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Guitar: Difference between revisions

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[[File:Vagina guitar.gif|180px|right]]
The guitar is a musical instrument in which untalented weeaboos and [[you|faggots]] pick up in order to gain positive attention to themselves from the opposite sex. Nine times out of ten, they fucking suck horribly resulting in zero vagina and utter humiliation.
[[Image:Bush-guitar.jpg|thumb|W steals some guy's guitar and plays a stirring rendition of Boot Scootin' Boogie.]]
However, there is a myth that some people are [[bullshit|are actually good]]; but most are just cheap [[thirteen year old boys|13 year old boys]] who think that if they stare at the instrument long enough they'll be able to create music with absolutely no fucking musical knowledge.
Loosely based off of the ''[[Guitar Hero|Guitar Hero]]'' controller, the '''guitar''' is, according to any [[13 year old boy|teenager]], the only musical instrument in the world. Everyone plays guitar. Everyone started playing guitar to get laid. ''Everyone''. And out of all the people who own guitars 10% of them actually know how to play it, and only 3% of that 10% know how to play it well. If you're not part of that 3% who utilize the humble guitar to gain the [[hookers and blow|finer things]] in life, then the page will teach you everything you need to know. The only thing that can kill a guitar is the recorder.
 
[[File:Vagina guitar.gif|180px|right|another usage of a guitar]]
[[Image:Jmy3r.jpg|thumb|What you should look like if you're playing guitar correctly]]
 
   
   
==Guitars==
==Guitars==
[[image:makingmusic.jpg|thumb|A young champ playing the guitar at home]]
[[image:makingmusic.jpg|thumb|A young champ playing the guitar at home]]
*'''Guitar''' (AKA most overrated and overplayed instrument in history)<br>
*'''Guitar''' (AKA most overrated and overplayed instrument in history)<br>
Many states require that individuals learning to play the guitar must learn the main riffs to either "Sweet Home Alabama," "Sweet Child of Mine," ''Stairway to Heaven'' or ''Smells like Teen Spirit'', and play these and nothing else at every opportunity. If you're unsure of what the law is in your area, many music police will allow you the minimum knowledge of "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple. If you suck so bad that you can't play that, even Jawsus and Michael Jackson wouldn't suck that tiny cock of yours.
The origin dates back to [[over 9000]] years ago when untalented assholes who couldn't play any other stringed instruments invented the lute, which is a [[pussy]] version of most stringed instruments.
 
Acoustic guitars don't have any amplification, its what [[your mom]] buys you to shut you the fuck up and do something with your pathetic, meaningless life. Most acoustic guitars are shit, unless you're willing to shell out a couple grand for a decent one that is advertised to be [[bullshit|created with artisan grade wood and shit]].
 
Electric guitars have some form of amplification and are iconically used in [[shit|modern music]]. Most people who own an electric guitar usually own a shitty entry-level Ibanez or an even shittier [[azn]] made Fender Squire, most people who own an electric guitar can play a handful of generic riffs such as "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or "Come As You Are". These are the kind of people that give actual guitarists a bad name because they flaunt their [[l33t skillz]] like they're the next Jimi Hendrix or some shit.
 
Contrary to popular belief, there are two distinct kinds of guitar players and they are listed as follows:
 
*''Ones who know what the fuck they are doing''
*''Ones who don't know what they fuck they are doing.''


Guitars can come in many forms, all of which fall into the categories of acoustic or electric. Acoustic guitars are used by [[mexican|mexicans]] and [[communist|hippies]] to create "folk music", which always consist of only the basic open chords, because these niggers never learn anything past the 3'rd fret. They are occasionally seen in the hands of [[redneck|rednecks]] singing songs about niggers bitchin' and the need to beat [[Your Mom|women]]. Folk music occurs when a guitarist becomes the vagina that he originally set out to penetrate.  Sadly enough, this loser will nail more women than ten black rapists, except with the girl's [[fail|consent]]. Just look at the Jonas Brothers for proof of this claim.
Both of these two archetypes have the potential of sucking harder than [[your mom]] on a Saturday night.
Guitarists who know what they fuck they are doing are typically elitist faggots who think they're hot shit because they know a bunch of fancy terms like 'suspended fourth' and 'pentatonic scale'. Ignore these idiots because they really don't know what they're talking about if they have to talk about the same shit all the fucking time.


