Minimalism

Poorly designed minimalism - note the space isn't big enough - you can STILL see the corners. Also the staircase; whilst unable to support the weight of a flea, is just clutter to professional minimalists.

Ever been inside of a public building with a wide open space filled with pointless shit, and wondered what the inspiration was? Well the immediate answer is 'Holocaust' - and it was designed by anti-gay minimalists, who hate colour, objects, smells, sounds, and they especially hate you as well. Points given for those of you who asked the right question which is "who the fuck shelled out my tax dollars on this shit?" or "I'm funding this whhhhy?" because inside of a minimalist room you are bored. There's nothing to look at, and if there is, you're still bored, because you've probably seen a room just like this elsewhere in some obscure local art gallery.

Minimalism design is a cure for batshit insane retards whereby the fewer things which make up an object, preventing them from being broken by the aforementioned retard. It can also be employed on rich, brainless cunts who will happily pay asses of cash for less and therefore more inferior products, or generally pointless shit nobody else wants which has been marked up and sold to you because your cash is in your ass which is the first port of call for most dicks who sell pointless shit.

Equally batshit fucking insane, minimalist designers are all OCD freaks pushed to the edge of sanity for some reason or another - and somehow see fit to remove every fucking thing from any room they happen to be 'designing'. For example, a household minimalist designer will take a warm, cosy home - and then remove everything inside - including anything practical such as the staircase - citing their need to start with a 'white box'. At around this point, said 'designer' is then asked what to put back into the room - at which point a mental breakdown occurs, and they are returned back to the institution they were on day-release from after being heavily sedated.

Cue your bill, which by now will be at least $50k, and pointless furniture which lacks any sort of philosophy that Ikea give you, or any practicality whatsoever - it's just sitting there doing nothing in your room. But you probably deserve such an experience if you hadn't seen this coming a mile away - all minimalists look as though they are about to have a mental breakdown which can be plainly observed by the dumbest of creatures whom retain any sort of wit, by paying attention to their body language. Looking at a minimalist, you'll see a LOT of suppressed anger. Many minimalists are 'recovering' alcoholics, or ex-pedophiles going through therapy, or hippies who have come to realize that they talk complete bollocks - all trying to push out or cover up their true desires to murder you in a second like a lion in a cage at a zoo.

Effective trolling

There are many ways to troll minimalists - and every year, many stupid people fail-troll because they say what everybody else is thinking, instead of working on the obsessive nature of the minimalist.

To get the best results, try one of the following sentences at the press-launch of their design:

• "I can still see the corners in the room."
• "It's a little too cluttered in here - isn't that table too much?"
• "If you don't like corners, why don't you start with a circle?"
• "Opps, I spilled my red wine all over the floor"
• Any statement that notes any dirt in the design, or the potential for a user of the design to clutter it.
• If anybody already is cluttering the design - spilling food/drink, be sure to bring that up in the conversation. Watching them obsessively clean up after the other 20 or so people in the room is always amusing.
• Minimalists HATE circles, since most of them have been involved in a circle-jerk in a past life they are now repressing - so be sure to conceptualize circles and spinning at every given moment - mention how many RPM you get from your DVD player or hard disc drive. Points given for vomit.

The results of trolling minimalists personify themselves as deeper anger in the minimalist - which manifests itself to the point where they will eventually boil over with rage, which is highly entertaining to watch, because one sentence triggers a whole chain of thought which inevitably boils over to the point where rage-quit occurs - at which point you need to be standing some distance away as said minimalist will lash out and stab anybody near to them - and this is what you aspire to when trolling them. Having them merely shouting is only half-way there.

Flogging minimalism

1. Go visit a mental home - pick out the most repressed specimen you can find.

2. Get them to focus on an object of their choice from their years of self-confinement - this is not only important for the 'designing process' but also to ensure they don't murder you, brick in your mouth whilst you're asleep, brick in your mouth whilst awake by insisting you eat porridge for every meal, etc. Crystal meth can be employed during the design phase.

3. Once they draw their 'creation' on the prison-issue toilet roll with their soy pencil, get it into production as quickly as possible - there is no time to think about anything, especially the placement of the object or what purpose it has in life.

4. Sell it.

5. Profit.

6. When sales start hitting the pan, get your snowflake to improve the product, typically by removing other parts from the design - which they will be more than happy to do.

7. Sell 2.0.

8. Repeat the last two steps over and over again.

9. When step 8 doesn't work, sell the air the product comes with, either claiming the design is in there somewhere, or by making out that you have discovered some sort of magical synergy meaning that you don't need the product itself anymore - because the witless idiots who purchased the design in the first place paid money for total crap to begin with, and don't tend to break this habit easily.

10. Repeat the all the above.

(Source: Apple business model)

Minimalist snowflakes

• Jonathan Ive
• Adolf Hitler
• Republicans
• Justin Beiber - living proof you don't need musical knowledge to become a musician - and so goes the maxim- what everybody needs, the minimalist leaves out.
• Low-cost airlines - "There are seats on the plane. COMFY ENOUGH FOR YOUUU?"
• Police officers who issue parking tickets
• Anybody else who takes everything away leaving everybody else with nothing, for no apparent reason.
• The entire state of California, especially LAX - after all, who needs people in an airport?

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Minimalism is part of a series on Psychology