggie-fag | ||
Kiki doesn't think the cow-leather chaps she wears when she uses a strap-on to analize her loli-fug little sister make her a vegetarian hypocrite, but that's okay, it just amounts to more lulz for EDiots. That ugly, totally unoriginal, striped rat's nest on top of her head is proof enough that she loves even the most pestilent animals, giving the AIDS-ridden rodents a place to live. It's still technically up for debate the way in which she is more of an ironic champion of hypocrisy: decrying being a carnivore while calling herself KIKI FUCKING KANNIBALL, or being pro-ana yet also being a fatass. Also a contender for biggest Kiki hypocrisy is her discussion on ex-boyfriends! LOL, vegetarian or no, Kiki still loves at least one kind of meat.
Need any more proof she's a skanky toucan?
How To Whore Out Your Children For Fun and Profit
There have been various rumors floating around that Kiki's parents support and approve of her internet whoredom, and now these rumors have been proven as absolute fact. Kiki's parents, Scott R. Ostrenga and Cathy L. Ostrenga, incorporated the "Kiki Kannibal Corporation" in 2007. If Kiki is indeed 17 now, this means that they made a conscious and intentional decision to start exploiting their daughter online when she was 13 FUCKING YEARS OLD.
Unfortunately for the Ostrengas, the brainstorm of pimping out their daughter online may have come a little too late. All those pro-ana t-shirt sales still weren't quite enough to keep their house from getting foreclosed on.
Music
Kiki now likes to think of herself as a budding musician with a potential career ahead of her, which of course anyone with an IQ above 70 can see is bullshit. Undoubtedly spending more of Daddy's money on her venture, we look forward to seeing the success of her failure.
Drug Use
Kiki likes to excuse almost every part of her that is hypocritical, which is pretty much all of her, so it is no surprise to see her condoning the use of Salvia considering she is allegidly 'anti-drug-use'.
"And I know salvia is legal, the herb is in some of my Chinese medicines that I take to regulate blood stagnation and painful menses."
Sure, Kiki, 'Chinese medicines'.
See Also
External links
- Kiki's website
- Kiki's Buzznet
- Kiki's twitter
- Kiki's Stickam Profile - A troll's goldmine.
- Kiki's Music
- HOW TO EPIC FAIL
- Kiki gets her own Rolling Stones article
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Kiki Kannibal is part of a series on Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage. |