Electric guitars are used by [[fag|fags]] and [[emo|emo's]], largely due to the ability for their sound to be amplified or modified because they need it to cover up for their lack of skill. With certain effects, the guitar can be made to [[Slipknot|sound like a garbage disposal]] or [[dragonforce|the Super Nintendo you threw out when you were nine.]].  
Guitarists who don't know what the fuck they are doing will always suck, no matter what.
 
Now, for some examples:
<youtube>tWLw7nozO_U</youtube>
 
Now, that is a guitarist that knows what the fuck they are doing - his name is Stevie Ray Vaughn;
He was a retarded [[coke]] addict from Texas and he was probably infinitely better than [[you]] will ever be.


<center><youtube>Ml_6d_kElcM</youtube></center>
<center><big>'''What it sounds like'''</big></center><br>
*'''Bass Guitar'''<br>
There are two types of people in the world: shit bass players and GOOD bass players. Many idiots think playing the root note in a rock band is all this thing can do. Unfortunately, this is because there are lot of shit bassists in the world. If you play bass guitar, you are required to know how to play "[[self esteem|Self Esteem]]" by The Offspring, "Spoonman" by Soundgarden,"Peace Sells" by Megadeth, "Schism" by Tool, and "Bombtrack" by [[Rape|Rage]] Against the Machine. But if you actually want to be good, try to learn something by Jaco Pastorius. He was a drunk retard who could still play bass better than [[you]].


<youtube>yQHo_c-fbZw</youtube>
One more example:
<youtube>GQkO3SGB3So</youtube>


*'''The extended range bass'''<br>
There is yet another example of someone that will forever be infinitely better than [[you]].
Carved from pure [[win]] and strung with the tears of a thousand virgins.  [[Some argue]] that extended basses [[shit_no_one_cares_about|should be considered a different instrument]]. IRL it's a bass with A LOT of fucking strings.]
John Mayer is a notorious [[IRL troll]] who used his mediocre voice and virtuotic guitar skills to get famous and fuck as many celebrity babes as possible, just so he could prove a point to the people of his hometown that he wasn't a socially-awkard [[aspie]] who wouldn't go anywhere in life - he is an example of someone who is [[winning|doing it right.]]


==How to be a successful bassist==
*'''Bass Guitar'''<br>
Nobody gives a fuck about the bass guitarist, period.


* Accept that you are below everyone in the band (Including the guy who cleans up the piss and vomit at the end of your gig).
* Don't bother trying to learn to bass. Nobody gives a shit what notes you are playing anyway.
* If your singer complains about the band playing out of time blame it on the drummer and get him fired instead.
* Miss as many rehearsal sessions as you can, Instead smoke dope and masturbate, You will have a much better time.
* If you are the bassist for an indie pop band or any other faggot based genre, Shoot yourself and the rest of the band. Do the world a favour.]


== Obviously Not a Guitar Hero Faggot ==
== Obviously Not a Guitar Hero Faggot ==
Line 37: Line 49:
== How to Play the Guitar ==
== How to Play the Guitar ==
=== DO ===
=== DO ===
* Play songs about [[Prussian Blue|racial hatred]] and misogyny, it will make you feel like a rock star even without any money, or blow.
* Enroll in a Music Theory class at your highschool.
* Realize that you are crap at guitar. All [[unwarranted self-importance|song-writing]] will shortly disappear. People will hate you less.
* Memorize scale patterns and play them until you can form phrases or licks out of them.
* Learn how to play power-chords and leave it at that. People don't want to hear complicated [[fail]].
* Garner inspiration by listening to the gods of guitar past such as Jimi Hendrix and David Gilmour.
* Play games of [[NO U]] with complaining neighbors. Even if you suck, you can still troll the fuck out of your enemies.
* Practice atleast two hours a day.
* [[Black Metal|Start a band based on Norse Mythology and Face Painting, then kill other members of your band to prove that you have and evil level of over 9000]]
* Learn a balanced repetoire of songs (don't forget 'Your Body is a Wonderland', thats the ticket to getting laid.)
* Arrange a benefit concert for the people at [[Uncyclopedia]] to have [[lulz]] injected into them, play the first 10 seconds of Smoke On the Water, then [[GTFO|leave]].
* Get off your ass and learn how to read sheet music if you want to be a legitimate musician, if not - go fuck yourself.
* Play as fast as possible with no regard for tone or accuracy.  You'll totally impress everyone.
* Learn the [[Elitist Musical Bastards|A minor pentatonic]] scale and use it for all your [[shit|awesome solos]], even if it's totally out of key and sounds [[retarded]].


=== DON'T ===


* Consider starting guitar now. It's too late. If you were not playing [[at least 100 years ago]] then you are 1 of too many.
* Ever put [[camwhore|videos]] of you and your guitar on [[internets|the interwebs]]. There is enough shit clogging up the tubes already.
* Have any illusions that as a guitarist, you are not [[anti-lulz]].
* Forget that [[Kurt Cobain|no one likes you]], since said is why you started guitar in the first place.


Remember, you'll get double the amount of pussy (0 x 2 That's just good math!) if you can sing as well.


==Actually Learning the Guitar==
=== DON'T ===
[[Image:Guitar scale.gif|thumb|Don't bother with this shit. ''[[Rock Band]]'' is way better.]]
Beginners can learn all manner of guitar playing tricks and master rock god techniques by playing video games like "''[[Rock Band]]''" or "''[[Guitar Hero]]''"; both of which are responsible for stupid [[teenager|teenagers]] suddenly thinking they are musicians.  These people are actually talentless fucktards, but may just add an extra [[1d20]] to a fat, [[basement-dweller|basement dweller's]] chances of getting laid. People that start playing guitar because of a video game usually learn the first 10 seconds of every song and say they know every song.


* Learn four open chords and call yourself a guitarist, people will laugh at you.
* Flaunt your so-called '[[shit|innovative guitar playing]]' as an excuse for you not learning how to play your fucking instrument correctly.


[[lies|VERY]] guitar lesson of biblical quality.  
Remember, you'll get double the amount of pussy (0 x 2 That's just good math!) if you can sing as well.
 
 
 
<youtube>rs7l0Wz0Rf4</youtube>
 
== Lifecycle of a Guitarist ==


* 16-year-old loser wonders why no [[girl]] would want to be with him then realizes that playing guitar will get [[jailbait]] sluts to suck his tiny penis.
* 16-year-old loser with long hair gets his mom to buy him a [[n00b|Fender Squier Stratocaster Starter Pack]].
* 16-year-old loser takes photos of himself holding the guitar and posts them on his [[MySpace]].
* 16-year-old loser attempts to play guitar, [[doing it wrong|neighbors complain]].
* 16-year-old loser utilizes sites such as [[Ultimate Guitar]] and learns to suck slightly less. Teen ego goes into hyperdrive.
* 16-year-old loser starts a band, records really shitty songs with a camera phone, then puts them on MySpace.
* 16-year old loser realizes how amazingly shitty he is when he receives comments about his crappy guitar playing.
* 16-year old loser realizes even the dog can play guitar better than him.
* 16-year-old loser's dad gets sick of it and smashes the guitar.
* 16-year-old loser [[cutting|cuts himself]], runs away from home.
* 17-year-old loser runs out of money for blow, promptly becomes [[an hero]]. Makes the world a better place to live in.


==Guitar Faces==
==Guitar Faces==

Revision as of 18:59, 9 October 2013

The guitar is a musical instrument in which untalented weeaboos and faggots pick up in order to gain positive attention to themselves from the opposite sex. Nine times out of ten, they fucking suck horribly resulting in zero vagina and utter humiliation. However, there is a myth that some people are are actually good; but most are just cheap 13 year old boys who think that if they stare at the instrument long enough they'll be able to create music with absolutely no fucking musical knowledge.

another usage of a guitar
another usage of a guitar
What you should look like if you're playing guitar correctly


Guitars

A young champ playing the guitar at home
  • Guitar (AKA most overrated and overplayed instrument in history)

The origin dates back to over 9000 years ago when untalented assholes who couldn't play any other stringed instruments invented the lute, which is a pussy version of most stringed instruments.

Acoustic guitars don't have any amplification, its what your mom buys you to shut you the fuck up and do something with your pathetic, meaningless life. Most acoustic guitars are shit, unless you're willing to shell out a couple grand for a decent one that is advertised to be created with artisan grade wood and shit.

Electric guitars have some form of amplification and are iconically used in modern music. Most people who own an electric guitar usually own a shitty entry-level Ibanez or an even shittier azn made Fender Squire, most people who own an electric guitar can play a handful of generic riffs such as "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or "Come As You Are". These are the kind of people that give actual guitarists a bad name because they flaunt their l33t skillz like they're the next Jimi Hendrix or some shit.

Contrary to popular belief, there are two distinct kinds of guitar players and they are listed as follows:

  • Ones who know what the fuck they are doing
  • Ones who don't know what they fuck they are doing.

Both of these two archetypes have the potential of sucking harder than your mom on a Saturday night. Guitarists who know what they fuck they are doing are typically elitist faggots who think they're hot shit because they know a bunch of fancy terms like 'suspended fourth' and 'pentatonic scale'. Ignore these idiots because they really don't know what they're talking about if they have to talk about the same shit all the fucking time.

Guitarists who don't know what the fuck they are doing will always suck, no matter what.

Now, for some examples:

Now, that is a guitarist that knows what the fuck they are doing - his name is Stevie Ray Vaughn; He was a retarded coke addict from Texas and he was probably infinitely better than you will ever be.


One more example:

There is yet another example of someone that will forever be infinitely better than you. John Mayer is a notorious IRL troll who used his mediocre voice and virtuotic guitar skills to get famous and fuck as many celebrity babes as possible, just so he could prove a point to the people of his hometown that he wasn't a socially-awkard aspie who wouldn't go anywhere in life - he is an example of someone who is doing it right.

  • Bass Guitar

Nobody gives a fuck about the bass guitarist, period.


Obviously Not a Guitar Hero Faggot

because playing Guitar Hero songs on real guitar is cool amiright?

How to Play the Guitar

DO

  • Enroll in a Music Theory class at your highschool.
  • Memorize scale patterns and play them until you can form phrases or licks out of them.
  • Garner inspiration by listening to the gods of guitar past such as Jimi Hendrix and David Gilmour.
  • Practice atleast two hours a day.
  • Learn a balanced repetoire of songs (don't forget 'Your Body is a Wonderland', thats the ticket to getting laid.)
  • Get off your ass and learn how to read sheet music if you want to be a legitimate musician, if not - go fuck yourself.



DON'T

  • Learn four open chords and call yourself a guitarist, people will laugh at you.
  • Flaunt your so-called 'innovative guitar playing' as an excuse for you not learning how to play your fucking instrument correctly.


Remember, you'll get double the amount of pussy (0 x 2 That's just good math!) if you can sing as well.


Guitar Faces

If you play guitar you must have, at all times a guitar face. Here is an example of some 16 year old boy doing a metal face: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDhmFPdbtcs

See Also


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